Dysfunctional consumer
Years of aggressive minimalism have made me a dysfunctional consumer. So much of my emotional capacity is drained by conflicting thoughts about products that get to me via various channels. The incessant ballet of delivery trucks. Costco ads in the mailbox (How is this still a thing?). The clothes and gadgets of people around me. All the marketing hitting my eyeballs directly and indirectly. All the feeds… There is little to nothing in the world that isn’t affected by what I mindlessly view as the materialization of “late-stage liberal capitalism”. I hate most things yet still “function”. That led me to label myself as a “functional nihilist”. I hate the expression as much as I think it’s accurate. I hated it. But it is a hatred that makes nothing happen. That’s how I managed to get married. I just cannot push the buy button, even for a simple sub-$20 watch. And because the all-black variant is $3 more I had to tell myself that “it’s okay”. Then, ask my wife to place the order on her parent’s Amazon Prime account. It's a mild and pathetic afflication that some call "having a problem with money".
I didn’t grow up poor, or rich. I lived the transition to the euro as a 10-year-old. I remember adults complaining about how this was a move decided by the elites and benefited them while increasing the cost of everything for the little people. At the time, the look of the coins was the most striking to me. My parents tried to make me consistently convert the new prices into old francs value (about 6x) to consider how everything got more expensive. Since then, there’s always been something loosely arbitrary about money.
Later, I moved to the US where the credit system is completely different. There was only the equivalent of a debit card in France. You could only spend what you had (lots has changed since the introduction of micro credits and e-commerce platforms). I don’t think I understand the credit score system. It seems so flawed and biased, I must be missing something. Aside from a few hiccups due to the tech, I never had major issues. The buying power gap between my countryside France and California is still, to this day, mesmerizing, freaky, and clearly messing with me. My French relative's income is at least 4 times lower in France but pays the same for most goods. A stroll in REI with my mom who loves outdoor gear made this painfully obvious.
Crypto landed at a peculiar time for me (and the rest of the world it seems). It (re)opens for consideration the concept of money as a ledger. I’m not a child anymore nor fully vested/retired. The critics saying that it’s just "weird internet money" sound the same as the first merchants exchanging coins for good instead of the previous system (barter?). Internet and politics surely are making the topic convoluted, to say the least. The meanderings of crypto seem to match the dynamics I see in other sectors like energy or health: the perennial battle between technocrats and the establishment. I remain on the sidelines, occasionally working on crypto projects, curious, and always entertained.
Money is a means to an end. That’s all I can safely assert. At the moment I can’t buy honey at the farmers market with crypto. But if someday I can, I won’t be mad about it. Money already has so many shapes. A few years ago, it felt bizarre to pay with my phone for groceries, although I knew that it was “just” a virtual card. The ever-slimmer feedback and friction go against the attention my parents taught me to cultivate when it comes to spending money.
Today I passed in front of our local beekeepers who sell pieces of honeycomb. The texture, color, and shape are such a delight to my eye, it is jarring to see the $20 label attached to it. So I write, hoping to untangle a bit of the funky concept of money with words. Money is a fuzzy concept that has puzzled many over the ages, so I don't feel too bad for myself. It tells of what we, as a species, value. Sometimes it’s ugly. Apparently, I value the idea of being a disciplined and wealthy person more than enjoying a piece of honeycomb. What a sad way to live right?
I live a very financially comfortable life, now without the pressure of a mortgage. It should feel like bliss, such a luxury, so little income pressure!! All this work, to get all this money that I can’t resolve myself to (very reasonably) spend. It makes too much sense in my ironic worldview. Once again showing the limits of my evolved ape psyche. I feel the pain of feeding the absurd, knowing I missed out on honeycomb.
It’s well known: Money is a means to an end – you can’t eat money. In the words of T. Merton, pragmatism has me “concerned with practicality and efficiency; that is, with means, not ends”. I understand how I got there. I’m not alone. How to steer the boat? I bought the $20 honeycomb today. It was glorious because it had to. It felt like eating my feelings.
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