On attention
Filling time with "interesting" experiences is so easy nowadays. I have heard countless times folks tell me that they are "interested in too many things", often in a humorous tone. Their tone acknowledges that intellectual stimulation is abundant and of little value. We are all overstimulated. That not only makes us weaker but also detaches us from our humanity.
For the longest time, I thought that my attention span was THE problem. In 2016 I was joking to coworkers that my attention span took a massive hit due to the crazy startup culture I just crashed into. The blame was easily given to all the tech and silly things one does during his twenties. During the following 8 years, I've engaged in few 1h+ focused single-task: Computer-based design work, and exercising (mostly running and cycling). I didn't train my attention. I just worked and exercised a lot, a common strategy for Bay Area millennials like me.
I never hoped to fix it until I got exposed to a bunch of meditation content that convinced me that sitting quietly was part of the essential skill of a functional human. I tried meditation, and still reactively use it to get back in a calmer state.
Audiobooks and podcasts were always done in parallel with something else (chores, walks, dare I say work). I have also been an occasional, absolutely mediocre gamer. I had a few good sessions I don't even remember, just a vague feeling of ease when my reward button got pushed.
I haven’t watched a movie in years, let alone any TV shows, or read fiction, not because I can’t sit through it, but rather because I don’t want to get carried away by (overdramatized) stories. There is already one unfolding at every moment that I can barely connect with.
A few days ago, a rare, quasi-perfect morning setup occurred. I woke up before everyone in the house. Do not disturb mode was still on. Silence was reigning. My mind was clear. I sat and tried to reflect. I tried way too hard, once again, succumbing to the reactive mind. I a few minutes I was lost in thoughts. I called it upon myself. I knew what I did because that happened so many times already. Everyone struggles with this. Tech worker or not. The more we act due to external influences, the more we dilute our instinctive self, however "good" the intentions are. In our information age, it has become obscenely difficult to know ourselves. Hype is an anthropic force going against self-actualization. When I ask myself why I am doing {x}, the answer is often related to external factors. Writing has made this realization even more painful.
Zen orators often point out how contradictory it is to talk about things of this nature. They believe that to verbalize is a large part of the suffering. I do understand that language is the best tool we have. However good of a point we can make with words, it is ultimately the imprint in one’s consciousness that is the goal. Instinct, the labor of experiencing life, is more important than being a recipient of all the knowledge one can passively. Reality is independent of human thought, thus hard to find with human symbols.
I tried so hard to rationalize the influence of "digital stuff". In theory, I can't defeat the idea that digital stuff is just stuff and thus should be discarded just like everything else. There is so much research exploring how the growing digital part of our lives is messing with us. Once again, overstimulation happened. Saturation is the cost of my relentless atheistic pragmatism. If beliefs are rules for action, that is why I consistently fail. Because trying is what deep down I believe life is about. Trying to pay close attention to the moment is a relatively shallow form of presence, although it felt deceivingly profound at times. Seeking it is notoriously fruitless. I will fail again.
Beyond the logistics of navigating the world, there is nothing one must pay attention to. The buzz of the world, be it a busy street or a gentle breeze, is always here, where it’s in the foreground or the background of our attention.
← Index Published on 2024-08-07