A leak of faith
Buddhists call to relax what’s behind the eye as we tend to feel our sense of self located in the skull. I heard PT and therapists mentioning the shoulders as a proxy for overall bodily tension, as well as the jaw. I recently eavesdropped on a conversation in a PT waiting room exploring the yoga idea that a lot of emotional tension translates into thigh hips. Everyone seems to adhere to a theory. My tension center is my bladder… or somewhere down there.
I’m in no major psychological or physical trouble but a semi-permanent state of tension. Every broad comment I heard on the manifestation of stress applies to me. Thanks to YouTube and random websites I have a great picture of how much of a crank I am. I knew that. The repeated awareness over time turned into a better ability to feel the stuff inside.
Every time something called for it, I tried to develop my interoception capacity with meditation, breath work, self-massaging. Always prompted by all kinds of online content and not intuition. I was concerned but not compelled to put the phone down.
Making room for inner-self-checkin is a tough sell often resulting (when even happening) in a feeling of artificial self-care, eluding the main goal of increased presence. I had a couple of sessions of great relief but happened haphazardly. There are only so many 2-minute hacks one can slot in a day. The more obsessive the search for relief, the greater the struggle. That makes too much sense. I have not given up but did make much progress on that front.
Looking back at the last 2 years as a dad, I see a blur of ups and downs. I tried to take notes of big events and smaller details along the way. Not long ago, while torturing my notes, hoping for a nugget of actionable information I noticed needing to pee without knowing how long I’ve been holding it for. That happens many times per day. I know I have a compulsory pee-holding tendency that got aggravated by remote work. Shuffling around the house with the kids exacerbated it. Anytime my awareness gets to my bladder, I need or have been needing to for a while. Nothing shocking. I’ve tried avoiding doing this…. Unsuccessfully. I’m a lot less bothered by my mortgage rate than the constant need to pee.
One can’t always take a leak when the need arises. Sometimes we’re doing something that doesn’t allow immediate (or at least quick relief, like driving). Most of life is filled with these types of afflictions. Caring for kids has made this painfully clear. I spend half the day holding it. Maybe I have a particularly smaller bladder or It’s a moment-of-life thing? Regardless of what makes managing my bladder not ideal, I’ve been noticeably more connected with my groin. There is a lot going on down there. A decade of running has also put a number on my hips. Nothing is broken. The stiffness or neglect sometimes shows up. So much to sense and care for could easily turn into wellness materialism.
The small moments in between are the time to do the maintenance. There is always something tight. Wherever the tension is there is a relatively quick and easy release. Closing the eyes, bathroom breaks, stretching, are not as trendy as proper meditation techniques. The curriculum of life seems to include a lot of loops back to the basics. Although I’ve never heard of a prostate or bladder relaxation meditation session on the various apps I tried (I’m sure some could say that pelvic floor breathing exercises are close).
There will always be something off. Without any measure of optimism life is affliction after affliction. As an adult, I’m learning basic stuff again. Walking. Breathing. Posture. And now, to let myself take a leak. Every time I sit on the toilet, I get the chance to say yes to life, begin again, and again.
← Index Published on 2024-11-15