In defense of Costco double chocolate muffins
On an early morning when I woke up before everyone in the house, I subjected myself to a curious experiment. An eating meditation with a Costco double chocolate muffin. It ended up being 2 muffins, I’m no Zen monk. I was not able to stretch the experience to 40+ min as Andy Puddicombe relates. More like a 10-minute top for the second one, with a 5-minute warm-up on the first victim.
As I was dusting the crumbs off the counter and prepping a guilt-washing tea, I got struck. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with Costco muffins. Nothing more than with most other things around me. The cushy bed, ergonomic seats, full fridge, powerful stove, climate control, padded shoes… all manifestations of the same process. The Apple Watch on my wrist is yet another proof of our penchant for over-engineering solutions. Modern problems call for modern tools. Once upon a time, we needed more calories.
The Costco double chocolate muffin is a bit of a personal reference. The internet and most reasonable souls I encountered seem to hold it as a quintessential example of abomination. Its 20+ ingredients and 690 calories per muffin are surely asking a harsh judgment in the green juice era. I love it. I’d guess most people with a functional palate do too.
Whether one likes it or not, the Costco Muffins exemplify modernity. I tend to see evil in all exuberant proofs of our anthropomorphic success. From the very first harvest to grocery stores, it is the same, but less wholesome-boho-natural.
The obvious nature of my comments here may not amuse everyone. It is primarily meant for those like me, noble savages, who would ideally eat the fruit of their own labor. Those who resigned to sign up for a Costco membership, after more or less inner turmoil. It’s not career paths or real estate prices that are the obstacles to our pastoral dreams. It’s our physiology. The impulse is wired in. Once safety is achieved we crave autonomy. On a primal level, the 690 calories of the Costco Muffins are premium caloric safety. This is industrial civilization at its peak (so far, you never know what evil geniuses of the food industry are cooking).
I spent the sunny days of my 20s thinking I was better than muffins for breakfast. All that to end up in my thirties with orthorexia so deeply anchored that it turns out that a muffin ends up being a rationally good move.
P.S.: sorry for repeating “Costco muffin”. I felt compelled not to generalize my statement to all muffins. With all these shenanigans, I mean to acknowledge the full array of simplest to most extravagant gustatory indulgences. My point remains. There is a time and a place for a Costco muffin.
P.P.S : Dear wife, chill. Let a man make peace with his cake. Of course, there is more to the story. That's a blog, not a therapist's office.
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