Echoes of reason
Our community pool gates got updated but issues remain. Most people struggle with their keys and the locking mechanism is really finicky. It looks okay and is technically usable. The installation was botched. Neighbors and I have commented along the same lines: "I would have hoped that properly fixing a gate was an easy job in this day and age". That implies care for a smooth experience and knowledge of such devices. I have neither of these. Beyond HOA considerations, there’s a theme we're seeing in every facet of everyday life. We lose quality as all things get more accessible. As long as the gate opens, nobody will do much about it. This is the state of things these days. Individual autonomy comes long after a basic function. Only the bottom of the pyramid of needs is serviced by increasingly complex tools and institutions.
People often keenly reference the thing in their pocket as an example of the object they depend on yet have little knowledge of. I had a similar thought as I was folding a bunch of blankets. I have a very vague understanding of textile production but I could not make a blanket. AI, YouTube tutorials, and all sorts of online resources could make me an expert. I could then add this to my LinkedIn certifications. Make and sell blankets in a month. Yet most of the blankets I’ve ever used were made far from my bed. Not by lack of care. I love a good blanket. Because I’m not in a position to craft one and all the other necessities I’d need if I embraced this autonomy-first approach. But I care enough to be bothered by this conundrum echo after echo.
One such echo is my wife, who recently, read about microplastics and plastic waste. She felt gross, understandably so as a Costco shopper. She expressed wanting to find ways for us to reduce exposure and general waste, mostly for our kid (but also ecological concerns) – a typical Asian mom's pragmatism. The bigness of the issue is such that our actions are likely not going to meaningfully reduce our exposure, and at the global scale won’t make a dent. She insisted bulk packaging made sense for a family of 4, and that overall we are not that bad. Not to be a defeatist or lazy but these kinds of comments tell of how deep the deep denial is. If we truly cared for ecology and our kids, we would drop our Costco and Amazon memberships (amongst many others). I suggested this type of "quit cold turkey" approach to avoid falling into unsatisfying compromises where we argue pathetically about utility versus footprint. We often end up "getting the thing to get it out of our minds" which is a tragic moral failure. Do we have too much money? Do we not care enough? Are we somehow manipulated by capitalism? For me, it always ends with some sort of "into the wild" type of suggestion that irritates my wife. I get why it sounds idiotic.
To illustrate my struggle reconciling principles with consumer behavior, here is a recent anecdote: I fell for a discounted set of (fancy) mushroom chocolate. The energy one buzzed me as badly as coffee - crazy jitter and agitated for a full day (I stubbornly tried 6 times, same outcome). The sleep one I took a few days without noticing much until I could not fall asleep. I was so wired, that every attempt at closing my eyes revealed a disturbingly active mind. 1 AM revealed the culprit, the damn mushrooms. I’m 51% an idiot for buying stupid things but they are everywhere, cheap, the packaging is so good, I’m too curious, yadi yada... It’s at least the 10th product I "try". Don’t buy stuff with "adaptogenic" mushrooms. You see the rabbit hole for a measly $15 item? I get swindled by consumerism too often, which brings me back to my "into the wild" is the only way. I gotta chill — Not every decision is an act of principle. Besides, few choices are clear cuts, most of the time one has to be content with the lesser of evils.
The many 15-30 min gaps in my schedule have been testing my principles. What valuable action can be performed in such time, in between work? Even the most well-executed meditation or walk is a travesty. We are sold (or sell ourselves) coping tactics, paper cuts. It’s the accumulation that gives a serious jab at my lofty examined life. Overstimulation leads to overreacting, in grocery stores, online, or at work. I spend most of my time being reactive, pragmatically so. Feeding the soul as it’s often called, comes second. And because life’s logistics are so demanding, I rarely get to it. It took me 30 years to even realize it. I was too stuck in navigating the chaos my parents told me to prepare for, by telling me nothing about it.
So what to do about this pragmatic overstimulation? Nothing in the moment. Like the mushroom chocolate, I should have left it on the shelf. Let it be, chaos. Maybe debate a bit if there’s room but I insist on no action. A torturous, yet healthy, situation I’d like to coexist with, to ideally allow the teachings to distill.
If everything is a vehicle for enlightenment, perhaps this verbal vomit is a sign I’m far from it. I don't see the iceberg but I feel one. I can only guess what’s going on under the water. On the surface, everything feels just hard enough to stay afloat. Like a finely tuned, slightly masochistic game. How am I still employed? How am I still married? Will my kids be okay? Under the water, it’s a whole other level of awareness. The contrast between both levels of consciousness is jarring. Especially when trying to verbalize it. Left brain, right brain, intellect, and emotions, are passing the hot potato. I feel more squeezed than ever (by the smallest and pettiest, but not only). I also feel settled in my skin like never before. The chaos I perceive makes sense. Not because I fully understand it, I’m a moron.
May this odd stream of consciousness be the proof of both of these facts.
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