The whole thing
Dialogue, Marriage, and other complex systems
I’m revisiting Michael Sugrue’s lectures on Plato. The man’s passion is contagious. My first experience of the material left a mark during the pandemic. This time I’m listening to the full dialogues. Mostly while cleaning for thirty minutes a day. It’ll take a while. The audiobook format still feels like cheating, especially for Plato. I haven’t read a book in years.
Socrates blurs into absurdist folklore. His weird dogma suddenly feels so close to AI enthusiasts spiel. Compress human reasoning into patterns, scale the prediction machine, and somehow intelligence will emerge. The parallel with the old man asking endless questions, hoping for triangle-shaped answers, is uncanny. Those urging to unleash AI sounds like the politicians of Athens, shoving us into endless wars and dubious ideals of prosperity. Another overconfident empire I suppose.
Tech hype makes last month feel like antiquity. A little Plato flips the script. As we’re outsourcing a fair bit of intellectual autonomy, Plato is healthy intake: fibrous, unsweetened. Not to be taken literally but the substance aged quite well. It makes me sympathize with the “reverse centaur” theory of AI biting us in the butt because of a few billionaire bozos. Having to be a machine assistant is an awful role. Hearing friends and neighbors rehash the AI narrative grosses me out. A tree went down in the neighborhood and they have less to say about it than the latest model they are toying with. But somehow this is exactly what needs to happen. Hanging out at a block party revealed how everyone is floating somewhere between escapism and delusion.
I’m not innocent. I suck in person. My small talk is sluggish. Two minutes into conversation I’m already sweating. “How’s fatherhood so far?” – Rewarding was the easy, honest, universal answer I should have given. I should have left my eyeballs and greying hair tell about the challenge. The broader malaise is the missing sincerity in my relationships. Perhaps my humor keeps getting more cryptic. I just want to preserve my autonomy, and avocado toast. That’s a lot of drama for toast. At this point the calories of my toast produce more intelligence than those billions in compute power. My own 12-watt fatty CPU might be saturated, but it still recognizes the difference between statistical inference and thinking.
I’m not asking for superintelligence, world peace, infinite power, or even a cold beer. I just want to walk around and shoot the shit. My blog is basically a memory palace. A place to store fragments of thought before they evaporate. Writing publicly forces slightly more rigor than dumping notes into a private folder. My parents told me not to talk about myself. I failed spectacularly. But the human condition I’m experiencing is too funny. Some people though try really hard to make things stale and oppressive, which ends up comical. My wife 7000 words post about her childhood friendzone experience was one of these. It’s comically tedious until she asks me what I thought of it. I’m not being silly for show, neither is she. The content of my stream of consciousness is a clusterfunk of comedy, sometimes hiding behind a curtain of gloom. I spend several minutes everyday contemplating, Homer Simpson style, my subconscious yelling “jeezus chroiiiist” in the void my skull.
If it’s not funny, I’m not interested. Luckily pretty much everything has a fair bit of humor to give.
Take privacy.
Money, health, and information are now largely handled via applications. Data privacy is a recurring topic that has gone nowhere so far. Every time I read about it I hit the same wall: I care far less than the author desperately wants me to. That’s probably privilege talking. Wealthy enough. Semi educated. Living in a still-relatively-functional democracy. Conceptually I get why it’s important as an organ of democracy. Often a rich emotional and social life seems to require some privacy. How much is up to each of us to decide. That’s where we enter opinion territory. Where expertise makes a massive difference and where my dumb-dumb thought should stop. I’m overstimulated and irrelevant. Which is absolutely fine. Except for my ego. So on I go.
Now that I’ve poked around in a few AI software’s they can’t stop nagging me about my weight. My wife nags me about it, my mom used to, all my doctors did… To be honest I’d put my BMI, weight, age as public. Anyone in the street could get that just from looking at me. Again, my privilege is speaking. Perhaps a bit less privacy would help humanize the internet and make us all more honest about our digital egos. Having a public database with everyone’s income would probably not help with social cohesion. Total privacy probably leads to something closer to the darknet. That sounds like fast lanes to a communist reboot or some kind of riot… so we have to dance between transparency and some necessary opacity. Privacy in its applied sense is mainly about consumer freedom, “user rights” as it’s called.
Since I’m a terrible shopper and even worse socialite, I don’t feel close to the topic. The internet is fine, people are fucked. The internet is basically a supermarket—overwhelming and under-regulated. It’s getting better at the speed of regulation. That’s why need (more) people like Cory Doctorow finding the words to make us care. Privacy makes me appreciate expertise and process knowledge. Appreciating expertise without personally relating to it is surprisingly difficult. My instinct is to simplify everything down to philosophical gut reactions -aka- “my values”. That often sounds pretentious. To me most of the tech debate says more about the moral decay than technology.
This is exactly the kind of shallow thinking that reminds me of my cognitive limits.
Haciendo el mejor que puedo. I don’t speak Spanish but I understood this aspirational bumper sticker in a second. I clearly don’t have the same aspirations as the owner of the huge GMC truck yet the rhetoric landed just right. A bigger house invites more stuff. A bigger car invites more stickers. A nicer bike invites a harder crash. A blog invites you to make a fool of yourself in public like owning a gun increase your chances to shot yourself. Statistics are for accountants and machines. Extrapolating significance is an absurd process we call science. Useful, but not true. Pragmatism aside, it’s pure comedy to my ears.
Intellectual homeostasis pushed me towards the realm of the absurd. A world of bumper stickers, memes and all sorts of farts. Seeking calibration, my value compass spins around.
My own “best” isn’t particularly impressive. But neither is anyone else’s.Is a government a nation’s best? Is a book an author’s best? No, and no. Yet it’s the best we have right now. The exercise of considering how I am surrounded by everyone’s best work is pure comedy. On top of the comedic tune, there is the fact that what seems like carelessness is often having the sun in the face, or being a bit sick, not properly hydrated, too hot, sitting on a full bladder... None of us are fully primed.
Giving up this struggle is signing up for another one. Yet, most work days I hit an existential wall. Work feels like a strange voluntary pregnancy. I chose it, but I never know how the day will unfold. It’s going to bite for sure.My patience collapses every time I read about ADHD research. Before we all spent half our lives staring at screens, some problems were less common. Apparently that doesn’t imply causation. Do we really need another study?
I can vividly remember becoming obsessive when I got my first computer. Granted I was 16, I had a lot going on. Now I depend on this stuff like everyone else. Coping is the name of a game that had more and more side effects. Managing screen addiction with more gadgets feels like fighting fire with fancier fire. And today I have to add token anxiety to the list? The voices of moderations tell me to consider that I’m clothed and well fed. No need to drop out, I should simply readjust my standards. Modern life is interdependence and we already have very little autonomy. AI and ADHD pairs exquisitely well with the current dynamics of the day.
At least cardio still works. Feelings often seem to simply be muscular tension anyway. Stress in the gut. Anger in the chest. Screen-induced anxiety somewhere below the belt. That matches Alan Watts observation about the sense of self. Freaky monkey here I am again.
The sound of the rain needs no translation.
I made my wife cry, again. I’m not proud of it. Mea culpa. I talk too much and listen too little. My instinct is always perspective. Somewhere, someone has it worse. That logic works for me. It doesn’t work for her. Two painful pregnancies left some marks. What she wants is empathy, not philosophical relativism. Pointing out that other people suffer more is understandably insensitive. To that end, I’m an asshole. Yet the same woman is constantly challenging me to read more and think broadly. Which inevitably leads me back to perspectivism. Whataboutism is upsetting in most context. Though experiments sound like shitty rhetoric when the pain is real. My biggest flaw is lack of tact. Fortunately trust compensates. My marriage is basically two people doing the best they can with each other’s nonsense. Most of it is feelings: illusions and muscular tension. But the conversations are real. Long silences. Heated debates. Half-finished arguments. There’s something Socratic about the intellectual exertion. Whether the topic is pain, family gossip, a blog post, or the news, dialogue drives our life together.
Que será, será.
On word choice
Gerard asked me how I felt about the difference between French and English. His intuition was simple: English is roughly three quarters less verbose than French. Does compression naturally result in less nuance? On the moment I agreed with the sentiment. Especially when it comes to criticism. English has a satisfying sharpness in both humor and critique. While French tends to stretch, embellish, and occasionally suffocate its own point. Not that one can’t be creative with English, I’ve always heard a lot more creativity in French swearing, which I enjoy.
Later that day I walked past a Chinese massage parlor and realized Chinese probably wins the efficiency contest entirely. If we’re simply counting characters, English sits neatly between ultra-efficient Chinese and comfortably fluffy French. But what is this trying to evaluate? Pure character count? Critical abilities? Cultural value? What about other languages?
The debate can turn sour quickly. There’s a judgmental tone hard to keep out. What’s the best one? None, and all. The rational world of today doesn’t accept this kind of answer. It sounds like rhetoric. Proper, rational thinking squeezes statistics and defines context to compare and contrast. Thus English gets the best of both worlds. Chinese by my estimate is the more semantically efficient. And French the more emotive. These are of course gross oversimplifications, but it’s the stuff fueling academic research.
Early on in my journey in America, I flexed my English by talking about my struggle to reconcile both cultures via quirks of their language. I have so much conversation material. Especially on religion, education and food topics. Stuff like: I believe Americans understand what food means to the French as poorly as the French understand what faith means to Americans. Idioms make the point even better. Take the French equivalent of “God works in mysterious ways”: les voies du seigneur sont impénétrables. Literally: “the Lord’s physical paths are impenetrable.” Less mysticism, more unfortunate anatomical suggestion.
I can now attest to how language shapes thinking patterns. The France I grew up in was firmly glass-half-empty. I now live in glass-half-full California and, despite myself, have become a little more optimistic. My wife grew up somewhere else entirely, where the real question is whether the glass will even still exist in thirty years. My French education instilled a reliable humility. Teachers and parents had the same message: you will probably never be great. Perhaps good, if you’re lucky. Meeting Americans raised in a cocoon of exceptionalism confirmed my inclination to stay precariously humble.
At the end of the day, having perspective is the only stable conclusion, it builds sympathy - anything beyond is a bonus. It was agreed that most disagreements in my household are 90% due to word choice, not proper disagreement. I’m sure we’re not alone. I wish this acknowledgment made a greater difference than it did. Speaking is mostly intuitive. Very few people truly think out loud. I certainly don’t. Writing, however, is thinking. My words sit dangerously close to my thoughts. Which is why almost any questions about language becomes fascinating for a moment—easily nulled by perspective, regardless of interest and optimism.
“On est pas tous logés à la même enseigne, et en même temps tout le monde voit midi à sa porte.” Which loosely translates to: everyone lives under a different sign, and everyone sees noon from their own door. A perfect monument to French nonsense. Also a surprisingly efficient summary of perspectivism. I frequently hit the perspective wall due to verbal incontinence like this. To that extent, kids are a fantastic vehicle for exercising restraint and getting a taste of my own medicine.
Which brings me to this blog. Some readers have sensed a certain dialectical malaise in my essays. Rightfully so. Admittedly, the ceaseless questioning about minutiae paired with self conscious wordiness, is a bit pathetic. It gives words a weight, perhaps therapeutic for me only. Perhaps they carry the 0.1% of hope necessary to remain functional. Believe it or not, this blog is my vain attempt at an aesthetic appreciation of what makes that 0.1%. All that while being tortured a fair bit by the fact that the world doesn’t need my thoughts about it.
The logic of business
Next to my university building there was the business school. The equivalent French term actually translates to école de commerce — school of commerce. At the time I didn’t think much of it. At the time, I just knew they partied a lot and got more opportunities to travel.
The word business wasn’t one I encountered much growing up in France. We used more specific terms to designate companies (often by size or legal structure). Business always felt a bit more abstract. A bit fluffy. American.
Business is only adjacent to commerce. The distinction struck me recently while walking through my local farmers market. In English, Business covers everything from a farmer’s market stall to a venture-backed SaaS platform.
Commerce, on the other hand, is exchange. It’s concrete, relational, and immediately accountable to reality. In the exchange there’s a small moment of recognition. Business begins when we try to make that exchange last beyond the moment. The exchange that once carried a trace of compassion becomes a transaction managed at distance.
As this structure grew more abstract and global, it became increasingly left-brained: optimized, quantified, mediated through symbols rather than felt need. If someone is willing to pay for a thing, it now has monetary value; even when, on an ethical level it has negative value.
That’s the trade we’ve made in accepting money as livelihood and quietly shoving integrity under the rug. Profit, which once confirmed that value had passed between us, becomes the aim itself. And in that shift, the work of taking care of one another risks becoming alienating.
Shopping at the farmers market feels good. Less so at the grocery store. And even less so online. Convenience seems to move in the opposite direction, even for me, living within walking distance of the market.
Business often looks bad to my eyes. Perhaps I’ve been in SaaS for too long and the above is just the proof that I need an exit. I should shop local more often. I feel a sense of angry guilt being in this business-dominated world, narrated by the LinkedIn hustle cesspool we see so often. Sabotage would be idiotic. Do with what you have says the elders, gurus, neighbors, common sense… beyond these few words business makes so little sense to me. I just want to walk around and munch. What kind of business is that?
Digging holes
On the way to the beach, my wife reacted to my quick list of distressing world news: “the guy is obviously crazy and trying to burn as much as possible before he gets pushed out of office. The next crew will patch stuff up and make their own mistakes along the way”. On the parking lot, a bumper sticker reads: “call me when you’re great again” - parked between a beach bum minivan and a huge pickup truck.
I got carried away digging a big hole in the sand with my kids. In the process I thought of the US government and my career. We’re both, more or less metaphorically, digging holes. The absurdity and stupidity seem similar, it’s the magnitude of impact that makes a difference. Venezuela, ICE, Iran, Greenland, Epstein, tariffs, AI defense contracts… the list is long and appalling. The tide will rise.
A seagull took advantage of us being captivated by our digging operations and snagged one of our snack bags. We ran after a bunch of birds who were minding their own business. Kiddo tried to get a fat seagull. He lost the intimidation game. We need a fucking seagull in the White House.
Notes - February 2026
House stuff
We got a rower.
We definitely didn’t need it. Both users would need to put on weight and not lose any more. To that extent it may not have been a great idea. It replaced the couch and looks odd, a true statement piece in our already bare living room.
Rowing in my underwear with eyes closed is delightful. It does feel close to swimming.
The slower cadence compared to running and cycling and the full body engagement promote a smoother movement. I’ve abused my legs so much that connecting with my shoulders is lovely.
I can see the benefits of more pulling in my push-heavy routine.
All the numbers on the little screen make me feel like a fighter jet pilot. Of course the kids climb on it like a play structure.
I appreciate winter candles for teaching kids about fire relatively safely. That is not their mother’s opinion, who bought the candles.
We have reached a volume of LEGO in the house that stifles my creativity. My wife’s sorting impulse organizes them into boxes with compartments. Useful for wheels and windows perhaps, but not for colors and sizes. I want a big box to scrape in and make something. I’m pretty sure my three-year-old is on the same boat.
Domestic Philosophy
The facts don’t add up to the whole. Interpretation after interpretation it never comes to a full stop. We seek closure, which only comes in the shape of death.
My wife has been having fun torturing herself over creative endeavors. In the process she engaged in her favorite activities: nostalgia, speculative gossip, and reading her own work. She leans into her colossal memory to extract some juice and seeks closure or at least keeping neurotransmitters firing.
Whatever path she chooses will not bring definition, just a path. I insistently suggested blogging as an appropriate outlet. She started a blog. If you want the other side of the story you can read it there: soleliu.com
Now we both need to get off each other’s case and learn to keep our material for our blogs. Channeling creative emotional juice and avoiding oversharing is hard. We’re seriously silly and it’s going to (hopefully) look obvious.
She has very nice words.
Most accomplished authors look back at their work without much satisfaction, often writing until death. Treat yourself, relax, or agonize. Turns out we have the choice.
Either way it will be good reading material, but one way you may breathe easier. Oddly enough she has been looking into breathing exercises again. Pregnancy, postpartum, and mom life are not great circumstances to observe the subtle movement of the breath. She keeps trying to figure things out — muscles, posture, activation.
It is so subtle.
It took me years to tune in. I watched so many YouTube physical therapy videos. I have a vague sense of what proper breathing feels like. I can acknowledge it but not easily make it happen. Letting the body do its thing is the opposite of work. That is why I struggle with meditation.
But we are both trying things. It all goes somewhere, also called nowhere.
She bought a toaster oven. She returned the toaster oven. I picked up and cleaned a discarded toaster. We never used it. She considered several other toast-related technologies.
My lovely wife has now endorsed the bold solution I initially suggested: bread + pan
The cultural significance of high school in America is something I barely understand. To my knowledge it is unique. Many other cultures have equivalent phases but doesn’t seem to be as significant.
Pedestrian stuff
Checkout clerks were chatting about health influencers. The oldest was eye-rolling at stories about Liver King and Andrew Tate. While ringing my groceries the youngest said: “All these fools should eat more apple sauce and chill.” I think we can all agree with this (I was buying a few jug of apple sauce).
As I zigzag through a mall parking lot with the double stroller. I noticed a homeless close to the exit. Someone gave him a giant box of popcorn. What a disgraceful gesture I thought. I grabbed a box of energy bar. Nothing fancy but clean. I like these and kid ate one. On the way out I gave man half the box. Selfishly I kept the chocolate flavored. I didn’t know what to say as I approached him. I went with: "Stay strong out there". He calmly nodded and replied: "Thank you. God bless you. I’m from Oklahoma, I’m not dying here tonight".
The amount of time I had to say that yes, I grew up France, no, I do not like wine or cheese. I didn’t come to California for the food but it turns out to be just fine, even the bread.
Knowing somebody driving a white Tesla in California is like knowing someone driving a big truck in Tennessee. Or someone over forty with an ugly mole.
Beard goals: Claude Monet
Making it work and "it works" are two very different statements.
We’ve been oscillating between divorce jokes and fantasies of a third kid - a wide and healthy emotional range right?
At a party I joked that the cocktails prepared by the host were better than NyQuil (my only reference point). That was a lie.
The bible has a lot of references to red wine, honey and bread. I’m pretty sure that if Jesus was truly omniscient he would have had something to say about chocolate and bananas.
My wife asks a lot of questions. She would do great in this whole AI madness. She is a diligent and precise orchestrator. As always it’s the least equipped who faces the challenge.
Petty things I hate:
- people driving to their mailbox. Who are you? The Duke of Westminster needs to cross the country to get his mail?
- Young people who hire house cleaners because they “have more money than time.”
- Vanity plates
- Humor in footnotes, footnotes in general
- AI tool viral launch videos
- Chill blains
- Sports talk
For my morning walk I choose between sun in the face on open streets or slightly too cold under the trees. Some days I make a conscious choice. Lately I just walk. Technically I pick a path but the subconscious process is more pleasant.
One cold morning the light was great. My fingers were frozen. Kiddo was sleeping in the stroller. The fog rolled over the lake majestically. I did not take one picture.
This is progress.
Small Realizations
Occasionally I meet life like this:
Life: “Hey I’m open.” Me: “I don’t have much to offer.” Life: “Sounds like we have a deal.”
Reading blog and marriage: There are so many things that make us different, but far more make us the same.
Subtlety and complexity are so close. There’s a tension between the two that tickles me. Both can signal depth: complexity shows it openly through structure, while subtlety suggests it indirectly through restraint The challenge is that adding complexity is easy, but achieving subtlety requires knowing exactly what to leave out. I spent my twenties lost in complexity. Admiring it at first, then overwhelmed. In my thirties, I find myself reaching for the subtle register instead.
After a decade in tech, I’ve met mostly nice, well intentioned people. The few I disliked were often the result of nepotistic hiring. A few blatantly careless bad apples too.
I also met a handful of legends. All of them acknowledged their good fortune. And luck stroke multiple time.
Sometimes in 2011 I was at my friend L’s place talking about a classmate. L said something felt off about P but he couldn’t say what. I suggested: “I think P has a great passion for something he has very limited talent for.” L laughed very hard and long.
One of my greatest memories of making someone laugh. Afterward he admitted he might fall into the same category. He loved making YouTube videos but knew he wasn’t great at it. I believe we all have some awareness of this condition. That is why I see lack of self awareness in people who advertise “having a hobby”.
My kids love to throw rocks in water. They want to throw many more rocks when they are given to them. They throw significantly fewer rocks when they have to pick them up themselves, and even fewer when they’re hard to collect.
Basic logic. Parenting is full of these small experiments that accidentally explain the world.
Kid meltdowns are another one. Parents get to witness little beings carried away by their mind without resistance. It drives me nuts. It is also a profound experience that illuminates what I’ve vaguely called the human condition. Seeing good and evil flowing in and out of your own people is a different sight than seeing it on TV or through gossip.
The biggest stress amplifier is parent anxiety, not toddler behavior. Easy to agree with. Much harder to work with in the moment, like most life lessons.
The permanent stains on my camping mug say more about my experience of life than this blog.
I had a decent month but the last few days were really shitty. I walked through a cloud of my own farts, seemingly surrounded with people wearing gas masks. An embarrassing number of hours went into wondering how normal it is to be upset about being upset. All the Buddhist lectures got me strangely motivated to learn how to feel like shit correctly.
How do you eat a crap day? With a big spoon and a smile (James Low). I smile every time. I sense the stuff behind it but it hasn’t clicked yet. Still, after an hour outside most of it is gone. Trying to put inner realizations into words is a reliable way make a fool of myself. I tried explaining the above to my wife. It didn’t land. Which reinforces my suspicion that these monthly notes should probably die.
Just like the nostalgia machine I married, I try to hoard life by keeping these monthly notes.
It's time to let them go.
AI shenanigans
[AI burnout alert]
As a response to the insanity that was January, I invested a lot of (company) time dabbling with AI software. It would be dishonest not to say that this was driven by insistent corporate suggestion and the collective fear of irrelevance of the last few weeks.
Meta commentary Almost everything I describe as “clunky”, “esoteric”, or “distracting” isn’t really about output quality. It can do many useful things. It’s the kind of thinking this tool force me to do in order to use it. The subject matter is asserting itself through my nervous system. Writing about it ease anything. The cognitive loop is metabolically expensive: AI forces me to design in a medium that is hostile to how design thinking emerges. In practice, it becomes less a production tool than a thinking environment with a supervision tax. The resulting attention conflict is structural, not personal - which is unsettling, and not particularly fun.
Impressions
Claude desktop app is clunky and stuffed. The soft warm subtle vibe isn’t my jam. I appreciate that it keeps me away from image manipulation. Landing-page vibe-coding is fun for a second until you generate three that look the same. Editing is a struggle. Line-by-line instructions feel like standing behind an intern’s back. I’m not the target for Claude. For developers willing to set up integrations and keep them updated it seems to be fun. All the design skills I tried felt like refurbished js plugin demos. As a designer I’m not impressed but I’m not a dev. Claude is in high demand, especially during PST working hours, it tends to spin for hours on big requests.
Codex UI looks great. I used it for tiny CSS changes and ran into the same hurdles as elsewhere. Talking about design in plain language doesn’t go far. I tried providing flat design images. It doesn’t get it.
I’ve been using ChatGPT like a normal peon since its release. No notable changes. Trying to use it for work didn’t change my UX: lots of rewriting, summarizing, occasional image styling. Research and verbal sparring remain my favorite. Asking it to not be so sycophantic is annoying. It gets lost easily, especially with images. Asking to emulate a style or tone consistently ends up caricatural. It’s only acceptable for documentation and descriptions. Creating image is seriously fun. It’s been testing my discipline. It’s seriously good. I think I have developed that “intuition” for talking to GPT.
Gemini’s output is always too verbose; after two minutes I skim. Summarization on the other hand is very aggressive. It’s so fast.
Google AI Studio is opinionated but gave me the best results for UI tweaks from images and text instructions. Getting started was easy. Not having to setup any API key to use google AI models helped.
Flora was expensed with a pro account and 240k tokens, which I thought would allow me to get something out of it. I appreciated being able to try different models. Some are clearly better at certain tasks. But again I realized I’m not the target user. It’s for asset production and maybe ideation. My favorite image model remains GPT. I got better results with the same prompt via ChatGPT than Flora. The workflow UX with boxes and connectors is cool but esoteric. I got lost trying to fine-tune styling and composition. Talking about design involves a degree of abstraction that makes no sense to a machine clearly looking for keywords. Vector is still out of the equation for now, so Flora yielded nothing useful. I got sucked in building messy files, hoping adding more boxes would help. It feels like a game, not a professional tool.
Pencil.dev - Reminded me of sketch. Better visual design than the big american SaaS products - but still more of a toy than anything substantial. I can see their taster getting acquired more than going big.
Agent.expo.app - Dogfooding expo’s new product. Agent specialization makes too much sense for a react framework. It’s a hard product design challenge. Because I see it from the inside I see mostly the pitfalls. I can also see this the future of Expo: absorb snacks, IDE, combine Go + cloud service in one interface.
Bottlenecks
AI tools aim to be used to produce a lot more output until a new bottleneck is reached and requires human intervention. The bottleneck happened very quickly from my experience. That makes my experience very different from what I see in the news.
You can’t one-shot anything good. Quality is a function of iteration. Such plain common sense would not have been a great marketing tagline not so long ago. As a response to AI, it is today. What a leap forward.
I tried giving a few LLMs an outline and asking for a draft. The time it took to get the draft to a place I felt good about was far lower than what it took me to write my own version. My version remained superior. This is irrelevant considering global adoption of this technology, but it speaks to the loss of “quality.” Doctors, journalists, lawyers, and yes, developers — we need their best genuine thoughts. Review is a different cognitive effort from creation. Like cycling compared to running. Not better or worse but the mechanical assistance promotes a less “wholesome” engagement.
After a week of cluelessness I went over a hump. I started treating AI as a literal intern. I never asked for one but everyone tells me they’re the shit. They do have a lot of enthusiasm and we’re all speculating what to do with them. Sometimes fun, always frustrating, they teach us more about ourselves than their lacking substance.
Most of my time was spent rectifying, reframing, waiting. The wait was never productive nor creative space. At some point I had five tabs open with prompts running. The thrash made me unfocused and unfulfilled. I heard this has a name: token anxiety.
One of my major bottlenecks is attention. The constant interaction with Chats made me anxious in subtle ways. The thrash. The waiting. The reframing. The sense of always being slightly behind.
Each ecosystem wants focused attention. A chat is a conversation that needs to be steered. Like all conversations, frustration happens. The constant fast interactions disrupt my subtle solitary creative process. Chats on Slack with colleagues have a slower pace and ambiguity. AI chats are fast and precise. I’m not, and I dislike talking to INTJs (whatever the tone or personality).
I still feel like I’m using AI like a caveman. Lowering expectations while staying enthusiastic helps here too. Putting vision over execution creates an imbalance. Imbalance leads to failure or correction.
Design commoditization already started years ago with frontend frameworks. Ultra-cheap AI-generated UI is ramping up. It will barely be reviewable without a layer of AI assistance. It doesn’t seem to be evaluated by humans, at least none with decent taste. Meanwhile some people will write code manually for the sake of craft. Cleaning up AI generated design is easy and rewarding but not the creativity I signed up for.
Feelings
Machines summarizing thoughts that barely deserve to exist in full form feels like a strange loop. Most ideas are dead ends. AI keeps them alive while they should have died long ago.
Talking about design in plain language didn’t go far. It’s already tricky with humans. Editing AI output line by line feels like correcting an intern who is too confident. The abstraction layer between intention and execution is enormous.
Vibe-coded shaders are everywhere. I’m visually teased but cognitively left empty-handed. Without design experience, there’s currently no incentive to be a disciplined user. It’s very salient when seeing developers building stuff with AI. The lack of restraint is so obvious.
Hyper specialized AI tools, like humans are the most satisfying. My bet is that the great big project of AGI should or will never materialize. Instead, finely tuned and specialized tools will continue to shape the digital landscape - similarity to the highly collaborative dev tool space of today. Seeing AI as an equalizer seems foolish and yet not entirely wrong.
I realized taking these notes that my personal experience is irrelevant, even for myself. We collectively will benefit of new technologies while paying a cost for it. The attributes of « good design » will remain. The shape of it will change.
On a personal level AI is to my brain what cars are to my legs: Dramatically more effective for navigating the world we made, completely inadequate for navigating the world as it is. I’ll take the car when I have to, otherwise, I’m still walking.
I needed to get this post out for sanity's sake. If you read this message and felt something, you're not alone.
Burning tokens
The beautiful light on my morning walks inspired me to experiment with impressionist painting AI image styling. Ironically Impressionism is all about conveying feelings one had of a scene on the moment. Photo filters are not a new gadget. It’s the seemingly artistic processing that’s freaky. For an instant, I fall for: "it’s so good, why would anyone want to paint anymore ?". But a second later, I discard the image. The AI generated image is not more valuable than the photo it came from.
I thus sympathize those who believe that AI won’t kill art. At the same time I equally support the point of view that art will lose some credit (needless to say that it’s a shame). The intellect, perspective, and patience deployed toward technology is quite astonishing. I bet AI people have not deployed anywhere near as much brain power toward their relationships with their parents. Or perhaps they did and everything makes even more sense.
AI may do to art what smartphones did to photography and music. I can sense the philosophical downgrade. Demographics, technological, political, and other dynamics supersedes my narrow vision. Perhaps I’d be sad if I cared more about art, angered by the slop and distressed by abuses. I’ll be all that at some point, AI or not.
I’ve ignored most trends which is what kept me relatively functional professionally. I had to get on this bandwagon just like I had to learn JavaScript. Everything comes and goes. JavaScript is still there, like a hydra. Typescript being its latest head. I guess I should be grateful I don’t have to write it myself and truly learn it. Carelessness seems deeply integrated in AI usage. It undeniably makes things faster than us. Speed and technique are not all there is to a job well done. Not just in art.
The fact that you can “make an app” in an hour doesn’t make it useful, profitable, or reasonable. Why pay for something excellent when you can build a significantly shittier version yourself? AI tools are the new hardware store, the new art supply aisle, the new tutorial tab. It’s the same DIY impulse, industrialized. Very American. You can always take the time to make a thing. Don't forget that it's an option. One that requires compromises and acknowledges scarcity.
It feels wrong to hear developers confidently say they haven’t written a line of code in months. I can see a forming dichotomy between commercial and artisanal creative digital work. Commercial thinking will be AI assisted, abundant, fast, and shallow. Artisanal thinking will be slower, manual, and scarce. You can take the time to make a thing. This will always remain an option.
Everyone knows there is more to life than speed and convenience. It’s missing Quality entirely – not only quality of the outcome, but of the process. Burning tokens is not a creative act.
Some said I’ll regret this lukewarm stance when AI cures my cancer and gifts me back years of freedom. I struggle to believe the story. Right now the dominant narratives feel either too narrow or too transhumanist. In contrast the near future is pretty clear: AI will be a fantastic economic opportunity. In today’s fragmented and extreme socioeconomic landscape, asymmetry the rule. Thus whether or not we’re entering the era of personal software or not, a minority of established entities will take most of the profit while advertising a benefit for humanity. The desire for AI, like eugenics, comes from forgetting that we are part of nature, not its engineers. So far using on AI to build infrastructure is like growing blueberries in Arizona.
I think with my feet
"Integrity isn't virtue; it's alignment between inner truth and outer actions", as Martha Beck neatly puts it. However, a whole book -The way of integrity (2021)- to talk about this felt a bit extra. Her Dantean Framework is needlessly cathartic. Everything is a process with typical phases, yadi yada… Glorified self-help still sells. Perhaps I’ve read too much silky zen buddhist stuff. Either way, the book exemplifies a broader tendency: taking a process that can be directly observed and obscuring it with structure, narrative, and emotional ceremony (especially in the psychology-meets-spirituality genre). The dilemma is known, it’s in the name.
Still, it’s a book. That counts for something. A published work signals care, and an attempt at nuance. Often the nuance is so subtle, words are the wrong tool. Just like feeding all the books to an AI model won’t make it a great thinker. There’s a lot more to cognition than words carry.
My own thinking, if I may, is directly tied with my interaction with the world. My thinking and moving are one process. Feeling slightly too hot, being a bit tired, needing to pee, influences my thinking (that last one a lot). I just learned that this is a field of research called "embodied cognition". I would have hoped for it to be obvious long before it was academic.
Buddha and Socrates were both cautious about putting their ideas down on paper. Their teachings were lived truths requiring a living voice. No web page or book captures the essence of anything. It’s especially salient to contemplate in the case of these two monumental figures, who pressed how everything is a matter of perspective. Words feel so real.
Today, we use a lot of computers, that leads us to assume that the solution to most problems is computer-shaped. When you have a hammer, everything you see is nails. Salience bias.
A growing subset of people believe that computers will continue to dramatically augment human intelligence. In their view, every limitation is just a matter of more computing power or more training data. Adjacently there is a fun bunch thinking about "Tools for Thought". Most of them researchers and programmers in the western world. To their credit, many acknowledge bias and limitations. In practice, these tools remain glorified note-taking apps (sorry, personal knowledge management systems). Computer-shaped solutions for human-shaped problems. Any lingering concerns have largely been drowned out by the economic opportunities of the AI rush.
Machines can mimic a lot of our concepts such as language, numerals, coordinates, and images, doing so much faster than we can. While it’s useful, it is not intelligence. It’s all left-brain, hyper-efficient processing of logic and syntax, useful but limited, and certainly not "true" in any embodied sense. In academia, this is fueling a search for new ways of thinking, mainly to cope with the sheer speed and volume of (mis)information.
This exposes the hollow promise of the "Tools for Thought" field, which often treats the human mind as a system to optimize. By focusing on "bi-directional linking," "knowledge graphs," and "second brains," researchers often prioritize accumulation and fragmentation over the integrity of the whole. Filing cabinets for the ego. And so much digital noise for my already tapped out left brain.
These tools may help organize thoughts, but they do nothing to help realize the nature of thinking itself. I think there is more gold to it, but no research grants will pay for long walks and sitting out in nature. As always I’m writing this as a note to self, ironically reminding me that the mind is not the notes. While meditation and aimless walks are the opposite of thinking, it’s been for me useful counterweights to a world of words and numbers. No scaling or funding needed.
What about a tree instead
A piece of public art was erected on a roundabout in my neighborhood. The sculpture, Shift (2022), by Warren Hamrick, depicts a fractured world: a globe split in half by a shard-looking shape. The accompanying plaque says it “encourages reflection on transformation and resilience.” I wholeheartedly want to see more art in the world. But a freaking roundabout that trucks can barely handle is not the place. The area is bare, stuck between a blueberry farm and a walled community. It literally sticks out. Few people stop to look.
My one year old is obsessed with this thing. He spends long minutes pointing his finger at it babbling energetically. He seems to say: « can you believe it? This thing here? »
Why does everything have to be so political? It’s so ugly. Don’t tell me what to think Warren. Why here? Isn’t there a better ouse of time and resources? This shit probably cost a fortune to build… All thoughts occurring at the sight of it. It stimulates hate in me. Public art is a common thing and I didn’t give much thought to it.
Ironically, the residents of the same neighborhood are complaining about the tree trimming activity wrecking the peaceful trail around the community. The trees were here long before the development was planned. Planning is hard and homeowners love to complain. The aesthetic of living around big trees, safety hazards and insurance are tough to reconcile. Insurance won.
The trucks will be back, so will the smell of wood chip and shame. The awkward looks and conversation will continue.
Of course my petty comments above are classic knee-jerk reactions. I have lots of these. A younger version of me would have given some credit to the intent. A more recent one might acknowledge the pointlessness of all intentions. For a complex and unremarkable set of reasons, this is it. It doesn’t please my ethical sensibilities of the moment. Perhaps more neurotic projections than ethic. Wood, metal, private equity and local politics. What a delight for the mind. Great sanity checks.
I could have just said I’d prefer to see a tree instead. Now that I think about it, there are plenty of things I wish could be trees instead.
Loose time scales
I popped the wheel of the family e-bike by accident. It’s not the first time. This time we’re blocking the entrance of a public place. The kids are heating up in the trailer. The wife is not happy. I shouldn’t have lifted the bike and rushed the exit. Now the job is simple: stay calm, put the wheel back. She asks four questions in two minutes. The last one is the killer: How long will it take?
Technically it’s nothing. But it’s finicky. And the context is working against me. It’s hot. We’re tired. People need to get through. But I owe an answer: 5min.
Today I’m lucky, in under 3min the wheel, axle and hitch are back in tight. Estimates are always a gamble. I’m not especially good at it, and rarely lucky. I live on loose time scales. At work, a project is either going to “take a while” or “be quick.” A decade of startup life probably did that. I did not so great at GitHub (emotionally), where timelines were sharper.
As for family and personal logistics, time allocation and estimate vary according to interest. If I don’t like it, it takes too long or will take a subjectively long time. As a parent I throw around casually “give me a second” countless times a days. It basically means “wait”.
My use of temporal qualifiers on this blog doesn’t help my case. Time feels more abstract than ever. In exchange, I’ve been developing a newer sense of rhythm. Something closer to the body, to the circadian loop, to the way energy rises and falls without consulting a clock. Rhythm produces an intuitive scale. It’s elastic, situational, humane.
Perhaps, as often, I’m just blathering about word choice. My odd framework still maps roughly to the official system. “A while” is up to an hour and a half. “A moment” lands somewhere around five or ten minutes. “A second” is reliably two to five.
My father once told me about a road trip in Canada. When he asked for directions, people answered in time. “Yeah, Gaspé is far. Five, six hours.” Distance alone doesn’t mean much there. Weather, familiarity, traffic, time of day… many factors influence the answer. We’ve grown used to digital tools that provide reliable precision. That’s just not the reality of life.
Some people, my wife among them, like to play the numbers game. I don’t. But I understand the appeal. I have a bit of that Canadian looseness. I hear Aussies and island people have it too.
Tea
Apparently in Burma, much of what we would call mental illness is addressed through spiritual practice. Vipassana meditation is often recommended for a wide range of mild conditions—depression, anxiety, obsessive tendencies, attentional disorders. Not because they are seen as illnesses to be cured, but because they are understood as variations of consciousness. Restless, sad, angry, distracted, dull—just different weather patterns passing through the same sky.
In the Buddhist framework, there is no special dignity in suffering and no moral urgency to confront it. One does not wrestle anger into submission (like I do) or excavate sadness for meaning (like my wife does). The instruction is simpler and more mechanical: observe the body, attend to sensation, and do not interfere. The mind, given half a chance, tends to reorganize itself.
I found confirmation in reading accounts of westerners experience of intensive retreat. The emphasis is always the same: no narrative, no diagnosis, no catharsis. Just attention, applied (patiently) to breath, pain, itching, boredom, whatever. It sounds austere, until something intangible quietly improves.
I have no desire to go to Burma to verify this firsthand. Still, I find comfort in how neatly this tradition supports my own refusal of psychotherapy and my general dismissal of what my generation labels “(mild) mental health issues.” We all have something odd going on. The only universal diagnosis is being born. This doesn’t deny that some people need serious help. Clearly, some do, and institutions remain wildly inadequate. But it does challenge the idea that every deviation requires treatment.
I’m writing this after a vacation I didn’t realize I needed so badly. No screen or work pressure sent my 3rd ADHD diagnosis to oblivion. I was able to shlep peacefully through the childcare I usually struggle with. An hour of quiet sitting a day clearly did something. I don’t like the connotation of meditation, like blogging or running. I do all of these. They sounds like great big things. But when I do them, it’s just “this thing I do”. Whatever is happening doesn’t announce itself as progress or pain, and that’s the point.
It’s not treatment in the clinical sense. There’s no sense of correction, no project of improvement. Like tea doesn’t fix a cold. Common sense suggests it helps.
I’ve grown an appreciation for tea this winter. It’s my third winter in San Luis Obispo. Until moving here, I never noticed any seasonal changes in my body. But for the last 3 winters starting mid-December I’ve been taking awful shits for a few months. The gut, like the mind, has seasons.
Last year, I fell hard for the IBS pseudoscience. I had all the so-called symptoms. I got freaked out by slushy poop and absolutely foul gas. I’d never thought much about my GI tract because everything had always been fine (occasional food poisoning aside). I wondered if I was eating too much protein. I tried low FODMAP. Of course I tried expensive supplements. I fasted. I cut kale, broccoli, sauerkraut, all beloved staples. I blamed slimy texture on poor fat digestion and bought enzymes. I ate smaller meals. I did GI-focused yoga and breathwork. Naturally, I bought fancy probiotics, which did nothing. In my panic I omitted all testing best practices, but I’m confident nothing made the difference I was hoping for. My doctor said that if it didn’t hurt, it was probably fine, and that blasting my intestines with antibiotics would be a bad idea. “It’s probably some kind of local or seasonal bug” she satisfyingly concluded. And after three months, everything drifted back to stool chart number four, as if nothing had happened.
This year I saw it coming. My wife even joked about it, stinky fart season was coming. We visited family in LA for Christmas during the storms, right when the drama should have started. We all got sick because of our sloppy kids. My Chinese in-laws made us chug warm water all day (tea only reasonably and mostly in the morning) and refused to eat cold or raw stuff. Low stress holidays and warm insides kept my tummy happy. Since then peppermint tea keeps me company more consistently, especially morning and evening.
It’s like baking poop in a little oven. Taking a good shit is one of my greatest pleasure, directly related to conscious and warm liquid intake. Tea doesn’t fix anything per se. But it does a lot.
Tea doesn’t cure the mind either. It warms, softens, helps things pass. It seems to create the conditions for things to settle. And often that’s all I really need.
Notes - January 2026
2 years in SLO. We’re making it work and starting to know how to enjoy the central coast our way. I still feel like remote tech work doesn’t quite belong here. Like being a gardener in NYC, doable, but misaligned.
Everyone was sick. It was grandma’s birthday. We knew cake was not a great idea on everyone's immune system, even grandma acknowledged it was poor timing. Alternative to dairy heavy cakes were considered half seriously. Cheesecake won. It was not light nor subtle but it made everyone feel good about the situation.
I also learned that (some) Chinese count years from conception so it’s n+1.
Our vacations at the parents houses are a pilgrimage, not a proper vacation. There’s nothing to be found at destination, only a vantage point to assess the passage of time. The journey back home is cathartic.
I’m the kind of guy who’s too busy doing nothing to set up Christmas lights or any kind of seasonal ornament.
Long COVID, superflue, loneliness epidemic, collective indignation... we’re really trying to believe that life is harder than ever. I don’t deny any of these but the coverage is so heavy. Maybe it’s just the volume.
“Nice, dude” - “now put on some pants” My wife to our 15 months old dancing on the balcony
Stuck in traffic in the back of the car entertaining the baby. The driver picks up the phone. She struggles for a few minutes to get the Bluetooth working. The topic is important, a family member is hospitalized. Baby giggles as I give him bits of chocolate bar strategically. I’m pretending that my head and tummy are fine. They are talking about a medical report. After 10min of back and forth between voice messages and calls, conversation stops, followed by a frantic attempt to chatGPT medical jargon. Thanks to AI, the depressing stream of fast food plazas seems harmless.
Little dude pooped on the couch the day we listed it for sale. We sold it the same day.
Some people think technology is the greatest lever for human progress. A lot of my peers think design is. A lot of artists say the world needs more art. My step dad (who’s a baker) used to say the world would be a better place if there were more competent bakers.
We all need to believe there is some value in our participation. At least for the sake of sanity.
As I bought yet another smartwatch. My wife rightfully exasperated asked if I was not already disappointed by the entire category yet.
A decade ago I got into bikes. I still love bikes. I just don’t keep in touch with the bike world. I don’t know what’s the latest model or products, nor who won the Tour Divide or Tour de France or whatever is the latest trendy event or rider. I do school pickups and occasional trainer sessions. That’s my relationship with bikes at the moment. I can’t un-know all the stuff so I shiver when I see $5K+ bike in my neighborhood.
I like watches for the same reason a lot of people do. Gear acquisition syndrome with some utility and reasonable clutter and cost. Plus it pairs perfectly with my overtraining issues. I’ve «tested» so many by now I know the category is not relevant to me anymore. It’s too tight, too tacky, too bulky, crappy UI, battery life sucks… my wife heard it all. Holiday sales bamboozled me again.
«Buy something you don’t want at a price you can afford» joked Ram Das 30 years ago.
You should see me adjusting the time on my microwave. How I use my printer, or washing machine, or try to navigate CarPlay. You wouldn’t believe I have a career in tech. When I hear AI enthusiasts talking about how everyone will soon have their own AI cloud setup at home…
Most of the old folks in my family are comfortable with their accumulated stuff. Nothing absurd but definitely more than they would realistically deal with before passing. Their stuff is going to be someone else’s problem once they’re gone (probably myself). That fact is upsetting but also reassuring. We all leave stuff behind. That’s arguably an undesirable trait of consumer society. Unresolved business needs to be dropped to get on the next. Be it simply taking a nap, or passing away. I’m way too concerned by not being a burden to others. But I also sweat, staring at my in-laws' garage or thinking of my dad’s barn…
“Due to causes and conditions, this is it, right here right now, it will change” I tried to keep this formula in mind as much as possible. It’s sticking.
Physical scale is always a compelling way to convey perspective. Not the most creative image, but compelling. Too bad for my cryptic metaphors. All the zen parables really got me thinking I could crack up a poetic and humorous story to illustrate how everything is relatively real.
Try eating without shitting. You’re going to have problems. The shitting and eating are one process. - James Low
J is having a hard time on the bike
I told him no ride is perfectly smooth
J wrote about how optimism is a hard but worthy choice
I told him no ride is perfectly smooth
J is upset by the spread of ugliness
I told him no ride is perfectly smooth
J is excited to build robots to help humanity
I told him no ride is perfectly smooth
I’m trying to cultivate some dharma
I remember no ride is perfectly smooth
If someone is willing to pay for a thing, it has monetary value. Even if on an ethical scale is has negative value. That’s because we’ve all accepted money as livelihood and shoved integrity under the rug. I feel that every time I pass I’m front of a homeless while I have a protein bar in my bag.
D say good marketing is education. That sounds agreeable, but… the problem of marketing is not its relevance but the relevance of what it promotes. In my tech bubble, marketing is often a tool asking for a job. Needless to say that a job asking for a tool would be more desirable, that’s R&D.
I try to stay in touch with reality by taking on small freelance projects: weird crypto, random logo design, old school wordpress maintenance jobs, and lately AI cleanup. All of them require a different kind of creativity. One not focused on innovation but table stakes. The last one is especially tedious. AI generated design always requires a complete rebuild.
I’ve come back to an old Wordpress site I built in 2018. The thing was falling apart. Wordpress is such a piece of crap in today’s standard. Unmaintained plugins had littered the backend and the server permissions were all jacked up, amongst many other bugs. I turned everything off, removed all the plugins and cleaned up the content manually. I felt emboldened and did a quick refresh. It didn’t land well and had to roll back. The perfect reality check. I probably needed it.
In one of the nearby streets, everyone owns a large pickup truck. Today I crashed into a conversation between two neighbors on truck st. They were talking trucks. He got a new one. Apparently very expensive but both agreed, worth it. I couldn’t help but looking at Mr new truck’s missing tooth. I immediately thought that he should have gotten a new tooth instead of a truck. In a few minutes I was out of the conversation. I obviously had little to bring besides “nice truck dude”. Now I needed a few deep breaths to get out of the judgement zone and weird conversation sweat.
Second episode of hand foot mouth disease. Our youngest had it comically bad. His feet and hands were covered in bubbly sores, like cartoon trolls. He handled it quite well considering the look of it. My wife got a few sores, far from him but was a lot more affected. I got nothing. Maybe because my immune system was warmed up by weeks of getting sneezed in the face.
- Thoughts about a third kid:
- a car upgrade will likely be necessary and we dread it. At the same time we don’t want this to be a deciding factor. The minimalist millennial mindset is deeply ingrained.
- The final decision is always coming from mom. It sounds like a cop out from the dad but the pain of a third pregnancy is something I can’t really understand nor fully empathize with.
- Being outnumbered is a silly fear.
- Many older people who expressed regrets to not have had a third kid all seemed not existentially bothered.
- I don’t think I’d be a crappier dad to 3 than to 2. Less attention for each kid is not a bad thing. 3 kids seems like a whole different dynamic. We only repeated the same playbook for number 2. That won’t cut it for a third.
- On bad days we both question our ability to be able to take it. At the same time we reflect on our past selves who would have never guessed we’d be able to handle something like today. 3 is just a potential next stage. 2 is also fine and will come with its challenges.
- This moment reveals an element of absurdity in life. We can’t grasp “life” and yet at some point we try to conceptualize it. Having a baby is not the most hopeful thing one can do, it’s also an opportunity to see the whole game.
- I need some third kid energy (I’m a first kid)
Small solar powered outdoor night lights are everywhere, mostly not doing anything useful aside decaying, littering the landscape.
I love when my wife lovingly hates on my post. Especially the ones talking about her.
“A storm in a tea cup” is such a beautiful image for anger.
Our youngest has been resisting the naps. When trying to put him down, he rolls and jumps endlessly, energized by the soft blankets and cool room. But when I put him in the stroller, the harsh early afternoon sun delivers the message. He goes down in a few minutes with a blessed look on his face as he rubs the sun shade.
I’ve heard the expression “educated guess” a lot lately. It’s always trying to one up “a hunch” or “my 2 cents”. Whether you are absolutely sure or not, it’s always to the best of one ability which depends on everything that came before.
Around my neighborhood there’s a bunch of newly planted trees. Most of them are struggling. Some badly. Unfortunately a lot around my house looks quite sad. The more modest shrubs and sage bushes are making it work. The busted, poorly setup irrigation keeps the landscaping running. The underpaid Mexican crew comes very often and does a rough maintenance job. The older trees are pruned less often. They resist admirably. The big ones are relentless. New branches have emerged since my arrival. Large pieces of bark detach from the blue gum trees. They’re made for this. Not all plants share the same vitality. I see my sons growing. Which ones are they? Thriving shrubs? Struggling young trees?
Bright provocative tshirt reads: “thriving out of spite”.
Me: Don’t make me think about how you want me to think about you.
A lot of essays on AI refer to taste as an educated conception of what is “good”. It’s often a personal blend of abstraction and curation, breaking taste into attributes that machines can act upon. I sympathize with the merits of noodling on this. But I can’t shrug off that taste is an elusive attribute of humanity, nulling much of the philosophical value of any AI output.
“There’s nothing quite like it, at the same time there’s not much to it” said a college about a piece of software. If this was a riddle, I would have suggested the mind or a smile, definitely not software.
The unique joy of debugging and AI coding, comes from the limited context. IRL nothing is.
You can’t step in the same river twice, says the proverb. You can dip in the same code infinitely.
The immense satisfaction of excavating earwax out of a dirty toddler’s ears.
If the internet was like drinking from the fire hose, then AI is trying to chug the ocean. With my dwarf ability in pragmatic inquisition, I’m trying to drink the largest soup with a fork. I feel more overstimulated by AI than my kids.
It’s normal to cringe when thinking of your 18 year old self. It’s hard for me to not let that fact tint my relationship with 18 year olds.
“Being one thought away from life” is my Ram Dass nugget of the moment. What an image. Reminds me of the zen version: “satori is like ordinary life, just 2 inches of the ground”.
Maybe an appreciation for this kind of stuff is a humble beginning.
Is my monthly note flush better than all those AI wearables note takers? The old school blog format and refusal of AI (as writing assistance) makes it sound like I’m virtue signaling. Look at me doing things properly!
A car arrives and parks. The driver, a middle aged lady, comes out, waves at me and my kid playing on the side, then walks away. Halfway through the parking lot, she reverts to pickup a grocery bag from her trunk.
My mental crowd immediately judges the situation. My wife would say that she is on autopilot, easily distracted, risky, no good. My mother in law would see neurodegeneration (like she often points out in her husband). My father in law would speculate on the content of the bag. My mom would point out she wears a really cool tunic. And my dad would appreciate her perfect parking for her age and gender.
Crowdsourcing judgement to my mental crowd is fun. It’s becoming a greater part of my worldview. Soon my kids will enter the game.
I see an old lady who forgot stuff in her trunk.
“If you do nothing waiting for clarity, history says you’ll likely buy higher, not lower.” I heard the dollar cost averaging gospel a few times by now. Today I heard it from a dude clearly using it as an excuse to justify a bike purchase.
I heard of the maritime lore proverb: “he who goes at sea learns to pray”.
Every time I step into an airplane or sit in a dentist chair, I have something very similar circling in my head.
My modern experiences are nothing close to the perils of 17th century sailors but I sense the lack of control in my gut. That’s where my agnostic butt gets closest to god. I’m expecting to have more and more of these moments. Perhaps that is how faith develops for some.
The countless stories about friendship don’t speak to me. According to the English dictionary, I don’t have friends. Never had. Since having kids I don’t foresee any changes. My social and communication skills have ripened dramatically over the last decade. I’m more at ease around people in general. But I remain uninterested in friendship. I have my fair share of community with my own family. I’m not “a local” nor a “global citizen”. I’m just chilling. Sometimes I hate it.
In a book box in my neighborhood, the Bhagavad Gita, the communist manifesto and a statistics textbook were peacefully gathering dust together.
I bought shoes one size above my usual (intentionally). It feels similar to when I double my estimate for a project. I go slower intuitively.
“Rushing into a left turn” is a great starter for an essay I’ll never write, but maybe you will.
Poopy rhetoric
Googling stuff left and right has been a thing for a while now. I’ve never indulged much because I type too slow. I also tend to forget what I was going to ask when the cursor is finally in the search bar. I’ve never been particularly curious nor good at asking questions. I also know googling stuff left and right is just not a way to live this life. Now there’s AI.
And good speech to text! The great brain toilet flush. A notoriously unhelpful tool for actual thinking. It does the job for you, the trimming, sorting, rehashing, even storage. If one had to stare at their thoughts and questions piling up, they’d engage in a different kind of thinking. Because they’d be dealing with the raw material. When I close my eyes long enough and stare at mine, I get the importance of the ability to letting most of them go.
My American-college-educated wife gives me a great window into the normative expectations when it comes to how one should express thoughts. I should be clear, concise, and heavily favor rationality. To me nothing is either clear or concise. I’m going to have fun watching her deal with our children.
My toddler is in his “poopy” phase. Everything is poop. He asks a lot of silly questions. We have to answer, some. Extrapolation is necessary to not be stuck in poop, trains or legos. That process is messy, non-linear, cryptic….
A worldview is an osmotic process, not a connect the dots puzzle (I’m sad for those who think it is). When AI connects the dots for us, we obviously lose the chance for osmosis. My brain activity consistently drops proportionally to the amount of external support it receives. Knowing I have this conundrum in my pocket requires some extra discipline. A real bummer for me running already low on it.
At this point I’m ambivalent about AI. I want to avoid avoids both Luddism and moral panic. But efficiency can be violence, a sort of gentle coercion via convenience. It can be very helpful. Just like cars made us less mobile by moving us easily. It’s quite a simple dilemma.
I don’t like cars, nor AI, but I use both pragmatically. I agree on the base value and severely judge the cost. As always, the public’s enthusiasm will pay for sophistication and cost will creep up. The commons will always be an ideological struggle, if one even believes in their necessity in the first place. Today is different than yesterday, and will be different from tomorrow. AI or not. Machines are not human. How helpful is that observation. Is one better than the other? Shit’s going to happen anyway?
According to today’s optimist, there’s no major problem. We should simply outsource pragmatic reasoning tasks to machines and be thankful for the time and energy it gives back for stuff like… poetry.
Techno optimists like to throw around metaphors to reassure that it simply extends human agency without replacing it. It’s not better or worse, just different.
- How hard does a grenade punch?
- Do calculators know maths?
- Do spell-checkers know grammar?
- Does a piano know music?
- Saying AI can think is like saying boats can swim
The rhetoric of a new age, or truly a step function change in human cognition? I think the question is revealing.
Banana
Marriage is hard. Everyone knows. All those who commit expect some degree of struggle. Small things, big things. Pity parties and rightful indignation come and go. When I’m able to step back I can appreciate the drama as an odd game. I play the husband. In RPG terms, I have my characters attributes: Decent health, low EQ, interested in abstraction, not great with the logistics, moderate enthusiasm… on one hand, they seem real, immutable. It’s just me. Perhaps only right now. It’s empowering to consider how I can change, improve.
The game is much more interesting, juicier, thicker than that. My first note on this blog quoted Franck Chimero: “Life is big—much bigger than just yours.” And yet, each of us is also the whole thing. Elusive. Mystical. My three-year-old once asked, out of nowhere, “What was your face before you were born?” It can sound like baby talk or like the deepest possible question. I later learned it’s literally a Zen koan.
It’s funny how explanations framed for children and spiritual matters have a lot in common. In all other contexts, details are needed the thread meaning and subsequently, trust. What once sounded like pure BS now sometimes carries a quality with no name. And maybe that’s an important fact of life.
I try to point this out to my wife, too often for her taste. She just wants to figure out nap schedules and school pickups and lunch prep. I’m lost 3 sentences in, indecisive. My only interest is to mansplain why this conversation is not going to end well (spoiler: it’s because of how little I have to contribute). Just listening to and offering empathy is not only tricky, it’s simply not more productive.
What if she’s right on everything? Especially after checking one instance where she was, at least according to internet checked common sense (aka Reddit + Wikipedia). Like the other day when she scolded me for throwing banana peel out in the wild. Apparently it’s not kosher according to the leave no trace policy. You gotta pack it up or bury it. I thought it was better to give back to nature to gracefully decompose. The harsh sun would dehydrate it in a few hours and a few months would have it back into humus. Too candid? The conversation is bottomless. We’ll bury next time so everyone is happy.
Attention shifts and constant noise makes communication difficult. We don’t hear half of what each other says. Assumptions fill the gaps. Domestic life is an improvised dance. To those not hearing the music, the ones dancing seem crazy.
But there’s some light. The other day she told me she felt, for the first time ever, a little ache that made her think of her mortality. That banana knows it will be back in the ground.
The anti-hustle hustlers club
Years ago, my wife handed me (literally, she printed the thing on paper, in 2021) Bertrand Russell’s In Praise of Idleness. A classic essay lamenting the erosion of inner life after the Industrial Revolution. I smiled and enjoyed the read. It was hard to not sympathize as a techie flirting with burnout and re-discovering naps.
The “move fast, break things” ethos is still alive. I’ve heard it dressed up as “blitz” and sprints, usually to excuse shortcuts and compromises. More recently, I hear of “Kaizen”, supposedly gentler. While more philosophical, it features a typically Japanese violent discipline.
Then came the rise of sleep optimization. I blame Matthew Walker, or the cultural moment that followed him. Since roughly 2016, products, podcasts, gurus, and studies have piled up. I briefly considered things no sane person should, like multi-thousand-dollar sleep systems. The stuff is easy to sell to despairing millennials. 2 years of co-sleeping with my two baby boys brought some needed perspective. Wack sleep schedule and deep emotional bonding revealed how sleep reaches far beyond health metrics.
Not being much of a reader shielded me from the voluminous anti-work literature. One came on my radar, and being decently short, I read “The Burnout Society” by Byung-Chul Han. Unlike the usual “work is bad and makes us sick,” Han argues that the real pressure today is internal. We exploit ourselves. We optimize willingly. I sympathize with Han and many authors of the genre. My own refusal of optimization is less rebellion than humility. Life is messy. Letting it unfold makes rest meaningful. Han suggests that the antidote to burnout is to cultivate deep attention, embrace boredom, and slow down. On paper, I’m with him.
However, regardless of work or no work or less work, we have to do something. Find a balance. Pointing out that there might be a bit too much Yin or Yang has limited value in the grand scheme of things. Hearing Han speak, confirmed: many concerns, few (realistic) suggestions. To which I’d reply: “so do I, dude”.
I don’t think Capitalism is the root of my restlessness. Consumer society is a poor habitat for it, perhaps not even the worst, but certainly not ideal. My read of history suggests the problem predates capitalism by a long shot. We’ve been busy, violent, creatively distracted since the Stone Age. We do fascinating things with that restlessness. Some of us philosophize, like Han. Others want to colonize Mars. Sitting versus doing. The debate becomes an infinite perspectivist tautology, plain self-contradicting nonsense. And yet we should debate what is worth doing or not. Ideally on a well-rested mind.
From heated arguments at the dinner table to the cultural monuments, all narratives rest upon empty definitions. We might as well pick poetic ones. I crave aesthetics, the “good life”. It’s a different kind of mental gymnastics. To that extent, I sit well with Han and the Ram Dass of the world.
Notes:
1: This is not accurately reflecting authors opinions
2: I’m way overstimulated by reading, that’s why I don’t read much, nor write book reviews
3: This is therapy, not writing, nor philosophy. If being a manly man is finding meaning in every action, then I need this kind of writing to cope.
Getting sucked in
I joke that my wife has a big, fat brain. Compared to me, she’s cerebral, systematic creature. She reads, plans, and thrives on tedious tasks. She studied linguistics and geophysics—words and rocks—gloriously pointless way to channel intellectual horsepower. None of it ever produced direct profit, aside from a few stupid jokes from me. She eventually worked in finance, where tediousness and a friendly relationship with numbers are rewarded.
I can’t sit still nor submit to any process. In that sense, we’re complementary. Our productivity emerges from mismatched nervous systems. She runs the household. I squeeze out creative income. The squeeze only works thanks to an oversized cardiovascular system and monkey mind.
She is able use screens like field workers. Digital tools make her life easier. They extend her capacity. So when I complain about how hellish remote work feels, she doesn’t quite get it.
In theory, digital tools are just another medium. They mediate experience, like books, radio, language. We’re all comfortable with mediation. Wearing clothes is a form of it: more comfort in exchange for less sensitivity. Language does the same. Since the mind eats first, the medium usually is the message. My world mostly is mediated mental activity.
I’ve become more aware of how much mediation I tolerate. I try to keep it as low as possible. That keeps me away from fashion for example. I know there is a lot to it. That thick cultural and historical stuff is pure additive. That’s civilization. I need to wear something, work, consume, move, be part of the machine. That’s all fine. Pragmatism seems like a fair name for managing these added existential layers.
I try not to live by pragmatism. Fortunately, this happens intuitively. Thanks to a gracefully limited memory and an underpowered left brain, I respond poorly to most systems. Shame used to follow. Now it’s mostly comic irritation.
The core message of modern mindfulness gurus reassures me: “Do what you have to do, but don’t get lost in it.”
The agreeable pragmatism behind it still rubs me the wrong way. The lack of a radical call to action feels unsatisfying. It’s mature. Everything has a cost. Liberation isn’t free, but it might exist. It demands diligence. The stoic in me appreciates the smell. What annoys me is the dead end. There’s no way around it—only through. No wisdom to collect. Nothing to expect. At the macro level, it resolves to: and then you die. At the scale of a day, though, it lands differently.
Before drifting to sleep, I often catch myself thinking: Damn. I really got sucked in.
On Fast and Furious
Zen literature loves to repeat that anything can be a vehicle for enlightenment. A sutra. A poem. A barking dog. The point isn’t information, but a perceptual shift. A trigger that snaps you out of your head into direct experience. If one fully gives itself to it, they might glimpse at what’s really there: nothing. Emptiness. The nonsense does the work.
By that definition, Fast & Furious qualifies. Insulting as it may be to taste and intelligence, the franchise is now long enough to contain most major archetypal storylines. Hero’s journey. Loyalty. Betrayal. Redemption. Family. Watching Vin Diesel’s best performance is to witness the unfurling of human storytelling. This is how we metabolize consciousness: concepts stacked on concepts. "Turtles all the way down", as Sapolsky puts it.
We are storytellers. Civilization itself is a story made of smaller ones: parables, myths, dogma, science. Somewhere along that spectrum sits the NOS injected street-racing soap opera.
I remember two other movies from my binge years, only marginally less lowbrow: Kingdom of Heaven (2005) and The Last Samurai (2003). At the time, I was convinced I’d glimpsed something essential about the human condition.
In Kingdom of Heaven, Saladin is asked what Jerusalem means to him: "Nothing... and everything."" The line landed clean. How humble and epic from a such a powerful dude.
In The Last Samurai, the closing narration suggests the hero may have "succumbed to his wounds, or found a small measure of peace many search for but few ever find." Pure romanticism. Heavy orientalism. I ate it whole.
In the same tradition of accidental wisdom, Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift delivers this from Han: “It’s who you choose to be around you that lets you know who you are.” That’s about as deep as it gets for a shy 18-year-old.
You get it.
Every decent story says something about the human condition. Zen doesn’t ask you to believe, just to notice. Sometimes it takes a while. In my case, Winnie the Pooh took longer than Fast & Furious. The chrome and bikinis rapidly broke the spell. It’s devastatingly empty, just like the lyrics of the great poet Ludacris suggests: "I live my life a quarter mile at a time." - How sincere, accidental, and devastatingly empty, like a koan for subwoofers.
Jokes aside, Fast & Furious is a colossal waste of life and resources. The movies are one thing. The industry that feeds on eye candy and brain numbing is another. From any Zen or Buddhist angle, it’s hard to defend. There is a tangible reality behind the images. One notably lacking compassion for the environment it burns through.
On wearables
I’m writing this as a memo to myself. I’ve had enough conversations where I mumbled at these points poorly. This is an attempt at internal closure after yet another episode.
In my case, the core issue is increased cognitive load without corresponding behavioral change. It’s a net negative. More broadly, wearables are far more likely to add load than to improve outcomes. The marketing is a mishmash of sport, lifestyle, health value propositions fading in a goodness mush, rarely delivering much beyond a wrist-mounted stream of numbers.
Wearables are most useful when awareness is absent. In most other cases, the upside is marginal and the downside is real. The data is noisier and less accurate than it claims to be. Many metrics are proxies. Most measurements vary widely with position, temperature, device, firmware, and context. Yet the brain treats them as truth. Over time, wearables erode interoception rather than refine it.
The optimization mindset they encourage rewards control over adaptation, predictability over resilience. Autonomy matters at the individual level, and this cuts against it. Even longevity advocates suggest that wearables are useful temporarily, for pattern discovery, then should be removed. If a device was necessary, humans wouldn’t have survived long enough to invent it. Intuition over instrumentation is the way to avoid hijacking our nervous system. The psychological cost is invisible but real, even if the data looks « good ». Biological feedback remains the gold standard for long-term health.
All of this stacks on top of the documented harms of digital gadgets, gear acquisition syndrome, and the creeping politics of health tech. Taken together, wearables are increasingly an unbearable shit sandwich. And yet... They can function as a safety net. Some things cannot be perceived intuitively like atrial fibrillation, sleep apnea, fall detection. For some, the data serves as motivation rather than authority. A nudge, not a verdict. Data literacy (one of the great delusion of our time), or the ability to not take data at face value, is a critical skill, valuable not just in the context of wearables. Oh, and they’re fun, they beep, shine, and nowadays they even talk.
I see many neighbors walking their dogs with their Apple Watch recording a walk. I learned that many people, seeking completion of their daily step goal, noticed that regular tracking inaccuracy (mostly undercounting). To save battery, most wearables don’t use GPS for step tracking and instead rely on an accelerometer counting arm movement and calling it walking. There has been no step-function improvements since early fitbits (only minor filtering, calibration and compute improvements). That anecdote alone should be enough to discredit the category. Note that this comment extends beyond wearable.
2025 End of year notes
Secondhand-stress ruins everything elder than work. You know the secondary stuff, like family. That’s why everyone in tech can casually mention "my therapist".
A few months in my new job at Expo and I get the feeling of merely having rearranged the furniture in the same prison cell.
I’ve consumed a buuuuuunch of audio on meditation and adjacent topics. I’m drawn to it like music or food. It’s a flavor.
This year, nothing was fully baked. Every piece of software wants to be your friend. Legacies are falling apart. Aggression is the way to stand out. So much noise.
My preferred photographic interests ? Love me some old houses with plant chaos surrounding them.
Before becoming a parent, I had a lots pretentious ideas about the kind of standards I held. Exercise, nutrition and side projects, took a lot of my mental RAM. I’ve been clinging on to it for over 3 years now. Babies have claimed their allocation, as they should. Resistance was expected and normal. Especially for a bozo like me with, 30miles/week, 3 projects in parallel and a decade long caloric deficit. By way of subconscious and biomechanics (negative) signals I may pivot into the next chapter. One where I’m not the kind of person who is spend this much time, exercising and navel gazing.
Every blogger seems to have a yearly “the flavor of my struggle lately” post. I love these.
I heard a construction worker talking about how in 30 years he hasn’t found a way to not wreck his back. I have been working at a desk for a decade and haven’t found a way to “make it work” for my back (nor the rest of it).
We went out camping for one night. Nothing crazy. I slept little and poor quality due to multiple toddler bathroom runs at 3am.
I finished the night reading blogs after ordering a proper sleeping pad. Great reads and meditation; restful in some ways I considered while folding the tent, sweating.
I promised a cookie after the morning walk so I got us to our favorite spot. The handsome mustached barista gave me a smirk of shame as I was on my phone. Kiddo was using the toy espresso machine as a hammer, asking for positive reinforcement.
Mustache nods as reprimand kiddo. I enjoy my hot chocolate. Of course I want whipped cream. Yes, more. I’m at peace for 5min. Toddler realizes he missed out on hot chocolate. I offered. We both poop on the way out. 5 more minutes of peace.
My babies both took most toys as an insult to the real things. They can feel it’s fake. They love inconsequential real things like boxes, packaging, single use items, metal. I hear it’s common. If widely accepted why are we still buying toy?
Toddler pointed out that construction workers “were making rectangles with concrete all day”. I told him I make rectangles with pixels all day, and that’s how I get money.
85y old neighbor wearing a Kennebunkport t-shirt from a past epoch, told that she loves California because it’s a land of care. She loved to care for her kids, her patient (she was a nurse) and now her plants. As I asked her if she was from Maine. She kindly replied that being from the Philippines she was not doing great there: «It’s a place of fight, not of care».
My kind of clickbait description: “It’s only in recent history that freedom has come to mean having a huge array of choices in life. Did we take a wrong turn?” (Aeon)
Pleasant read that reminded me of many of my own thoughts and feelings. The latest one being perpetually bounced around by capitalism. By way of consumers choice, product research rabbit hole, gear acquisition syndrome, returns, endless household purchase arguments… leading me to naturally crave to move to a place with fewer choice due to a lower buying power, fewer shops, fewer people… less demand, less supply.
Once again, I’m the product of my environment. Intentionally reducing options through my environment seems the only realistic approach. There is no discipline strong enough to fight what the modern western lifestyle does to my instincts. At least not in the delightful central coast of California with my current income.
- I barely handle Costco
- I barely handle the phone in my pocket
- I barely handle a perpetually stocked kitchen
- I barely handle my wardrobe
- I barely handle my oversized house
- I barely handle 300 days of summer
The zen of all things (yin-yang) that cracks me up. It nulls all feelings, collapsing them into glorious nonsense, closest I’ve been to emptiness.
The cancellation of any inherent value at either ends of the opinion spectrum is fantastic. In the meantime both ends are justified. One explains the other.
I swerved left from the bike and surprised a delivery truck. They reacted on time, honked, nothing happened. I didn’t pay attention, that happens. A few seconds later we land at a red light. As I hear the window come down I apologize to the driver. “Sorry, dumb move on my part”. At the same moment he said: “hey, I was a bit too close, my bad”. This is civilization.
I was behind another cyclist with a non linear trajectory. I moved to the left lane as he was making a right turn without signaling. As he did a last second check he saw me and zigzagged. He almost fell panicking as I was comfortably going around. My unseen curtesy got me “hey you idiot!”. This is also civilization.
I was fixing my bike trailer hitch for the third time in a month. This time after our post school pickup cookie stop. Our e-bike frame is not designed for additional mounts and the quick release is already pretty tight… it works and it’s worth the extra friction. Today I was fixing it in the street, with a bag filled with poop soiled pants dangling in my face, kiddo whining, and a stranger telling me about his bike trailer experience 30 years ago.
Zen teachings of modern times:
- It is at night that your automatic light flashes you out of your adequate sleepiness. It won’t trigger during the day when you’d need the extra brightness.
- The light always turns red when you’re in a rush. Green shines long and bright when you’re tired and could use a break.
- The battery is empty when assistance would be welcomed. It’s full on a good day, getting me anxious to underuse good gear.
"You yourself are gratified by some music, arrangements of noises, and again essentially nonsense. If I were to kick a bucket down the cellar stairs, and then say to you that the racket I had made was philosophically on a par with The Magic Flute, this would not be the beginning of a long and upsetting debate. An utterly satisfactory and complete response on your part would be: I like what Mozart did, and I hate what the bucket did." - Kurt Vonnegut
«...human thinking is largely independent of human language...» it’s uncanny how my own Buddhism meandering are meeting tech these days. It sounds like an entire generation is realizing that thoughts and concepts are two different things. One being the thingness of it all (concepts, words, natural language), and the other being the mind itself.
As a California resident I’d developed a desire to pay a lot more for things. Not only I don’t trust cheap, nor believe I could enjoy it. I’m showing worrying sign of delusion.
Case and point: I like casual camping but booking campgrounds is annoying and in high demand, so I genuinely thought: « what about buying land? ». And thus I spent 30min scrolling Zillow while on a beautiful morning walk.
Somehow having the sky above my head grounds my thinking closer to what I’d call reality. The opposite of indoors where I’m often lost in abstract and conceptual thoughts.
W got a new bike. « Nothing crazy » in his own words. He noted how dramatically superior this mid range bike is compared to the last one he rode more than 15 years ago. He seemed genuinely surprised— funny for a 40 year old tech PM touting optimism for incremental gain.
In the adjacent older neighborhood there’s a few seemingly inhabited houses. One of them has a statue of a saint covered by moss and grime, surrounded by decaying random crap. I can barely discern the praying hands and face. The details have faded but there’s still a distinct look to it. Icons of past beliefs decaying, illustrating an ever changing world, is a poetic image I’m now sensitive to. How lovely.
“It’s easier to put leather around your feet or cover the road with leather” - heard in a James Low talk, my wife did not like it
A few opinions:
- Side projects are mostly bad ideas
- PHP is still very good, it’s like an old person. It has seen some shit.
- We all have to much stuff
- The erosion of democratic institutions is the biggest threat to our species, in front of all environmental issue
- All things “Ethics” is merely seeing other people. We see too many screens, digital egos, representations… that very bad.
A few years ago, my young family spent 7 month at our in-laws, waiting for our house to be built (just making sure to say that we didn’t directly choose the predicament).
Asian parents tradition being to strip their children of autonomy, we were in a weird place by the third month. The despair while being fully serviced led me in space I never experienced. By a strange mix of meditation and self inflicted emotional abuse I lived a week of zen-like bliss I occasionally fondly remember.
Having been married for years, we’ve now visited in-laws quite a few times. I know the neighbors face and many’s habits. The community gym is a spot of interest. I don’t have, nor want a gym membership but I’m morbidly curious to partake as free bystander. So I go and do whatever we all do in these places. I shake and strain and exert my body in this poorly ventilated small space with fellow primates.
The insights this year is noting how none of us have seemingly gained anything, no significant fat loss or muscular bulk was noted. Only fabric is thinning and graphics are beefing. What used to actively gross me out amuses me. Asian, 100lbs old woman, repping a bright yellow gymshark muscle tee!
I hate hearing the hustle gospel. All the big guys saying "you gotta work insanely hard in your twenties, screw work/life balance". Most of them admit that they say that because that’s what got them to where they are, which they call "success". The puzzling part for me is that I also worked the hardest in my, not so far, twenties. I’m unwinding with my family growth, shifting most of my energy from work to life. I do wonder if not falling for the hustle would have allowed me to be more emotionally available and open up to life earlier. Extending this leads me to believe that the general depression a lowering birth rate is due to work culture. I think I heard version of this a few times by now.
Baby boy decided to walk into one of those lifestyle boutique. He can’t resist the little bottles of essential oils and almost smashes into a shelf. Good thing that the clerk was on her phone. The rampage continues as I’m putting the bottles back. I quickly catch him up. He then vigorously hits me with a wooden object. After a quick "ouch" moment he brushed my beard for a few delightful minutes. We both purred of satisfaction. Thus I gifted myself a beard brush for Christmas.
Reading about France POV on crypto was very affirming. My cultural upbringing and current values naturally agreed with the rebuttal of crypto narratives. The open source, wannabe-democratic-but-anarchic nature of cryptocurrencies is unproductive. It is a distraction. I addresses some issues of current the current financial system but not in a philosophical sense. For countries with greater resources and enthusiasm like the US, why not toy around – but that’s it.
I’ve heard Bitcoins being referred to as "a pet rock" - kept solely for is value while all other token deriving value from their "utility". Utility and value are highly variable opinions. To that extent no cryptocurrency has not changed anything about the concept of money besides words and technology. Monetary wealth remains an end in all cases. That’s a problem, because you can’t eat the menu said Alan Watts. Wy change something when the current kinda works? Especially when the new stuff is kind of the same.
My criticism of France’s stance is that most wealth is "unproductive" philosophically. Most of what we do is unproductive these days. If one is not gathering food, making a baby or or taking care of its environment, it’s a distraction.
I write this as a note to myself as I often check my wallet value and observe my left brain trying to make sense of it. Yet another thing to let go of.
We are subscribed to the Atlantic (My wife’s idea). I read a few pieces when the magazine lays around the living room. We both appreciate the paper reading experience but the content has been harder and harder to grasp for me.
Covering the news, especially the US politics is rough. They’re trying very hard. I can appreciate the thoughtfulness, weaving facts, quotes and good writing. That said the absurdity of the picture is such that it’s barely readable, my cringe reflex triggers every time they need to quote… because it’s so bleak and stupid. It sounds like an adolescent fight reports: "he said fuck them, then they didn’t like it and replied this on twitter, sorry, X..."
I’ve gotten a sense of what many dharma sharer have noted: one’s neuroses never go away, they are the result of a dynamic unfolding of causes and conditions. However one can learn to live with them. Turning oppressive thoughts into flies on the wall is the first level of the dharma game. "Invite them for tea" said Ram Das.
I went through Derek Siver’s Book list and notes. That gave me the final blow, unsubscribed.
I’ve always regarded change is as not intrinsically good. That’s seems obvious and rational, perhaps an artifact of my frenchness. The benefits must clearly outweigh the loss of security found in continuity. There’s always a cost. It’s the Cartesian, scientific approach: nothing is gained, nothing is lost, things are simply transformed. Everything is already there.
That last part was only recently brought to my awareness by the all right brain stuff I consumed. My left brain was (and still is) mostly speculating on the mechanisms of transformation. Since I’m not particularly sharp…
Being "neighborly" has always been weird to me. I grew up in small town France were good neighbors does not disturb others. Nowadays I make a fool of myself trying to sound "chill" to fit in resulting in a vague sense of inadequacy as I verbally stumble.
Thoughts in the cold pool:
- 30secs: I should have eaten more bread for breakfast
- 5min: My life is so incredibly dull compared to this
- 8min: I don’t know how to live, the intensity of this is so stimulating
- 10min: I should write to mom
- 13min: Is the burn is from hot or cold? I’m struggling to swim but not from fatigue
Years ago, I did a genetic test for quicks. The only insight that stuck with me is being in the top 20% of carrier of Neanderthal DNA with about 260 Neanderthal specific variants. Since, I’ve often speculated about having the “cold, scared caveman genes” might make me very inadequate in cozy coastal California. It seems reasonable to say that my physiology expects more environmental signal than a mild, stable coastal climate provides. High seasonality, physical hardship, pathogen exposure are not there, and artificially creating contrast to beat artificial stress is a mind game I tried and failed at many times.
At some point I’ll need to convey to my wife that I love to argue. What sounds like friction is actually enjoyment, without any intention to hurt. We’ve also built an appreciation for untying a verbal knot. So it’s a win-win!? One we lose sight of in the action.
Lots of Buddhist teachings point out how everything is in constant movement and thus escaping categorization. In the process many ranges and dichotomies are considered. A fun, recurring one suggests that we are all always moving on spectrum in between diarrhea and constipation.
I’ve found more affirmation than alienation in my immigrant journey. I hear it is very French. I don’t feel French anymore mainly due to the tangible decay of my speaking abilities.
If the name of the game is presence and compassion then I’m really putting in a lot of unproductive effort and resources.
Quality time
My tech career has given me a lot, but I wouldn’t wish this life on my sons. When seeking empathy, I often joke that I wish my wife could experience it for herself. I don’t dream of retiring rich — just early enough to avoid the tone I hear in every tech worker’s voice. There are few sixty-year-old carpenters still climbing roofs, or software engineers. My system can’t sustain this for another decade. So I returned to sitting.
At first, mostly daydreaming about the future — five, ten years out. Mostly silly fantasies sparked by photos of Australia, and New Zealand (induced by too many spoons of Manuka honey). The “what if we moved there” thought experiment usually ends in dead ends and arguments with my exasperated wife. I’m not really planning an escape. Just looking for one. Though, I get it — the grass isn’t greener on the other side. People are people wherever you go. There’s no perfect place. But since we’re products of our environment, and constantly changing, it still feels worth trying things. Testing alternatives. Seeing what sticks. Considering options, endlessly.
Right now, we’re optimizing for convenience. Healthcare, education and income keep us anchored here; short-term, they’re unbeatable. There’s nothing we want that we can’t get. This version of life is too good, too smooth. It dulls the edges. Maybe that’s the game everyone plays here: comfort now, meaning later. Meanwhile the social fabric thins, the cost of living rises, ethics drifts; parallel to my own sanity oscillating. Wealth and abundance, sure, but I can’t be happy surrounded by tragedies dressed up as progress. They become obvious when walking around with a clear mind.
Be less reactive, be “in the world and not of the world” they say. Seeking sanity in isolation, running away from digital feels pointless. It is part of the world. What seemed like high delusion is now marvelous manifestations of will to live, however imaginable: capitalism without oil, religious without dogma, politics without money, perspective without bias, the mind without distractions…
I’m drowning in concepts and stories. The ones I tell myself are just as obnoxiously idiotic as the ones out there: design your life, improve yourself, make America great again… whaaa?! There is a bit of King Lear in my inner bullshit. I want to retreat from a good position, likely only to hope to get it back. Seated on the toilet or freshly rested, it’s always the same loop: hashing, reframing, prudence, moderation, loose it, repeat. Every thought half-formed and elusive, but the emotional root is clear: frustration.
Frustrated by what exactly? Work? Breathing? All of it? Breathing turns out to be quite nice. Work, not so much. I’m good at what I do, paid well, respected… yet something fundamental feels misaligned. After years of screen-work-induced burn, something has to change before I lose my mind.
Such is the genesis of my eased mind after few week of regular and admittedly laborious meditation (a word that still feels phony to me). Every teaching says not to try, not to force, not to want anything. So of course, I try, force, and want it anyway. Being a contrarian is both fun and dumb. What kind of insight is that? Hopefully just a chapter in life. My abused left-brain is comforted by incomprehensible Dharma tellers. The cacophony of the show of words turns into a subtle sensory polyphony. Just like writing these posts. The cursor moves to the right too fast. Discomfort from stillness bolsters a sort of morbid curiosity for what the mind produce.
Again and again I’ve been sitting, breathing, trying to do nothing — mostly empty, so freaking twitchy. All the meditation guides are so rigid, starting with the sitting postures and, god, the counting. I can’t count pushup reps beyond 3, let alone breaths. I thought seriously about qualifying for ADHD. My blog feed is a glaring diagnosis. Doctors and Telehealth chatbots seem to agree. But then what? Adderall my way to non-dualistic awareness? Manipulate the mind into compliance with CBT? WTF? After thinking about it too much, I hit a familiar wall. Like stubbing my toe in the same corner again.
One more cycle has run its course. Suddenly, while stretching emptying the dishwasher, the all-at-onceness renders silly mistakes and existential dead ends weightless, meaningless. I’m properly empty, in the here and now. Quality time strike even with stiff hamstring, creaky knees, and everything else. I think I might have gotten something.
The ego in the codebase
I have spent a significant amount of time working (and thinking about it) on this website. From the first version to v121 today, a lot of my creative ego I have gleaned and shaped on this URL. As I noted a few weeks ago, some drastic pruning seemed a mature consideration.
Once again I embarked in a redesign, driven by reduction. The expected happened. I spent a lot of time lost in thoughts, cuddled by the familiarity of the context. I know my code and my stuff. It tickles my ego so perfectly. It’s like rearranging the furniture, a video game: delete then bring it back, tweak, tweak, delete again, roll back… it literally kept me up at night.
I read many similar accounts. Often designers and developers who have, along their careers, fused a lot of their identities with their websites. The perpetual change reflect life itself. CSS like wrinkles. Natural, free-range, unprocessed html. Solar powered server, good for planet, great for the ego.
Just like a social media accounts, it seems like amputation to get rid of it. Ego, or whatever one calls big guns upstairs, has its merits. At least evolutionarily. It’s the hydra that grows another head when one gets chopped off. Can I just let it be? In what form. I’ve personified my ego into this pathetic bit of code. How can I make it a pleasant retreat?
The first step is obvious: reduction. Back to the original, good intention. Should I only have one page? Only a blog? Everything is merely a post after all? Pull the plug and delete the repo to avoid rolling back? The shenanigans are directly illustrating the Buddhists paradox «desiring to not desire is still a desire».
Ego countermeasures don’t work. Careful examination and regular trimming allow the flow to continue. Clear writing reflects clear thinking. There is little clarity with my ego. I found some in its byproduct, in the form of this website.
Notes 2016-25
I killed my quotes collections (/notes) a while ago and it turns out a lot of people looked for it.
I would hope folks understand that I dislike how a short blurb, often one sentence, is basically meaningless by its lack of nuance and details. There is already too many slogans and call to actions out there. Social media and every single shopping center are filled with inspiring quotes (even interesting ones sometimes). I don’t sell anything. My worldview is uncomfortably vague; my values are shaping as my life unfolds. I’m not a teenagers anymore, there’s a lot more substance that life that a one liner poster. How depressingly simple would life be if everything could be neatly summarized and categorized. I've thus moved to a monthly-ish note dump format which feels more adequate. It’s a mess.
Anyway, it’s gone – but saved in a illegible long archive post for posterity
2025-02-27
In a world of scarcity, we treasure tools. In a world of abundance, we treasure taste. —Heard in a Zoom (original author: Anu Atluru)
Note: I heard every single one of my managers and team leader repeat a version of this. What makes this pithy quote particularly odd to me, is that I hear is context of tech products. Digital design is so novel, I don't think we as a species have acknowledged to any degree what taste is on a screen. And perhaps, we never will.
2024-11-19
Feeling stuck is the process —Dan M.
Note: A lovely reframing of a age old conundrum I have tortured. Perhaps this best encapsulate the reality of any process.
2024-11-15
Japan has a love for concrete similar to America's love for oil, destructive —Haru
Note: We all have one of these"
2024-10-15
The weight doesn’t get lighter, your back gets stronger —Jimmy Carr
Note: It took me a while to be okay with this seemingly cheesy pep talk from Jimmy to come back at me. After carrying my kid around for 2 years, I see what he means. Progressive overload – not just of the back. The feeling of weight tells who you become on the journey. It’s not the pursuit of happiness. It's the satisfaction of the days, weeks, years spent.
2024-10-24
No matter how old a mother is, she looks to her middle aged children for signs of improvement. —Florida Scott-Maxwell
Note: Although we can acknowledge that our civilization depended on women ability to deploy great care, it has made us all (at least a bit) paranoid, self optimizing biological machines. The modern world turned a positive trait into a huge burden. It’s exhausting. We internalized the desire for betterment and got lost in defining what better even looks like. Downregulation of that instinct seems to be a key for sanity preservation, and the longevity of my marriage, and perhaps a more pleasant society.
2024-10-15
Society is held together by guardrails and fail-safe mechanisms, not the goodness of a majority – but feel free to preach kindness. It’s always appreciated. —A homemade bumper sticker on a big rig
Note: I'll need to saying this to my kids someday, so I'll leave this here as it's phrased exactly as I'd want to say it.
2024-09-09
And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be crazy, by those who could not hear the music. —Friedrich Nietzsche
Note: A classic example of a big mouth and pretty words that lead me to glorify gross oversimplifications. Yes, one might be misunderstood by others who cannot appreciate their perspective. Everyone hears a different music... the allure of perspectivism gets me everytime. It can justify almost everything.
2024-08-31
I go to sleep early, but sometimes I’m so excited about breakfast that it keeps me up. —Zeb Ramsbotham
Note: Very relatable. I love breakfast, and the quiet time I get before anyone else is up. I admit to often counterproductively and obsessively thinking of how to best leverage this precious time, which, like Zeb keep me up and further away from it. When I just let it happen, it is Grand.
2024-07-25 Much will be gained if we succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into common unhappiness —Freud
Note: Psychotherapy is used to go from neurotic suffering to banal trouble. To realize that the good and bad are equal parts of life. Nothing will change that. Philosophy begins where therapy ends. The wise are wise not because they are less foolish than average but wiser than average. I've lived long enough to realize that stoicism as a guiding philosophy is setting an unrealistic standard that will inevitably lead to misery.
2024-07-06
If a brick can't turn into a mirror by polishing, how can meditating make you a Buddha? —Zen parable
Note: The object of the search will never be found by searching itself. The contemplative life is first of all, life. It implies movement, diversity, interactions. To reduce it to a set of narrow esoteric practices (like sitting meditation) is intellectually and spiritually sterile. I personally find little ease in meditation's immobility and silence. The relief comes after, sporadically.
2024-07-05
Nothing strengthens a delusion more than fighting it —Fact of life
Note: This just needs to be here.
2024-07-05
If there is no solution then that means there is no problem —Jacques Rouxel (Shadocks)
Note: I spend much my professionally productive time writing about problems, searching for solutions... which in the corporate world riddled with growth BS can be quite an absurd task. A tangled mess revealing that the knot itself is the illusion. So I'm going to make myself some tea (the real) and enjoy the serenity of non-problems.
2024-06-24
Of the ones who have nothing to say, the quiet ones are the most pleasant —Coluche
Note: I often launch into a whole spiel, convinced I have some profound insight, only to realize 2 sec later that I'm just making noise. I blab too much. Whatever the occasion. Even when I’m clueless, I always have an opinion that I should really keep to myself.
2024-06-24
Giving to others requires friendship with oneself —Salvatore Giammusso on Aristotle's Ethics
Note: From philosophers to my PT urging me to care for my own health in order to be able to care for my family. Charity in its simplest form, care, must start with the self. The no-ego/no-free-will propaganda of today gets me feeling selfish at times. A feeling I’m learning to defuse contextually.
2024-06-22 Yeah, that sucks – I'll be mad about it in another life —Chill looking old dude in the community hot tub
Note: Whatever the cards you get in life, there will always be struggle. Your choices won't change this fact. Many people find solace in realizing that humans have little control over their own fate. I prefer to focus on taking responsibility for how I feel about it to avoid throwing myself a pity-party. Feeling oppressed by some cosmic power is a dead end. Most of my pain comes from resisting this fact.
2024-06-07
Most wealth is inherited, not self-created —Thomas Piketty
Note: This has been on top of my facts-that-irritate-me list for a while. Everyone sane knows that the current system is not truly a meritocracy. Facing this statistical reality can be a grounding or frustrating experience. As growth slows, past wealth naturally takes on a larger importance. It's harder for us today than it was for those before, and much harder for those who'll come after. I'll leave this here as a reminder for people like my mother-in-law and advice-leaking poolside boomers.
2024-06-06
The key to being a wonderful writer is not to write. You just get out of the way. Leave room for God to walk in the room. —Micheal Jackson
Note: Creative work relies on breakthroughs - eureka moments. Over the years I’ve developed an appreciation for the little control I have over how the breakthroughs happen. One can give himself a slight edge with a few hacks and rituals but in the end, it's never fully in our control. Appreciating the struggle of it all and creating the space allows one to elevate the creative act beyond oneself. I’m not big on god, nor making Art but I sense little free will in my own process.
2024-04-01
The outcomes are a byproduct of your process. —Marc Hemeon
Note: I'm a creature of habits with a massive struggle to find focus for the sake of making a thing. Partly because I don't have a strong sense of what I want to do with my 4000 weeks, but as Marc points out, I'm not convinced that having a sharply defined target is the best way to get anywhere. I have my quirks, my process of making stuff because it all goes somewhere- like these notes.
2024-03-29
Go everywhere, slow everywhere. —Dan met on Perfumo Canyon Rd
Note: Everyone leaves the races at some point in their life, for different reasons. One day you die. You win the final race. I'm not in a rush to win this one. The fitness culture in the US leaves alien to the true pace and feel of the great outdoors. It's comical how it’s hard to find good cycling gear for truly recreational riding. The mild discomfort of times on the saddle is worth the space it gives the mind.
2024-03-25
I'm not wise enough to hold the thought of the ephemeral nature of my life, so I have to surround myself of a few vanities. —Sylvain Tesson
Note: Ambiguity in a world of endless distraction distractions urges us to live faster, try all the things, in an attempt to reach something that appears elusive. I forget the philosophy often. Devices, often gimmicky, are the best reminders. I long for a beautifully examined life, sitting in a garden with the luxury of time to contemplate. That's unfortunately not the reality of most of my days so I need my silly watch.
2024-03-22
Nothing is more peaceful than having no interest in a anyone —popular statement seen online
Note: While the first read seems to indicate a desire to justify, perhaps even appreciate solitude rather than seek attention and romance, I hear something broader. Especially when replacing the term ‘anyone’ with ‘something’. I’m rarely at peace with rejecting something or someone, even when I have truly no interest. Saying no allows peace to be kept and judgment surrendered, ideally on both sides.
2024-03-19
How are we going to get to get back up?… That’s a problem for a later-me —dad of 3 met at the bottom of a tall dune
Note: A golden piece of dad knowledge. Sometimes letting go simply translates into postponing reaction. Dealing with things in the moment is tricky, most of our behaviors are responses. Delay is a sort of non-response, not necessarily nonchalant or lazy, and almost always a wiser choice. The idea is not to hope to forget or get away with it. It’s to reduce stress in the present moment while making space for a wiser answer. To touch a bit of that be-here-now feel.
2024-03-14
Incredible things materialize when you learn to let go —Zen / Buddhist formula
Note: AI've come to define what feels like my consciousness as a state of (constant) mental strain. The momentary release of the strain, or enlightenment as Buddhists say, is a momentary awakening, calling for lifelong cultivation. The beginning of this process is to allow other people, things, and process, to have their own opinions; do their own thing. Without judgement. Basically letting go.
2024-03-11
There is beauty in mediocrity —Beau Miles
Note: As someone often caught up in the torturous feelings of the creative process, I find some comfort in this zen-like statement. If the thing I’m chasing exists (goodness) it must be contingent on the existence of its opposite (mediocrity). Thus encountering mediocrity should be accepted as part of the process. That doesn’t make it easy, but somehow confirms forward motion.
2024-01-27
Have you seen the size of a donkeys hears? You don't need to whisper loud. They ear everything. They even ear your thoughts. —Theo du Plessis
Note: Babies, animals, rocks... all things that appears to not 'understand' the complexity of the world extend us an invitation to pure awareness. It's easy to see ignorance where there is only presence. A sense of wholeness that only the momentary cessation of thought and movement seem to enable. I'm not great at sitting still or not thinking, especially at the same time.
2023-12-21
We have gone so far as to define faith as intellectual conviction rather than living fully in a condition of limited knowledge. —Thomas Moore on Thomas Merton
Note: Partial knowledge is frustrating but what seems to be the most honest and accurate description of what this whole circus is about. Although I’ve not gotten much exposure to religious views on the matter I can now appreciate how they offer an elaborate coping mechanism. Most of the perceived differences are historical events and storytelling devices. I've defined for myself the concept of 'god' as: the contemplation that there is (not simply might) a particular something rather than an abstracted nothing.
2023-12-01
Frugality is not poverty but often looks very similar. Frugality is a deliberate behavior. Poverty is inflicted. —Jean-Marc Jancovici
Note: It's easy to feel oppressed by loss when something becomes unattainable. Basic and comfort are two different things. Food, water and shelter are all we really need. Abundant, cheap energy brought a lot of comfort into our existence. That's very recent and won't last. We can and will have to choose how we feel about it.
2023-12-01
There is at the bottom of a deep squat, or a good calf stretch, more healing than psychotherapy will ever bring to you. —Rephrase of something overheard at the gym
Note: When the body doesn’t feel good, we're not primed mentally. Exercise is medicine. From Hippocrate to the modern gym, our body is our temple. Mind and body are the same thing. Not hardware and software, but one beautifully complex organism with a sort of physical intuition that enables one to literally get in touch with it - To listen to what just is happening within and around... Fundamental perceptions with cathartic potential that medicine will only assist, but never provide.
2023-11-30
Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize until you have tried to make it precise. —Bertrand Russell
Note: I initially thought that lack of vocabulary was at the root of many of my frustrations. Exposure to Eastern concepts (to not say buddhism) have led me to believe that all things are just concepts, even the most defined philosophical or scientific fact. There is no way to accurately describe (let alone understand) the essence of a thing. And this doesn't mean that we should never try or talk.
2023-10-17
I can’t help wonder if the cost, monetary and otherwise, is really worth it just to be able put a number on how much one sucks at cycling. —Mike Hayes
Note: I go throught cycles of interest/hatred with tracking devices. From sleep, to exercies to food I tried most mainstream things for no real benefit other than momentary feeling of control and accountability that was not needed in the first place. Knowing the attention and emotional cost was just the first step, the cultural and ecological costs are crystalizing a even grimmer picture.
2023-10-15
I don't have a solution. Just concerning thoughts. —Ana Rodrigues
Note: I could (perhaps should) start most conversations on important topics with this statement.
2023-10-15
How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. —Annie Dillard
Note: I feel the reality of this statement almost every night as the day fade. Seeing life in a day has become something much more concrete than a poetic concept, mostly by becoming a father.
2023-10-14
Whatever one achieves by efforts directed at anti-aging, one still winds up older than the younger version of oneself. Even during the time spent in pursuit of anti-aging, we are…aging. The very time spent making the comparison widens the divide. —David L. Katz
Note: Deep is the shame I accumulated because of some of my 20s self help and influencer based obsessions. Life is a blessing at any age. There is something clearly sisyphean in humanity anti-aging quest.
2023-10-02
Our modern skulls house a stone-age mind. —John Tooby and Leda Cosmides
Note: In a society where basic survival needs are generally met, you may find yourself grappling with a void, a lack of a clear, driving purpose that your ancestors naturally had. Thus, your struggles are viewed as a mere lack of willpower, when the problems run much deeper. You spiral into a paralyzing indecision amidst a sea of seemingly endless opportunities and choices. Having unlimited paths can be as agonizing as having none.
2023-09-27
Once you're out the door, it's always worth it —Lachlan Morton
Note: Sometimes unsolvable questions like “what is my purpose?” and “why should I exist?” lose their force upon lifestyle fixes (acts). In other words, being around people, going outside regularly and getting enough sleep can go a long way to solving existentialism. "
2023-09-22
A point of view can be a dangerous luxury when substituted for insight and understanding. —Marshall McLuhan
Note: Still simmering :: I'm certainly guilty of opting for a quick opinion rather than getting evertyhing factually right - perhaps to a fault and definitely to the great displeasure of my wife. tere seem to be too few socratic truths to really uphold such a standard, yet I see the slope.
2023-09-14
This is the game we play: The only thing you really know is what you can put into words —Alan Watts
Note: Many arguments with my wife that started on very simple and tangible things that escalated to definitions of definition have told me that, the more we say, the more we move into the world of words and away from reality as it is on its own prior to conception (and feelings)"
2023-08-29
If you don’t bring it with you, you won’t find it there —Poem on pilgrimage
Note: As I become a homeowner and get into the inevitable accumulation of stuff, I try very hard to remember that peace isn't a fancy house, better stuff or an exotic vacation. It's cultivated inside.
2023-08-13
A man went in search of fire with a lighted lantern. Had he known what fire was he could have cooked his rice much sooner. —Zen parable
Note: Seeking satisfaction in others or in external objects or events reinforces a deep and often unacknowledged belief that we, as we are, are not entirely complete; that we need something beyond ourselves in order to experience a sense of wholeness or security or stability.
2023-03-17
Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him. —Aldous Huxley
Note: An obvious fact of life that really stuck as I stumble upon it summarized this way, which perhaps illustrate even further the fact that I needed to experience it that way for it to finally register.
2023-03-16
The problem is no longer getting to express oneself but finding moments solitude and silence in which one might eventually find something worth saying. —Gille Deleuze
Note: Technology claims to empower us to express ourselves easily. The ease is there, and has been for a long time. Too many options and a fetish for tools seems to separate us from our thoughts. There is those who abuse of this, diluting meaning in mass and those like me who struggle to even find the space to let thought occur.
2023-01-12
As technology advances, software will increasingly be chosen not just for how well it addresses its use case, but how it conveys its personality, similar to how we choose our clothes. —Molly Mielke
Note: I spend a lot of time in my career in tech arguing to make things prettier. Our culture either worship beauty or rejects it. Software in most case is perceived as utilitarian only. I hope one day our culure will change its understanding of the unfortunate reality.Until then I'll pray for a return to the jungle while making 'pretty' pixels.
2023-01-01
Priorities are like arms. If you think you have more than a couple, you're either lying or crazy. —from 'The Wisdom' by Merlin Mann
Note: I heard many version of this. Counting 'fucks' seems to be a sign of the battle being already lost. Instead, I like how this focused on a direct comparison with what the body allows. With childcare I discovered a degree of fatigue that was unknown to me, forcing me not to redefine my priorities but to pick 2 and be okay with it. Because: calories.
2022-12-20
Be careful what you cast out — the vacancy is quickly filled. —Austin Osman Spare
Note: After year of interest in minimalism and thinking about how to navigate our consumerist society, this remain one of the hardest entropic force to overcome. Get rid of something is just the first step of the process, keeping the space free to reclaim clarity is the bulk of it.
2022-12-20
When I think too much, I fall on my face —Beau Miles
Note: Overthinking has a been a problem of mine for long. like a lot of people, my problems is I think I have a problem. It’s really easy to tell ourselves how something is unfair until we realize we are the only one responsible for the happening of it.
2022-12-9
Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. —Robert Fulghum
Note: As honest as my rage and pessimism feel, I know its unhealthy character. The existential pressure of raising child is working against me in a good way. Of course it's not enough and surely not the socially praised way to deal with it. But it feels stronger than all the will power I've ever deployed.
2022-12-8
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. —F. Scott Fitzgerald
Note: There is so much complexity, ambiguity, paradoxe, and contradictions in life, it is oppressing. Staying functional while acknowledging each side of every idea is exhausting but seem to be a path to intellectual honesty. Nothing is all good or bad. Timing and context are everything. Do the mental effort.
2022-11-10
Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. —Anne Lamott
Note: If you ever need a mantra to convince you to take a break, this is a good one. I like to walk, since I can't just sit still... at least without earplugs.
2022-10-25
Where you stand, this bright corner of the universe, there is no one to enjoy it but you. —Sam Harris
Note: It took me a while to emotioanlly acknowldge that a moment exist only because I live it right here, right now. The sense of urgency created by having a child rendered clear the crucial importance of living in the present, and the discipline which that it requires.
2022-10-15
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. —Epictetus
Note: My ego supported by modern technology often makes me believe I've, or can figure things out, fairly easily. But some things like gardening or parenting, do not obey to classic ignorance > knowledge > solution pattern. It needs to be experienced to viscerally be discarded.
2022-10-15
What a strangely fitting end to a life so very well lived —Josh about Socrates
Note: His living voice and examined life have been dissected across ages but his death is really what gave it its legendary status. Few conversations can really get into the meat of socratic philosophy. Those who know anything of it usually appreciate the comment about his death as a great example of the Summum Bonum.
2022-10-12
Unless you are hunting for food or making a baby, there is no point to anything really —Beau Miles
Note: Living the first moments with my own child made me quickly reflect on my relentless quest for meaning. The primal feel of seeing your own kid live is humbling. There seems to be no great purpose beyond being alive here, now. The sight of a baby allows to boil down life to it's very essence: Eating and procreating.
2022-10-07
For all its material advantages, the sedentary life has left us edgy, unfulfilled. Even after 400 generations in villages and cities, we haven’t forgotten. The open road still softly calls, like a nearly forgotten song of childhood. —Carl Sagan
Note: I think about how modern life has changed us. Often for the worse, contemplating the myth of the noble savage. There is an undeniable loss that occured over time. I'm unusure about the idea of a human nature, like a preset. But when I feel unfulfilled I sometime fantasised of a more primitive existence.
2022-10-02
I'm always one ride aways from figuring it all out —Tom Ritchey
Note: My thoughts rarely make sense when I ride my bike. It's always after getting off the saddle I really realize that and can get the second wave. The good stuff comes after. It reminds me that exercise is medicine and that the only thing that matters is here and now. On and off the saddle, on which I'll be back soon.
2022-10-01
After all these years, I have come to realise that I must go through a period of agony and torture before I have a breakthrough. —Hans Zimmer
Note: Nothing good comes easy. The creative process is a torture that usually feels too personal. I like how zimmer puts in perspective the pain of the process that rarely get acknowldge in our hustle culture that want flow state and breakthoughts on demand.
2022-10-01
The dose makes the poison —Paracelsus
Note: We've know about the idea of hormesis for a long time but seem to forget quite often that a bit os something bad for us can have positive effects. Too much comfort makes us weak; not enough can kill. Finding the limit is a perilous exercise of moderation. I try to apply this hormetic approach to nutrition, exercise and intelect as frequently as possible.
2022-09-30
The stronger a theory is, the easier it is in principle to find that it is false, and the more likely we are to believe it if we fail to do so. In contrast, a theory that is completely incapable of being disproved is often described as ‘metaphysical’ or unscientific. —Alastair I. M. Rae
Note: I'm not the sharpest ool in the shed – so this is a healthy reminder to not fall for overly simplistic explanations often supported by Einstein words: if you can't explain something simply you don't know it well enough. Reality is messy and has granularity that isn't easy to grasp.
2022-09-26
Communication is limited by perspective. —Andrei Tarkovsky
Note: This capture in a mantra like simplicity what makes human communication so complicated.
2022-09-25
The content or message of any particular medium has about as much importance as the stenciling on the casing of an atomic bomb. —Marshall McLuhan
Note: The medium is the message. Get off your phone. Everyone has an agenda. Channels are endless. You can't truly control your exposure anymore - at least not without taking drastic measures. Focus defuse the bomb.
2022-09-24
The unit of survival is organism plus environment. We are learning by bitter experience that the organism which destroys its environment destroys itself. —Gregory Bateson
Note: As the global warming crisis is unfolding, let's keep in mind this fundamental principle. Both side seem to agree on the principle but not on what the environement truly is.
2022-09-22
Conversation – whether with other people or with ourselves – remains our only means of making intelectual and moral progress. —Sam Harris
Note: The hundreds of hours of conversation with my wife have proven this over and over again. Thought crystalizes during conversation and get beaten down to it essence. As imperfact as human communication is, it remain our best tool to make sense of things.
2022-09-19
Honesty requires that we each radically reduce our expectations that machines will do our work for us or that therapists can make us learned or healthy. —Ivan Illich
Note: I spent my 20s accumulating stuff, habit, money. Entering my 30s I came to realize that a bit of that wisdom that come with aging is about unlearning certain behavior and expectations. The value of putting the work, examining yourselfs becaome more real but also easier to ignore or escape over time. You can't beat entropy, even if technology makes you think you can.
2022-09-18
There is no product or service more ecological, sustainable and recyclable as the one we do not use. —Philippe Bihouix
Note: In a time where we all seem to struggle to find truly sustainable solutions we tend to forget that not doing, producing, making, buying is the most relevent path. The oxymoronic nature of this is a necessary acknowledgment in a world obsessed about growth. May this be a helpful way to remember that not doing is always the cheapest and often the truly virtuous path.
2022-09-16
The main distinction between meditation and our usual hap hazard thinking is coherence; it should be an ascetical exercise of intellectual sobriety. —Anthony bloom
Note: Hmmm"
2022-09-15
The man is richest whose pleasure are cheapest —Thoreau
Note: I found too much peace in letting go of many physical things to not agree with this timeless observation. Whether it's appreciating the taste of an boiled egg, the feeling of a pencil or a nap; there seem to be a relationship between the nature of a pleasure and the it's ability to connect us with a sense of presence on one's life. "
2022-09-08
Sometimes you don't know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory —Gunnar Freyr
Note: Building a relationship with my wife and telling stories of my childhood has crystalized this simple fact of life. As I'm thinking of my own future child, I realize that a lot of his worldview will be through his memories - all of them.
2022-09-04
The plural of anecdote is data. —George J. Stigler
Note: I've spent a few years obsessing over data. Personal tracking, work metrics, studies... The need to test and prove is real and understandable but generally has too high of a cost for the insight it brings. I should not have needed a wearable to tell me the value of sleep. An honest conversation should have been enough.
2022-09-01
Like our stomachs, our minds are hurt more often by overeating than by hunger. —Petrarch
Note: We rarely underdo anything as a species. Removing something bad often yield better result that adding two good things.
2022-08-10
Most tools are boring, until they’re not, and then they become miraculous. The onus is on the craftsperson to figure out how to escape the boredom. —Craig Mod
Note: I design websites. Nothing exciting in itself by now. My only real interest in this craft if to create that little touch that will make an experience standout without overdoing it. Tempering the ego to let work be work is has been hard. A good tool often looks beautifully boring. It's a process, both on the creation and relationship side.
2021-09-10
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself—and you are the easiest person to fool. —Richard Feynman
Note: I'm just another fool. All of us live knowing this. Few are able keep this as a mantra. I get caught up too often.
2020-08-15
The ones who will be able to afford the autonomous car, are already sitting in the back seat. —Carlos Tavares
Note: Sometimes I believe in the power of individuals. Because our actions compound we get to all shape the world right? Nope – Decisions trickle down most of the time.
2020-06-06
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. —Voltaire
Note: When something feels too clear, maybe you're actually don't get it. But if you feel struct by how unsatisfying your understanding feels, you're probably closer.
2020-05-01
The learning of many things doesn't teach understanding of anything. —Heraclitus
Note: Too many overeducted people have stated the relative futility of their education. An examined life seem the only path to the a form understanding. Note after note. This is the closest we’ll ever get to knowledge and hopefully die in peace.
2020-04-26
The defenders of our freedom have failed to take into account our Infinite appetite for distraction. —Aldous Huxley
Note: Our current liberal democracies can't keep their integrity because we've all lost most of our attention span, thus most of critical thinking.
2020-02-06
Wisdom lies in correctly discerning where we are free to mold reality to our desires and where we must accept the unaltered with tranquility. —Seneca
Note: Human have clearly overstepped the boundaries of what stoic would have called reasonalble. Nature is not here to please us and we should not always bend it to our desires. Don't build a house at the feet of volcano.
2020-01-30
Democracy has no capability to prevent its development towards totalitarism when resources become scarce. —Lasse Norlund
Note: The concept of post scarcity annoys me as it feels so detached from reality. There is too many things not working in our current system to be that delusional. We all need food, water and shelter. The condition for widespread access to this is a precarious balance.
2020-01-14
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. —Lao Tzu
Note: Gardening taught me something beyond patience. An acknowledgment of the perfection i "
2020-01-03
Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again. —André Gide
Note: I started this collection to solve exaclty this. Everything as been said before, better than I could say it. I tried many time to give my own free thinking some space and envergy but ended up with mediocre notes that can often be summarize in few words - hence this.
2019-10-22
I don't like training but I don't like dying either, so I'm going to train. —Beau Miles
Note: Discipline should have a purpose. Training certainly has one. All essentials practices can be and should be considered training. From the obvious physical ones to the more subtles ones, like boredom.
2019-10-10
There is meaning and satisfaction in living close to the source of things. —Masanobu Fukuoka
Note: We are so removed from the orgini of most things that populate our lives. Objects manufactured on the other side of the world, plants cultivated hundreds of miles away. The concept of autonomy start by getting physically closer to things to change our relationship the the processes and resources amking our lives what they are.
2019-10-10
We should not attribute to malice that which is more easily explained by stupidity. —Hanlon's razor
Note: It took me too long time to properly use and understand this popular adage. Often used as a convenient intelectual shortcut to avoid having to really make an effort to thinking critically.
2019-09-28
All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone —Blaise Pascal
Note: One thought to rule them all. The ability to not think as the ultimate skill for healthy function.
2019-09-27
Beware the stories you read or tell; subtly, at night, beneath the waters of consciousness, they are altering your world. —Ben Okri
Note: Everything is a constructed story. We're here today thanks to them but also miserable because of them. They should be seen for what they are, devices.
2019-09-20
The part can never be well unless the whole is well. —Plato
Note: It's easy to fall for incremetnal gain but leave the root cause be. The bigness argument always surface. Sometimes allegedly. Often as rejection of the true origin, or worse, intelectual dishonesty.
2019-09-20
He who jumps into the void owes no explanation to those who stand and watch. —Jean-Luc Godard
Note: Being different is okay. Knowing that difference and not allowing alienation is recommended.
2019-09-10
Don't like trucks? Stop buying shit! Problem solved —Bumper sticker on the I5
Note: Consumerism is not easy to bear. Its waste is in our face all the time. We tend to grow numb to it. I still can't stand the diffuse sound of the distant freeway in the night. It reminds me too much of my lack of autonomy.
2019-09-10
The essence of greatness is the perception that virtue is enough. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Note: There isn't much else we should aspire to in life. Do the right thing and derive from our action the feeling of having done our part; or at least, enough.
2019-09-04
Their mistakes did more of the teaching than the explicit virtues they were trying to instill in me. —Sharon
Note: Learning something sometimes happens in very indirect ways. Observing these ways teaches us as much as the lessons themselves.
2019-07-01
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death —Leonardo da Vinci
Note: A good day now brings no anxiety. A bad one brings relief. Sleep is the training.
2019-05-03
There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions —Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Note: We engineer everything these day. Consider the simple beauty of the ultimate complexity of nature - the simplicity of a drop of water and how everything in this world lives thanks to it. Now explain dams.
2019-04-23
If hard work made us rich, donkeys would be draped in gold —Heard Craig say this
Note: The hustle culture makes it easy to forget that input doesn't match output. The idea of meritocracy is not and will never be.
2018-04-20
Conquer without struggle and you will succeed without glory —Corneille
Note: Alternatively, there doesn't seem to be that many meaningful successes without struggle of some sort.
2018-03-08
Find a thing, get good at it, get paid for it - and only then, focus on your passion —Robbie
Note: Passion and career are two different things. I was raised told that I should do whatever I feel passionate about so the time passes faster. Being good enough at something is a mean, not an end. Seing how everyone is confused by their relationship to work is strong confirmation of this statement.
2017-09-14
For me, letting go actually translated into getting control - The law of the universe at play. —Thomas
Note: I always seem to get the opposite of what I want or expect. So much that I now use the law of the universe to intuit the opposite of my intuition and deal with its potential.
2017-06-02
Oh dear, I really ought to do something. But I'm already in my pyjamas. —My roommate in the Tenderloin
Note: Energy is limited. So is our time, attention, and capacity to care. Our sanity sometimes relies on resource allocation or the awareness of the impossibility of it.
2017-05-11
It’s when you look for meaning that you get confused. —C. Bukowski
Note: Perhaps I'm doing something wrong here...
2017-04-25
Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know —Pema Chödrön
Note: I know that something will later make sense on an emotional level. It usually is a subconscious process that crystalizes in a ah-ah moment during a conversation.
2017-04-15
Design should be like vanilla ice cream: simple and sweet, plain without being austere. —Franc Chimero
Note: The minimalist trends almost always fade away. Nothing stays simple if worked long enough.
2017-03-12
You can’t make someone act right but you can make him wish he did —A lady that lives on a boat docked in Sausalito
Note: Living life according to your value is the most effective way to change others around you. Lead by example rather than fall into rethoric.
2017-01-14
If you can't tell if this is terrible or great. That’s probably a sign you shouldn’t do it. —Repeated by Romain
Note: Not doing is very often the best thing to actually do. "
2016-12-03
True Elegance is knowing what to say and when to say it —Heard in a Nob Hill restaurant
Note: I blab. It will be a lifelong journey to balance being a good listener and finding the words. Oh, and patience.
2016-12-01
If traveling was free, you'd never see me again —Anthony, Startup employee
Note: I heard too many people say that they wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they got rich or the chance to retire early. Beyond traveling, I would certainly not have this issue. I'm interested in too many things to not know what to do beyond capital producing work.
2016-11-08
I do it for the memories. —Sasha in SoMa
Note: The why of certain action should be considered beyond rational and pragmatic thought.
2016-11-08
The more you know, the less you need —A design book I flipped through
Note: Strange words to retain from a book. The inverse relationship between knowldge and consumption is hard visceraly accept.
2016-11-26
I learn everyday to allow the space between where I want to be and where I am to inspire me and not terrify me. —Ichika while visiting SF MoMa
Note: People say oddly inspiring things while looking at art.
2016-11-12
It's okay to love something a little too much, as long as it's real to you —Jeffrey Ismael
Note: Reminded me of Bukowski without the usual booze or self destruction reference. Also we don't all share the same definition of reality. Even within ourselves, the two emispheres of our brains index things differently. Both are okay, they just need to be corretly labelled.
2016-11-05
It's nice to know that everyone else is a mess as well —A guy a met in Party in Nob Hill
Note: Random encouters are important to create impressions that will last forver in your mind. That's the only thing he said to me. This guy seemed totally normal.
2016-11-03
Sometimes you are so far behind, you'd think you are first —Mimosa dean
Note: I'm not interested in things that everyone seeks. It sometimes gives me a feeling of superiority but it's moslty alienating. When people talk about things as a race, it's often not a good sign. The good is an infinite game. Then you die.
2016-10-22
Be nice.
Be useful.
Bring wine.
—My chinese roommate
Note: I don't drink. I'm particularly nice. But I like to be useful. Social constructs are deeply anchored and there is little to be gained by trying to break them publicaly. Going with the flow sometimes make sense.
2016-10-12
The next big thing will be a lot of small things. —A wall in Mission District
Note: Decentralization has been and will be a big topic, forever. The appeal of centralization makes to much sense in a capitalist world. Yet we all know that ethics is local.
2016-10-06
You don’t get to decide the truth. Life is big—much bigger than just yours. —Franck Chimero
Note: There is very few truths. Even fewer that I truly know or understand. Being at peace with our lack of understanding of ourselves is crucial.
Notes - October 25
6 AM on a nearby pedestrian path, a homeless man gets off his bike, sniffles as he holds the bike up and moves toward a construction fence. He then vigorously throws the bike over the fence while screaming: “I’m so tired of Elon fucking me in the ass all night.” I witnessed this, too closely, during my early morning walk trying to escape “the world.”
I feel like a joke reading indie blogs on my shiny new iPhone. Half of the societal issues discussed are growth/econ related and the rest is cloud of mental health concerns ranging from loneliness to moral breakdown. All seem to be in some ways connected to the piece of hardware in my hands.
I’m now writing a lot more in the first person. It feels more honest and less pedantic. That said the “I” feels more and more loosely defined as I write. Although it goes against my parents education who often told me: “don’t talk about yourself”.
As a 90s French kid, the name Claude will never rhyme with super intelligent AI, nor with Debussy and Monet. Claude is a middle age neglected guy who reads the local newspaper while drinking an espresso and smoking cigarettes.
Parenting this month: I feel like a bird in a storm. Ugly crow or the brightest dove, it doesn’t matter.
I found much mercy in strangers eyes as I take my earplugs off to answer.
2 opposite long term health strategies seem common.
Older folks and most women seems believe than stretching their health capital by reducing burn is the most rational approach.
Younger and mostly men try to elevate their health hoping to get further by starting from a higher point. That’s the performance gospel, where gear and fine metrics make believe health and very long term outcomes are quantifiable.
Eventually both curves cross paths. One strategy is not an actual long term one. Gyms are odd places I can’t quite apprehend. I equally empathize with critics of joggers. The things we put our bodies through hoping to live longer are all so absurd. Which gives a lot of weight to the preservation strategy. One can’t defeat decay, but slow down is possible. At some point don’t we all get there?
9th winter in Coastal California: Shorts and sneakers or pants and sandals.
Some people have a dog to get them out of the house. I have a job to keep me in the house.
“if we continue to fail gracefully, perhaps we can make a positive impact in the future, and the chimera will transubstantiate into reality” Nicola Boullosa
The most interesting part of life is the one escaping concepts. That’s why I love Alan Watts and Ram Dass. And why I’m not thrilled spending most of my daily verbal quota talking about logistic or family gossip.
In a recent conversation, J mentioned that he is okay working from Japan, “vampire schedule” as he call it. Because popping in a konbini at 3am in the middle of Tokyo’s concert jungle and walking the streets at night is where he wants to be. “It’s a vibe thing” he closed on. I wholeheartedly agree that it’s worth great sacrifice to vibe with a place. For me it’s beyond a sense of belonging or a welcoming place, it’s ease being there in the moment with what I physically perceive.
I loved being a total alien in Tokyo. My current location provides everything I need. But it doesn’t hit that spot on that other level. I guess I can say I’m not vibing with it.
“Take a deep freaking breath dude” said a mom, aggressively while starring her toddler down.
I’ve had earplugs on for about 4 hours every day this month. I wear them all night already. It intuitively gets me more aware of internal processes. When immobile I feel my heart beats and hear most breaths.
I’ve been resuming meditation-esque stuff. Mostly attention training.
“For all it’s conveniences the modern age has left us on edge, unfulfilled”
Paraphrasing/decyphering Sam Harris distilling Sartre: the self is induced by being around other people. Thus without others there would be no reference point to shape a sense of identity. While this nicely supports the importance of personal identity as a social mechanism it leaves little hope to kill the ego as long as one is around civilization? This supports my “into the wild” - let’s move to Maine fantasies!
A remark from James Low about the choreography around spiritual masters, reinforcing their status and leaving them untouched and untouchable made me think of a similar point by Ram Dass. It’s easy(ier) to make grand claim about taking it all in when in such a position. Meanwhile we are all drowning in notifications, responsibilities, chores…
In the same talk he evokes how all the Tibetan lineages all come from secluded valleys. Time, isolation, and the remarkable toughness of the living condition primed those communities to build resilience leading to an incredible awareness of their minds. Something we, in the comfy west, are far from. We are the product of our environment, I hold this as a fundamental truth. Thus there is no way to meditate (or any other practice) myself to a state of “enlightenment” in such environment. At least if we keep the Tibetan Lamas as references. Hearing Sam Harris probing and describing his experience of spiritual seeker seems to consistently hammer this…
Every time I shave, the fresh air on my face and the extra youth credits spring the desire of more regular shindig. Every other days, become once a week, then 2 weeks and then gives up the idea. I don’t shave. I’ve never had this part of my identity.
I’m acceptably neglected when it comes to hair. Looking rough is very likely the counterpart of actually being fairly soft and physically unremarkable creature. I’m a skinny computer worker. There is absolutely no utility beyond style.
The beard is not part of my identity either. I don’t groom it. People who do weird me out. Like well manicured front yards, it looks jarring to me. If I had a front yard (which I often dream of) it would be wild.
Beard as social camouflage?
Unsurprisingly less work, especially side projects didn’t reduce anxiety, but it changed its nature. A worthy shift toward a familiar existentialism. I mostly noted it in my interactions with my wife. Poor soul got a barrage of attempts at voicing moral conundrums from guzzling Alan Watts archives.
The countless « voice to notes app » are making me smile. The voice to text technology is good, no doubt. The loss of the friction of typing, that extra effort creates a space ( arguably already rather small) for thinking. I frequently note to myself that not every thought needs to manifest. AI tech goes exactly against the mental discipline of leaving my thoughts go by.
Verbalizing stress is the main source of friction in my household.
“At sea without a paddle” is how I’m feeling when meditating. I surely fall into the description of what a beginner practice likely feels like: “at first you may be so scattered that you are trying to identify what is a thought, trying hard to focus”
I’m seduced by Dzogchen which see self improvement effort as rather pointless, suggesting instead to observe how all things come and go. It’s not only poetic but, to me, easier to contextualize.
I might have mistaken bad memory and carelessness for something rather positive. A sort of intuitive awareness that certain concepts are artificial and thus should not be taken seriously. My words and the primarily pragmatic context of modern life have left me sounding like a selfish and passive nihilist. I can and will find sharper images but the persistence and variants of this feeling I’m now grateful for.
I will lose myself 1000 times into lust, greed, doubt, fear, anxiety, anger etc and 1001 times I will awaken and get up and I won’t waste time on guilt and shame. I’ll just get on with it. That’s the secret of the whole game (Ram Dass) - that seems to be very commonly agreed by GenXers.
My thirties are about little victories and avoiding pitfalls.
I didn’t do much today but at least I didn’t break anything.
I’m amazed by how lost in thoughts I am. Despite this, here I am. If I extend this to most people, I can agree that the world at large is rather harmonious. At the same time, that also screams that there is a lot of room for improvement. Whether a this leads to gratitude or pity or whatever witty observation has little much weight but much humor. Most meditation content is fun noise in my earbuds. Good stuff, healthy vibrations perhaps. Noise nonetheless.
Every blip of awareness feels like this kind of thought experiment. I’m definitely missing the point. Sometimes humorously. Sometimes pathetically.
“I have uttered nonsense from the bathtub to the bathtub” - some zen master quoted by Alan Watts. It’s not only a beautifully absurd bit but having this stuck in my head while arguing about minutiae of modern household logistics is so perfectly infuriating, fantastic.
Got the flue shot and covid vaccine on a Saturday. The tiny one couldn’t sit still while filling the paperwork and waiting for the pharmacist. The lady saw that I was struggling and hurried. She stabbed me hard.
The night after the shots was long and laborious. Woke up and 3 and couldn’t cool down. Great meditation tho, lots of bodily sensations to observe.
What appeared as unacceptable neglect before having kids, now is empathetically understood and half forgiven.
After dropping my new iPhone 17 a few times and reading about the necessity of grips, I got a pop socket. I don’t pop it but the ridges add dimensions my fingers can hold on to. It’s fit well with my campaign of making the phone as unappealing as possible..
The narrow container of my website is just like me, lanky. Its simplicity is the byproduct of my lack of grand vision, and skills. I managed to channel my insecurities into my work and do something of it.
As a user, it’s very hard to refrain to critique apple Liquid Glass. That toggle animation is so upsettingly maximalist… amongst many others.
“I’d rather sleep in my car in California than have a dingy place of my own in Milwaukee” - a guy in line at my local grocery store.
Ahtoh called his website a retreat. I love that. My recent work on my own certainly follows that ethos. I’m turning a scrappy warehouse into a space for mindfulness — not with precise intent but by taking the time to look at things as they are and often trim a bunch.
Too pretentious to be a headline but rings true: My formula is doing the work, cultivating autonomy.
A large part of my writing on this blog is an attempt at sparing my wife. Thus if I had as much empathy for everyone I’d likely close shop.
My bikes
As an archive of my /bikes page.
Specialized Roubaix SL4 Sport (2017)
"Third life crisis"
2024– (not tracking mileage)
A serendipitous purchase from a neighbor. Very fast, very fun. Perhaps what I needed but I had the wisdom to ground that bird before I did anything dumb. I got a few good local 1-3h rides to get a taste of what carbon feels like. For now it will be my zone 2 garage workout machine. Quite luxurious.
Tern HSD S11 (Gen 1)
"Fat fly"
2021– (10,000+ mi)
We got this one from a local shop in Berkeley for about $4000. We debated it but the wife made a case for it. We both love it. She even went to all of her pregnancy appointments on it. Check-in at 3000 mi went well, only the chain and brake pads needed replacement... which is apparently impressive considering that we lived on a hill. The thing is heavy but I like to ride it without assistance just for a bit of cardio. I rarely need to go beyond the second level of assistance since we moved to a flatter area. Easy to maneuver and lift. The rack is a bit awkward with the baby sitting very close to the saddle. It's clearly a poor person's GSD - Still, I like it, and the little one likes it too.
Giant Talon 1
"Fat fly"
2021–2024 / sold (~2500 mi)
I switched back to MTB craving for lower gear and a more upright posture. Original square taper cranks were super creaky but aside of that, I can't complan for a $900 bike. I upgrade the crank and made a few ergonomic adjustements. The quick release seatpost is great, I got in the habit of changing the height. I appreciate the modesty in SLO where everyone rides some big brand carbon full-suspension machine. I've done more groceries and sanity check rides than actual trails with it so far.
Tern Link C8
"Petit Rouge"
2020-2022 / sold (~2000 mi)
I fantasized about getting folding bikes for a long time and finally got this one from REI after getting my MTB stolen. It was nice to be able to share a bike. It matched expectations, fine but not a fun bike. The geometry worked decently well for me. I was able to get 30ish miles in one go (rarely tho). Certainly not geared for loaded climbs. Frequent brake pads were necessary. The anti theft axles were really weird, glad I never needed to change a tire. Lots of groceries and quick rides in the hills. We even went on vacation to Larkspur with it.
Surly Straggler
"Baby Goat"
2020-2021 / sold (~3200 mi)
My pandemic bike. I wanted to get back on the saddle and got this one in a shop in Alameda. I was appealed by the gravel potential and the nimbler riding style. The transition was rough, I was expecting too much. That thing is heavy and not geared for long hill climbs. Living on top of the Berkeley hills and doing groceries with a heavy backpack took a toll and I should have considered this. maintenance was a breeze. The mechanical brakes were great and the bumpiness was super (type-2) fun. I miss it.
Surly Straggler
"Bikepacking fantasies"
2019-2020 / Stolen (~1800 mi)
I discovered Bikepacking and got into a riding trail in the Dublin hills. I discovered goat heads and hated it in the beginning. The Crank was creaky since day 1 but got used to the different kinds of riding. I used it for everything: groceries, technical uphill in the Pleasanton ridge, long road excursions in Marin and quick rides back in Berkeley. Until I got it stolen.
Specialized Allez Elite 2017
"Real bike"
2017-2019 / Sold (~3000 mi)
I explored Berkeley and the bay on this one. Did a lot of grocery shopping. Learned to change a tire and fix things on the bike. The chain broke once because of leaning it against another bike in the Train. This thing was fast, I loved most of the time I spent on it. It was my first real bike with all the good that comes with a first experience. I got close to crashing a few times but never had major incidents.
Digital pruning
After 13 years of owning a website it’s time for some pruning. Pages have come and go, stayed, listed, unlisted. Many design iterations, about 120 by now.
I thought having a website was a sink in which I could let my creative ego flow. It turns out this image was wrong. It is the faucet as much as the sink. Too much time is spent tinkering in this. I poopoo people playing video games or watching sport, it’s the same, a blatant, wannabe virtuous distraction I can’t forego while being a father. I’m in a different stage of life. No fixed header and quirky UI bits.
I thought I was cleverly escaping the hype wave and playing a tiny role, being on the internet by having my modest property.
It’s been a fantastic tool to refine my creative persona. I juiced it well. I still recommend it to Junior and those who haven’t tried having their own website. It’s a great way to unplug for social media. It is like building you own house. Not as fancy but much better bond.
I’ve written increasingly personal stuff. Aside I store files, mostly image: designs, photos, old artifacts, inspiration. I don’t have an CMS or backend of any sort. I upload directly via FTP, straight to prod, yolo.
Being surrounded by typescript masters and app devs makes me want to dumb down my website stack even further. React is cool but I’m really not supporting the use to build websites. I get it for apps but I cannot believe the amount of tech it takes to render a bit of html and css. I blame the design engineers who flooded the showcases. Web won the fight. A browser is a browser. It’s the original cross platform tech.
I’m ditching jQuery. Maybe not even any javascript? Php stays.
3.5 pages: home (+now) - stuff - words.
At the speed of thought
Frictionless convenience claims irritate me. The importance of self-inflicted struggle has been pivotal in my life. Manual, tedious effort trains my mind and body—or at least builds discipline and lowers expectations. It’s the only way I’ve grown. Not much has happened by way of teaching since my last school exam. A lot of stuff got in but never truly went anywhere. Perhaps that’s how stupid I am. That’s why I believe in the superiority of experience over conceptual learning.
That’s also why I resist automation. Not because it reduces the value of my efforts. If something can replace me, please do. I’ll gladly go do something else. But some skills I want to keep alive even if inefficient. Autonomy is part of my identity. If it constrains my capacity, I evaluate compromises carefully. Cooking, writing, cleaning, maintaining, designing, etc. Don’t get me wrong I’m the beneficiary of many automated processes, not Epictitus naked in his barrel. Personal autonomy is relative. But standards are low these days.
My rituals are unintentional, thus intuitive. I’m tall and skinny; I feel like running. I’ve built Legos and drawn my whole life; I can make stuff up on demand. I never went to restaurants as a kid, I still dislike the experience; so I cook every day. Same for gyms, I just move all the time because I can’t sit for long. All that takes an ungodly amount of time and most of my energy, intuitively so. Most of those activities are finite and rewarding. Like a Lego or cleaning the living room: when it’s done, it’s done. So goes the day. Sore feet are normal after 6pm.
The stuff laying around trips me up. Tools are fun. Hype aside, some are genuinely paired with my creativity. The recent AI ones boast a paradigm shift in creative tooling. I haven’t felt it. They take over too much of the process. So far they set rules to a game that should be open-ended, instinct-led, and laborious. My creative process never starts with “a prompt.” The start is always a vague mental image which will need an unknown context to unfold—if I even want to chase it, which most of the time I don’t. Good tools don’t beg to be used. To that extent, spoons remain above web browsers.
“Working at the speed of thought” is a terrifying proposition. I’ve read versions of it out there and got pissed every time. Mostly because I’m trying so hard to slow myself down, starting with my legs. I’ve seen what happens when I move too fast. I think about it every time I step on my double-fractured big toe. That’s what I got going at the speed of thought. When I look around I can sense that there a bunch of idiots like me running on broken toes.
On gadgets
Clipped in on my carbon road bike, I escaped after putting my son down for his nap. Earplugs have been on for a few hours. Now paired with the helmet and wraparound sunglasses for the full sporty-techno-bozo look. On my wrist, a freshly unboxed, camping-mug-sized sports watch. It’s absurdly big yet surprisingly comfortable. More like a stiff sleeve than a watch. No carpal pressure to report. Well done, Coros.
After a few minutes fiddling with the UI and a firmware update, I’m out for my second solo ride since baby #2. The saddle and aero position barely override the fun of speed.
A young lady running stops by as I’m stretching my sore butt 5 miles in. She told me she was running to the beach as her activity of the day. I told her I was escaping my family for a joy ride. We joke about how inevitable headwind is today before getting back into it. She gave me mild forest Gump vibes. No music, no water, on the footage road, next to the freeway. My people fun.
Even with earplugs, the freeway below and the wind were unpleasant. I’m torn. I went out just because I have a bike and wanted to test out the watch, not because I deeply wanted it. I’m back in the garage at the before the hour mark, to conserve some leg power. The data and my internal resources management inform me that I still have about 3000+ steps to go today. The pulsing in my legs confirms. The watch says it wasn’t much of a workout.
I spent a while browsing the quirky watch faces. The fit keeps surprising me, it just works. The silicon band doesn’t pull my hair or slip. The dark grey plastic slab looks goofy on my thin wrist. The screen has the resolution of a gameboy. Specks of food don’t show. It’s silly. So am I. Maybe that’s why it fits.
Maybe I’m a huge bozo – and need to do something about after this sign.
Lots of new gadgets lately. All in quiet contradiction with what I read and believe. So many fancy things around, the result of money and trying to enjoy it while holding the parental fort. The care and space needed for each new thing quickly nulls the value add. Returns happen. Then the hedonic treadmill resumes. Guilt and shame accumulate, not enough to stop the wheel.
My current early morning regimen supposed to rebuild off-screen stamina is not doing much aside of delaying the dope. News slips through the cracks of my discipline. When blips of silence occur, the message is clear: nice, but heck that can’t be it.
My youngest is a ball of joy that too often has to compete with screens. He is in his prime –every man’s prime– 9 to 18 months old, pure joy and tumbling with curiosity. Becoming sentient bite after bite… But I want to be present for my own sake. I haven’t created an environment where I can balance screens/physical life. There is always a big 75-25 bias. Not that I can’t cram 10,000 steps into that 25% or perform my parental duties.
I’m definitely returning the Coros. It’s a great watch. Everything is great. What a time to admire gadgets. But I’d rather see life as art than as sport. I’m no Rich Roll rocking a mala and triathlon gear. No Manu on a mountain. No Craig Mod walking himself clean. I love them all, but they’re outliers.
My eyes see gadgets as gateways to new lifestyles. My wife sees percentage points of quality of life improvements. None of that is wrong but I know there is more to it. The attention each object demands, the setup, the care, the mental slot it occupies, is a tax on presence. Everyone has their thing now. Gear, hobby, “jam” — different words for the same impulse. Varying degrees of honesty.
I can’t pretend I’m above it. I’ve been conditioned. Maybe that’s the game I’m really playing: learning to notice when I’m the gadget.
Notes - September 25
Most days I woke at 5:30 and loaded a backpack with random heavy objects. Over time that earned me some grief from my wife, who was tired of my disregard for potential bag failure. We had several debates about the structural integrity of rice sacks.
One morning a man passed us on what looked like a stolen bike, wearing a “Department of Corrections” orange suit. My wife was convinced he was an escaped prisoner from the nearby men’s colony. I thought that was absurd. In an age of iPhones and drones, how could that possibly happen? We argued, then dropped it.
A few days later I found the suit in a bush. The tag said it was from the Halloween shop down the road.
This is marriage.
Waiting to cross, 3 dusty semi trucks pass a few feet from us. The fried garlic smell from the Panda Express behind us was so strong I didn’t feel the trucks.
My wife buys stuff from Costco we end up struggling to finish, or return. The argument about it and passive aggressive vibes are not fun, but the worse is having to stare at the thing for an extended period of time. This month it’s been terrible Belgian waffle and I toaster oven. This kind of first world problem is what erode my faith in my ability to keep it together long term. I’m lobbying aggressively against Costco in my household. The value argument is unbeatable. A tough fight against a tired mother whose Costco membership is a pillar of her perceived survival.
My buddy Micheal has been looking for a job. He is not the only one to navigate this odd job market.
He and a lot of classically trained graphic designers have something AI will never have: taste. Some of us love to make things and it’s a shame to see unhealthy staffing practices creep up. There is a lot to design that needs human touch.
Just scroll your LinkedIn feed and you’ll obviously know what I’m talking about. The AI is obvious and most of the time, jarring. We need more designers to wrangle it, not less.
I wore a Stanford football hat for years. People often asked if I went to Stanford, or if I still played. I had to clarify: I bought it at a department store in San Francisco, never played football, never went to college.
In 2017 I spent a month wearing a Mercedes Benz cap a friend gave me at a party. Someone asked what model I drove. I didn’t even have a license.
To avoid hat-related commentary, I tried sticking to plain, generic hats. That only got me more: “Hey! Nice hat!”—from people wearing the exact same one.
These days I wear a beat-up military surplus hat. A few men have asked which base I was stationed at. I explained that I work from home for a tech company. “Ohhh, computer stuff,” one said, surprised.
Many times in grocery stores I said out loud: « that’s not a great looking vegetable, but I shouldn’t say anything, I’ve grown very little edible things and none of them looked or tasted good ».
All the men working in a nearby construction site are way over 50 years old, even the hispanic ones. There’s always someone that wants to say hi to us as we stare at the ballet of tractors. Today it’s a guy jokingly saying that I my son should consider a career as heavy equipment operator. It’s not even the first time I hear this. “We’re all gonna be gone soon, they can’t replace us with a computer unfortunately” - that last piece, I never heard before IRL.
Going downhill on a steep trail while carrying my tired and cranky toddler, I’m babbling trying to distract us. A guy hiking up enthusiastically shouts at us: “Damn dawg! Dad of the year! This one’s a bruiser!”. I rode this vibe all the way down, kiddo loved it too.
My wife doesn’t want to hear the term “damn” because it is not socially acceptable in our (assumably Christian) countryside. We’ve successfully overwritten it with “dang”. It did so for myself too which sounds more disrespectful IMO.
For me, fatigue act as a social lubricant
Another sunset over a dusty construction site. A great image of my 10 years in California. Almost perfect. There’s always something in the foreground that messes the picture. When it’s not work thoughts blocking the sensor.
Just like that limitless drug, I like to think THC hits me hard because I’m such a crank.
As I answer a few messages after hours to get them out of my mind, I’m reminded of my 1 year old at the beach rubbing his eyes with his hands full of sand.
Jitter.video is really neat.
While debating the merits of the theory of Karma, my wife said that its weird basis is very compatible with my worldview — a hodgepodge of wack theories about the Universe.
Spot on. I think that also describes very well all the holy books. Base on this great analysis, my version is a weirdo pagan mix with many little deities and contexts.
After a month rich on experimentation fails, I now see what all moderate Marijuana enthusiasts mean by “get high on your own supply, it’s more sustainable”.
In 5min we went from an innocent question “would we go more places if we had a nicer car?” to “nah let’s just buy the neighbors bike trailer”
A poorly groomed young man with a baby in the cart gets in line with a lot of stuff. The clerk at the register is an equally rough looking lady, much older. She seems to recognize him, not in a friendly way. I know her, she is not to anyone.
She told him that he was supposed to bag his stuff. She did it as he was on his phone. He asked for her name and said she was rude before leaving with a passive aggressive smile.
I just realized the guy was an instacart shopper. That explains the friction.
It was no one’s fault but Tech. The people that have to resort to “work” for instacart and those who have to deal with them have little responsibility.
When the lady asked me if she sounded rude I told her that she did better than I would not have done better than her. She looked unfazed. She clearly had, and has bigger challenges in her life. She only smiled when I told her than giving up getting my own groceries was too much loss of autonomy for my taste. « I guess it make sense for working moms » she said.
The costs, benefits, and nature of these gig services are skewed by marketing it is impossible to make sense of it. Because it makes no sense.
I need to change phone but I don’t want to.
My company paid for it. So now I have to deal with a snappy bubbly, glassy mess.
Finding a case is an agony too.
My buddy M has been looking for a job. He is not the only one to navigate this odd job market.
He and a lot of classically trained graphic designers have something AI will never have: taste. Some of us love to make things and it’s a shame to see unhealthy staffing practices creep up. There is a lot to design that needs human touch.
Just scroll your any social feed and you’ll obviously know what I’m talking about. The AI is obvious and most of the time, jarring. We need more designers to wrangle it, not less.
I iced sore and tight muscles properly for the first time.
I hate my stupid Fitbit charge 5 but I appreciate how simple it is compared to literally all the other options. It’s so ugly and ergonomically awful, it’s the software that and overall durability that keeps me.
I hear that every wearables nowadays are swindling user into a subscription. That make sense considering the volume of data, there’s a bill to pay. My crappy Fitbit has one too but the free satisfy my needs. I guess Google can afford to bankroll a free tier, at least for now.
I just want a step count, time asleep and resting heart rate. Accuracy doesn’t matter. I use the datapoints to check my own assessment. Most of the time it matches. I know when I’m tired, I just need a gadget to confirm. Meanwhile I don’t want to be tempted by a fancy watch face while sitting on the toilet.
Over the last decade I’ve been open to all things “mindfulness”. I’m a fidgety monkey, pure meditation or yoga didn’t cut it for me. It took me a while to stall away as the niche became mainstream.
Most traditions have some kind of hand fixation—something to fidget with—as a nod to the mind-body link. I wanted my own version: not tacky, not religious. I tried various “totems.” Nothing stuck. Except beads.
That’s how I found aroundsquare, a niche company selling (among other things) a titanium bead bracelet inspired by traditional mala. A modern take. Meant to be handled, or “played with,” as they call it.
I’m not a fan of their overall art direction, but the material quality and simplicity are undeniably appealing. Years ago I went cheap and bought a wooden version. Liked it so much I spun up my own version: presence.supply. Turns out there are plenty of monkeys out there who also want fancy metal to keep their hands busy.
The other day my youngest lost my original bracelet at the beach. He was holding it while napping in the carrier. I was on my phone. The tide took it.
Titanium is hard to machine, good rope non-trivial to source. I’m tempted to reboot the project, but it feels wrong. Someone’s already doing it, and doing it extremely well. So I paid for the fancy titanium one from aroundsquare.
The texture of a blasted 10mm titanium MK Ultra is delightful: perfectly weighted, neatly understated. I’m forming a connection with these things. I never thought I’d care about this type of stuff. I’m mildly ashamed. It captures my twitchy fingers and doubles as an excellent baby toy.
Brevity and me rarely sit at the same table.
I read N short essays regularly. I smell the influence of Tech: short, inquisitive and inspirational tone. Tech elites shoving their techno optimism under pretentious prose written for LinkedIn. But of course some of it is relatable. I’m torn between form and substance. Ultimately the medium is the message, and I’m grossed out.
LinkedIn is one of these places where I’d prefer not to be but has made itself mandatory to any tech worker. Or maybe I’m not bold enough to delete my account.
The look on my kids face when I asked if they’re OK while in the middle of traffic, on the bike, at the red light is the same as the one on my face when my wife asked me if I’m OK at 5 PM.
I once shat on Real estate, swore to never own a house and fall for the ownership vanity. I now own a house and worked for a prop tech company.
I once shat on react because it was over engineered for web design (to a certain extent I still do). Now I work for a react framework company.
I have read a few people hammering a basic fact that most seem to have forgotten:
«LLMs are still just generating statistically plausible output given a particular input, without regard for understanding what’s underneath» - AI won’t «just work».
I can’t imagine AI, or any technology, making anyone work less or better. It will just be different.
When you finally get out of your head, it’s a bit disconcerting. So much so that it makes you want to milk life for some more drama.” (Ram Dass)
I felt exactly that after a hectic month. Overstimulated, I lost a lot of focus in front of the screen milking the new/fun job dopamine. I confused fatigue for loss of interest. AI, politics, random BS… digital fatigue is building up.
My wife shared an old journal entry—something she very rarely does. The depth, volume, and prose were an immediate reminder of how much of a bozo I am. Again: the medium is the message. This blog, however polished or half-suppressed, is still just a blog. A faint attempt at connection, tossing things into the void.
The tangents are many. Hobbies, rabbit holes, ideas. I know too many people interested in too many things. My wife’s remarks the luxury it is to be able to dabble. She also knows the frustration and accumulation. So do I. When thinking about I’m mostly left with an uncomfortable blur. Waste of time, resources, not much appreciation and bummed for seemingly inevitable upcoming similar attempts. Writing and design project are on top of that list for me.
I wonder how much of my fatigue comes from this generalized enthusiasm—probably a lot, and inversely, it yields very little insight. I’m not only in the world; I’m of it. Blogging, and writing in general, seems to be the catalyst for conceptualization, carried along by the pressure that “you gotta make something.”
So maybe an undetermined hiatus is what I need to restore a quiet inner life.
Notes - August 25
Craig Mod used the expression « feeling waterboarded by reality » as he talks about not getting enough sleep and loneliness. I instantly fell in love with this expression which I have let reverberate in my mind as I struggle lately.
« Everything is exactly how it needs to be » is a thought experiment I’ve been toying around a lot with, quite pleasantly.
My wife’s is annoyed by the dogmatic appeal of this kind of thought experiment. We’ve argued in the past about my personal take on karma — a bastardized view where everything evens out at the cosmic scale (the contentious point was the unit of measurement or good/bad). The beauty is the convenient modulation between empowerment to take charge of one’s fate, or release from any responsibility. Fun, in its way.
A man stopped me to point out a giant plume of smoke in the distance. In an enthusiastic and slightly frightened voice he said this was a volcano. I’m no expert but it seemed highly unlikely, but on the moment I nodded and google when the last local volcanic activity dated. Turns out it was a wildfire. I had to wait for the amber alert as the institutional websites not responding.
The tall, fast rising plume did look volcano like. The wind blew inland, protecting us from the smoke. Odd to be in a park surrounded with kid and neighbors frolicking while a hellish cloud is looming in the distance.
Quite a few people approached me suspiciously and ended up saying: “sorry I didn’t see the baby.” Mostly because I was trespassing on private property while my baby boy was digging in dirt, sampling flowers, and other things catching his eye.
Lots of breathing exercises this month. So many weird things tried, none very rigorously. My abdominal wall is getting some serious stretching and my diaphragm is often feel sore.
As I’m focusing oon my abdomen going up and down, my mind felt like an annoying neighbor upstairs.
Animism is a funny idea. I love how science generally agrees that belief in a higher power is a healthy mental trait, yet at the same time denies any rational basis for it.
I put the Fitbit back on hoping to establish a healthy breaks cadence as I enthusiastically started a new job. I took it off after 5 days as I was frantically trying to see how far I could push it. I got to 21,000 steps before realizing how dumb I am. My calves were throbbing in bed.
My wife told me of how orthosomnia is becoming a thing because of wearables… I appalled to be part of this group.
I get to ingest more high quality food than most people on earth. Meanwhile I keep and enjoy little of it due to stress or anxiety induced hyperactivity; what my mom refers to as « the nerves ». I hope I don’t die like this. I forecast fixing this become a growing priority until it is the last thing I’ll work on.
Of all the powers, chilling out on demand would be my request to the big guy. That oddly matches the definition of enlightenment. I doubt breathing right will get me very far, but if it can open the door, I’ll keep at it.
The left side of my neck started cracking.
Yoda, gizmo, and I, have ear fuzz in common. I trimmed it for the first time ever after a lions mane life thing growing in my ear hole. Maybe a hallmark of aging or neglect, I don’t know, nor cares. I merely enjoy the experience of this aging furry vessel.
This month, on « erogneous waste » tracklist:
- Drool storm, slob fest
- Milk drunk
- Strawberry slaughterhouse
- Adult tantrum
How you do anything is how you do everything. Be a present dad, partner. Write clearly. Train hard. Make honestly. Cultivate stillness. Listen. Assume you don't know. Do what you said you were going to do.
Jacob Medure’s principles felt lofty and pretentious at first; although I emulate similar vibes on my own site. The imperative tone threw me off. Don’t tell me what to do, Jacob. Still, they’re honorable suggestions. Ultimately I’d stick to the first one. It reads like Zen philosophy — presence restores intention, everything after is contextual reframing. However I feel about Jacob (who I don’t know), I like the invitation. I love hearing what drives people. Sometimes I forget we all need these mind games to keep going.
Netigen has a strong one:
Don’t expect grand pronouncements or universal truths, just the quiet reflections of a nobody—me
I have been offered to join 3 clubs/group activities in the span of 3 weeks. I’m not a club guy. Although I like the activities, I get much less enjoyment doing it in a group setting. I always have a hard time rejecting the offer. Everyone is very nice about it. It’s the residual feeling of refusing something universally appreciated that erodes my sanity.
J: “It’s my last five years in tech.”
N: “You think AI will replace you that fast?”
J: “Nah, I just hate it. I can’t take it much longer.”
The strange feeling of having your act together.
On a mellow Friday, no meetings, usual family schedule, no outside interactions… Until 4pm when I had a dozen in the span of an hour: very unpleasant for introverted me.
The shy kid inside is very proud of my ability to be performatively social. My soul is disgusted by such performance.
The bulk of my 2 year old calories this month came from fruits and yogurt
As I was telling my experience at Opendoor, joining as employee 70-ish and leaving post IPO, a colleague replied: « Oh wow! You must not need to work then!! »
I laughed very hard, my wife who handled our finances laughed even harder. I’m sure most of my Opendoor friends of the days would also get a good laugh too.
I spent a couple minutes observing roly-polies eating a compostable coffee cup in the middle of nowhere. Felt a sense of hope.
A local was talking to me about « snake safe spaces » and his description really reminded me of the indie web: « a small, loosely defined enclave where snake can do their weird snake things ».
I met a Norwegian local on the trail. We bonded over the fact that in order to raise outdoorsy people it take a lot of effort for the parent to take their kids out. Common sense for both of us countryside European kids. Not mainstream in California anymore as the trail was empty on this lovely Sunday morning. This is our church we both agreed.
Of you feel like it, pedal harder when you got wind in the back, but please, let yourself go downhill.
Overheard at the bike shop, some agreeably zen bike talk
What do I know about technology and autonomy (my favorite blabbing topics)? Me, armchair activist, overpaid tech worker, typing on my M3 MacBook Pro in my over engineered house, sipping on filtered water, connected to the world via a global network I barely understand. To a painful extent I’m a house cat (a common metaphor). Clueless about all the dependencies, seemingly ungrateful. Evaluating worthiness and virtue is a tough act many have attempted. Various frameworks exist. I’m most convinced by the convivial one. It’s all distracting noise and politics.
I just don’t like the feel of this life. Perhaps just like house cats who seem more or less regularly despise the ones who care for them. The only options for rebellious house cats is going astray… to end up under a car or some other miserable death.
In my recent reflection on how to reconcile awe for human invention with skepticism toward the market forces that drive it, I framed the contrast between infinite games like Zen and techno-futurism some of us engage in. A typically odd post of mine. I re-read it a few times and came out uncomfortable, I will leave it there.
The marine layer rolls in while smoke from a nearby wildfire looms. We’re caught between them, shielded by the coastal wind blowing inland. The fires are just beyond the ridge, but it would take rare conditions for them to reach the city. We’re lucky. Our little wind tunnel and its humidity keep the climate and air quality pristine year-round, if you can tolerate the gales.
I used to dread earthquakes and wildfires, insisting I’d never be foolish enough to buy a house in California’s more “interesting” places. How adorable. I’m living the American dream by way of self-delusion. A delusion
The forest is the poor man’s jacket
Swedish saying
Figma gives me REI vibes. Different industry but same demographic target. I want to see that collab series. I can also imagine similar critics of these openly very liberal highly profitable large companies.
I shop at REI regularly and use figma daily.
I had this thought as I overheard a group of local young fishing enthusiasts talking about Bass Pro Shop, BPS as they abbreviated… which to me seems like the red neck cousin of REI.
Toddlers are with zippers the same way my mother-in-law is with her smartphone: rough and clueless.
(Sandor Boros on why singlespeeding the Silk Road Mountain Race)
Why ride SRMR on a singlespeed?: Because gears are for chickens.
Why did you start singlespeeding?: Shifting is mentally exhausting.
Why do you love singlespeed?: My girlfriend says I deserve to suffer.
Excellent
Something like Christian faith is the highest delusion I jokingly wish upon myself on a regular basis.
My wife reported being less sensitive to others since becoming a mother. Of course I have the opposite experience. Being a dad, forced me out of my self centeredness, naturally.
I finally reached the stage where computer = work, and phone = life.
« in a world we’re god is dead and metaphysical propositions are pointless, we feel empty » Alan Watts
Watts’s thinking has be tickling me for years by now. I won’t invent myself a religious personality and my wife consistently beats my oriental fantasies. So I’m left to my own devices. So I’m left to my own devices: filling white space with Zen-inspired theories, slowly forming a worldview beyond pragmatic boundaries.
It is juicy and messy, and happening at all times. Bored at the park. Daydreaming on a walk but also between 2 tabs, or receding in my cranium as a baby screams my ears off.
Invariably I serve similar existential, self conscious, wannabe witty posts. That’s what you do when you’re not constrained by weather and finances (probably why California got its reputation). I catch myself describing a feeling or idea I know I’ve already tried to verbalize. Repetition is the process of reduction to absurdity.
I write as passive therapy, more like journaling than “proper” writing. Quality matters little. The hope is to reduce the need to write. My end goal is to kill this blog by (over?)feeding it.
It’s bizarre that people seem interested in staring at this pus-filled blog of mine.
Had a good chat with B. We bonded over orthosomnia and the friction that comes from colliding cognitive archetypes in a relationship. Plenty of overlap, but he introduced me to the idea of semantics as the counterpart to visual.
I mentioned it to my wife, who immediately reminded me that she majored in linguistics. This is basic stuff for her… another case of me being floored by something that’s common knowledge to anyone who actually reads.
Similar moments stuck with me: Harari’s theory about grains essentially domesticated us, not the other way around. Kahneman’s breakdown of left vs. right brain. And everything Alan Watts, I can’t believe it took me 30 years to get to (although very different from the first two).
I fit the modern stereotype of the modern man who doesn’t read. Blogs don’t count, nor anything else online. A sad but important acknowledgement, hopefully just a moment in life. It’s worth owning rather than quoting from a pretentious bookshelf on goodreads.
Agreeable observations from the past few months on work (from various authors)
- All work is care work
- I’m surrounded by someone’s best work
- Work implies rest and vice versa
- Focus doesn’t mean single tasking, it most often refer to an undistracted state
- Quality is very rare. Making good stuff is a great career axiom or business plan.
- What you do, intentionally or not tells who you are.
- Restraint requires discipline and is often a sign of maturity. Doing less is often harder.
Tangentially related: For the longest time, I’ve regarded fatigued as a hallmark of integrity. In others and myself. It’s finally loosing grip.
I agree with a disturbing right-wing principle: the press is corrupt and corrupting. It takes ungodly effort to parse and filter. But I also agree with the opposing perspective: it’s imperfect but worthy.
Sometimes I cut myself off from worldly news. The rest of the time I bop around, confidently confused.
I fill my working hours white space with small (mostly self-initiated) creative task to keep me energized. I’ve been doing this for my entire career. Initially because I couldn’t stay focused on one task. Nowadays it’s a creative survival mechanism to not succumb to distractions.
Scheduling fun time by putting it on my agenda is the best way to make sure it won’t be good fun. Although I under the necessity to “carve” time like we say these days. What a strange time to be alive.
About 3months ago I bumped my right knee on a hike. Going downhill, wacky toddler carrying, slipped. I healed the scratches expertly. But a dull pain persisted on the head of my tibia. Since I feel it only when I kneel I did not do anything about it. I
These days I’ve been fighting my youngest on the ground at every diaper change. The pain is still there, like a loving and nagging mindfulness reminder. I’m very (too?) confident there’s nothing to do about it, even if something is fissured, slightly cracked, or whatever. I had enough doctors give me nuclear option or nothing spiel. I took the nuclear option once already.
The hot days of summer are behind for my family and coworkers in Europe. It’s just getting started here in California. It’s an odd halfway compared to the southern hemisphere who is fully asynchronous. That makes me want to move to Australia, which makes my wife eyeroll badly as she reminds me of how sensitive I am to the sun. That doesn’t change that Australia looks like a beautiful place to live in.
Franck Chimero summer 2025 post moved me. Like many designers of my generation I read the Shape of design like a textbook. “The webs grain” is still one of my favorite blog post. Now that I’m also knee deep in a tech design career the relatability and prose hit differently. Good pain like calf stretch.
Grandma was playing some Chinese kids songs on YouTube while feeding my son breakfast. The videos were interrupted by 6 coinable ads. Nobody budged. Somehow this as completely normal. Needless to state how I feel about it.
Life is so filled with drama, it’s such thick and rich stuff. It’s infinitely milkable. - Ram Dass hitting me once again, hard, on the trainer sweating, escaping family life for a second, tuning into the mind’s internal drama. It’s the best part of my thirties so far.
I love the term « bozo ». I use it profusely.
Tuesday magic
My new job is great. It feels like playing a video game. Illustration work is my favorite. Work dopamine combined with a slight, unintentional buzz induced by a sketchy supplement from the sale bin put me in the zone. So much so that I sat way too long. My body still remembers vacation from last week. My body is still in vacation mode. My wife asks if she should expect me to go past 5 p.m. every day. Nothing in the office moves. Only I enter or leave. Creepy.
I rush out. My legs are asleep. I’m completely scattered. My right shoulder is stiff from screen time. I stroller-jog a clumsy mile before spotting a familiar homeless woman, crying and convulsing on the sidewalk.
My wife mentioned her over lunch as she is also rocking a buzz cut. She appreciated the pragmatism.
The woman barks at us as I approach awkwardly, cluelessly trying to be friendly. The tension in her rib cage and neck catches my eye. I’m also a skinny and angry primate with dramatic inclinations.
I jog around her. Pity hits as my playlist shuffles to Death cab for cuties. I wave back at a few neighbors walking their dogs. The streets are empty otherwise. Family dinner hour. It feels too early. I can’t resist hating on everything: dogs, dinner, barbecue, cars parked everywhere…
This dull brew of feelings, when looked at closely, has a magic I’m just starting to perceive. For once I don’t cringe at calling it that. It’s the flow of my existence: random, weird, mostly spontaneous. Stuff appears, and I don’t get to choose much of it, or how I feel about it.
This post was a Truman-show like experiment on myself to make sense of the mild drama of a Tuesday.
Infinite games
I’m surrounded by techno-optimists. People who, like a lot of Silicon Valley veterans, embrace a pragmatic optimism about technology because the future is most often shaped by optimists (as famously stated by Kevin Kelly). The belief goes: what doesn’t work fades away, and better stuff emerge to replace it. This is the altar of entrepreneurial vision, everyone seems to worship on LinkedIn. I’ve watched too many ideas that should have failed be kept alive (and even forcefully driven to profitability) through sheer capital injection. Meanwhile, urgent, grounded ideas die quietly because they aren’t easily monetized at scale.
WeWork pitched office subletting as a tech revolution and ballooned into a $47 billion valuation before imploding. Uber was heavily capital infused to profitability. Today, OpenAI’s mission to “benefit all of humanity” now sits uneasily beside multi-billion dollar partnerships and closed models. Meanwhile, ideas with genuine public value: clean water, affordable housing, or universal healthcare infrastructure, all struggle to find funding because they don't scale profitably. Capital rewards what sells, not what serves. Utility and profitability are not necessarily linked in our ever more financialized world. Capital behaves nothing like evolution; money has no biological equivalent.
To be fair, it’s easy to criticize techno-optimism, to stand on sit in a cushy ergonomic chair to talk smack. It takes real effort and vision to create anything. Everything we rely on (tools, comforts, structures) came from someone’s ambition. I’m surrounded by someone’s best work at all time. As a parent of two young kids, I’m confronted daily with the miracle of invention. Diapers. Running water. Healthcare system. Things I take for granted but couldn’t imagine parenting without. And yet… there must have been a tipping point. Optimism that once fueled genuine progress nowadays often covers for reckless speculation.
Capitalism and nature are both infinite games, but they play by different rules. Evolution is indifferent but principled. Its business model is survival through adaptation. Capital’s is survival through speculation. One refines what works; the other amplifies what excites. And so we drift. Not toward what we need, but toward what tickle or sense (and can be funded). “The market” will keep fueling innovation. It’s now tied to our biological craving for ergonomic improvement: first necessity, then comfort. Logically with scale we’ve outsourced optimism to industry. We don’t really steer our boat anymore, at least not the collective one. Which is why it’s necessary to stop, as individuals, and scrutinize what’s going on, harshly.
Elon Musk once said: “If we are not trying to become an interplanetary species, then we are just waiting around for an extinction event, man-made or natural.” Of all his soundbites, that’s the one that stuck in my techno-cringe mental database. He finds solace in pushing the fate of our species outward into the stars. I’m more comfortable with the idea that all of this might have no meaning. The transhumanism of his vision, to him, is pure humanism. To me, it’s like veganism: a refusal of what I see as a law of nature: that everything eats, and everything gets eaten and beyond that there’s isn’t much to it. There’s no real need to go anywhere aside of closing the loop.
My kids are already telling me they need space try things that make no sense to me. Fueled by abundant energy they will feed new dreams. Today it’s Legos. Tomorrow it could be rockets, biotech, or whatever future gadgetry. Reconciling fresh enthusiasm with my metaphysical leanings will be emotionally costly. Unless I take a dramatic turn, I won’t be a monk or a remote farmer. I’ll never be fully at ease with the churn of new technology, abundance, or dogma.
Yet, Zen and techno-futurism are both infinite games. Zen turns inward. Transhumanism pushes hardware far beyond its default settings. They’re both open-ended pursuits without a real finish line, just very different directions for the play. Although I can't personally of elevating the human mind without consideration for the meat-sack it came in. The thought experiment of humanity without bodies mostly leaves me cold. But after all, some people already take vacations just to play video games—that feels like the embryo of that future.
My neighbor J said it best: “I don’t think we should colonize Mars—that looks like a terrible place to live. But humans have been doing silly things just because they can since forever, so why not? After all, there are people living in Yukon, and happily so. I’d never do that”. It’s okay to love science and want to mess around beyond earth, space cowboy. Just don’t be dramatic and dogmatic about your fantasies. We’re all buggy software running in gloriously decaying hardware. Sometimes the bugs are features. Sometimes the features are bugs. Either way, the ride ends the same.
Notes - July 25
All the future forward statements on a backward platform like LinkedIn, crack me up. Same for substack, how revolutionary of a platform (heavy sarcasm).
I really thought I cognitively declined. I’ve been sitting through meetings understanding progressively less and less of what’s being discussed. At first I thought I was simply too distracted or not interested enough. So I tried harder. Closed all the tabs and windows — Went full Call Newport, focus mode.
I knew corporate jobs have downsides such as jargon, politics, heavy processes, ambiguity… weird vibes. That’s the flip side of a stable and high income. But am I willing to sell my intellect? Can I only sell a reasonable fraction? How much is that? More reasonably speaking attention is a bigger issue in my case that intelligence. Since it’s the prerequisite that’s problematic beyond work.
For years I’ve been joking about my attention span decline. Its deep connection with cognitive abilities worried me but paycheck and weekend shrugged it off. I’ve been coping with Zoom meetings, google docs, comments threads until AI seriously started to make its way in. Today AI features are everywhere. I tried them.
Comments made in the media about how AI is homogenizing our thinking and output feel very accurate to my experience. There was already too many meetings and documents before AI. The hope that AI can amplify and wrangle it all may give me the final blow.
Who doesn’t have ADHD these days? The digital hygiene to avoid it is crazy. All the book and advocacy around how to manage it all is a proof of how much of an issue it is. We are all online trying to stay sane, having a hard time finish our sentences. Like carpenters talking about back pain.
Performing a Turing test on oneself to convince that you’re not dumb is so millennial. I read Foucault, Russel, and Illich again, just to see if that still resonates and can find my old mind. I did.
According to Seth Godin I should interrupt myself 18 times a day. and Call Newport’s latest thing is to single task. At the other end of the spectrum Alex Hormozi is the latest generation of hustlers since Tony Robbin’s started and Gary V. hard rebooted. Even academics and artists seem to inevitably fall close to one extreme of the spectrum when it comes to « work ». In praise for idleness by Bertrand Russell makes a clear suggestion.
I get the criticism or the critics of AI. New paradigms can easily be framed as a loss or even a regression. My issue with AI today is the timing and pace who seem wildly inappropriate for anything good to happen. But sure, incredible potential.
I was picking up some bike parts and noticed, that I often look for the cheapest, best thing. I guess it is very common.
Usually it starts by I creating a range by defining the 2 ends: Cheap and just gets the job done at one end; full proof and expensive at the other. "Best" is a blend of contextually relevant attributes.
In most products, the middle of the range is often unexistant, unsatisfying, or hard to find. Not only for bike stuff which I love to "research", this extends to every other goods.
Cheapest-best or very-good-cheap-guy is where I want to be professionally. I’m not selling myself an award-winning world-class visionary designer. I’m a decent web designer, right in the middle of the range (hopefully I can claim an extra 1%).
I had to ask for software and beg for hardware until I was 24. I shared a gameboy advance with my brother for years while everyone had a ps2. I worked 2 summers to buy a 700 euros Acer laptop where I could install cracked photoshop CS4. I took me 2 years to finally get a refurbished MacBook after agonizing and fixing my old acer. Then I got catapulted in San Francisco. I will always be in scarcity mode.
Same for food. Nice things were genuinely expensive enough to be a simple: no. Now food cost is something I can ignore. But I can’t seem to rewire my mind out scarcity. Now it’s self imposed scarcity. Which make for an absurd experience when walking into a Costco warehouse.
I’ve had another conversation about kids with an older dad who dropped something I already heard a few times: “I wish I had one more kid because when the casket closes the money won’t matter.”
I get the basis of the sentiment and I want to respect that they’re further along. Perhaps it is one of these insights that only comes with age. It’s also true that financially it won’t make much of a difference. It’s mostly a time and effort. A worthy, yet massive investment.
Not that I want to squeeze much more out of life. Kids are not blocking me from big travel, fitness, or any other goals. I’d just love to sleep a bit more, eat in quietly, and be able to poop peacefully… it’s a quality of life thing. At the same time, it’s incredibly fulfilling to have kids around.
As I got in line, the cashier noticed that my youngest had a bloody mouth from chewing on a dried banana piece, from his mouth sores. The oldest peed himself while hiding as the lady recognized him and offered him stickers.
I have anxiety and herpes. One of my kid has my herpes. The other is definitely anxious. They’re already better off than me who has both.
I’d like to go through a day unburdened by my sense of interoception. Feeling what’s going on in my gut is incredibly distracting.
My post "on speed" got more feedback than usual. 3 people felt compelled to tell me that fast is universally agreed as more fun than slow and that the cost of speed is almost always worth the fun or convenience.
Fair point fellas.
Until recently I would have agreed that fast is more fun, for most things. However I have come to appreciate that when I find something I really like, doing it as slow as possible yields tremendous pleasure. In my mind it fits in the same hedonic category as fun.
Life has its season. Speed is momentary and relative. Seeking speed at all time get us fast to the grave as Watts pointed out long ago. I’m done with the adrenaline and the scrappiness.
I swept my for patio that was covered in bird poop. It got 75% of it out in 10min. A pressure washer would have gotten everything. I obviously don’t have one, nor want one as it would be the only use case. I could also buy something more reasonable like a scrub brush and spend more time for an incremental gain and a lot more effort. I’m very happy about my input/output ratio.
Also, the fitness-influenced millennial in me noted that sweeping is a great core twist exercise.
Caring a little goes a long way. A little more doesn’t go necessarily much further.
Care is on my mind these days.
My wife puts most of her energy fixing. I put most of my energy enduring. I don’t fix much. She doesn’t endure much.
Her approach is pragmatic, socially rewarded because she cares (in the strict sense of the term). Mine is seen as stoic, praised publicly but not truly popular. Wisdom is balancing both while having a clear preference.
Standard of care varies by individual, cultures, epochs. My physical standards are low. Water, basic food and a safe place to sleep are accessible to almost all at very low cost, the rest is extra. Instead of pushing the comfort I index much more on emotional well being.
To a large extent I agree with the opposite. Physically comfortable bodies is the path to a stable world. Add the hedonic treadmill and capitalism and you may understand why I prefer my irrationally low standards.
Kids only boosted my confidence: resilience is care. Trying to guess then satisfy every single needs is a self defeating prophecy. You just need to be there for them. Even if I’m the worst version of myself right now, I’m here and that’s enough. It doesn’t mean to just sit here but being less uselessly proactive and reactive, to channel the energy productively into coping.
Being there is my standard of care.
I read Franck’s Chimero old posts and went down a rabbit hole reading references and stumbled upon Joan C. Tronto work. Franck weaves Tronto’s definition of care to the web— which touched me. I felt far behind him in my thinking as a designer.
“Society is a system that is woven together. The gallery goes with the street and the street sweeper. You can’t separate the buttons from the designers, the job from the work culture, the company from the economy, the economy from our policies, our policies from our values. It all goes together.” F. Chimero
This hits hard as I was taking a break while working on a Sunday afternoon on a freelance crypto project. Big facepalm moment.
When I wear a watch I’m more aware of time. That’s the point right? Time seems to either go by too quick or too slow. I also spend a lot of time thinking of checking the time or how I don’t check it often enough. I rarely take off the watch. If I do I often forget to put it back on, until I miss and meeting or my wife gets mad at my poor sense of time. During the span of time without watch, time as a concept fades quickly, the wrist recover a small but noticeable bit of mobility. I spent a couple weekends without watch, unintentionally. It’s reassuring to know that rewilding myself is an quick and easy process. It’s equally upsetting to know that it’s just a matter of time before I have to get it back on and go through the cycle.
Similarly to when I took off my fitness tracker the concept of health dissolved into a complex pattern of feelings. While wearing I was not paying much attention and delegated my awareness to crude metrics.
I also spent more than a week without stepping in a store which felt like the same type of qualitative insight.
If we stick around the central coast of California long enough I’ll likely end up wearing brewery tees and a moustache. Which, as of my standards today is not acceptable.
My last few days at GitHub felt odd. Emotionally loaded, 3.5 years, my 3rd job. I hung out in slack like I would walk aimlessly a building I would never step in again. My sendoff zoom party also had that missing physicality. Only few people I got to meet in person. I had a hard time finding closure, trying to define what wrapping up my time and leave something. Empty figma draft folder, a few notes and suggestions, last half assed report, saving contacts… until my slack account went off. Aja’s last message showed up on my phone but my GitHub had already disappeared from my workspaces.
Seeking some catharsis I drank the last topo Chico I was aging in the fridge for almost a year.
Another month ending with these 2 todo items: "shave, order sardines"
The anti design design club
I love minimalist websites. The under-designed aesthetic pleases my abused sensibilities. Narrow containers, 2 column max layouts, and generous whitespace give my eyes a break. Some would say that it’s a suboptimal use of screen real estate. To me and many other, it’s a deliberate choice, and one that’s gaining momentum for good reason.
Minimalism in web design isn’t just a vibe. It’s a response to more than a decade of conversion-optimized, dopamine-maximizing marketing tactics (and growing slop). Conventional web marketing says users need value props, testimonials, videos, feature demos, freebies to engage, and hopefully convert. But in practice, that approach has become noisy, costly to scale, and increasingly ineffective. I’m turned off, and I’d wager plenty of others are tuning out too, sniffing the marketing desperation.
“Small screen, big moments” is a principle from mobile design that captures the shift well. It calls for large spacing, fewer distractions, and more intentional details. Larger spacing, stripped down UI forces a degree of minimalism intuitively. The screen, whatever its size, is just a context for attention.
This approach is about respecting attention and design discipline. 5k monitor or mobile, the same principles apply, only the render differs (often only slightly). It is a mature, understated, and confident form of digital design; closer to a museum’s wall than a supermarket shelf. My eyes appreciate the space and my attention jives better with the UX.
The anti design-design club is growing. It’s not a rebellion, maybe just a mildly elitist indie niche. I’m here for it.
On being negative
As this blog attests I complain a lot. Often quite heavily. I like to complain, shitting on things for free is second nature, I have a french passport. Most of it is quite enjoyable, not the reflex one would expect. It’s a defining part of my identity, and the basis of my critical thinking. Some say this is wrong and immature.
It’s fair to say that I express a lot more negative thoughts than positive. There’s a lot more range in my negative vocabulary. I’m absolutely fine with that. Because on the flip side I have a lot more emotional range when it comes to positive emotions. I can’t write poetry about peanut butter but I surely love it in a very special way.
Ask me about an obviously beautiful sunset and I’ll probably say I’m too hot or too cold or my feet are sore, or whatever else... even though I’m having a good time.
This note was inspired by a slice of bread who meet peanut butter on a hot day. Even the harsh sun and crying babies didn't ruin it.
Mascarading tsukumfogami
In the wake of Apple’s “liquid glass” moment and Google’s latest Material refresh, the design world is once again all buzzed up. Linkedin swells with cringey hot takes. Twitter and dribbble are blossoming with the most random designs speculative offshoots. A familiar cycle, hype wave hit.
At the heart of it is a desire to rekindle delight in digital interfaces, some call this “expressive design.” It’s a shift that feels inevitable, even logical. After decades of prioritizing functionality, consistency, and efficiency, we’re at a place where most interface patterns are established. The gain from optimization is marginal. Aesthetic becomes the next available lever — not necessarily an act of ethical leadership, but a strategic move. A signal, not a revolution.
There’s something poetic in this pursuit. Tool makers, software included, seem to be reaching for the spirit of tsukumogami — the Japanese idea that objects, after long use, acquire a kind of soul. It's a beautiful metaphor: software as companion. But unlike the worn texture of a well-used tool, digital things rarely age with grace. They're versioned, re-skinned, deprecated, become “legacy software”, succumb to tech debt. Whatever spirit they accumulate is fleeting — more dopamine than depth. This may simply reflect our nature. We are physical beings, grounded in tangible experience. A well-made chair or a hand-thrown cup offers a kind of presence that most apps cannot. No matter how beautifully rendered, a glowing rectangle will always fall short of touching the skin and echoing in our sense.
Of course, delight is not a vice. Nor is ambition in design. But it’s worth asking what lies beneath the gloss. The latest demos, impressive as they are, often sidestep the real cost of our digital ecosystem: attention fragmentation, energy consumption, and mounting complexity. The interfaces become more animated, more playful, even whimsical while the infrastructure underneath is a back box; heavy, noisy, and harder to trust.
We’ve seen this before. Innovation dressed as salvation. We marvel for a second as the eye candy dopamine hit fades. And soon, we’re left chasing the next glow, the next gesture, the next feel-good feature.
In the end, a button is a rounded rectangle. An app is just a tool. Much of our digital landscape remains clunky, slow, and difficult to navigate. The real opportunity isn't in layering more delight on top of broken foundations. It’s clearing space, simplifying, and… fixing. Respecting our mind, bodies and environment. Improving to the commons. Making less, but better.
I started this piece the week after the design sizzle of Apple and Google. I meant only to rant and move on. Since then, Apple has already softened its liquid sheen. Jony Ive is partnering with OpenAI. The wheel keeps turning… Good (sofware) design is good business, not tsukumfogami.
Breaking up with my office
I hate my office. I tried all the ergonomic improvements I could reasonably bear. I bought a fancy monitor, courtesy of my generous employer home office stipend. I also have an ethernet connection. Two things it took me 10 years to finally cave in to (oh, and an actual office chair). It’s technically nice, I shouldn’t complain. I’m simply spending too many hours of the day in this little temple of technology and focus. Tried to take a break and make the space less about work. I sprinkled some exercise equipment, which I rarely use. For my brain, this is the computer room. I tried the greening thing. So now I have plants that are suffocating like me; Well fed but wondering why they’re here.
As I’m cleaning (mostly dead skin on and around the keyboard), I took another highly manicured photo, one year after the last one. Run a quick visual assessment: The setup is fine. Having a physical and temporal space for work is great when there is no ambiguity with the work. Most of my work is ambiguous. The space is becoming an echo for my anxiety. The beauty of it amplifies it: Why is something so nice feeling so awful?
I need to break up with my office.
Notes - June 25
We lasted 3 days in LA. Ironically I was touting about how I had learned how to enjoy the lifestyle (at least as a vacation) the day before. The car kills me. The lower back pain from sitting, kids' meltdowns, arguments in the cockpit, mindlessness of hours in the car, the malls, are not worth the few good memories. The heat, poor setup and terrible baby sleep made us cut it short. What could be seen as a failed test of resilience actually felt like a little victory over expectations, culture, life itself. We knew the chances were low and the backup plan was in the back of our head. Returning home 4 days ahead of schedule confirmed: we are neither ready nor truly into it. The fresh air and clean house uplifted the mildly traumatized crew. Even our 7 months old baby showed vigor, although he had a few meltdowns during the 5h journey.
I’m convinced that the constant audio streaming is a direct response to not only availability but the sheer noise of the world. Cars, leaf blowers and everything else (even electric) are polluting the soundscape at all times.
My son born in the bay area hates the noises of cars and city bustle, the one born on the central coast hates the sun. That makes too much sense.
There was a Tesla parked on a really dirty curb. The door was open and I had time to peep at the dashboard screen, which I’m not familiar with. The sleek UI was in stark contrast with the pavement grime. The beautiful 3D isometric car sitting on a perfectly clean white was the quintessential representation of my issue with the screen based technology of today. I’m guilty too. Pixel perfect abstraction and smooth motion soothe my eyes.
I had a sharp feeling of having lost touch with reality as I was compelled to add "Shave" to my todo list.
I don’t get why it’s not illegal to have dogs in parks with playgrounds. How is that okay to have a dog pooping 3 feet away from where kids crawl?
Hiking with a toddler trains patience more than cardio. And when you have patience you’re often okay cardio-wise, an old lady confirmed as she passed us on the trail.
People AirTaging their dogs is a thing, and it’s not new apparently. It’s new to me.
At the park, typical middle aged parents chat about how excited they are about their upcoming vacation to a golf resort in Scottsdale. I was eye rolling and then they started shitting on nephews visiting Tokyo. Some stereotypes don’t seem to age.
Funny timing, the day before I heard yet another account of a trip to Japan.
My calves have been putting me to sleep
I drove my first baby home in an hourly rental (gig) car in an expired seat I picked up for free and hauled back on my back, Sherpa style. We used a donated stroller for the first 9months and bought a car as my wife got pregnant with our second. We could have been less stingy. I would do it again (unsure about my wife).
I’m holding my 8months old baby while brushing my teeth. He tries to grab my toothbrush then sends down to reach the ants that have swarming on the countertop. I did not close the bottle of baby cough syrup after number 1 played with it during my shower the night before. Now number 2 is on the edge of the hip carrier and almost gets to his goal. I shift to get him away, allowing him to reach my toothbrush. He stuffs the scum-caked bottom in his mouth. He then spits right on my shoulder. I take a quick dump with him still on the hip carrier carving in my bladder as I’m sitting. I’m already 2min late for an 830am meeting.
I took that note as I’m sitting alone in the zoom room…
I’m thinking of renaming my blog to "notebook" and have a description blurb alluding to the amount of negativity in it.
I had a strange dream bringing back memories of a vacation in Brittany years ago. The nostalgic memories and the boredom while walking my stubborn baby (who refused to sleep all night) led me to google my ex’s dad's name. Apparently he died last year. I had a great time hanging out with him. He was very generous and outgoing. A strong positive figure in my young adult life. Surely the speeding, drinking, TV all night, and all the other indulgences came to mind. He was a "bon vivant" and someone with a big personality. I didn’t get the chance to say thank you for anything. I spent more time with him than my own grandfathers combined. The fatigue and quiet of the morning created the space for the news to fully soak in. It is the first time I’m intuitively contemplating my relationship with someone who has passed.
I believe everyone is an outdoorsy morning person. Some are just in denial — or maybe I am in a greater denial having lived in California for almost a decade.
Every time my wife tries to explain some financial concept to me I want to just pull up a map to point at where I was raised. American finance will never make sense to me. Just as time outside won’t ever mean much to her.
No gentle nudge ever goes anywhere with my oldest, only aggressive Pavlovian incentives do it. He exhibits the same kernel of negative behaviors as mine: high emotional swing, anger, self sabotage. I used to think that our shade of buffoonery was a reflection of human nature as a whole. My second son seems to be a very different animal, likely at the other end of the spectrum like his mother. I enjoy his more joyful disposition, often wondering how his burden will manifest.
My wife finally got tired of the parenting book genre. My experience of parenting content is, stereotypically, a lot more limited than hers. 2 things annoy us particularly:
- Common strategies and advice are very often shaky and anchored in the shaky science of psychology
- Most good intentions and stories are often not relatable (although sometimes schadenfreude is appreciated)
There are a lot of parents around us at the moment. Most of my interactions with them are shallow. We are all tired and/or zoned out. I didn’t relate to many people before kids. That hasn’t changed. Seeing other parents showed how on the surface we’re all seemingly different and yet, mere mammals trying our best for our offspring. It’s incredible how 0.1% of genetic difference can make us think we’re different.
In the span of 3min, the oldest threw a bucket right on my nose cartilage and the youngest squeezed his mother’s freshly pierced ear.
I had no expectations but glycine seems to be doing some good to my sleep and gut for a fraction of the cost of Colostrum and prebiotics who haven’t done anything.
I have been adding many unpleasant things to the list of "X fills up the time that is allocated to it". It doesn’t seem to apply equally to pleasant experiences.
Friday morning with no early meeting. Kids in daycare and napping. I’m in the hot tub after a swim session, feeling as good as it gets and contemplating how I can barely fully process it. Seagull shit hits me on the shoulder. Some would assert that this is a proof of god.
Everyday, momentarily but frequently I lose any concept of value for human life. Kids or screen, overstimulation happens and the body overpowers the (my) mind.
I’m exploring the deep "ying yang" relationship between triceps and biceps.
How much sanity would we regain if we killed all podcasts forever. I aligned with my parents' complaints about TV in the 2000s and extended the same towards social media, podcasts and YouTube.
- "The beating continues until the morale improves" - seen on a tshirt of a dad with 4 kids, the guy looked oddly hippie in contrast to the statement vibe
- My toddler’s Chinese flashcards translate e-bike to "electromobile". I checked and apparently it is accurate. It also sounds more honest. Nobody can actually move the 60+ lbs monsters we call e-bikes nowadays.
- I don’t think many people asked my parents how they felt as much as I get asked, especially in professional settings.
On carrying things
I hear some people are carrying tourniquets in the name of being prepared for the worst. It doesn’t take much space, is cheap and could come in handy. From a pragmatic perspective there is no reason not to. This logic extends to a bunch of other products, depending on individual sensitivities. Hardcore preppers and meticulous moms carry a lot of stuff, so do I. Mostly because I had to. Being out and about with kids requires some prep, be it simply snacks and wipes.
An individual's carry says a lot. As usual we’re all different. How so? What drives the need to be ready? Ready for what?
Although I’m not a particularly organized person. I just like the exercise of selection and update. Due to the fairly low cost and high utility of the process I kept it organic. Regular cleaning and refills make it happen. Little (often metal) objects are so satisfying to hold and play with, kids too. They love to go through the stuff and scavenge for loose dry raising or chew on a watch strap.
My interest comes down to making things generally easier. I tried to cut avocados and apples with house keys, wipe toddlers with old tissues, and pull a tick with my nails… I learned my lessons.
This feels more like home than my actual home. I can’t hold my house or feel much of a sense of physical connection with it. I spend most of my days wanting to get out of it. It’s the little things on me that make me feel at home in the world. The cost of bags these days reflect our obsession for carrying things. It’s all comfort. That’s why I like the topic. I like to see what makes people feel comfortable.
I have not used the term EDC to avoid association with the image one may have due to social media, but that’s pretty much it. I won’t make a list but I’ll indulge in a photo.
On speed
On the bike and online, there are basically two main levers you can pull to get faster: weight and power.
On the bike, it’s basic physics. The lighter you and your gear are, the less effort it takes to move. That’s why cyclists drool out over carbon frames and all things titanium—less weight means more speed for the same power output. However the rider is always many times heavier than the bike, the most gain was to be made from the human losing weigh. By the same process, fitness always improves, more speed. Then e-bikes showed. Now, anyone can pay for power. You don’t need to be fit or ride a TT bike to hit 25mph. Since you don’t have to consider fitness, most don’t.
The same thing happened on the web. It used to be that speed came from clean code, optimized images, less dependencies. You had to make things lean to make them fast. That was the “old-school best practices” mindset.
But these days you can just pay for speed. Today there is a whole industry built around making sites load fast. It doesn’t matter how bloated your page is, if you stack CDNs, edge delivery, prerendering and all sort of trickery, that’ll be fast, strictly speaking.
But here’s the thing: does making a heavy unhealthy thing fast actually make sense? Do most people need a carbon road bike? Not really. If you’re commuting, getting groceries, or just cruising around, 20mph is plenty. Maybe 28-30mph if you’re feeling spicy. Similarly, no website absolutely needs a sub 1s first paint.
But we’ve convinced ourselves otherwise. Some influential group said “it has to be lightning fast” and now we’re all chasing performance badges. Capitalism eats that up every time there’s a shiny new thing to buy that makes the problem disappear (on the surface).
It’s worth remembering you always trade control for speed. On the bike, the faster you go, the more you need to focus—everything gets twitchy and riskier. Same deal online. When you’re buying speed, you’re often adding layers of complexity. More services, more config, more stuff that can break or slow down in other ways. We’re moving faster than ever and getting used to a less and less control. We like speed and forget to consider if it is worth it.
I wanted to close with something pithy about how obvious it is we’re going too fast, hands off the handlebar. When conditions are dodgy (I’d argue AI is one such curve ball), it’s always a good idea to slow down to regain a bit of control. Perhaps starting by getting leaner could be a good idea. Be less extractive and more aware. But then I’m inching into productivity talk, which I’d rather avoid. Like most commentary, this could be spun against itself. That’s the zen of it all.
There are many aspects of life that are unproductive and sluggish, and yet necessary. Some want to speed up the unpleasant hoping to make more room for the good stuff. It’s that logic that lead some think that being an interplanetary species make sense. Speed is inherent to growth. What grows achieves its purpose faster with iteration–creatures and machines. But that assumes the purpose is clear. As for websites, bikes, or the fate of our species, it is a matter of opinion. Our ability to be fast in almost everything has, indirectly, left me feeling unfulfilled, lost in the commotion.
It takes a non trivial effort to slow down. Maybe it always has. We’re still humans, still wired the same way. New triggers, same condition.
Notes - May 25
"thoughtfully cobbled together" seems to be the most widely adopted build ethos from indie bike builders all the way to tech companies.
I was watching one of those Vimeo bikepacking adventure videos. Through the window next to my screen I noticed a dog in a car parked close by. The look in his eyes instantly highlighted the irony of our situation. Trapped in a car, or in behind a screen, the longing in our eyes is the same.
Rain and/or budget cuts have led to unkept weed overgrowth. It’s lovely.
After yet another stint with Fitbit, I’m taking it off, again. I put it back on 3 months ago to help/force me to unplug from the screen regularly as I returned to work. The nag worked its magic. I also was expecting my sleep to be shit due to cosleeping. Data confirmed. Obviously, sleep data (most personal data) is saying what I already know. Some twist of left brain bias has me believe that data will do the convincing effortlessly - It doesn’t.
I got into bikepacking as a way of refusing unsustainable, impoverished ways of life under capitalism. But pedaling out of my anxious mid-20s, I’ve come around to realize the impossibility, and indeed undesirability, of "Into the Wild-style" escape.
By Josh Meissner - very, very relatable although I’m not much of a bike adventurer. My modest escapades, the scale of the world, and marriage have smacked me and my wild-style fantasies. The recent decline of our morality and the effect on institutions makes me reassess the need and nature of these thoughts. Perhaps wild-style escape is not a bad idea. Travel slow, not too far, safely, and always lightly. In any case, an affordable healthcare system would be nice.
Wife bought 2 cubic meters toilet paper by fear of “supply issues”. Definitely not the supply of shit in our house. Meanwhile, I peruse REI in between meetings and contemplate how camping gear might be a good idea in these weird uncertain times. The blatant stupidity of my own thinking was defeated by unplugging.
My oldest best times these days are when standing on the stroller, barefoot, while munching on dry raisins, listening to our favorite South American chill vibes playlist on our usual loop.
I carried a full set of changes and the full diaper arsenal for miles for weeks. Of course, he dumps the biggest diaper when I’m not equipped, a mile away from the house, every time I forget the bag. Potty training has been a journey illustrative of the human experience. On one hand, it’s humbling and makes me appreciate how most of us have learned to handle most of our bodies. But it equally reveals how the fundamental changes are a never-ending flux of ups and downs, eventually leading to momentary stabilization.
My wife seeks stability while I chase the next high. I thought she was more virtuous than me (based on normative behavior). Today I firmly believe that either is equally silly.
On a Thursday, the perfect storm hit me. Crazy kids, moody wife, trashy work feedback, depressing reads, flaring allergies. My left brain didn’t even try to cope. Mid morning I was in a drug like sympathetic state.
My wife read yet another book about waste management (Waste Wars by A.Clapp) and was genuinely disturbed. The reading seemed to have created some agency but by the end crushed it. Most waste is shipped abroad. The stories about how each export happened are disturbing and fascinating (I didn’t read the book). A quick and honest thought on all waste-related issues I can think of leads me there: all are so deeply rooted in the Western lifestyle it would too dramatic of a shift to reduce significantly our family footprint. She mostly agrees. However, she picked on wipes, a recurring topic. With 2 kids in diapers, we use a lot of them — I’d say 20 a day on average. At least we don’t dump them in the ocean and genuinely use every single one. How virtuous is that? According to my wife that may be more effective than cloth diapers which require a lot of water and energy to wash... who knows. Speculations on orders of magnitude abound in my household. Anyhow, I’ve started to use a wipe when I clearly don’t need a shower. It does the job and maybe saves water? Bonus point for camping vibes.
Going from dual income, no kids to dual kids, single income has been the most defining experience since becoming an independent adult.
After my short stint playing with chatGPT last month, I found myself asking the same question to Google. I just want links and parsing through weird sites. But mostly if I asked a really dumb question like: is X a bad idea? - I should not get an answer, what’s the UI equivalent of a familiar human giving the look of shame.
All my thoughts regarding AI are influenced by my mediocre use of it, which I project to be most people's experience. Generative and chat-based AI for public use is likely doomed to reflect human nature once again. I hear that it’s in specialized tools in technical domains where AI is particularly primed. A few years ago, when AI was still called machine learning, there was a clearer understanding of the relevant contexts. The shift to natural language seemed to have induced that now machines are equally good at everything. They are not. And for certain things, like poetry, will never be - by essence.
Hair is free, eco-friendly sunscreen but I hate the shaggy mop on my head.
In the face of all the incredible product demos of the last few months, my discovery of silicon scar tape stands out. Truly fantastic stuff. I want to put some everywhere I don’t have hair. It seems to help clear granulomas on my finger faster than anything I tried.
Kiddo makes a thing with Duplo blocks. Break the thing by accident. Meltdown. For once, he gets back at it. He takes the time to fix it and finally understands how to carry it properly. He figured it out. I can see it in his eyes, confidence. Suddenly he is struck by panic and throws his creation on the ground. It explodes, so does he. This is self-sabotage. Yet another important spectacle, a direct window into the human condition.
Camus famously suggested that whether to commit suicide or not is the biggest philosophical question. Many serious answers and criticized and supported Camus’s. I have, like most who lived a couple decades in this world, contemplated how throwing myself under the bus would be an easier path. I’m saying this lightly as I’ve never had serious mental issues. A few years ago I was amused toying around with this existential question. I’m not much wiser now. There is a hilariously zen tone to the way I get there when I’m hitting a low point.
That thought negates the need to make sense out of something that makes no sense in the first place. Because as Louis CK jokes “life is worthless”. Value is a concept. We are alive because we are living beings. That’s it. The capacity for self-awareness doesn’t override this. Thus if we try to not remove all considerations for acquired concepts, we are only biologically made to live.
Euthanasia is a different story. I’m fully supportive of the right to choose to commit “assisted suicide” when unbearably suffering. I’m only 30 and I can’t imagine what would make me change my mind.
I felt compelled to explain what a pogo sandwich is to a colleague on a zoom as they asked me "How is it going". I was performing a pogo sandwich with my son right before the call. It consists of hugging him and his teddy bear while jumping up and down in place. He likes it. I like it for 10sec. This type of baby brain plus context switch situations happen on a daily basis. They are the best illustration of my work-life balance. Somedays I wonder how I manage to still be employed.
- The indie web’s "poetic web" is too far out for me. It smells more of nostalgia than poetry. Perhaps it’s the point and I just don’t get it, much like poetry.
- I saw a brand new electric SUV R-something coming out of the parking lot with equally fancy e-bikes on a back rack. I was mentally calculating that the entire carriage was probably more than $100k. On the other side of the street a homeless veteran, wearing his old uniform was napping. Seriously tanned. Worn out, customized, the army issued pack with water bottles strapped everywhere, and big MAGA patch.
At both ends of the socioeconomic spectrum, bad decisions compound.
Maybe I’m an empathetic asshole. Maybe the Rivian driver really likes biking with his family and believes in the future of electric vehicles. Maybe electric Mobility symbolizes for them a more equitable and sustainable future. Maybe the veteran believes in conservative values, left the army out of conviction, or found this backpack as is… Perspective doesn’t seem to matter anymore since it doesn’t lead to empathy. At least not systematically, or as we used to call it being polite or civilized. That’s why I refrain from making certain comments, even on this silly blog.
- I tried to give Microsoft's NL web idea a chance. Once again MSFT is pulling the "open source" card hoping for widespread adoption and another virtue badge. Open source has mostly field capitalistic growth rather than independent, long-term projects. The ones who made it, became corporations. I hear too often "You can make money doing open source". The kernel of truth is so small. Yes, you can make a living being a poet or oil painter because you have access to paint and paper. Not only gotta be in the top 10% (I think I’m generous here) and you need to fight your way into a rapacious industry (rarely what motivates artists I hear).
The NLweb clearly aims at the commercial web. Because who in their right mind would want to integrate AI agentic features on their blog or non-profit site?
What equally bothers me is the conversational aspect that is now the default interaction. How obnoxious. Because search doesn’t sound like a true improvement (good and fast search is neat). Search is already a full room and performant solutions already exist.
What is the agentic web? A web for agents, and robots, acting for our best interest but more likely profit. That doesn’t sound like the plot of a movie. What can go wrong? But I’m morbidly curious to see that human + robot world…
- Here is how I understand Sundar Pichai defending Google AI leading to a loss of traffic on press sites: the algorithm only reflects what people want. The market will adjust and change is painful. I don’t like the neoliberal of that last bit, but be it. The killer is "We (our algorythms) are just giving people what they want". That rarely goes well.
- Most highway overpasses I rode in California have some kind of pedestrian or bike infrastructure. However, the experience of it is awful. California is also the land of the automobile. She (Cali is a lady, I'm french) tries hard to accommodates both. That’s pretty "liberal" compared to most other states and countries. Some rightfully argue that the cost is not worth the actual use. By now it’s generally acknowledged that it’s a signal, an incentive, more than a forcing mechanism. Sometimes I’m hopeful. But most days I just squint and hold my breath, waiting for the light to turn green. EVs are nicer. No smoke or scary sound, they also tend to be smaller. The politics of it and supply chain are turning me off tho. Bikes are already so efficient (weight/power ratio), that's the electric propulsion that actually makes sense.
- A gentleman was telling me about his son who moved to Thailand. He followed his fiancée who speaks English and apparently translates for him. "It must be like a movie with occasional subtitles" said the man.
- These monthly notes are getting sloppy. I love that there is no publish button in my process as everything happens via FTP. My ego somehow found a dopamine button in the process. I need to tame this, pronto.
A couple interviews later
I interviewed opportunistically at 3 big tech companies in the last 2 months. Mostly out of FOMO and general burnout response. I do that pretty much every 2 years. Last time I got rejected from all because I didn’t fit the openings. People reach out telling me they’ve been following my work and offered to intro me to a job on their team, often product design positions. Because I’m morbidly curious, easily flattered, and the compensation ranges are wild, I give it a try.
This year was similar. I’m finally at peace with product designers – I don’t want your job, the extra $30-50k are not worth the squeeze. My ego got a nice boost knowing I could schmooze my way into a $200k+ job. Thus, here I am after a meeting-packed month which surprisingly didn’t feel worse than my regular. A few conversations in, I entered the great tech echo chamber: the same struggles, delusional expectations, silly interview questions, phony answers, awkward dynamics, over-enthusiastic recruiters, AI talk… and gosh those UX exercises. I made it through. It all goes somewhere, especially these oddly artificial experiences.
My first realization is that I’m very likely exactly where I need to be. Senior forever is a good life. Staff was a tough sell pre-AI, now it’s definitely a no-no for me. Many seem to be waiting things out somewhere on the corporate ladder. My place at the bottom is emotionally cozier and financially workable. I’m way above my income/contentment threshold. The extra cash and responsibilities are really not worth it. A recruiter gave me "kudos for interviewing with babies" - she said it very empathetically, but I heard "Why are you doing this to yourself" - Touché. The humanity resonated just as much as the cringe, mine, theirs. Ny now I know a few flavors of people in big tech. Not all of them but enough to be convinced I won't last much longer in big tech. There are some brilliant and resilient souls. From great squeeze comes great juice. Empty shells and tired smiles.
I scratched the itch. My best, rested, mind knows: I should be better than that. Maybe I needed that out of my system. The emotional cost of the process seems like a karmic tax for the year ahead. The existential buzz always fades. I have enjoyed great sleep these last few days. Sitting in silence has rarely felt more instinctive and the AI fuss has turned to a thin layer of smoke, although it ironically caught up to me as GitHub is following Microsoft's DOGE-esque dynamic.
There is always a next chapter. Life’s core processes are messy. Whatever it looks or feels like, most of us are trying our best, struggling (sometimes quite hard). Stuff changes too fast. We all reinvent ourselves with varying degrees of optimism.
My last realization was that I still don’t know what I want beyond "making things for screens" which is pathetic (and makes me prey to FOMO). I’m not alone, but after 10 years at work I feel immature. Human connection keeps me going. So I will allow myself to get energized by new conversations, not interview pipelines.
On HTML
Although not as mature as a lot of other disciplines like science or architecture, web design now has established codes. Often referred to as best practices vaguely agreed upon across various sub specialties. Accessibility, layout, frontend, content, and of course design have co-evolved with the internet itself, shaped by constraints of browsers, bandwidth, and human cognition.
Roughly speaking I consider websites on a spectrum going from: one page only highly customized all the way to massive web platform with encyclopedia-like site maps. I work at both ends of that spectrum. It would also be hypocritical to not say that my heart belongs the crafted, expressive edge of the spectrum. But I work at GitHub, on the other side. It's a paradox I live with: favoring the handmade while making a living in the industrial.
The creative aspect is only one facet. Its definitions often depend scale. Design quality often inversely correlates with scale. It’s never realistic to painstakingly polish every page. Companies invest in design where it matters: the homepage, events, high-stakes conversions. Elsewhere, you see design in glimpses like a well-set type, an cool footer, an success micro-interaction.
When it comes to UX it’s all about navigation. Where do all the links go? How many navigation layers can a user tolerate before confusion sets in? Modern tech stacks and organizational silos compound. No amount of UX audits can reverse entropy. The mess is expected. UX at scale is like public health — responsive, imperfect, always playing catch-up.
Web design today is (tentatively) being abstracted away. No-code tools, site builder, and vibe coding promise ease and speed. Yet the quality of both code and design is not there. These tools often treat HTML and CSS as leaky implementation details, trying to bypass them instead of embracing them. Until abstractions handle those holistically (not just visually), the need for foundational fluency persists.
The only thing I know for sure is that everything is still rendered in HTML, styled with CSS, structured in the DOM. AI still generates HTML. It doesn’t bypass it. Even the most advanced tools must output valid, performant, accessible markup. This isn’t just legacy crap. It’s infrastructure. The web has always been layered — from raw HTML to whatever React monstrosity is trending today. Each layer adds theoretically power, but also dependency on what lies beneath.
Abstractions are not replacements, they’re translations. And the best translations are fluent in the original language. That’s why the basics I learned in 2011 (like the box model quirks) are still relevant today. My daily work still involves negotiating padding, type scales, and easing curves. The context has changed, but the core hasn't. The tool fuss fueled by VC money is hype more than true need, which makes my job somehow political. React and Figma imposed themselves. I don’t hate either but that their adoption came with cultural and workflow baggage that can’t be ignored.
As long as the web remains a document-based medium abstractions and tools will come and go, but HTML will persist. It’s not a bottleneck. That’s what keeps the web open, interpretable. The rising use of AI, headless CMS, or design-to-code automation still rely on the same foundation. As the web remains accessed by browsers and is fundamentally about linked documents (vs apps), HTML will remain the lingua franca. Even new tech like WebGPU or WASM doesn't remove the DOM, it merely works beside it.
At least this will be true as long as the internet is for humans...
I wrote this very quickly, combining a bunch of notes from the last 6 months. It's feels oddly satisfying but my limited coding skills make me feel like a fraud as I upload this post.
Under the gloss
I started my career with flat design as the standard. From my understanding, apple led the transition as the digital ecosystem migrated from desktop to mobile. With less screen real estate and more stuff, it made sense to simplify the visual language, thus going flat. The production of skeuomorphic assets at scale was a tedious mess with the tech bar in the days (photoshop everything). Since then lots have change, to much to make industry-wide statements.
This week's big fuss about Airbnb CEO saying “I think flat design is over or ending” sounds to my ear quite overly dramatic – Big design smelling its own farts. Skeuomorphic, colorful, texture-rich brands have existed, persisted, and will continue to do so. Chesky’s underlying thesis is that the digital native crave some “natural” elements infused in the digital experience.
For some, it will bring some Web 2.0 gloss nostalgia. For others, maybe a fresh smile, it’s cute and, as always well done. Airbnb is in a unique position: they have a mature brand, the budget, and the talent to pull this off. The tech and talent to implement such style is wild. Yes AI is good but big brands like Airbnb are will always stands out thanks to the talent they can hire. From a technical perspective, they are pushing the envelope - kudos.
But let’s not forget why flat design took hold in the first place. The digital landscape is more bloated, chaotic, and demanding than ever. The need for clarity, speed, and legibility hasn’t gone away—in fact, it’s more urgent now. So philosophically, I’d argue this shift is a regression. Aesthetic sugar for short-term conversion gains.
What they unveiled is beautiful—but it’s eye candy. It’s a flex. It’s marketing dressed up as taste. This is the kind of ornamental overreach that reveals the gap between Big Tech and the rest of us. Chesky’s design leadership seems to orbit around trend-surfing and aesthetic opportunism. Let’s not confuse that with vision.
He’s clearly having fun – good for him – but let’s not forget he’s an art director with business interests and way too much money to burn. This year he wanted a big glossy dial – cool. In two years, something else equally infringing, distracting, and expensive will come along. Meanwhile, most apps are riddled with basic bugs and UX issues with tiny design team burning out… because bozos (design influencers) and big tech are setting bogus expectations.
But wait — they must’ve tested this, right? So it’s what people want. But giving people what they want isn’t the same as doing what’s right. Optimization inside an already exploitative system doesn’t make it virtuous — it just makes it more efficient. Airbnb isn’t redefining design; they’re fine-tuning a machine that drives up rents, displaces locals, and turns cities into themed experiences. Now they’re layering on visual gloss to keep it feeling fresh. Design leadership isn’t about aesthetics, conversion, or even scale — it’s about solving problems that matter. And at Airbnb’s level of influence, chasing surface-level wins while ignoring systemic harm is a failure of vision.
What’s missing in all this glossy rebranding is a basic sense of self-awareness. When the richest companies treat aesthetic shifts like philosophical breakthroughs, it distorts the public’s understanding of design. And with Airbnb in particular, the design chatter becomes a convenient distraction from the systemic issues the company has fueled—skyrocketing rents, hollowed-out neighborhoods, touristification of residential spaces, the erosion of local culture. The conversation turns to button styling and nostalgic textures, while the platform continues to shape cities in ways that are deeply extractive. It’s easier to celebrate a glossy dial than confront the hard truth: Airbnb’s most influential “design” isn’t visual at all—it’s economic and urban, and it’s made life worse for a lot of people.
This kind of design theater doesn’t just mislead—it absolves. It lets leadership posture as visionary while dodging accountability. It sets unrealistic expectations for what design is for, training a new generation to chase aesthetics over ethics. Good design isn’t a vibe. It’s the quiet stuff that actually works, improves our condition as humans, and doesn’t make the world worse in the process. That’s what we should be celebrating—not another rebrand dressed up as a movement.
Config 25
I watched even less of it this year. What I saw of the IRL event looked like a fun design rave.
Figma doubled its features. Shareholder value is increasing, theoretical user value too, bloat is creeping. Once again, big co entropy is happening.
Most new features are understandable extensions (to not say copycats) of known tools. Sites is Figma's version of Webflow, Buzz is Canva, Draw is Illustrator… and "Make" is yet another one of these genAI things. I’m reminded of how Adobe has been selling the idea of the one design tool. Figma is closer to that than Adobe ever will but I doubt the relevance, viability, and longevity of all these in the long term. Few of last year's features have been as popular as basic Figma design. Like Code Connect, I never used it or heard of a noteworthy implementation. Same for slides, I tried then reverted. All the new features have some merit but half of it is feature repackaging.
As a web designer (who actually still codes stuff), I’m most bothered by Figma Sites. I get it. Shipping in a Click without coding is enticing. Figma’s canvas as a base visual editor is neat, fast, and visual. But there’s real value in clean, semantic HTML and a few design constraints to avoid some basic bad habits. This is baked in tech debt. Not to mention a clean freaking DOM: if you care about accessibility, SEO, or even LLMs (AI Search), structure matters. Treat yourself to: One right click > inspect on the demos and get ready for a deluge of <div>. To see a major player blindly ignore best practices, I foresee some regression in the web design world… at best, we the builders, and peons, will have to painstakingly create guardrails and education to fix this.
That said – Kudos to the staff, I’m genuinely impressed by the demonstration. I can only imagine the sheer toil that such features and event have required. With or without Adobe, Figma is big, and good software.
My issue with this whole fuss hasn’t much to do with specs or features. It’s the utility in the broader context of humanity. I cannot argue that Figma is not good at what it promises. But who and for what purposes is where my reasoning doesn’t meet the optimism bar. Tool sophistication and outcome curves are diverging. How many more crypto apps or fitness tracking apps do we need when our society is getting poorer and unhealthy? Figma’s specular growth is one of many proofs that capital creation is not pegged to "true" value for humanity. More is more. However, less and less of the new stuff is actually good.
Similar to programming languages, the increased abstraction, leads to more accessible coding while having been a major contribution the challenges of our time. The quality of life improvements code and design tools have enabled are not worth it - whatever "it" means to you. I understand optimism is a spectrum. The human and natural resources I witnessed consumed by the tech industry in the last decade amount is colossal.
Yet I spend the best part of my day in Figma. As an armchair critic, I’m a part of the problem. It's probably my last year watching – I'll stick to the recap moving forward.
Notes - April 25
I couldn’t resist jumping over a massive puddle on the trail. I messed up my landing, got a bloody knee and a hole in my right hand palm. Immediately after the crash I was buzzed and bummed by how it just had to happen, somehow this was a necessary reminder.
Brevity and kindness are wonderful corporate principles (tho fairly subjective). My best attempts at emulating them has resulted in scrappiness and humor.
More tractor drama: kiddo locked himself in a cabin. I was lucky someone around came to my rescue. Double luck the guy was really chill about it and told me that this ‘happens all the time’ because some doors actually get seriously stuck ( due to wear, dirt and general negligence).
Someone asked for the restroom to a store staff member: «over there, enjoy». That last word.
A guy introduced his dog as she was running around us at the park: «she doesn’t eat much but she loves to run, she is only 6, and I’m pretty sure she’ll die like that». That is extremely relatable.
My kid exorcised his anger out by throwing stones in a creek. I followed him, throwing, stacking rocks, vaguely making a dam. I had a thought for the White House staff, to who I’d recommend doing the same at the nearby Potomac River. Some good would come out of it.
There’s been a few perfect evenings in a row. My senses had such delight. The light, temperature and breeze, fully rendered how distracted my mind was, incapable soaking it all up.
The way I jump off my chair during the workday is revealing. So far I have not found a way to gently unplug.
I almost stepped on a fat lizard I thought could have been a snake. I instantly started to blab as I continued my run. That’s my scared monkey mind trying to distract itself from fear. That’s everyone on LinkedIn.
My wife says I’m giving pretentious minimalist vibes online while I call myself a doofus in person. She obviously doesn’t read this blog often, for the better.
I’m familiar with the concept of gaslighting but not the term which needs to be defined every time I hear it. In French we call this being manipulative, it makes more sense to me. Apparently the suggestion to deal with it is to avoid people who practice this strategy — while acknowledging that we all do it and suppressing that instinct is very hard, especially when not primed or triggered. That’s the big caveat to over communication, especially reactive. My wife also noted that the avoidance tactic kind of falls flat when the people you need to avoid is as large as «all your government administration or The internet.
To a disturbing extent my creative work is theoretically alike what AI promises. Give me a really spotty brief and expect me to make something out of it. The AI enthusiasts like to think that in a couple of model updates the gap will be too narrow for the general public to notice. In the realm of web design I’m confident it will be fairly noticeable for a long time. It doesn’t take a professional to feel the difference between a WIX template and a custom made website. Fast fashion made custom made clothe only more desirable, and expensive. I see myself as a craftsman who craft is getting even more valuable instead of threatened. Perhaps I’m a bit too confident, we’ll see.
I see a “bright side” to this whole tariff and geopolitical debacle: Commerce and travel will be significantly harder, and expensive. The economic slow down, could force a generalized consumption downtrend.I Perhaps American leaving the lead is how humanity start to wind down consumer culture. No country has been as economically privileged as the US in the last 50 years – Capitalism’s poster child. If it starts, it must start here, with a ridiculous self-inflicted wound.
I heard the idiom «even a broken clock is right twice a day». I thought it would be relatable to my wife and her conversations with her mom (or me). It seems like a low risk remark. At least I would get a smile — nope. Apparently a broken clock is not specific enough to get the point across and I deserve to be served harsh mood all day. I suppose I have to follow that with kindness and humility, not because we’re marriage but karma?
Myostatin knockout
I’m getting uncomfortable around the many dog owners similarly to around pickup truck owners. Ignoring differences is odd when they are so salient.
I’m getting to a point where I’m noticing what AI is good at and what it sucks at. I initially was impressed by its summarization ability but it provides more of an extrapolation than true synthesis. Seen like this, it’s not threatening at all and rather pointless as is add more noise, especially considering how omnipresent it has become. Everything is recorded, reduced, broadcasted… even PMs are getting annoyed by the extra noise. On the dev and design side of things, I’ve been sensing the need for a reset of expectations as AI agents are pumped up. It will go from 0 to 1 in most cases, to get anything north of that, it need either very specific guidance from a professional or be deeply implemented. Most of the demos are obviously smoke, the devs all know it. Some looks really neat, as always. A lot of folks are having fun waiting to see how this plays out, most are amused more than scared. So am I. With all the political crap at the moment, the AI blitzscaling is technically cute but culturally devastating.
I canceled my chatGPT plus after 3 weeks. Image generation was fun for a second. I’m sick of talking to it. The «prompt» engineering is not only tediously mind numbing, I can get as much by torturing my own creative abilities. I’ve also developed a weird tendon to ask questions I would not dare asking google, and should probably learn to let go off. Nothing perverse, just stupidly that could have found a ready sparing mate. So yeah — I’m done. I’ll probably need to meditate for a month to override this 3 weeks of GPTing.
Todays mail offer a perfect snapshot of the flavor of life these days:
- The monthly Costco promotions catalog
- 2 local churches Easter ads
- 1 car maintenance ad
- The Atlantic magazine
- 2 dental insurance billing automated mailers
- 1 Mc Donald Ad
- Second hand toddler books
- Amazon delivery of fish oil
- 1 HOA mailer
I used a steri strip to cover and close a really annoying tiny cut caused by opening a plastic box. I will do this for every cut, and should have discovered this long ago.
I rediscovered Aussie bites. I love the texture and the 130 calories per bite seems fitting for a bulk friendly food. I can easily get 2-3 in as dessert which seems acceptably decadent, appreciable and non bloating. May these be my gateway to an extra 500ish calories per day. Also another reason to love Australia.
I flipped my thumb nail whim trying to break a tangerine skin open. I felt weak, vulnerable and upset. It’s little things like this throw me off, not political news, climate change, or even family drama.
L’habit ne fait pas le moine - cela dit les punk porte rarement un toge. If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck.
A mom saw my bruised knee and told me a story of a new dad friend who went for an opportunistic jog and crashed 5min in, but rolled with it.
I thought TASCHEN and Costco were to brand who would never meet. And yet…
I remembered the beginnings of the burger menu during the early days of the mobile web. It’s the strongest memory of evolution of web design I can think off in my short career. I remember trying to sell the idea in my small agency. It was cool and new, and totally irrelevant to the local/institutional websites we were building. Now it’s 90% of menus where there’s more than 4 entries. That makes me a «real» web designer.
The shared dream of "passive income" says a lot
The claim that "coporations are people" is strong these days around me. It took me a while to even understand the doctrine, as someone that was offered a ticket, fairly randomly. I refuted this with the banal point that corporations do not flourish in the same way that individuals do, thus being happily supporting the claim seemed like ass-kissing. If they are, it's not the best version of its people – under the pressure of company interest, income and societal norms.
Somedays I feel the earplugs vibrating as my kids screams right into my ears.
I have been eating in 6 hours what I used to eat in 12h. I know this is temporary but my body is not liking it. The bloating is intense but I feel a bit more juice. Weights are a very different effort tho - and can’t simply replace my 15min runs. Cardio pairs well with desk work anxiety. Resistance training doesn’t (so far). I don’t know how to ease into. A few pull-ups, pushups, a good set of lunges… fatigue hits, struggle without focus or intention. No feeling of release or satisfaction before the 20min mark. It could grow on me if I made time for it. The neuromuscular connection aspect is really fun, toes and legs love the attention. I spend a fair amount of time prepping and eating, aside of full time work and dad life. I may not be in the right phase of life for this bulk to happen. I joke that lifting my kiddo is the original progressive overload. My arms are about to fall off during 15min+ carries. Food and exercise seems to be asides, the big issue is computer work. I hate the gym because it feels like the worst place the ease into “using my body”. I wish I could move purposefully. Everything I do is artificial, and at best, fun.
While trying to figure out this whole bulking ambition I realized that I very likely have a mild malabsorption issue. I hypothesized this many times in the past, sometimes as a joke - how can I be so skinny will eating so much? I don’t digest much fat, especially all the cold butter I like so much. So I need to take a butter hiatus. Apparently many skinny, fast metabolism ectomorphs like me who have, swayed by the keto fat love fest, tried to go for a high fat diet have hit the same wall. The protein adds to the load. I’ve read and heard so much on both macronutrients I forgot about carbs — not completely but enough to wonder how I’m going to fill a 1500 calorie gap. How am I going to live without butter? I actually ramped up my butter consumption as we moved a mile away from Costco. Which coincides with onset of my GI drama. It’s comically American. On top of that, my caloric excess seems to end up keeping me awake and hotter at night, and not fuel much muscular growth.
There’s a eucalyptus grove adjacent to my neighborhood. The bark shavings, smell and fresh air contrast with the concrete and cars around it. Occasional homeless roaming, lost souls, dog walkers are to be expected. In the middle, newly planted native trees, struggling. An educational panel explains how this invasive eucalyptus ends up being an opportunistic shelter for birds and butterflies. It was installed right after the concrete enclave of the new development was finished. It mentions that eucalyptus tree are self-senescent which feels like a way to say that we’re waiting for them to die. Most living things undergo senescence, why mention it here? Just to drop a fancying scientific word? Be nice to trees, don’t call them «aesthetic green space» - that sounds superficial. We need them more than they need us. We all decay gracefully, even concrete.
I’ve been trying to close the day going to the train station as often as possible. San Luis is a small town and the mild bustle of the 4pm train is as crowded as it gets on weekdays. It’s a strange sentiment of bonding with my kid and the local ecosystem. He loves the train, I like the bike ride. We go through town, the microclimate
Passive moments like these revealed that my mind has stopped to tried to rationalize the storyline. It’s getting blurry or absurd — sometimes bringing up empty but ultra crisp textural memories. Like if the subconscious was try to say that has always been that way, nullifying the chaos of today in a soft grumpy cosmic giggle.
I'm done fixing typos in these monthly notes, sorry english. Feel free to tell me how awful my spelling is as you glance at the disorder of my frantic mind.
Gopher mindset
A gopher darts across the road as I approach on my bike. It freezes, panics, and scrambles back to the side it came from. Halfway through its retreat, it hesitates, then suddenly changes course and runs for the far end. I roll over its tail.
Struggle is notoriously poorly estimated. In the moment or in anticipation, error rate is absurdly high. When I think I’m about to break, I’m often below half of my pain tolerance. When thinking of how hard something will be, I’m often off by 50%.
Add indecision and the pace of life to that equation, and it’s easy to see: I’m that gopher. Too often.
I tend to believe that most glaring issues with life these days seem to be due to moving too fast. Capitalism is a conduit for our spastic mind who seeks always faster rewards. Young idiots like me in tech keep feeding this system. And yet, something feels undeniably off (reassuringly not just to me).
I can’t do much about it so I leaned into 2 basic practical tactics: #1 Increase load to force slow down, play the game. 2# Become more aware of cost and trade offs, change the game, make it a mind game. (I hope you appreciate the pure 24yr old buffoonery)
Obviously, neither of these have worked out for me. Increased load led to more paper cuts, lots. Awareness led to depression.
Staring at my newest and cleanest scar ever, a thought creeps up : of maybe something (cathartically) bad has to happen to me, just so I learn something. It took me 33 years to properly heal a scrape. I kept it moisturized, resisted the urge to pick. Like an adult. It healed in half the time, but sucked more than 2x (I love picking a nice crusty scab, don’t you?). I can and should do better, at least to be a decent example for my kids.
When looking at their short lives, at the macro level, it’s easy to see the gradual development and miss the real story: jumps, click moments, sudden inflection points, followed by long plateaus. One day, they just walk. From fumbling to functional in a few days. Then run. Then talk. The curve isn’t linear. It’s a staircase. I’m approaching one of those step.
My vitality, presence and stupidity curves are converging. Something is about to give, or settle, or align. I’ve rolled over myself more times than I care to admit. Too many projects. Too much cardio. Everyday, 5PM has me feeling in the middle of the road, in a rush, tired, clueless.
I’m a gopher. I don’t want to be. Can a change that fundamental come from within? I don’t think so. I probably need to get rolled over, hopefully only metaphorically. History has shown that few changes of that nature can be operated without trauma. From what I see online these days, there’s a lot of gophers out there.
Notes - March 25
After 5 years I’m archiving my /notes - public archive for now, removed from the main nav. They felt useful, pretentious, and at times, silly. My cadence has dramatically decreased now that I post monthly note dumps on my blog. I’m also renaming these to «notes - feb 2025» instead of «note dump». It’s still a dumpy dump but it’s the nature of notes.
Who are the wise elders of today, standing back from the game we fools play?
It’s uncanny how all traditions are calling for regular contemplative practice, almost in the same way: intentionally sit in a quiet (nice) place for a while, close your eyes and don’t do anything. Meanwhile, the modern man works on 3 projects at the same time while managing the logistics of life, hoping to be able to still play tennis at age 95.
As a side note, to the folks who see in AI the solution to our ever more complicated life logistics: good luck my friends. I’ll keep going the other way, not out of hatred for AI but out of concern for personal autonomy.
«3-5 days in office work with empathetic flexibility» is quite hilariously phrased.
There are many pros and cons to working for a large company. One of the major cons, when one is at the bottom of the corporate food chain, is being paralyzed by executive indecisions trickling down. Similar to how the further drool gets from the baby’s mouth, the more upsetting it is (at least to me).
Good design at scale is an osmotic process. Leaders talking is distillation, hoping ambitions trickle down to relevant actions is delusion via nuggets of wisdom.
Is it better to know that you don’t know or not know that you don’t know — Ignorance or partial knowledge? Pure ignorance is basically what Buddhism advocates, to stop wanting to know everything and anything because there is nothing to know. A state modern Buddhists consider lofty. We are all stuck in a state of partial awareness.
That’s the kind of stuff I think about at age 32 after an empty workday while hanging out with my toddler son.
My wife claimed to have gotten motion sickness from reading PDFs on her Kindle - Apparently due to the page-turning animation and pixelation.
«Tough guy with a big heart» is such an endearing image of ideal masculinity, typical of boomers and genX. My generation is struggling to lean into it. We’re trying to develop toughness in gyms and triathlons, and finding our heart on YouTube and edibles.
I spotted a tern cargo bike similar to mine, with a large rifle case strapped to the rack. I’m surprised it took me a year to see this. REI and the gun store are not far apart, and the combo seems quintessentially Central Coast: wealth, outdoors, and pew-pew.
Beach bums and van life have been a thing for a while. Bike bums are a thing. It’s sometimes hard to tell if they are homeless or took bikepacking too seriously.
I got served the most uncannily well-timed and targeted Zillow ad in my Tumblr feed as I was doomscrolling to find «inspiration»: a container house, in the middle of nowhere on Ohahu, HI for $135k.
Craig Mod retired from tech at 35. I’m 2 years always from 35. It feels like a milestone. Not 40, but deep into active life. I’ll have 13 years of proper ‘career’ by then. I met enough people, who, like Craig, have moved on from work for income as their primary motive. This seems very far from me today, and perhaps it is a sign of how irrelevant this is.
I heard a tech person refer to AI as «potentially very wasteful». At first, I appreciated the candid and relatable remark. Then right after the conversation, I felt like a fool, to have let that one pass. AI, however helpful it is, will have a massive environmental cost. The energy and resources needed for that infrastructure are plain bogus. It’s perhaps how unfathomably massive the cost that makes AI tech appear so great. Something that expensive must be great right?
The way my toddler reflects my neurosis and all sorts of internal affairs gives me a taste of what the gurus talk about when they say: that everything close to the heart can be used as a vehicle for enlightenment. It needs to be close for the absurdity to be so sharp it produces the wildest emotions and renders the mind's projections. At least that’s what I tell myself.
According to my 2-year-old, there are not enough tractors, and everyone looks bummed in GQ magazine.
Why does Ram Dass hit so hard? Why now?
Because I’ve focused solely on pre-packaged knowledge ready for implementation. It’s not only the self-help and podcasts of the last decade but non-fiction and all books I consumed (which explained my /notes page and also why I’m done with it). However chunky and profound these were, all could be summed up in a paragraph and had an agenda: betterment of some sort. Ram Dass is the opposite: abstract and weird. I needed a mix of openness and reaching a certain degree of letting go for him to resonate. I guess I’m there, on the way with all the hippies, deluded religious GenXers, beach bums, eccentric moms, Anne Lamott…
My oldest kale plant is heroically going to flower after having been heavily infested by aphids. It has fought the hot winter, the relentless pesticide spraying, and my negligence and still manages to reproduce, here in its modest clay pot on the sad concrete patio. My resilience poster boy of the moment.
I’m retiring 2 pairs of shoes that are, according to my doctor, my wife, and modern common sense, done. The soles and sandpapered and the lining worn so on can see the shell. Both are sneakers with high-end materials that can still perform basic functions, fitting the lower standard of footwear such as dad-slippers or ship-to-charity. Do you see the moral dilemma?
I couldn’t fall asleep so I went back to my screen at 10PM to file my foreign assets declaration for taxes. I was happy to do it and also very weirded out by how I felt about it. It reminded me of a comment from a German coworker when I turned 30: “Welcome in your thirties, it’s fun and gets seriously weird”
Here is a stubborn thought I have: I’m very privileged to work a well-paid and safe job job. I could find a similar one, better paid or play the personal growth game. They are the default career trajectories. Many alternatives are possible but a lot less popular. They are societal expectations, one has to reach prime income potential, typically after 20+ years of career. In isolation, there’s nothing wrong with that model. Income growth matching increased value add thanks to experience, and expenses like college. This traditional sequence doesn’t make sense to everyone anymore (did it ever?).
For big and small decisions, I found myself tortured by this: «It’s cool but we don’t need it»
I often vehemently advocate leaving statistics and economics out of discussion to focus on ethics and morals. My philosophical anti-pragmatism doesn’t please my wife who consistently brings us back to basic definitions, often grounded in historical fact and/or economics. I want to have opinions and flex my values, loosely observe the world, and navigate it without too much effort and friction. I hold my stance while empathizing (mostly with my wife).
That said, all the AI chatter has me in a bit of a squeeze. If one keeps pragmatic ecological and economic considerations out of the discussion it makes for extreme opinions: Techno optimism or dystopian anarchy. That seems to be the state of things at the moment.
I don’t have much to offer aside from a few comments here and there as the subject surfaces in my own life.
I don’t know if having kids and/or a decade of tech is responsible for this, but my conversational EQ is getting close to world of Warcraft NPG.
Trying to keep my Bay Area tech energy in SLO has been feeling like running in Birkenstock. After 1.5 years it’s starting to clarify.
I’ve lived in California long enough to not be surprised seeing a homeless wearing a piece tech swag. Today I saw one wearing an Ironman event shirt, that’s next level, at least for me.
My memory is not great. I don’t hold grudges. I don’t keep scores. I don’t have many regrets. My wife has a great memory.
From shady parenting advice, popular psychology, spirituality and everything in between, I see is a common thread when it comes to surrendering. It doesn’t happen because one decides it or uses some kind of artificial process. It’s the breaking down of what holds reason together that makes it happen. Nothing artificial can do that. At best it can be sped up a bit.
It’s the other side of Pema Chodron's saying: nothing ever goes away without teaching you what you need to know. The teaching of something has nothing to do with the understanding of anything.
All the children's development psychology books my wife read seem more telling of civilization than kids. The hope to transcend our humanity is equally deep as futile.
Yet my second kid is getting an unfair advantage. The one of having slightly more experienced parents. I’m still winging it, but I know how it feels, and how to deal with myself which makes for an easier life for number 2. Unfortunately, awareness of that fact won’t make the coming years easier for me and number one.
To put it mildly, the wonders of life are hard to appreciate when I face a screen for more than 4 hours a day.
One of my high school friend went on to engineering school. We had about the same grades. I pursued a lower level, technical path. He (18 year old him) believed that machines would soon do the technical stuff I wanted to do. We lost touch. He ended up dropping off from engineering school to get into cooking. He is now a chef. He was way ahead of the curve(s?).
Seeing my mother-in-law transitioning from sending Huberman podcasts and Mayo Clinic’s links to referencing ChatGPT has been upsetting and illustrative of my doubts about AI tools. The new AI tools are offering, to those asking with precision and persistence, answers that look good enough to be taken at face value. At least compared to previous Google searches, whose limited value or need for contextualization was fairly evident. The preAI internet required one to confront (or not) the process of knowledge acquisition by searching sources manually, gauging quality, evaluating insights potential, to eventually take a wise decision that then may turn into some kind of wisdom through and time and experience of the topic.
The growing gap between understanding and powerlessness was maddening in my twenties. Today I’m looking forward to the ease that comes when that gap is so wide, I may even stop considering it.
This was my first full month after parental leave. I’ve been distressed by how I intuitively switched to an aggressively utilitarian approach to how I use time and space. I caught myself feeling odd navigating my own house that, a few weeks prior, I was leisurely perusing. The same garage workouts don’t feel the same.
I like bedtime tea but it makes me wake up to pee. Do you see why AI, or any other technology is useless to the conundrum of my silly life.
My kids and job at a large, mostly "legacy" tech company shields me from the political and technological madness of the moment. Exporting PNG and staying afloat with family logistics might sound like being "behind the curve". By now I’d bet a lot of those riding this curve more aggressively will come out of it with the same feeling I got from the last decade: wow, so much work, so little progress but I can use the money now…
Echoes of reason
Our community pool gates got updated but issues remain. Most people struggle with their keys and the locking mechanism is really finicky. It looks okay and is technically usable. The installation was botched. Neighbors and I have commented along the same lines: "I would have hoped that properly fixing a gate was an easy job in this day and age". That implies care for a smooth experience and knowledge of such devices. I have neither of these. Beyond HOA considerations, there’s a theme we're seeing in every facet of everyday life. We lose quality as all things get more accessible. As long as the gate opens, nobody will do much about it. This is the state of things these days. Individual autonomy comes long after a basic function. Only the bottom of the pyramid of needs is serviced by increasingly complex tools and institutions.
People often keenly reference the thing in their pocket as an example of the object they depend on yet have little knowledge of. I had a similar thought as I was folding a bunch of blankets. I have a very vague understanding of textile production but I could not make a blanket. AI, YouTube tutorials, and all sorts of online resources could make me an expert. I could then add this to my LinkedIn certifications. Make and sell blankets in a month. Yet most of the blankets I’ve ever used were made far from my bed. Not by lack of care. I love a good blanket. Because I’m not in a position to craft one and all the other necessities I’d need if I embraced this autonomy-first approach. But I care enough to be bothered by this conundrum echo after echo.
One such echo is my wife, who recently, read about microplastics and plastic waste. She felt gross, understandably so as a Costco shopper. She expressed wanting to find ways for us to reduce exposure and general waste, mostly for our kid (but also ecological concerns) – a typical Asian mom's pragmatism. The bigness of the issue is such that our actions are likely not going to meaningfully reduce our exposure, and at the global scale won’t make a dent. She insisted bulk packaging made sense for a family of 4, and that overall we are not that bad. Not to be a defeatist or lazy but these kinds of comments tell of how deep the deep denial is. If we truly cared for ecology and our kids, we would drop our Costco and Amazon memberships (amongst many others). I suggested this type of "quit cold turkey" approach to avoid falling into unsatisfying compromises where we argue pathetically about utility versus footprint. We often end up "getting the thing to get it out of our minds" which is a tragic moral failure. Do we have too much money? Do we not care enough? Are we somehow manipulated by capitalism? For me, it always ends with some sort of "into the wild" type of suggestion that irritates my wife. I get why it sounds idiotic.
To illustrate my struggle reconciling principles with consumer behavior, here is a recent anecdote: I fell for a discounted set of (fancy) mushroom chocolate. The energy one buzzed me as badly as coffee - crazy jitter and agitated for a full day (I stubbornly tried 6 times, same outcome). The sleep one I took a few days without noticing much until I could not fall asleep. I was so wired, that every attempt at closing my eyes revealed a disturbingly active mind. 1 AM revealed the culprit, the damn mushrooms. I’m 51% an idiot for buying stupid things but they are everywhere, cheap, the packaging is so good, I’m too curious, yadi yada... It’s at least the 10th product I "try". Don’t buy stuff with "adaptogenic" mushrooms. You see the rabbit hole for a measly $15 item? I get swindled by consumerism too often, which brings me back to my "into the wild" is the only way. I gotta chill — Not every decision is an act of principle. Besides, few choices are clear cuts, most of the time one has to be content with the lesser of evils.
The many 15-30 min gaps in my schedule have been testing my principles. What valuable action can be performed in such time, in between work? Even the most well-executed meditation or walk is a travesty. We are sold (or sell ourselves) coping tactics, paper cuts. It’s the accumulation that gives a serious jab at my lofty examined life. Overstimulation leads to overreacting, in grocery stores, online, or at work. I spend most of my time being reactive, pragmatically so. Feeding the soul as it’s often called, comes second. And because life’s logistics are so demanding, I rarely get to it. It took me 30 years to even realize it. I was too stuck in navigating the chaos my parents told me to prepare for, by telling me nothing about it.
So what to do about this pragmatic overstimulation? Nothing in the moment. Like the mushroom chocolate, I should have left it on the shelf. Let it be, chaos. Maybe debate a bit if there’s room but I insist on no action. A torturous, yet healthy, situation I’d like to coexist with, to ideally allow the teachings to distill.
If everything is a vehicle for enlightenment, perhaps this verbal vomit is a sign I’m far from it. I don't see the iceberg but I feel one. I can only guess what’s going on under the water. On the surface, everything feels just hard enough to stay afloat. Like a finely tuned, slightly masochistic game. How am I still employed? How am I still married? Will my kids be okay? Under the water, it’s a whole other level of awareness. The contrast between both levels of consciousness is jarring. Especially when trying to verbalize it. Left brain, right brain, intellect, and emotions, are passing the hot potato. I feel more squeezed than ever (by the smallest and pettiest, but not only). I also feel settled in my skin like never before. The chaos I perceive makes sense. Not because I fully understand it, I’m a moron.
May this odd stream of consciousness be the proof of both of these facts.
Going headless
I joined GitHub in early 2022. At the time, I was obviously clueless about the internal ongoing upcoming moves like Copilot and the focus on enterprise. I admired the homepage and the design team's work; it was the pinnacle of Web 2.0 design. I loved the WebGL globe and the buttery smooth Git line scroll animations weaving the story of the software development lifecycle through the GitHub feature ecosystem.
The shift toward enterprise software is done. GitHub is "big" tech. Open source is in everyone's heart but clearly not the money maker. This shift has led to a move away from the custom-built pages I once loved. Many of the creators of those have since moved on, likely because they anticipated what I’m about to describe.
The era of Mona's quirky stories unfurling over 10,000-pixel-long pages is gone. GitHub's website isn’t designed for developers anymore, but for decision-makers, CTOs, and technical managers, those with access to the enterprise wallets.
GitHub, like many tech companies with a growing website, is adopting a headless CMS. It makes too much sense on paper. We have a web design system, SEO and corporate marketing ambitions, limited design resources, a big budget, and an enthusiastic (and large) marketing team. What can go wrong?
It’s been 2 years and we’re starting to publish decent-looking pages. We’ve reinvented CSS, but worse, with thousands of content types, content models, and templates... This transition made me consider the true cost of custom builds. Although more resource-intensive, they offer a distinct value that few systems can replicate. That value is something designers, developers, and those who care about "quality" (in its holistic sense) notice. This is also often referred to as taste. A flexible, tastefully designed set of templates is the goal here.
I remember working on web apps where we used the WordPress API to basically do the same as what modern headless CMS does these days. It’s nothing new to offer a flexible backend and an API without a preset frontend. However, today's tech is a lot heavier, making the headless deal a lot harder to swallow.
I blame React. This headless approach promised to click with our design system seamlessly. Surely, the previous Rails stack was not designed for scale but for originality and quality. GitHub is a software company, everything started in the product monolith – Not ideal for marketing.
Like most large tech companies, GitHub design systems follow the atomic framework. The major limitation of Headless CMS is to only support Organisms (templates), not molecules or primitives. That means only a few variants of organisms (in the form of section templates) can be implemented before the backend UI becomes a hairy mess. The lack of granular control offered by layout and color primitives is the biggest loss. Balancing usability (constraints) and design quality (outcomes) is the crux of this transition.
GitHub is not an indie website, it can afford this. I question the relevance of the effort not its merit. After all, a website is a website.
What trips me up about headless CMS is the promise of needing no technical resources (design and engineering) by empowering anyone to publish pages. Even if the perfect setup accomplishes this, the time is gone. Headless is optimizing for 2016 standards, playing the good old SEO landing page game. Hearing marketing executives, we're always one landing page away from figuring out conversion.
Have you heard of AI? Does it care about our landing pages, templates or not? The people who do care—namely my fellow webmasters—are likely to be disappointed.
Saturday
I woke up at 6am after staying in an awkward comatose to give my cosleeping buddy an extra hour of sleep. That last hour used to be my me-time but since I returned to work wake up has been shaky. He climbs on me as I attempt to do a few stretches and starts to rampage through my socks. He throws me a pair as I’m on the toilet. I fail to catch it. It lands right in between my legs, in the bowl.
40min later we are done with breakfast. I force-fed him some yogurt, a mandarin, and his bowl of porridge. The only things he gladly accepted were his vitamin gummies and a spoon of honey. All that happened while he was messing with the fridge touchscreen, now covered in stickers. I need to figure out how to turn it off, it's been a year...
By 830 we are on a trail in Los Osos. I had 4 ideas for the morning I google and agonized over until he was buckled in the car. It was still very early, I felt bold and went for the furthest, riskiest option. The trailhead was hidden. We missed it. Kiddo was only interested in digging holes with the trowel we got yesterday. The slick red anodized aluminum looks cool and fits his small hands, not mine. He lost patience after a dozen holes and asked me to dig a hole every 10 steps. We were not making much progress. I replied to a few notifications and messages while waiting for him. I aborted quickly trying to be more present. I was lost in thoughts while he played with sand and sticks for about an hour. Thanks to the earplugs I kept on, I managed to get us to the top of Broderson Peak.
I carried him on my shoulders on the way down. His legs squeezing my already stiff neck was making bone-rubbing noises. The full 2.3-mile hike took us 3 hours – an infuriatingly meditative pace. We were both happy to be back in the car. I blasted the Mexican radio hoping to keep him awake. He fell asleep 5 minutes before we got home.
That evening I met a dad chilling in the pool. After a few niceties, he dropped: "Yeah, you’re meeting me in a hot tub. I was also two and done, but then I remarried". That gem kicked me out of my stream of consciousness, as if reality caught up to my neurosis. What an close to an ordinary Saturday.
On stress and dissonance
Stress is just another word for fatigue. Mechanical fatigue offers an easier, more tangible image: Things crack under pressure or resist to develop a dominant trait that allows them to endure. Physical stress is associated with failure, not what led to it, the actual stress. This spiel is hammered by countless TED talks and health influencers. I get it - stress is an evolutionary advantage. Everything after that acknowledgment is the gold many of us are sifting for.
Having kids has been taxing in all sorts of new ways. Everything is new to them and to their parents. Mechanically, kids (at least mine) are brutal. Pure (adorable) entropy. In an already entropic reality, a lot of energy is spent finding homeostasis. My mood dips a lot faster. Sleep is inconsistent. I'm rarely "primed" physically, thus mentally.
Kids have "safety objects"as a soothing mechanism. My oldest son consistently shows a more stable mood when holding a toothbrush or tubes of lip balm. I have my own superstitions I hold on to in the same fashion.
Not so metaphorically the mind eats last. Alan Watts's joke was spot on: the stomach is the mother organ. It gives to whoever needs the most. It also plays well with sleep, the stomach needs its downtime to do all of the things - there are few things I look forward to as much as my morning poop.
Speaking of output, staying creative has been a struggle, due to time and neuron availability. I like to think my kids are the squeeze that only gets the best out of me. My impostor syndrome is now coupled with performance anxiety. I'm operating at half of my previous creative capacity. I only have two kids and the luxury of a good home setup and a really nice job, and yet, the struggle is real. Two hours of focus time is a rare luxury. Breakthroughs are rare when you hear the word "tractor" repeated 1000 times per day. I go days without an interesting thought of my own.
Life is incredibly messy not because of negligence, laziness, malice, or stupidity, but by essence. Yet another truth parenthood brings into sharp relief. Working from home is added to it. Am I part of a social experiment? Alone and immobile is a terrible combo. It gets worse when the feeling of not actually being with your family adds on top of that. Every time I hear them in the room next door, I feel like I'm not there for them. I thought it would ease but no progress to report in a year.
Until recently I assumed that reducing the burn and working on myself were the most viable strategies. They are valuable, but considering the increased amplitude of the ups/downs I can confidently say that whenever I feel like I am about to break, I'm probably closer to 30% of the way there — not on the brink of it like my feelings would make me believe. The possibility of solving the root cause of my anxiety in the current system is close to zero, thus irrelevant.
That observation makes the reality of incremental betterment bearable. It put the intensity of the moment in perspective allowing a shift away from my usual (stoic) 100% brute-force approach.
Zen, stoic, nihilist, or whatever, the more one talks and thinks about stress, the deeper it goes. That’s basic. One is assumed to be able to discard some stress by establishing priorities, and matching compartments. Like if we had ballasts we could fill and empty depending on how deep want wanted to sink in our neurosis. And if we did, anyone would want to use it with reasonable reason as a captain. I believe few are willing and able to trigger stress therapeutically. Exercise is mild compared to being chased by an actual predator. There’s no deadly predator anymore yet our buttons are still there, being pushed.
—--
I started to write the above about 2 years ago, probably on a tough day. It sat on my draft for a while. I had a few more meltdowns and long days since then. I returned to work after my second parental leave a few weeks ago. Today the known 5pm crash happened. Just like my 2 babies, except that I didn’t burst out screaming (barely). I desperately ran, after I bolted away from the screen. The day was not even that hard, 3h of meetings, one of which I just had to sit through. What is even “work stress”? Screen time, performance anxiety, corporate culture...? It’s a death-by-a-thousand-cut story. Is 6 hours of screen time too much or is it the bogus 9-month project timeline with no brief?
The hardest thing as a working-from-home parent is dealing with the compartmentalization of time, brain, and space. My heart breaks when my kid catches me on my phone and asks that I play or read with him. Sometimes it is unreasonable but my anxiety around not being a good, engaged dad and worker creates a vicious push and pull. Trying to rationalize the inner turmoil has been madness. I know I can reply to that Slack message later or read this book at bedtime. Ultimately it’s the amount of tiny decisions that wears me down, not the bigness of the dilemma. There are many new tech dads around me. Although we rarely talk about it, seeing them, and knowing them around is therapeutic. The way fatigue and existential stewing manifest is fantastic to catch in the faintest idiosyncrasies.
That all reminded me of my earlier theories on stress. While enjoying my luxurious, 20 weeks-long, paid, leave, I regularly contemplated how it would be hard to be a stay-at-home dad. Nothing is easy, or simple. This time with my family allowed the significance of this fact to reverberate in a clear room. The significance of my struggle with my hyperactive kids is in sharp contrast with the insignificance of my work. I believe it is not humanly possible to live a life without significance and remain healthy. Stress is dissonance. Struggle is the process.
Notes - Feb 25
I have a very personal concept mixing a (modified) Pareto’s principle and (extrapolated) Moore's law: Technology’s role in the world will keep growing (Moore’s law) and at least 80% of it will be used for crap. Technocrats boast that even if 80% sht is conservative, goodness scales overtime too. The capital pie grows for everyone and with enough discipline, we can all enjoy it. When optimism allows, I buy it. Yay - more cake. 80% of the time, I see a shit sandwich.
Not giving a shot about all the AI news while working at GitHub feels like being a vegan working at a meat packing facility. Beyond the fact that I don’t feel threatened by AI, I genuinely believe that the echo isn’t representative of the technology. Yes, it is neat. But the news tells me that the world needs wisdom and a bit of quiet. Perhaps I’m just not in the right place right now. Perhaps I’ve pushed my tolerance to contradiction too far, or I’m about to change path.
I hear a lot of optimistic people I look up to justify their enthusiasm for technology by repeating: Few of the tech issues like anxiety and misinformation are inherently due to tech but to human social behaviors. It’s fair to say that the tech industry doesn’t hold a monopoly on idiotic leaders and abusive practices. Life has been hard and busy since the dawn of time, thus one simply needs to say yes to life. Yes Man aside, I see their point: there is no fighting, escaping, or coping alone. One should live with it by pulling each of these levers (except if a move to a cave is an option).
Tech is a lot. It has only accelerated and increased the volume of interactions and information. We are navigating and bigger, faster river on the same rudimentary canoe. Some are good paddlers, but most struggle. At some point, we get off the canoe to sit on the edge of the river to close our journey. The point of the critics remains, we are not equipped for this.
The cake tech has many layers. Some are thinner, some are creamier, and there are some stale biscuits too. Some argue that tech is now part of every level of the pyramid of needs. Some say that it’s mostly high, or figures today at the top. It’s a framework that can be bent. Most of all the systems of our society have been digitized. But we still can eat pixels and machines can’t live for us.
When arriving at an intersection or loading a page I often try to « leverage » the expected wait time. That materializes in dodgy maneuvers at intersections or opening more tabs. Realistically I should seize that time for a mini meditation rather than looking for dedicated time in the day.
Bucket list item filed: Someday, I want to cross the LA metro via the San Gabriel Greenway. Maybe on a bike. Or perhaps a kick scooter. The last one seems very slow, and weird for such a long distance but appropriate to really take it all in. It would be close to the longest, hardest way. I could also walk Craig Mod style, but I’m not quite resilient enough to even imagine experiencing LA’s industrial sprawl that close.
I met some Italian kids. We talked about driving in the US and Europe. During the conversation, one asked me how to say «the place pedestrians are» in English, which cracked me up as we were talking about how big city Italians do not seem to care about traffic rules, like sidewalks being for pedestrians only.
It is disturbing to see my kid going through the Costco monthly ad catalog like a picture book. He asks for it. But it’s very satisfying to see him confused not knowing what a TV is.
My kid melting down of frustration learning to scoot reminded me of myself learning to change a bike tire.
I shuffled around all morning looking for earplugs in various places where I usually keep a pair. Kids were rough and could have used them. All that to realize, 3 hours later that I had a pair in my shorts pockets. That’s some zen master mental warfare shit right here.
On our usual walk, my son stopped, and looked at the cars on the road next to us, other people passing by and the plane going over us. He did so with a disgruntled look on his face translating some kind of oppression or sensory overload, then melted down. I believe that is the sort of feeling I’m experiencing on work days around 4pm. A generalized bodily fuck you moment. We all experience this, and to that extent, we have come a long way since our early days, as a species and individuals. Kudos.
On that same walk, we witnessed a heron swallowing a mole rat. Kiddo watched with complete apathy.
My 2 kids embody alpha and beta releases. Alpha is clueless, bold, and insecure. Beta is a lot less ambitious and more secure. How much of that is environmental, due to the experience we give to each of them, versus what is genetic/out of our control? The perennial nature versus nurture. That question is always divisive in my household. Although my wife claims that Sapolski closed the debate. It’s turtles all the way down: the infinitely complex environment that nurtured what we are today (what seems to be our «nature») can’t be fully understood yet that shouldn’t deter us from trying stuff. Thus science, self-help, parenting advice, and a whole bunch of other theories.
Also «third kid energy» is a thing. These ones get forgotten in the car and don’t even budge.
A few years ago I was following low-carb dietary advice from cringe health influencers like Dave Asprey. Today I’m having fun eating leftover brown rice with peanut butter.
Solitude is the most effective path to creativity. There is endless nuances and content exploring this statement but that seems to be the general theme of everything on the topic. When one is alone, one does weird things.
The pull of Netflix, sports, and pornography is due to the irresistible need to admire how far our species has gone. Perhaps as reassurance for some, but obviously, great pleasure for most –to confirm that we won the survival game. We nailed it. We can now watch endless streams of the most impressive features of our species: our bodies. We are giving the finger to Mother Nature who tortured us to evolve into the marvel of biology we are today - and we in our teenage wisdom think we’re getting away with it. Cute.
There must be some absurd poetry to be found on construction sites. They are a sort of open-air slaughterhouse where the natural world gets chopped up and packaged. There are many around me that I saw evolving over the last year. The early wonder of the technology deployed was quickly replaced by disgust.
I’m absolutely okay with the idea of folding 80% of the pile of laundry. My whole being shivers at the prospect of folding it all. Just like all other tedious tasks such as cleaning the living room, sorting my inbox, and going through Slack notifications.
Finally reading Brave New World. The obsession of Huxley with the Ford production model and the assembly line makes for a horror show like first part. My first reaction was silly: «It’s The Matrix». But it’s the other way around, the Matrix is just a rebrand of Huxley. The social satire he builds is aesthetic and erudite, without the bleakness of the Matrix. I can barely understand how subversive it was received at the time of publication. But I can appreciate how the horror show it depicts maps to today. Some of the clumsy drugs and bodily manipulation are almost cute in the face of the stuff people are doing these days. We are trying very hard to create a brave new world.
The conversation between Bernard and John Lemond is so good. I was raised in a worldview where god or any spiritual was an anthropological curiosity, both characters are so dichotomic, I feel right in between, theoretically. I long for the pragmatic rationale of the Alpha and equally wish for the poetic desires of the savage.
The recurring tension between the need for community (in the form of a harmonious society) and «human nature» (beauty in all its forms, even the ugly ones like pain, oppression, disease, despair…) keeps the book interesting until the end. It’s sometimes subtle and sometimes blatant but the relentlessness spoke to me. It’s the big dilemma. To fit or escape, or whatever in between, navigating your options in a world that wants you in its gears as a consumer.
Some predictions he made are so uncanny, it’s probably why BNW is still mentioned so often. The ruling elite, test tube babies, mass censorship, and hormonal drugs are a thing today.
All the nonsense and failures of a perfectly imperfect human life seem worth sharing in this increasingly machine-slop-filled, spammy, sponsored, sweetened content era. Typos and half-baked thoughts I would have felt bad putting out there, in the shade of real writers now seem to have merit.
The decorative cairns in wellness shops are so perfect. It’s the added glue or metal stick that holds them up, not what should be: proper balance. Such a great illustration in this context. No amount of essential oil or pharmaceutical GABA will get you there. You gotta sit straight.
The great way is not difficult for those who has no preferences - this one kept coming back and cracks me up every time.
I heard this story long ago. A brilliant student gets a scholarship to go study zen in Japan. 2 months before the end of his scholarship, he goes to his master's and says that he feels behind as the close of his program arrives. The master goes hard on him with all sorts of Zen mental techniques and warfare. In the last week, the student feels lost, he’ll never get it, and gives up. Then on the last day, he gets hit: There’s nothing to learn, only to let go.
I’m a few days away from the end of my 5 month parental leave, waiting for the cathartic hit.
Neighbors and my own wife have voiced various degrees of skepticism regarding the implementation of universal basic income. The loss of productivity is problematic and scares us, commoners.
A neighbor was telling me that although he is not thrilled by Trump's 2nd run, he was glad for less liberal unrealistic optimism. I was compelled on the moment by how he casually said «I’m a bit tired of people who believe you can have something for nothing». How can you beat that? It seemed fair to acknowledge that especially here in California for sometimes acting as if money is no object. I’m personally very grateful for the generosity of the state of California, and so is my neighbor who was born and raised here. He often says it himself: «We’re so blessed». I wouldn’t pick the word blessed but I get the sentiment. We are privileged to enjoy the fruits of a wealthy state with strong liberal roots.
My dear wife spends a good of time reading all sorts of nonfiction. Her deep pragmatism likens to get the facts and know how stuff works, especially the macro stuff from long books. Productivity, efficiency, and economics captivate her and her number-friendly noggin. So loss of productivity, unemployment, social service, and taxes considerations made her skeptical. Yet she often, like me, wishes for more socialist policies. Like my neighbor who would live to see basic universal healthcare. «So you don’t worry if you break a leg, but yeah, no free heart transplant».
Is that being a centrist? A mild socialist? Reasonable? How is it so puzzling?
It puzzles me because of my inherited work ethic and equalitarian views. They are already antithetical. Even harder to contextualize in this kind of conversation. We clearly don’t need to physically toil and spend our lives oppressed by an extractive system. At the same time, we depend upon each other by playing «our part». Our Martian and capitalist ambitions have pushed these to an unhealthy state. If we all wanted to garden, have 1-2 kids and chill
«It’s kinda nice» means that you liked it, but acknowledge that it is not mainstream opinion. A typical California expression.
Most of my close neighbors probably think I’m an idiot. Because I behave like one. I try to chit-chat and always make a fool of myself. I make bogus statements. Nothing impolite but plain dumb. Perhaps in this chapter of life, I’m a doofus dad, babbling with his kid, lost in his own thoughts, sometimes trying too hard to pretend I’m not all this. I like the idea of connecting with people. I can also absolutely live without it.
Life has its seasons my wife remarked when we buzzed our toddler. He then looked like a different person, traumatized by the trim. Is hair looked more masculine, and the revealed face more feminine. She buzzed her hair postpartum. My colleagues wondered about my beard coming back from leave. A neighbor ended his long hair experiment. Nowadays my wife jokes that my next buzz is coming. Shedding and growing are two sides of the same coin.
Kiddo got in my office I ate 3x the recommended dose of mushroom chocolate I had on my (wfh) desk. I’m unsure how this is responsible for his weirdly hyper behavior of the day. He felt both over and under-stimulated. It definitely is a comical millennial parent story.
Corporate culture and self-help have given so much emphasis on the importance of focus. Single-tasking, slow productivity, and focus time have been jiving poorly with my creative ego. I seem to need multiple threads to weave something. Controlling the volume is at times challenging but the diversity and dynamic are undeniably stimulating, a positive fact in the scope of creativity. I get that without well-set boundaries and some emotional compartmentalization my approach sounds sketchy. Since I can’t create focus by putting on lofi beats during «focus sessions», I’ll stick to my torturous non-linear process.
It seems obvious but having «old» people in leadership positions makes too much sense. Young leaders are fun, well-educated and have some reasonable experience but the simple fact of having been part of the world for much longer is not just «an edge». It’s the edge. It may sound negligible but it’s not.
It is the experience of meditation that anchored finally got this home. At the moment, meditation doesn’t change much physiologically, gives little insight, and requires very little. It provides a subtle, yet profound shift in consciousness. The profundity of the change is due to the fact that reality is shaped by the mind. I see aging like meditation. It induces a shift one perceives in everything. It is slow and subtle. That shift is one of the quality of awareness.
Pragmatism only suggests to observe bodily and environmental changes. Which has been oddly unsatisfying. I have observed how my general sensitivity has dramatically changed, not just the stuff around. I know that I don’t know what it feels like to be 80. Somehow, thinking about it is pleasant these days. Probably another classic case of romanticism of mine…
It’s not chill to tell someone to chill. Similar to how Buddhist acknowledges that that suggesting to «let go» is generally unhelpful. So what to do when you or the people around are stressed out? Suppress and say nothing? Try to get creative and tactfully break the spell? Both have merits and clash with each other. At least that is what my experience of married life has hammered. I’d love for my wife to just tell me to chill. But I’m the one giving it to her when she expects me to magically figure out what bothers her (often something I did) and frame her despair in a pragmatic and emotionally sound language.
Our (California-sized) maintenance guy's small dog, is named Chicken.
On the same note, one derives significantly more pleasure by effectively using an object in its nonintended way rather than it does in the proper use case. A really inadequate name can be a much better option than the vanilla option, especially if fun is the goal.
Everyone has been giving me confused puppy eyes when I say that I don’t drink coffee or alcohol and that I gave up on cannabis… like I’m some sort of altruistic masochist. They may be ephemeral cheat codes but the benefits are so slim when they’re even one. Coffee jacks me up. I don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol, even beer is weird. Cannabis gets me depressed the day after.
I have stopped caring about GI index and glucose for a while now. I feel no difference. Not a pound has shown up. I’ve let rice and bread back in my life. I’m as unchecked as I’ve ever been. No wearable, no fitness app or goals or framework. Of all things I’d like to brag about, this is it at the moment.
I’m back at work. The first few days are very odd. Nothing has changed inside. The world is in such chaos it’s refreshing to see the absurd magic of corporate culture at play. We’re all here talking through our screens. The disconnect that often is alienating of our humanity, for once, seems to guard it effectively. After all, this is just work.
On social media
George works a corporate job and can’t escape the tech ecosystem. He learned to cope with social media. He does everything he can to avoid it. He knows what’s in the dog food. Jorge is a nurse. He enjoys social media during his breaks and uses it to stay in touch with his family abroad. He has no clue and is not interested in learning about tech companies. For him, it’s a timeline and a chat. George is Jorge's son.
Avi is a quiet New Yorker, occasionally rooting against Israel by reposting when something horrible shows up on his feed. Ari is on the ground in Israel fighting for his people's freedom and checks his feed too. If you saw their faces waking up, you couldn’t tell them apart.
Volodymyr uses social media to coordinate his community against Vladimir’s invasion. Vladimir use social media to manipulate the population of his ideological enemy, Volodymyr. Both are Slavic men living a few hundred miles away from each other. They probably had the same Neanderthal ancestors, cold and scared monkeys.
Marie uses social media to promote her corporate employer's actions. She believes in the goodness of sharing with "the world". Maria uses the same platform for her militant effort against big corporations. They both also use the platform to stay in touch with Marina, their aunt, who seems to find lots of joy in playing strange and addictive mini-farming games.
Nicholas organizes his group rides and brewery outings with friends via social media, it’s easier than group text. Nikolai does pretty much the same on the other side of the world for fishing trips, poker nights, and picking up some booze from Nico – who sells homemade Vodka as an "aside". They all do what "dudes" do. It was the same before social media and will forever be the same.
Kate, Katie, and Karen grew up in the same little town. They were friends in school. At some point, all moved away. Now social media is the last remaining link. When they see posts from each other they all wonder how they could have, one day, not so long ago, have been “friends”.
Threads of humanity and feeds of influence have us divided by screens - whatever the intentions of the ones who maintain or use social media platforms, biology doesn’t seem to allow us, humans, to live peacefully with this technology.
Dysfunctional consumer
Years of aggressive minimalism have made me a dysfunctional consumer. So much of my emotional capacity is drained by conflicting thoughts about products that get to me via various channels. The incessant ballet of delivery trucks. Costco ads in the mailbox (How is this still a thing?). The clothes and gadgets of people around me. All the marketing hitting my eyeballs directly and indirectly. All the feeds… There is little to nothing in the world that isn’t affected by what I mindlessly view as the materialization of “late-stage liberal capitalism”. I hate most things yet still “function”. That led me to label myself as a “functional nihilist”. I hate the expression as much as I think it’s accurate. I hated it. But it is a hatred that makes nothing happen. That’s how I managed to get married. I just cannot push the buy button, even for a simple sub-$20 watch. And because the all-black variant is $3 more I had to tell myself that “it’s okay”. Then, ask my wife to place the order on her parent’s Amazon Prime account. It's a mild and pathetic afflication that some call "having a problem with money".
I didn’t grow up poor, or rich. I lived the transition to the euro as a 10-year-old. I remember adults complaining about how this was a move decided by the elites and benefited them while increasing the cost of everything for the little people. At the time, the look of the coins was the most striking to me. My parents tried to make me consistently convert the new prices into old francs value (about 6x) to consider how everything got more expensive. Since then, there’s always been something loosely arbitrary about money.
Later, I moved to the US where the credit system is completely different. There was only the equivalent of a debit card in France. You could only spend what you had (lots has changed since the introduction of micro credits and e-commerce platforms). I don’t think I understand the credit score system. It seems so flawed and biased, I must be missing something. Aside from a few hiccups due to the tech, I never had major issues. The buying power gap between my countryside France and California is still, to this day, mesmerizing, freaky, and clearly messing with me. My French relative's income is at least 4 times lower in France but pays the same for most goods. A stroll in REI with my mom who loves outdoor gear made this painfully obvious.
Crypto landed at a peculiar time for me (and the rest of the world it seems). It (re)opens for consideration the concept of money as a ledger. I’m not a child anymore nor fully vested/retired. The critics saying that it’s just "weird internet money" sound the same as the first merchants exchanging coins for good instead of the previous system (barter?). Internet and politics surely are making the topic convoluted, to say the least. The meanderings of crypto seem to match the dynamics I see in other sectors like energy or health: the perennial battle between technocrats and the establishment. I remain on the sidelines, occasionally working on crypto projects, curious, and always entertained.
Money is a means to an end. That’s all I can safely assert. At the moment I can’t buy honey at the farmers market with crypto. But if someday I can, I won’t be mad about it. Money already has so many shapes. A few years ago, it felt bizarre to pay with my phone for groceries, although I knew that it was “just” a virtual card. The ever-slimmer feedback and friction go against the attention my parents taught me to cultivate when it comes to spending money.
Today I passed in front of our local beekeepers who sell pieces of honeycomb. The texture, color, and shape are such a delight to my eye, it is jarring to see the $20 label attached to it. So I write, hoping to untangle a bit of the funky concept of money with words. Money is a fuzzy concept that has puzzled many over the ages, so I don't feel too bad for myself. It tells of what we, as a species, value. Sometimes it’s ugly. Apparently, I value the idea of being a disciplined and wealthy person more than enjoying a piece of honeycomb. What a sad way to live right?
I live a very financially comfortable life, now without the pressure of a mortgage. It should feel like bliss, such a luxury, so little income pressure!! All this work, to get all this money that I can’t resolve myself to (very reasonably) spend. It makes too much sense in my ironic worldview. Once again showing the limits of my evolved ape psyche. I feel the pain of feeding the absurd, knowing I missed out on honeycomb.
It’s well known: Money is a means to an end – you can’t eat money. In the words of T. Merton, pragmatism has me “concerned with practicality and efficiency; that is, with means, not ends”. I understand how I got there. I’m not alone. How to steer the boat? I bought the $20 honeycomb today. It was glorious because it had to. It felt like eating my feelings.
Note dump :: Jan 2025
All the (electrical) home-reliance gadgetry here in California really makes me empathize with those in Utah betting their survival on canned food and pickles.
Pair the exquisite complexity of human biomechanics with the fact that one will inevitably and constantly have something that feels off, and you’ll understand why chiropractors and physical therapists will always be solicited. Beyond this, I ponder how this condition is inherent to being a living thing made of flesh and bones. Thus we’re trying to “fix” being alive, which won’t go anywhere. Thus meditation. I’m so clever.
I made my website repo private and deleted it 5 minutes later. The contribution graph bizarrely keeps me hooked. My web hosting backs it up every night. I don’t need it. Seriously, I edit files on the fly directly on the live server via FTP. I don’t build “software”. It’s a static, personal, dumb, website. It feels like a victorious little death.
We got a double jogging stroller. $180 from Facebook marketplace, a (pretty good?!) find from the wife. The thing is big and smooth. I understand why homeless people use these. I would be able to fit my whole life in there.
A Costco membership and a garage gym seem to yield a very specific physique, commonly called “buff”. I have nothing against it. I'm actually pretty jealous but I can’t eat that much. Mine is “chicken thighs and pushups at the park”.
I tried to read Thomas Merton, Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander. I don’t understand most of the theology, and I’m not interested in his taste for poetry – So I’m giving up. That said, I like his candor and tone. There are a few topics like pragmatism and capitalism where the first pages are hilariously convincing but goes on for 3+ pages to end in odd theological corners I have little interest in. The Eastern culture stuff and random notes weaved through are refreshing, especially considering the publication date. I get why he is so widely appreciated, maybe I’ll come back to him later in life.
One passage will stay with me: Merton recollects a boring seminar where he did breathing exercises and other meditative practices during the whole thing. He points out his detachment from the poor quality of the experience and how he was able to enjoy something that was objectively not great.
I’m done (at least for a while) with witty-silly titles. The time and emotional energy I’ve put into finding titles for posts on this blog is quite alarming. It also signals a desire to tease potential readers. That all feels wrong. I always write about a theme that I explore via a few personal stories and comments. Instead of making it quirky and unique, I’m opting for a basic “On (theme)”… until my next fart.
Meeting my parents as a parent made me appreciate the circular nature of life and what good advice is: stating an obvious fact at the right time. It would sound cliche or basic in other contexts, but well timed, it can have major resonance. Restraint from the generation before can then meet the effort of the new one.
I stood up too fast at the park and lost blood flow to my head. This time long enough to have the brief no-mind moment. That reminded me of the zen idea of observing the body without the noise of the mind. I fainted a few times and that’s what I remember of the seconds before passing out. A vaguely pleasant sense of weightlessness. Today I was a bit sick and after a few weeks of cold weather, the sun hit me harder than usual. I maintained that pre-faint state for a solid 15 sec while hanging from a bar at the park.
Someone dumped a bunch of fancy toys at one of our local parks. Each truck had the name of its lucky original owner, a kiddo named “Denim”? My kids love the trucks. It’s the full set of Bruder construction trucks, probably around $300. Each has a broken part but aged well. I remember these from my own childhood. The copyright plate says 2002. So I guess these haven’t changed since then — which would make these quite a lucrative business.
One day you are young, then you update your OS and get mad, watch people stretching on YouTube, download illegally literature you once refused to read in class, buy a dumb watch, complain about smart appliances, rub coconut oil and marvel at its wonders, thinks kick scooters are cool
The contrast between the texture of old people's skin and hair and modern technical apparel, perfectly smooth and ultra-bright, is jarring to my eyes. The refusal of impermanence seems too obvious. People can wear whatever they wan’t, don’t read me wrong. This is just an expression of my senses connecting to my philosophy, looking for a soul in things, poetry, charm... I can't find beauty in bright orange gore-tex...
Food > Stuff > Virtual stuff
When something bothers me, I still google it. I’m a modern doofus, Healthline is better than WebMD but still basic. I prefer mayoclinic.com. Most of the time it’s the same information everywhere, which I either already know, or is relevant but irrelevant to me. I spent years stuck in this weird stress-inducing pattern. I need to reach a bad level of confusion to get there. I’ve come to realize that I either need to wait it out (for most little, very annoying things), not do anything (because it’s not actually bad), or do something really basic (like rest, ice, compress, elevate, stretch, warm). The googling has solely been in the way of cathartic realization about health. Slowing down or completely blocking the process. Because somebody out there must know better.
I never consistently used Ricola during a cold episode until this month. It’s nice, it makes coughing pleasantly tasty. But it’s candy. We got a ridiculous pack from Costco. My phlegm for the next 3 years is going to be deliciously citrusy.
- Meditation with sleeping babies might be the equivalent of Yoga with goats.
- Everyone wants and loves freedom, not just America. American freedom is absolute and can be calculated in dollars. It’s very expensive and was enabled by a concourse of circumstances that made it the recipient of an absurd amount of capitalism’s gains. Nobody defines freedom the same way. In our ever-more globalized world, most seem to agree that money is a vehicle for freedom and autonomy. It allows one to purchase the time or stuff needed to fulfill whatever one calls freedom. Socialists define freedom as collective autonomy, which provides some freedom to each individual.
Although it looks a bit small the Casio 3294 is the companion I was looking for. My 5-star review is not needed for this already greatly acknowledged timepiece. Nonetheless, I confirm its greatness. It feels like a bracelet and provides the accurate timekeeping one would want while looking like a reasonable watch.
I was on my phone while my son was talking to me. He asked me what were the towers in the distance while pointing at the cellular network tower on top of a hill. I told him what it is and it looked at it with an intense look. In my mind I pictured him sabotaging towers and how this could be a new kind of terrorism stemming from a generation raised by phone-addicted parents. There’s probably already a book exploring this…
Farmers market apples are so dramatically superior to fancy organic store ones. I forget every time until I swallow the 2x or 3x price at the farmer's market. Hard to argue that it’s not at least twice tastier.
The beard is growing. I’m looking more and more like my heroes, Beau Miles, Robert Sapolski, Ram Dass, Rick Rubin. For the non-beard connoisseur, I probably look more like a homeless or someone who knows about gardening (or kombucha).
When undistracted I often do exactly the same as my 2-year-old. I reflexively describe what’s in sight.
« For anything, the potential for a shared standard of care depends on an equally agreed upon standard of function, which is highly unlikely. Some people are very okay chugging ice cream and only walking their dogs, that, doesn’t require much care. Exercising like an athlete for the same is equally dumb if not more. Beyond healthcare, look at people’s cars. » - heard from a buff old guy wearing a dirty Hawaiian shirt in the chocolate section at Trader Joe’s.
Listening to my kid babbling and having fun making sounds, learning to talk. That puts in perspective letters, words, and all the concepts I internalized. It takes a real effort for me to let him be a kid. After 4 months of parental leave, I hope to be able to be normal again, quickly. At the moment, I have random bouts of toddler dah-kah-dee-doo throughout the day.
I have been neither in the real world, nor online. I interacted only with my family and a few random locals for 5 months. There have been ups and downs but nothing like what the rest of the world seemed to have experienced.
I hear that it isn’t a democracy-promoting behavior. At this point being a decent dad is my best contribution to this great big blue rock.
Going to the pool when everyone wears puffy jacket + beanie is better than being the biggest dude in the gym.
Webflow did to web design what gyms did to fitness.
There is a whole category of services. Things that you can do yourself right here right now, but cant afford to pay for. You know you’re not « putting your money to work », you’re just lazy. If that service involves a person telling your something you already know (like a doctor, therapist, plumber…) it is the sign of something worse: deny. How many people out there go to therapy to treat their procrastination while using instacart? Should one have empathy for these poor souls? Is this unhealthy shaming?
My son knows every house around and has his little habits. One of his favorites is on with a few wind chimes. These are particularly low which allows him to make them sing with his hands. The owner, a lovely old lady, surprised him today. I’m used to the polite dance that goes: sorry to intrude on your property, but I know it’s very probably okay because it’s just my supervised and cute kid roaming around. She was very friendly and like all neighbors, welcomed us to come back anytime. She sent us off by noting that 2 of the wind chimes are commemorative pieces for her husband and son who passed away last year. This short interaction moved me. I was in a bad mood.
On reading blogs
I tried a few RSS readers because that's what people who read blogs do. I used Feedbin for a week – nice app. Not for me. I get that it’s better than drinking from the firsue hose of social media. RSS allows to curate feeds, which is a lot of work. I loaded up a few feeds into Feedbin and got a cascade of stuff, yet another feed. My own feed, how lovely. The glaring problem is that If I have a feed, I’ll check it to juice some miserable dopamine out of it. Save me from myself. RSS you are merely the hippie cousin of big daddy Meta.
That said, If you want to shove my feed up your feed, feel free to do so (before I decide to blast it, my finger is hovering the “delete” key at the moment). Regardless, there’s only title, link, and date. Consider visiting my URL for the full experience (award-winning white space), it’s not too far.
Anyhow, losing the experience of being on someone's little corner of the internet is what I like about the experience of blogs. Even if I come back often and I don’t like the design. I love how personal it feels in contrast to everything else on the internet. I appreciate quirky stuff (just in case I need to spell this). Also, generally speaking, I minimize the amount of apps in my ecosystem and prefer files. I’m old school, I have a text file as my blogroll and edit .md files via FTP.
Side note: I’m not a fan of feed-style blogs. Those with super short notes that reminisce of Twitter. To me, that smells like the vegan burger dilemma. It’s fine to want to opt out of social media, just don’t make your own and think you escaped the matrix. I get that having a blog is not the same tech as mainstream social media but… it’s still the same UX and vibe. It is hard to refrain, I know, after decades of abuse, relapse is quick. Login with X! Continue with Google! This kind of post is as close as I allow myself to the ugly beast. And honestly, I wish I could just let go of most of these thoughts without an outlet. At least I’m not boring you with the details of my blog setup and my writing process.
The «not by AI» badge and project make me laugh very hard. I get the urge to resist AI. Slop has been around for ages, we used to call this spam a few years ago. But if your stuff is indistinguishable from slop, maybe… you see where I’m going. It’s not nice. I know. Some people just want a nice badge to sew on their jeans jackets. The ones who prefer to make an “AI statement” seem more mature. I may write one at some point, but I would need to give a crap.
Harari and Attia
The times are weird. Much to say – much to read. In my bookmarks, there's Y.N Harari's latest book, Nexus. The topic is appealing due to AI salience in the current landscape. He offers a broad historical and opinionated take on human communication, digestible for dumb dumbs like me, who want to go beyond the TED talk. That was what convinced me to read his first two books (and my wife insisting). It’s entertaining to read, with memorable nuggets, typical of the now-common, science populism genre. Without even reading it, the cover is pretty evocative: a pigeon — who used to be our messengers as an image of the many flaws and iterations of human communication.
I read an hour of it on a quiet morning after reading a critique of Harari, initially just to make sure I would not leave it to someone's interpretation. I'm aware it was an odd biased-trying-not-to-be way to get into it. I learned more about my recent intellectual journey than anything else. My limited scientific knowledge won’t be significantly uplifted by reading one book (however good the book is). It may be entertaining and material for discussion, which in itself, are good reasons to read. However, it is not going to make me the expert my ego thinks I am after finishing the book. That is an instinct very hard to fight. It’s too easy to explain: reading a book is a big cognitive investment that must be rewarded, and since I’m not getting a diploma, my ego gives himself a nice “I read about it” badge. Intellectual evangelists like Harari and Attia cultivate our curiosity while our egos feel way too emboldened by, still, very partial knowledge. That is commonly called “influence”. The tease of self-improvement, cognitive and physical is irresistible for monkeys like me (and everyone considering statistics). Every mammal wants an easier, better, longer life, right?
I didn’t experience a sudden interest in longevity after getting kids. My interest started years ago and progressively faded. Reading Outlive by Peter Attia crystallized everything that turns me on and off about longevity. Attia makes a comprehensive and compelling proposition for optimizing the process of aging. It’s easy to get convinced that optimizing is the logical thing to do. We’ve all accepted industrial pragmatism: if we can improve something, we should do so. That simple motto is what got us here as a species.
Attia is giving me a taste of Harari’s vision in 21 lessons for the 21st century, extended in Nexus. A future where the elites outlive the masses. Fancy gyms, supplements, cybernetics, and all sorts of (expensive) protocols already available are a mere preview. The product range of today is already starting to compete with recent science fiction (or at least promises to). Attia offers a new take on an ancient obsession: longevity.
He knows the nature of the beast and embraces an agreeable techno/pragmatic approach. Though “squaring the curve” and skipping the decline seems an unhealthy mental model that will fuel the already competitive fitness culture growing all over the world. The premise is honest and rooted in avoiding the main causes of death. The theoretical basis is explained by the lofty goals of our elites for their 70s or 80s (apparently they still want to ski, drive race cars, deadlift…), telling of a state of denial of the reality of aging itself. These goals then require incredible standards and arsenal leading to the barrage of #longevity content. Outlive’s last chapter, on mental health, gave me the final blow. The honest and personal story of Peter's emotional development is relatable, and a dramatic end-cap to the book. Meaning and emotional connection are base of a good life. Without them, everything before has no substance. That’s why parents smile at their kids asking for a gym membership, and why old people smile at the midlife crisis joggers. It’s all part of the process.
I arrived in California primed for my bro years to be spent consuming all sorts of bio-hacking and self-improvement content. I was a clean slate coming from countryside France, easy to influence, and boy, I got my dose (morning run, cold shower, skip breakfast, anyone?). Now, I contemplate how I went full circle. From the countryside to the tech epicenter, I am now craving a return to a quieter environment where the sirens are avoidable. Like Heidegger seeking a return to a peasant-like original state. The philosophical “good life” is consistently in opposition to contemporary trends. There are also those bending schools of thought like stoicism, promising to conjugate wisdom from the past with the world of today.
This rhetoric has appeared in parallel to camouflage dissonance with the traditional view of aging. Growing old is trading physical capacity for something else equally rewarding. The decline of traditional lifestyles and the weakening of family structures, make this view less enticing. Modern individuals want to milk life until the end and delay the end as much as possible. But our gregarious software won’t let us feel good about it. The ones who fared the best (live long and happy), haven’t rigged the game or broke out of the matrix. They chill in the margins. In Contrast with modern influencers, traditions from all ages and cultures urge us to free ourselves of our own manufactured anxieties.
Our technology, as brilliant as it is, won’t satisfy our deepest needs. Health shouldn’t be reduced to metrics. It’s how you feel when you wake up. It’s what you look like in the mirror. Care is attention – to oneself and everything around. Aging adjusts priorities and reduces options, inevitably. Some beauty can only be perceived at a slow pace, allowing the senses to appreciate the ease of simply being.
Jim Gaffigan jokes “We all want to live longer… but how long? Should having to pay for a wedding in 20 years make me want to live longer?” – I’m getting to an age where humor stings as much as it soothes. Seeing some old folks deep wrinkles and perpetual frown proves Gaffigan’s point. There is no great wisdom or insight in how to live, eat, think, or age well. Certainly not in “New York Times best seller”.
Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. That’s it. The pragmatic minds won’t like the metaphorical rhetoric. That’s not material for a book or even a decent joke. It’s not helpful either. That’s the curriculum of human life. Use the body that you are. Balance software and hardware and you’ll be fine. I’m sure Attia and Harari agree.
Mindfully not Zen
6AM - I found myself unsettled, trying hard to sit still, shall I say – to meditate. I had committed the deadly sin of replying to an email before that. After 5 minutes of box breathing, I knew I would not get anywhere unless spending all my precious quiet time. I knew such forceful trying was antithetical to the letting go meditation calls for — So I stood up, stretched a bit, and made myself a cup of tea. I was stuck in the clouds of my very awake brain. Today’s mindfulness game was lost. I could tell by tasting the tea. The delightful sting of peppermint mint on a clean palate and a clear mind was not there. So I gave up and got back to the computer. I was able to satisfyingly work through my to-do list. Perhaps today was meant to be a work morning. Quiet and busy go together. The mind needs to experience busyness to appreciate the quiet. Still, a slightly defeated feeling inhabited me as my son woke up.
There is nothing wrong with maximizing the first hour. It’s the best creative juice. It’s the remaining buzz that makes me prone to distraction who's the killer. Is it worth it? Is the question even relevant? The questioning tells of an unease. The contemplative path has always been competing with the pragmatism of an active life.
To work around this conundrum, I used to use the waking app to fit the practice in my digital ecosystem. Since kiddos entered the game, I decided to let practice follow the flow of life. Busy times aren't an easy fit for meditation. I haven’t practiced regularly in months, which explains my morning struggles. Focus doesn't come back quick. Behavioral changes take time for old donkeys like me.
Proper sitting meditation has gained so much popularity lately. A sort of spiritual materialism is taking over. According to the big guys, one needs to practice to deserve the spiritual goodies. Carried away by my lack of discipline I forget that mundanity is also a gateway. It's actually the preferred one in other traditions like Zen. Modern mindfulness flooded the marketplace with tools to cope, in response to philosophy's cryptic observations. With Zen, everything is, sometimes absurdly, compatible. I don’t totally understand it but I like the tone and approach, which seems fitting. That difference has been huge for me, as a father, and more broadly, as a grump.
Here is an example:
- Mindfulness: kids are being kids, here is how to deal with yourself, calmly. Step 1, 2, 3. Set a reminder to come back at it.
- Zen: Kids. Adults. Crazy. Calm. It all makes sense.
Being with my kid full-time flexes me — hard. Care is attention, a strenuous exercise at times. Cleaning is my meditation of choice. A calf stretch is my favorite — Recovering from a meltdown, my least favorite one. Not every moment is easy to put into perspective — I’m “very not Zen” as my wife says. Which is perfect, I’m struggling, and somehow, it makes sense right here, right now. Failing, barely cutting it, unsatisfyingly winging it… Mindfulness practice aims to get more comfortable starting over and over again – a humbling (and tedious) exercise but nowhere as profound as taking it all in, often, right in the face.
I thought my grumpiness was due to not knowing what I wanted out of life. That – somehow all the shit around was messing with my inner compass, thus the worthiness of mindfulness practice. As I embrace Zen, I face the fact that, at the bottom of my heart, I really like shitting on everything, especially myself. Like if I was pre-enlightened, chipping away at my ego. That grandly idiotic realization is fun for me and hopefully somehow empowering.
Long live Read.cv
Readcv is winding down. The design was lovely. To me, it was a therapeutic outlet to offset the LinkedIn cringe and my dribbble frustration. Its delightful narrow container and left-aligned-everything will stay in my mental archive. Readcv offered a genuinely new take on designer platforms. No feature was particularly revolutionary but the execution was clearly a notch above all others. Sites were so much better than Dribbble. Posts were neat with mixed media, a better feed experience than Behance's Instagram-stories-inspired UI. And of course, the minimalist CV-like profiles that embodied the understated aesthetic of the platform. It worked flawlessly (not like layers.to, sorry for the jab) and the few UX quirks were almost endearing (at least easily forgiven — writings nesting was odd IMO).
I can imagine that the crew is getting some crap for «selling out» to big AI money, along with cheerful messages. All this reminds me of Ueno Studio acquisition by Twitter. It’s often better to come out on top. They accomplished something and I can only imagine how hard it is to make it work financially. Their talent was recognized and got them a ticket to something else. Good on them.
I love that they’re properly shutting it down. The internet is losing a social platform, how sad is it? How much does it matter? This is all software. This or whatever is coming next. Readcv is dead – Long live readcv.
On friction and texture
This is my entry for January’s IndieWeb Carnival, hosted by V.H. Belvadi. This a first for me. The topic of this month is timely. It was the push I needed for stuck in my draft folder.
Most things I use, especially digital products don’t make me feel anything on an emotional level, mostly by design. Frictionless is the default product design motto. It’s not only apps. It has become distressing to think about the cluster of stuff around me that I’m not emotionally connected to, yet still depend upon. I recently saw an (ironic?) bumper sticker stating “connected to everything, attached to nothing” - a sign of how this feeling permeates culture.
Life's daily logistics is an anthropic process. I'm not trying to argue that life was better in the past, it certainly was less complicated. The complexity of modern life calls for modern tools. A lot of tools. Better ergonomics and production capabilities allowed us to scale (sorry for the gross oversimplification). There are 2 holistic ways to deal with this: let the stuff pile up, or limit your tools/introduce friction. The second is the most demanding, potentially yielding greater autonomy and appreciation.
Appreciation for good products is nothing new. Traditional craftsmanship where form and function create something delightful to use and as a companion is common in many cultures. Today our phones eclipsed most companion-type-objects. It has been said many times since the advent of the iPhone: The lack of tactile dimensions of our phones is an insult to our exceptional sensory capabilities.
The cult of certain rituals like the drip coffee-making or the film photography comeback a lot of millennials enjoys signals a desperate attempt at recapturing some of that loss. Stretching this very far, I’d say that this could explain the insane growth in pet ownership. The loneliness epidemic could be in part explained by the vanishing physical dimension (connection) of human existence.
Man-made, refined, objects lack texture. In nature, nothing is perfectly smooth, there is always a slight grain. We often pay extra for a bit of “natural” texture. Raw-looking metals are appreciated for that reason. Brushed titanium is trendy these days, it looks rough, real, worth something. Some products are praised for their texture creating an experience beyond practical and/or aesthetic. Even on-screen experiences can be seen in such ways. The web has a grain said Franck Chimero back in 2015. Websites have a very paculiar texture materializing through the look of links, the pixelation of type, the blink of a page load. Ultra smooth, instant, feedback-less experiences have been fading this grain, at a loss. That is why I love the IndieWeb, a place where form and function are equally considered. Where the personality of the individuals is expressed through (sometimes) small, yet perceptible details, that reminisce of human quirks. The constant and subtle evolution of personal sites is fascinating. Like a sort of web-anthropologist process I observe changes, visits after visits: layout, headlines, navigation, icons, comments in the code, time stamp format, process posts…
We have an innate taste for “natural” patterns, clearly explained by the theory of evolution. For ages, our biological machinery was built upon the environment that hosts us. An environment rich in texture and requiring effort to survive. Thus we feel nature's infinite complexity through the dense patterns we can (and can’t) see and touch and need some kind of friction. Holding a piece of wood. Warmth of sunlight. Carrying water. Feeling cold and warming up. Staring at lichen, moss, clouds, the night sky… Poetry explores the perfect match between our perception ability and the wiggly density of natural elements. There is something profound to «analog» perception. Consider drawing from real life vs a flat image, or observe one minute passing an analog watch vs analog watch face on a smartwatch. Even a high-fidelity 3D projection can’t fully recreate the infinitely complex and unique attributes our eyes perceive.
We are starving for complex interactions and sensory inputs. There is very little intuition involved in handling ergonomically optimized objects. We handle objects, not materials. The processed food dilemma applies to our sensory organs. The tics and hacks we are using to cope are leaving us on edge. Introducing some friction and connection to “real” stuff is going to be increasingly crucial to preserving some humanity in our (consumer) lives.
On UI kits
Many UI kits (frameworks, Design kits, component libraries…) are selling an easy path to a quick build. Most of the big ones out there offer a pretty comprehensive package for a low price (compared to hiring). The drawbacks are easy to grasp and clearly incompatible with long term growth and maintenance. Originality, flexibility, and custom requirements are always part of a project’s priorities, thus rarely make UI kits the ideal choice. That understandably doesn’t scare the 0-to-1 startup crowd.
The one who stuck around the longest in my design journey was The (twitter) bootstrap. I used it mainly for the grid and utility classes. I dropped it and made my own since I was using maybe 5% of it. I also toyed around Untitled UI because friends asks me about it. I saw it on dribbble and even got back to it a few times for pricing layout inspiration. I didn’t go very far once in Figma. I felt creatively constricted. Perhaps product designers are more comfortable in this type of templated environment.
I know many designers who, like me, tried UI kits, by curiosity or at the occasion of a project. None ended up using them for anything more than inspiration. Some struggled to work with them. Maybe it’s a generation thing… but that genuinely makes me wonder if UI kits are truly helpful. The chatter seems greater than the benefits. I witnessed their uprising since my debut on dribbble. Big UI design names packaged their best stuff in hope of passive income. Today open source design systems from big companies have joined the party. The libraries are plenty and ever more sophisticated. Figma lubricated the whole thing. Anyone is one click away from duplicating the perfect template directly in their project. Indie UI kits often end up being used without much customization and look like borderline plagiarism, and/or boring. Big design systems are underused, cluttering files. How hard is it to make a button component? Do we need all this arsenal?
Many kits boast hundreds of users and installs/downloads. It is a thing. So it must be financially viable for the creators and maintainers and provide enough value to the users. I can live with that… but I’m doubting the quotes I see in the testimonial sections. Does everyone use these tools then build custom upon them? Used only for early stage MVPs then everything gets rebuilt custom? Are they slowly depreciated? Kept around forever because they work so well?
Perhaps my questions and reactions are signs of how disconnected I am from the design world. Keep me honest and feel free to reach out.
On technical knowledge
Over my 8 years in California, I’ve met many immigrants who, like me, found a way in the US thanks to a “generalist education.” Being a generalist (or at least multidisciplinary) in an increasingly specialized workforce is an incredible edge. That same dynamic (combined with a lack of courage) led to general contractors billing $150/h (rightfully).
In high school, I learned technical drawing on paper, doing manual projections then a few simple shapes in SolidWorks on crappy classroom computer (windows XP memories anyone?). I was told: do your best with little, you’ll do great with better when you’ll be working a “real” job. The current generation jumps straight into professional software because that’s what employers are looking for based on (bogus) job descriptions you can find on LinkedIn. I didn’t have a laptop. I was 16. Constraint breeds something. I didn’t end up using that specific skill but I definitely believe it shapes the web designer I am today.
Everyone knows not to expedite or skip the warm-up. There is a lot to it, even (especially) intellectually. It’s what we call trusting the process. It’s what the seniors mean when they say “Easy! How did you get that?”. They can smell shortcuts. They have the scars of having tried them themselves. They honed their craft for years. Corporate culture is centered around shortcuts. MVP, minimum effective dose, scrappy, bias toward action… it has many names.
The “Move fast break things” ethos bleeding across industries is scary. If a server crashes, nobody dies but when planes or rockets explode, it’s a different story. Engineering as a discipline is crossing a critical milestone. The seniors are retiring or (rightfully) milking the corporations as consultants. It is felt across many industries. I believe that Sustainability as a goal in the corporate world is largely the result of the “tech debt” induced by the lack of senior mentorship. Design systems in the design/tech space are a great example of an attempt at reducing debt and risk due to turnover. Today, AI promises to store all humane knowledge and make it available and digestible to newcomers. Can it?
I see a parallel with Zen philosophy where the concepts are relatively simple but can’t replace first-hand experience. Enlightenment is a simple idea, sitting for hours, for years of doing cryptic rituals is something else. Experience requires time and effort that few are willing to put in… or foster. Education as an institution is mixed on how to solve this, but it seems to be aware of the loss of intellectual autonomy of each generation. AI is the next leap, similar to the transition from the slide rule (hand-operated mechanical calculator) to electronic calculators in the 70s. No organization wants to slow down progress. At the same time, knowledge about the different levels of abstraction of each technology gets lost along the way. I don’t know how to use a sliding scale. I don't even know half of the functions of a scientific calculator. Each of us knows less and less about the stuff we depend on. Some of it is normal, some is imprudent. We are witnessing an example of this phenomenon as America is trying to bring home chip manufacturing. Can we do it? Should we do it?
Engineering is a fascinating window into a culture. I love all the stories about Japanese software development. They are so wild. Often about low-level programming languages like assembly, involving massive teams, at large scale, with high standards for test and quality. No tolerance for failure. Suicide rates and insane mega corporations are only a tiny subset of the many facets of Japanese culture.
The US is the complete opposite. With massive capital, it can afford failure and has embraced it (It paid good dividends). Like yin and yang, both approaches make sense. The existence of one justifies the other. Nevertheless one relies a lot more on material resources while the other on human capital. The economic pressure for innovation to fuel growth makes me favor autonomy and human capital.
Another example: The Apollo 11 Guidance Computer (AGC) source code for the command and lunar modules was 3.47 MB got man on the moon. All were coded in assembly written in 1969. Today apps are thousands of times heavier than that. I’d argue that few have benefited humanity anywhere near on a Byte:Byte ratio.
The counterargument to my techno-skepticism is simple and strong: incremental gain requires optimization. Something needs to be sped up, abstracted, or both. We can’t rely on mere knowledge accumulation at the individual level. One cannot know everything there is to know about electrical systems from the chemical composition of transistors all the way to the latest data transfer protocols (Though some freak out there are pretty close). Personally, I’m equally scared by catastrophic (hypothetical) scenarios as I’m appreciative of the comfort technology provides. So I (delusionally) defuse my fears with podcasts and blogs hoping to vaguely know “how stuff works”. On the flip side, higher education keeps getting less and less accessible. Because proper transmission of knowledge takes time and resources. 2 things money can buy. For how long?
Cringe and All
Writing this year has been about lamentation, contemplation and consolation (similar to Ann Lamott, “Help, Thanks, Wow” book, which I appreciated). The last part is the therapeutic bit that kept me going. My prose and life experiences have nothing grand, which regularly makes me want to terminate this blog. My wife recently repeatedly mentioned that I’ve been writing “more seriously” which doesn’t feel right. I’ve written more than ever. Initially it’s the making of the blog itself that powered the enthusiasm. Then reading more made me want to “participate”. Now that’s it’s been a year, I’m torn.
It stings when I read something relatable and very well worded. Like a good stretch, it’s a good sting. A hormetic pain, sharp enough to remind me that we are all sharing the same experience while our lives have wildly different shapes.
The thoughts and images that one holds onto are telling. Writing has been the excavation of these. A tedious and satisfying process - like digging a hole. Re-reading a draft still feels gross like listening to a recording of my own voice. When a draft takes too long it degenerates. Too many topics, weak threading, cryptic jokes… always reflecting the moment. It’s describing the unique details, often soon after the happening that creates the texture I love.
Like right now. Typing these words over my 8 weeks old loaded on my chest, in one of supposedly ergonomic carrier, hunched, in the rain. One hand typing on my iPhone 13 mini (so uncomfortable), the other holding the umbrella. Losing my pants, as always. Semi wet. Wandering around avoiding puddles. I’m out of the house, in the margins of life, loving it.
Today I understand better the worthiness of writing about seemingly mundane things or topics that have been extensively developed. The transience of all things makes any thought, new and potentially of value to someone. I’ve stoically forced this upon my narrow mind, post after post, trying to work on my cringe endurance. There’s going to be some (more) cringe in your life, my wife assured me over breakfast. It’s a different version of me that (re)started this blog. One that hoping to exorcise it out.
Cringe aside, it’s the toll on my capacity to be present that is the killer. I gave most of my scarce quiet time to writing instead of facing the cloud of thoughts. However witty or phony I think my stories are, I’m just trying to beat the mind at its game. I know I won’t. Just like with my 2 kids. I won’t win the game, whatever I think the game is. Hat tip to those who make writing work. I read a few really good parents memoir, and I know journaling is working for quite a few folks. Every time I question the value of the process, petty like a teen begging to be an adult. The milestones are clearer but further. The fast pace of my twenties is over. The transition is cringe to the 20 year bits left in me.
It’s that time again. Time to get bored in parks. To soak in the early morning quiet time. And let the moments in between be white space. Reducing output is a type of discipline I’ve never practiced for very long (Although I’m convinced of its virtues). Once again, I feel a bit more enlightened, sharper than the doofus yesterday but definitely not as attuned as the dude tomorrow.
That’s the untold secret of the holiday season right?
Note dump :: Dec 2024
I’ve passed the halfway mark of my parental leave. I see tech from the outside, by reading about it mostly on independent blogs. It’s awesome. All the AI chatter is once again showing the immaturity of the industry, the lack of real substance and vision, wave after wave. The sidelines are the best place to observe. I’m happy to be there today. I’ll come back to tech work after my leave as a whole new person. A dad of two, but also a readjusted brain. I just want to make nice websites, there is already lots to say about web design, a topic that may appear to all more and more boring as time passes. AI or not, the influx of messages has only increased and the optimism is contagious. I’m still pretty ignorant and spending a lot of energy defusing triggers. I’m feeling behind on the tech and the trends but sharper than ever in my process.
The extent of the instrumentalization of walking by the wanna-be mindful is telling of clouds obscuring our minds.
I read a lot of Derek Sivers's stuff. I don’t like his aggressively succinct writing style. I would love more granularity. He clearly has a lot going on in his mind, I’m left hanging. There is a wide gap between what he offers and large volume books he thinks would be too noisy. It’s so short and to the point leaving little for debate. That makes his content adequate for the modern, low-attention span audience, but I’m very skeptical it is perceived as the invitation to inquire Derek wants it to be. After a few days of exposure, it ends up feeling quite shallow and loose. However he is growing on me as a character in my mental crowd. He is clearly having a blast and I love his process. It’s rare (and important) to have nothing in common with someone and yet be drawn to their stuff. That’s what Derek is to me.
On December 6th, temperatures reached a high of 28 degrees Celsius, which in full sun felt much higher (although the UV index was only 3). We were in a shadeless park, something that should be forbidden in California. My Neanderthal software got upset expecting 10 degrees max for this time of year. I lost it after hearing the locals blabbering about how much of a lovely fall day it was. I hoped and searched for irony in their voice, but I found none. Before melting I was staring at the ladies going door to door with religious pamphlets. When I could barely hold my rage, put the kiddo on the bike and bolted out, fantasizing about Scandinavia on the way back home.
I looked at my server stats for the first time in 6 years. Mostly out of curiosity but also to know if I was getting many errors since I don’t test the various updates I make directly via FTP (yolo indie dev methodology)… it turns out I get 10k hits monthly, which is bogus. I don’t know what to do of this information, which is why I’m not using a tracker in the first place. Knowing that (what feels like) a legitimate number of people read my stuff is a bit scary, yet I’m going to proceed like I never saw these numbers.
I’m often reminded of an anecdote from Annaka Harris. She told of how she raised her daughters to avoid what thought led her to be prone to anxiety. She emphasized how as a parent it seemed like the right thing to do, to deploy all the tactics and efforts she could. When her kids became teenagers, she tells of how they faced the same challenges as her. Her efforts seemed to have made no difference. She goes on to explain how humbling and debilitating this is.
Whatever I’m observing in myself or my kids, it never matches my initial intentions. Rarely in a positive way yet, life is good. What’s most striking is how this renders the imbalance between effort and outcome. Trying hard is hardwired for all those who, like me and Annaka, have grown up in a Judeo-Christian society, religious or not it’s the same work ethic.
Like health or work, you may think about what cards you’re playing with. Then you make a move and you watch the game unfold.
Our Dyson is a gift that keeps on giving. Kiddo loves the laser which gives me the time to vacuum every night peacefully while he dances like we’re at a rave. I don’t get to finish much these days, this gives me the opportunity to satisfyingly clear a task. The laser allows for a satisfying before/after visual.
Mother-in-law is tell me about the stoicism videos she is been watching on YouTube. Then shows me a prayer poster on Walmart. A spinoff of Seneca’s stoic definition of wisdom, the typography is competing with the absurdity of the message, peak facepalm moment.
Next to my go-to grocery store, there is a hobby Lobby. Just the name is telling of this relic of American consumerism, far out of my taste and worldview. On Black Friday, among the minivan and beat up Hondas, there were a noticeable amount of Teslas and a few fancy EV trucks parked in front of it. A perfect image of all the oddities colliding around here. The mix of old/new, country/city, conservative/liberal, rich/poor is quite odd.
Kiddo rushes on me to get a hug after he fell in a mud puddle. I was on my phone 2sec before, contemplating getting a nice fleece vest. The message is clear: you can’t have nice things — not yet. Just to confirm, we spent the morning wiping our noses in my many-year-old free tech swag hoodie.
I spent too long to feel good about it researching products online. It’s always too cheap or too fancy. My ego never find a quality and price point that matches whatever malicious framework my subconscious plays with. Even if I found something, I’m virtually incapable of pushing the buy button for any not crucially necessary, especially if it’s for me and clothing.
On top of that, I simply cannot buy anything fancy if it’s not on sale. It is a common bias, that makes me feel poor. I cannot defeat it. It’s like an instinct by now. What if someone knew I paid full price!? How bogus is that?
I have no doubt Apple Intelligence is good. I’m already very annoyed by the good old autocorrect. There are now so many settings to opt out it’s a strong deterrent for grumpy geriatric users like me who just want to write whatever string of characters I want.
My Chinese in-laws are puzzled by quinoa soaking, every time. They give us that confused face as they stare at the saponin's foams like - “What is this shit? Is that edible? Why can’t we have rice every day?”
I ate the best pomegranate off the streets, well worth pulling my aligners out. The owner of the house had a box and instead of using a simple “free” or no message, they wrote: “Yes, seeds are edible ( google it if you don’t trust me)”.
There is very little I’m uniquely positioned to provide deep insight on. That hasn’t deterred me from writing. I’ve been tempted to write about being tall but that’s not unique enough. It tickles me because I’m not around people as tall as me, yet I’m not that tall. I’m not Shaquille tall, I’m Steph Curry tall - 6’3”. Even the combo of tall and 6% body fat – there are a few of us freaks out there. I’m hangry so often I’m convinced people with higher body fat have more functional hormonal systems and thus, better moods. Their grass must be greener. Having an outlet my this misly blog makes me want to spew my exceptionalism. I must have a uniquely hard condition worth sharing?
I’m not good with numbers but I can catch a ratio or order of magnitude when it’s very far off. The expression “parenting is a marathon, not a sprint” bothers me. The 241:1 ratio clearly doesn’t offer a decent comparison - even though I get the idea. To me, a day is a sprint. There are a lot more than 241 days in a kid's life.
I don’t see the evil my wife sees in potatoes eyes.
I spent my twenties convincing myself that staring at water is a worthy thing to do. My thirties are going to be spent considering the pebbles on the river bed. And when I see old people, it seems that at some point I’ll just be looking at nothing in particular. I can once again appreciate the circular nature of life, focus peaking mid-way to return to the initial blur. Although young kids and elders have different levels of energy, their diffuse attention gives a quality to their perception that the adults in their prime wish.
Looking at parents with babies loaded in carriers is endearing. Most probably only see the cute bundle and a happy parent. Few will see the ergonomic handicap it is. “Arg, they are so wiggly and heavy, harsh on the back” — That’s how my PT put it.
No amount of modern gadgetry is a step function improvement. A good amount of philosophy makes the same point about comfort. Even epicureans were cautious about their indulgences.
The US is held together by religion and consumerism. Politics is a mere extension of these two. I thought this model was another gross oversimplification… not that much.
I hold on the certain objects to remind me of the beliefs I held. Not necessarily positive ones. I still have a shirt that my ex mom gifted me. It fits me remarkably well. I’ve always been stunned by how easy it is for my brain to create a story around this shirt.
After 8+ months of climbing all sorts of random tractors, kiddo finally turned one on by pushing all the buttons. I thought there was at least a key or code lock…
Kids riding around their kick scooters are really teasing me.
Parenting these days feels like a perfectly tuned game where difficulty increases to match the player’s tolerance. Everything gets labeled as either a game or part of a greater game. Mood, corporate culture, family, spirituality, fitness… when the term enters my mind I know I coping with whatever I think is “a game”.
Some parents told me they ignored daylight savings time change which seemed clever on the moment. They had the flexibility to make it happen, good for them. But when they explained that they have to ignore their phones and manually compute everything -1h it sounded a lot less enticing. Like living in a different time zone in the same location. Weird but fun.
I’ve been having recurring obsessive bouts of interest in watches. This is the manifestation of my conscious self fighting the gearbug. I’m easily teased by well-designed gear and the outlets chanting the beauty of bikes, camping gear, etc… are like mythical sirens. I’m Ulysse except that I’m glued to my stupid wall of pixels instead of strapped to a mast. I resist, wave after wave. Tempted to spew the reason why all these mere objects are tickling my fancy.
At the lake, the kiddo is peacefully picking and throwing rocks. Kiddo loses it after 5min. He screams: “more big!” as he is surrounded by rocks, begging for me to hand them to him. Of course, this annoys me, but it is the obvious humanity of this behavior that makes it understandable. Aren’t we all like this pretty often? Suddenly entitled to something we worked for until we snap for whatever reason.
I hear that it’s best to let kids outgrow their bad behavior and ignore them to avoid pointless confrontation. On the adult side, the opposite is recommended, over communication. Stonewalling as it’s called, is the ignoring that supposedly fuels the fire. The implicit fact here is that the ability to rationally communicate correlates with the ability to change one’s behavior, which kids lack. This is the liberal view, flip it and you have the conservative view. This is hilariously zen to me and telling the wonky and fascinating nature of psychology as a science.
I noticed that my last neck trim was very asymmetrical, revealing my right-handedness. A fact a detective examining my corpse would note with a funny remark in those murder shows. As I write down this absolute gem of a thought, I realize that my note-taking has gone too far. I’m no different from everyone on social media. It’s only the small room I’m locked in that makes me different. It reminds me of one of my childhood neighbors who used to suntan almost naked on his balcony. I'm that guy... Time to call it, at least for this year.
3 years on the e-bike
I hear the whizz of a fancy road bike arriving behind me. A gray haired, bleached teeth, gentleman salutes my boy in the back as we are all squeezed between a right turn lane and the center lane, occupied by a large transporter truck, whose pipe is blowing at us all sorts of dust and gases. Roadie is grinning under is wraparound-techno-viking sunglasses. My kid is giving a grimace. I’m squinting hard. We are all having a typical “bike life” moment.
This is the signal I needed to unload the last 3 years as an e-bike owner.
We bought a cargo e-bike in late 2021 from a local shop in Berkeley in December 2021. The idea was to stay car free in the east bay for as long as possible. It was our first big purchase as a couple: $3700 for a tern p9. We got this specific model because of our narrow entryway that required us to carry the bike through a path designed for goats. It had to be not too long, and not too heavy.
It delivered on everything we asked of it: made groceries easier and got the wife on the saddle. Maintenance is cheap ($300/year rounded up). Charging is fast. All the technical hiccups have been very minor.
Everything was fine until my first kid was in age of riding in a baby seat. I then only occasionally appreciated the electric assistance. I could (perhaps would) do the same without pedal assist. Kiddo doesn’t like speed and generally feels uncomfortable in his seat. Our P9 model (and a few other popular bikes) offer a small rack, when combined with a seat, gets their head a few inches from the saddle. Staring at my butt, half strapped, oppressed by the traffic noise, and annoyed by his helmet strap, I can understand that it’s an awful experience. He clearly doesn’t like it but also realizes that it’s the way we get to some places he likes. In a nutshell, that’s what the bike means to both of us.
Beyond my personal struggles, the recent years of riding a cargo got me thinking about being a cyclist more than gear. Considering the US statistics, I don’t think we need more bikes, or fancier bikes, or a better bike infrastructure. If those were levers for increasing bike adoption or safety, America would be a cycling heaven. For some it is, for most it isn’t. Most people either don’t like it, can’t make it work and won’t ever be able to (due to distances and conditions), or are afraid (due to accidents with traffic). I don’t have a solution but I’d love to see the hardcore enthusiasts stop selling the idea that those separated bike lanes and incentives on e-bikes are the step toward broader adoption. Removing the problematic stuff (excessive car use, suburban sprawl, culture of low effort mobility) yields more than any positive additions, or incentives.
It’s time to try something else. Perhaps a bit more aggressive. Use the tech nag via notifications and labels, to force change, update mental model like UX people say. Incentives have mostly led to people hoarding bikes and under used infrastructure. It’s time to go the other way and start penalizing. All the fancy e-bikes could have a minimum mileage per year, let’s say 1mile/day symbolically. Since most fancy EV owners also own an e-bike, the car OS could shame the user when taking a trip shorter than 3 miles to a leisure destination, when the weather is good. With AI I can imagine some really annoying lifestyle comments. Connect watch, car, bike and fridge and AI for some real talk: “fridge is empty, below 5000 steps, groceries half a mile away, move your butt and don’t touch the car”.
When on the saddle in my flat and sunny, small town, I’m grossed out by what appears to be laziness. But I also have a car now. So many things in our modern world just can’t be done on bike only and as soon as a car enter the equation the efficiency and ease beats my degrowth ambitions. The cases in which a (e)bike only lifestyle are possible and desirable are so limited. There are many types of cyclist and mobility needs. I could (and often do) fall for the bigness of the question of mobility. There is a one size fits most but it is an even more thorny topic: public transportation… and gosh, walking.
That’s the kind of thoughts I have while riding my cargo around - on top of: how can I forget my sunglasses every time I get out?
Inspiring oddities
I obsessively walk and run a one-mile radius. That means I can be spotted on the same streets more than twice a day, with and without a stroller. With my kiddo, we explore front yards, pick fruit trees, and occasionally embark on dodgy micro-adventures (like trying out heavy-duty equipment on construction sites). That all led to connecting with locals. Most of the time connections happen on their turf as we are intruding, non-aggressively. It’s a quiet neighborhood where most folks are out during the day (with the exception of a few retirees). Pre school drop-off dog walk and post-dinner strolls are the busiest times. That makes us part of the weirdos roaming around during the day. It is one of the wonders of remote work, to get to see the world when everyone is at work. We are not the only ones roaming around. There are 2 locals of particular interest.
Mrs
Marla Singer meets Anne Lamott. She talks to birds, bows to the sunset and brings fruit to the homeless. She trots around early morning in a silk PJ top and wears the same light cotton pants all year round. We encounter her at least once a day. She smiles but never talks. Her skin has the same texture as those 80s National Geographic portraits. A texture that sings the beauty of a life well lived. Her front yard is the most overgrown of her street and features a wheelbarrow in which an olive tree is growing, untouched. Everything about her feels slightly beyond quirky, but not crazy.
Mr
Pancho villa meets Billy the kid. Although we roam around the same perimeter, he does so at a much faster pace. Based on his tan, he must never stop for very long. He is always wearing a bright sportswear brand hoodie. His frame and apparel give him a teenager’s appearance - especially from a distance. I saw him running after the garbage truck and frantically pulling trash cans back to their respective houses. Yelling “thank you” at himself, at every good deed. I once met a lady who introduced herself as his legal guardian as he was asking some birds to go away from his favorite tree. She asked me if he ever stopped me and asked me something weird out of the blue. He did. He once asked me what was my favorite color.
I love these 2. I feel more inspired by them than any other neighbors. I now bow to the sunset and I say thank you to myself.
Here and now, on the turbo
The house is empty for one hour. It’s the perfect opportunity for a "sanity check" session on the bike trainer - also affectionately called “Turbo”. 15 minutes with a goal of at least 10 in zone 2, preferably at the end of the workday.
I usually don’t listen to anything, to be alone with the machine and my thoughts. Today is a treat. I pop in the earbuds and begin to listen to an old Ram Dass seminar. This is how the current version of myself is “having fun”. I would have never imagined this even a year ago. I’m cheap so YouTube is playing on my unlocked screen dangling in the bottle cage.
After 30min the main course is over. I'm caked in my own salt and grunting in the garage. The layers of salt are starting to show on the frame. Negligence is visible everywhere. The smashed dry raisins on the garage floor are the latest artifacts. The bike is squeaky. I’ve been putting off pumping up the tubes, it’s on the list. My hamstrings are stiff like the carbon frame, and my lower back tells me to fuck off. 40min on the timer - bozo wants more.
For some dark algorithmic reason, YouTube decides to play Baba O'Riley - the Who. The guitar reef gets me from the 70s into cardiac zone 5. I feel, warn, light, ecstatic. My lower body monopolizes all blood flow. The feeling of cosmic insignificance and magnificence of my existence strickes me. I ride it for a few minutes.
Heart rate goes back down and sweat keeps pooling. The brain recovering regular blood supply switches back to a typical overactive mode. Questions are piling up as the good vibes fade. Is the nature of this kind of experience physiological only? Or does it prove the theory that mind and body are the same machine? How much of this was influenced by years of fitness content? Cardio predispositions? Cycling enthusiasm? Equipment availability? The Apple Watch on my wrist? Orthorexia? Ram Dass... Is that the “here and now” he was talking about?
On gratitude
Neighbor T is a lovely human. We chit chat on a regular basis. When conversation stalls he never misses an occasion to point out how blessed we are to be here. Often he goes further and makes an allusion to third world countries where life is a lot harder. Our conversations often happens around sunset on the paths of our community where the light dramatically drapes the landscape in gold, like if god was trying to prove his point - “look how gloriously nice this is, for you, privileged”.
It is nice. We, in California have it good. Statistically we are here very far from third world countries. I get the point. My parents used a similar image when they were trying to convince me to eat vegetables: “some kids somewhere would be very happy to eat these endives”.
Whether it’s California sun or vegetables, there is plenty to be grateful for. I’m not getting used to this being constantly hammered by reasonable adults. In the US, religious precepts of charity and gratitude are coming at it with pity (most of the time) and use it as an ego-boost, which is morally wrong in my view. On top of that reducing the concept of quality of life to statistic is a gross oversimplification ofd the human experience. Many examples have shown this. Finland and Bhutan are regularly brought up as very happy countries, yet they are far from the US in terms of numbers.
On the flip side, most of the medical professionals I consulted in the US seemed to have doubted my rationality when I answered that I did not particularly miss France or planned to go back. Some went as far as saying that they would move if they could because that “looks nice”. The “American abroad” genre is getting some extra love with all the Trump stuff. I tend to stand with the liberals who considers moral tradeoffs (borderline moral bankruptcy in case like the US) not worth the material comfort.
There are similarities micro and macro levels. Locals praising the goodness of the dessert on their plate have acknowledged (to various degrees) the concourse of circumstances that make the deal extra sweet. Land grab, offshore labor, immigrant work exploitation, natural resources overexploitation, are just a few examples relevant to California. Comments have been accumulating and leave me confused and triggered. So I choose silence in the moment. Why be a party pooper? Why not simply participate in the collective and competitive display of kindness? The world would be a better place if we all were kinder?
From early bacterias fighting for survival, to the first stone found in our ancestor's skulls, all the way to mean comments online, violence has been here all along. Whatever the context, denial irritates me. Surely we live longer and life is statistically much easier but there has to be some kind of fight happening at some level. Completely suppressing struggle doesn’t seem to lead to peace but an unhealthy build-up ultimately exploding in our faces. Proactive release of shitiness is the way. Regular release resulting in no major chaos (or annihilation) is the most impressive feat of our civilization (granted it gets bad sometimes).
There are two sides to every coin, every mountain. The sunny side and the shady side. The yin and the yang. I’m exposed to people only caring, sharing or seemingly knowing of only one side. The sunny one. Which means only half of the picture is in sight. I feel dissonant going along in such ways. I haven’t found a way to reconcile the practice of gratitude in interpersonal relationships. To me, gratitude is an internal gear.
Note dump :: Nov 2024
There are many Californian archetypes but the most basic one boils down to the ones who take off their shoes at the beach and the other.
Kiddo finds a banal-looking rock. I ask why he wants to bring it to me. He replies: “to smash papa glasses”
On the day of the election result, during a walk I overheard a dude on the phone: "sheit, America is that dude that wants to bang his ex and actually does it".
Rain is coming, so we ordered umbrellas. They are shipping from... Las Vegas
Everyone in the house has wack theories about the infant's needs and behaviors. It’s uncanny how those theories reflect the past and cultural traits of each person. Grandpa grew up underfed in China and sees hunger in every cry. Grandma and her social anxiety inherited from a strong family-oriented culture sees a defect that needs to be identified. I often would want to let him cry a bit, because I had 2 siblings and didn’t constantly have someone behind me and I grew up in a secular, exploded French family. My wife is in her early power-mom chapter fueled by a highly competitive education. She sees protocols to be executed with optimal outcomes.
Everyone has wack-theories and operates according to them all the time. The revelations are anchoring due to the shared very limited and shared context of our house where we've all been stewing for a month. This is a scary observation to apply to society at large. It is equally amazing to realize that most things are running smoothly.
A clean chain and a rusty chassis will get you further than the opposite. Something has to be neglected at some point in life.
Grumpy dad milestones: I rejected a new pair of slippers my wife (unprompted) bought me because I love the current very worn out ones. I also now believe that "a t-shirt is a t-shirt", I'll burn through it in less than a year. Baby spit, toddler marker, over-wash, sweat stains... the ugly graphics don't matter anymore.
For a few days I pondered if my emotional fuel tank (proxy for optimism) could be measured by my beard length. The shorter the better. Pessimism translates to hair buildup whereas optimism is a process of regular refreshing. A stubble would be a great victory but I probably average 5mm. I forced myself to shave for a week all that to get cold sore. The message is clear (if my wack theory is right). A couple of photos showing my butt chin and neck folds added to my sense of being a beard guy, convincing me once again to let it grow.
My site runs mostly on PHP as a statement. Client-side libraries symbolize Tech with an uppercase T, specifically its ethos. Jquery is still my bestie but that’s because I’m nostalgic and lazy. I preach moderation once again, and once again moderation will mean something different to everyone. Doing more with less is not the trend. It’s my vibe and from visitors feedback that seems appreciated.
I'm losing my French but numbers still come out in French, especially for more than 2 digits.
We have a fancy vacuum cleaner with a laser (Dyson V15). I initially opposed it because I thought it was an unnecessary gadget. Now, I use it more than my phone on a weekly adjusted average. I love cleaning, but only certain things – Things that seem worth it (to me). What you are willing to clean tells about what you care about. Things that you simply need to have around show their age because faster even if maintained. Care shows. Life is so much cleaning.
I carry my infant son in a front carrier often while eating. I also like soft-boiled eggs. What had to happen, happened. I bit in a goopy egg and a bunch of yolk spilled right on his immaculate skull.
I’m not a sophisticated user Google user. To me, the AI overview is just slightly better than pre-AI SERP to even be noticeable. I don’t think the cost of all the AI gadgetry is worth it - definitely not for my needs.
In front of our house, there are a few shrubs. I’ve been trying to teach my son to water them. Today he took the full watering can and looked at the shrubs for a solid 20sec and dumped the entire can on the mulch in the middle, carefully avoiding all plants. He then said: “growing something new”. A true California kid.
From what I read online and the general IRL vibe I get, California is supposed to have fallen from grace. I’ve read harsh but agreeable opinions, although I still think it has an edge. What happens in California still ends up spreading to the rest of the country. By now all the negative stuff (especially environmental) is about equally bad in other states.
Although I’ve been reading more, it’s the drastic reduction in conversation (due to kids) with my wife that is reducing my vocabulary and critical thinking.
It rained, and I shaved on the same day. I felt resurrected. But then the sun came back in full force. The rain boots we bought the day of the rain teased us hard. I heard Brassens in my head, singing “Des pays imbécil's où jamais il ne pleut”
Kid meltdown aside, the most frustrating part of being a parent so far is the loss of the large block of dedicated time dedicated to side projects. This fairly obvious factoid is still revealing how useless most of the stuff that clutters my mind is. This realization materializes in the sudden desire to kill my website regularly. I had a few days without any computer time, it felt scary, like going away from a needy child - ironically as I actually spent time with my kids. I don’t do much on my phone aside from notes, which is a blessing in that regard. I’m not addicted to the phone, it’s the computer and its greater creative capabilities that get me hooked.
“French people are buttholes. Most ones I met are snobs looking down on farmers, interested only in wine” Jim said. He introduced himself earlier as my kid was climbing on a tractor that turned out to be his.
Double strollers are teasing us. Every owner around us has something bad to say against theirs. There are roughly 3 kinds: stacked, side-by-side, or wagon-style. The stacked is hard to maneuver and doesn’t age well. Older kids tend to use it as a play structure and don’t stay in as the upper seat is a bit of a dungeon. The side-by-side only fits in very large trunks while not supporting bassinet for very small kids. Wagons seem fun for the kids but are very bulky with odd ergonomics due to the pulling/pushing system.
For 2 bumps of similar intensity (and responsibility), based on resulting scratches, I’m significantly more affected by the one I witnessed. This observation can be stretched to apply to media making us witness all the worst in this world.
I’m getting to this point where my kid doesn’t like the idea of walking for no reason, especially out in nature but he’ll be super into any store. Basically the opposite of my preference. It’s normal at his age but still disturbing to see him walk away from his candid interest in anything outdoors to step into the overstimulating world of consumerism.
With time passing I find myself agreeing with the vibe theory. I don’t feel good around certain people even if I try as hard as I can to be empathetic, understanding or simply ignore them. Them and I are not vibing. There’s something physical, I feel uneasy. I used to think that the feeling was due to my lack of tolerance and insecurity - nah. On the other hand, some seem to uplift me and create a positive vibe.
I’m abusing the term chill verbally. I used to veto it for folks who looked uptight or potentially not receptive. I used it multiple times while chatting with an old dude wearing a John Deere T-shirt telling me about corn farming, that’s how liberal I am with it.
Transferring an infant from the warm cocoon that is a carrier is a prime example of the delusion of adults. In what world would we have survived without being physically able to detect our parent's care? Every time I put my son down or pull my phone out as he falls asleep in the carrier, I feel his tiny body tightening.
Kiddo is surviving 50% on dry raisins these days. The bulk bags were a bad idea. The little cardboard boxes are a lot more fun and act as a fixation. Multiple parents I met seem to agree.
During mealtime, I dreamed of tying my toddler to a tree with a fat rope, like in the comic books of my youth. Pacifying with the phone is a lack of imagination.
The wife had a coupon and free grocery delivery after $X. She took a bet on a large box of some random snack. Now we have another box in the pantry. I hate this.
This month I fantasized about buying full-frame sunglasses, going camping, moving to Burlington Vermont, getting a tattoo of a bee
I’m so done with the Apple Watch. The only thing I’m interested in is too unreliable. I spend my time on the bike checking it and frantically move my arms above my heart to get a higher HR reading.
I wonder if the humor in my recent writing and general thoughts that may appear to be optimism is just a shade of masochism.
A typical example of my unhealthy impulse to reduce everything to a simple, almost always oversimplified bullet point: all pain is absolutely always, somehow, self-inflicted.
Kid at the park asks her dad what he is thinking about as he is pacing around. The answer comes immediately with a smile: economics
I say such wack thing to my kid trying to keep up with his blabbering. I sometimes make it a meditative exercise to not engage. He doesn’t even get mad, I don’t last very long.
A dude was explaining a fix he got done on his Porsche to his wife, that clearly didn’t care much but tried to actively listen for 3 of the 10min it lasted. At first, I was just hating on the gearhead mansplaining but I felt a bit of an hypocrite as I probably sound the same about bikes and my current is kinda fancy.
On Sunday, November 17th, I used a screen for the first time to babysit my kid in the car while I went on the bike trainer next to him. Aviation footage got me 15min on the bike.
95% of the words I hear are utterly senseless to me, the receiver. It’s even rarely interesting gossip or logistics (which I’m not fond of in the first place). Mere haphazard recollections of something heard or seen the host can’t refrain from sharing. That makes me feel disrespected, resulting in a polite stonewalling: me nodding and repeating “Oh, cool”.
Just so I don’t sound like it’s only other people, neighbors always surprise me and never get much out of my face.
The 2:25 pm flight from SBP to Seattle, wakes up my kid from his nap. Would he sleep longer if the plane didn't wake him up? Perhaps. Or maybe he would only wake up 5min later naturally. It doesn't matter? It makes me hate that specific plane, the people in it, air traffic, Seattle… I should be better than this hateful knee-jerk reaction. This is a salient example of the silly mind games I play every day.
I rarely drive our car so I need to readjust the seat, and mirrors every time. I always forget one and do the adjustment while on the road. I get rightfully scolded every time. I don’t expect to ever do everything right. On top of that, my phone isn’t set up on CarPlay, so I end up searching for some Latino channel on the FM radio. The accordion is worth the struggle.
I thought it was impatience, but pouring cold water into hot tea to be able to drink it properly now is a sign of respect for tea and my responsibilities as I may only get a few minutes to enjoy it.
Few things are universally loved. Some come close. Infants and beaches seem to be good examples of these. I'm not fond of either - so either my contrarianism is THAT strong, or I'm THAT weird.
Merci Simone
Je me suis forcé à finir La Vieillesse, le dernier ouvrage de Simone de Beauvoir. Non seulement pour travailler mon vocabulaire mais aussi ma résilience au bon vieux déclinisme à la française. Comme un traitement pour mon pessimisme têtu, l’ouvrage semblait parfait candidat pour combattre le mal par le mal. La lourdeur de la critique des philosophe français cree une résonance familière, cathartique - j’irai jusqu’à dire, thérapeutique.
Je ne suis ni avide lecteur, ni particulièrement familier avec les idées Beauvoir (une honte, je suis au courant et j’y travaille). C’est les sujet qui m’a semblé intéressant. Après avoir lu une mention dans un article de Maria Popova, je me suis lancé. Popova offre une vue relativement romantique et note les passages les plus poétique, faisant des connections avec Annie Dillard qui suggérait qu’une journée reflète une vie toute entière. Dans la même veine Beauvoir suggère que la vieillesse est la somme de toute une vie. Cette accumulation n’aboutissant pas nécessairement à un état désirable. Comme Popova, j’ai apprécié la critique des stéréotypes réductionnistes de vieux fous et vieux sages.
Les observations poétiques de Beauvoir sont relativement intemporelles. Celles vis-à-vis de la société me semble avoir mal vieilli. Beauvoir commente méticuleusement dans les codes typique du structuralistes anglo-saxon, pour décrire la société industrielle construit sur des valeur catholiques et les consequence pour les personnes âgées (Rien que cette phrase me fait soupirer). Le vieillissement de la population dans pays industrialisés a promus ces dernières années un enthousiasme collectif pour la longévité et un mode de vie plus respectueux de notre planète et tout ces habitants, en particulier les plus vulnérables. Je ne questionne pas le fait qu’on est bien loin de avoir trouvé consensus sur les problèmes majeurs. Cependant il me semble qu’elle pointe du doigt la nature humaine plus que la société, qui, désespérément cherche des solution faciles et a relativement court termes (la question des retraites ne sera jamais plaisante). Cette approche est probablement une des raisons pour laquelle elle a une une image de grincheuse, trop existentielle et difficile a suivre même quand on est d’accord avec le fond. En tout cas, c’est mon ressentit (très similaire a Ivan Illich).
C’est ce même ressentit qui m’a fais lâcher le bouquin après 1h de lecture. J’y suis revenu deux semaines plus tard après quelques discussion typiquement sur le catholicisme a l’américaine. La sottise des preoccupations théologiques de plouc de banlieue me donna envie d’une bonne grosse claque à la Simone. Pas d’amélioration au niveau de la couleur des nuages après la premiere partie. Le fastidieux portrait du processus d’involution biologique et le digne labeur de definition personnel fini par m’extirper de mon ilot de techno-optimiste californien. La vie, comme ce livre, est rude, du début jusqu’à la fin. Et c’est exactement ce qui les rends merveilleux. Ca me rappelle l’obscurité écrasante de Cioran, magnifique.
La contemplation systématique de la pénombre qu’est notre monde est un exercise mal vu en par chez moi. Mon enfance en France a profondément ancrée ce genre de penchant existentialistes me rendant quelques peu inadéquate dans la société américaine qui, dieu la bénisse, qui tourne a l’optimisme avec les yeux bandés. C’est pas ma came. Mon espoir ressemble plus a celui de Simone qui voit dans les rides une manifestation de notre humanité à ne pas ignorer ou dénier. J’avais du mal a piger ce que Sartre voulait dire par “l’Existentialisme est un humanisme”. Maintenant que j’ai des cheveux blanc et 2 gosses, je vois parfaitement. La grisaille me manque. Merci Simone.
High St detour
I seized the opportunity to be out of the house without a child with me to do a detour to my local dispensary – I still smile at the term dispensary. What a typical euphemism camouflaging so much and saying just as much about our culture these days.
Nevertheless, I have been a consumer over the last few years. California has been good to me since I landed in the Bay in 2016. It took me 2 years to ingest my first edible due to stereotypically negative views on "drugs" from my upbringing.
My cannabis consumption pattern is very stable at one box of 20 per year. There is a gap of 6+ months each year because I get a noticeable dip in mood the day after consumption. For 12 hours I experience a torturous state where nothing I perceive is acceptable. A mild depression where even the banal things, like dropping a spoon in the sink or having to do an extra trip out to get the trash, is launching my post-THC brain into world-ending projections. That’s why I almost always have Sunday be my weed day, Mondays are gloomy anyway.
After a few weeks of enthusiastic attempts at reconciliation between benefits and mood cost I fall into a spiral of typical over-analysis that morphs quickly into quitting… until it has been long enough and renewed enthusiasm leads me back to the best shopping experience in town, on High St.
Marijuana seems to be a necessity for a lot to go through the reality of life. Parenting and stressful jobs are the main reasons I heard firsthand. It's been more than a way to take an edge off, it's coping. Ironically, now that it’s legal, many have been using it as a medication more than recreationally – A prime example of the insane necessities of our time. My worldview doesn't jive well with that. I’m very grateful to have been able to safely get to that realization and enjoy a few good high on the way. A long stretching session while high on a 5g 1:1 THC/CBD is as close as I’ve gotten to the oceanic feeling.
I’m writing this on one of the days after. The gloom is talking. Once again trying to reconcile my values and the reality of life. The new box is here in the cupboard...
One year in SLO
We moved to San Luis Obispo about a year ago.
The neighborhood
I live in one of those new developments on the central coast of California. Everything is squared, marked, landscaped. A few remaining blue gum trees from the grove that was in place of the community. It's a small island of medium-density housing with a few paths and common areas, we have a pool and a hot tub.
Brown mulch everywhere. Agonizing succulents. Concrete. Construction artifacts are still visible everywhere. Busted irrigation, random piles of material, and the incessant dance of contractors make it feel like the construction will never fully stop. Dare I mention the leafblower and pesticide spray on Mondays. The cloud of dust. The awkward eye contact with the underpaid Mexican landscaping crews.
Most windows are closed. Most blinds are down. Few signs of life are visible. Some patios show torn kids or pet stuff. Mine showcases 2 pathetic pots in which some kale bravely survives the assault of the sun and aphids. The recently painted walls and speckless concrete age sadly, no charming patina. The buzz of climate control units is constant. So is the ballet of cars coming in and out. Some front doors rarely open. Mine included, I quickly got the habit of using only the garage remote.
In this relatively sterile modern environment, everyone is peacefully segregated. The communal areas do a decent job of bringing the neighborhood together. During workdays, I pace around the walking paths between meetings, among 90% of dog owners. The hot tub in the pool area is the real forum. I heard of many electrical issues, plumbing, faulty appliances, pests, construction delays… It’s universally accepted that complaining while bathing in hot water is lovely. Most bathers equally mentioned loving « the SLO life ». The happiest ones are those comparing here with other states they experienced. Someone told me about a family who sold to move to Delaware, pointing out: « I’m sure they got a good deal, but why? »
This is America trying hard to move away from its suburban model – an earnest effort at creating a high-density, walkable community. People walk to the grocery stores and around the paths. Land and resources are used more efficiently. All my issues with the picture I’m painting are first-world problems and criticism of American culture more than housing or infrastructure. Optimismistically this might be a healthy sign of transition. I can confidently say that it is the most comfortable place I ever (will ever?) lived in. Is that aligned with my lofty philosophical definition of a good quality of life? Maybe.
Lifestyle
The SLO life lives up to its reputation. People of all walks of life tend to be more laid back (at least compared to the bay). There are a lot of pickup trucks and churches per capita, I knew that.
I have mixed feelings regarding the outdoors here. More trails and preserved nature are accessible. People generally appreciate being outdoors, in a recreational way. A typically American, anthropocentric enjoyment that rubs me the wrong way. People go to The trail, to hike, ride, go birding, or whatever. They go for a purpose. I go out in nature just to be outside. I was raised that way, when you don’t have anything to do inside, you go outside, where you, monkey, belong. I understand that it may sound like odd European snobbery. Here, it’s the other way around. You go out to get your step, get something done, exercise, and then back inside. A notable exception is barbecue (yet debatable).
We are now 30 minutes away from the beach… on average we’ve been once a month. It’s lovely. Walking barefoot in the sand and getting some fresh air is appreciated whatever the season. The beach is exotic to me. I very rarely went as a kid. I thought I would find something cathartic but I may I’m not a beach person.
SLO is the healthiest mix of convenience: groceries, healthcare, education, public institutions, and not too much of the rest. So far we are not missing anything (my wife would suggest a good Asian grocery store, but rarely complains about it). Although the infrastructure feels a lot like southern California, the traffic is not an issue and people appreciate it. Still - Most people drive everywhere.
I rarely go «downtown». There are more trees, no planes, nice shops, a cool farmers market… much to love. We loved our 2 months there as an introduction to SLO. It was our honeymoon phase: unrealistically pleasant. We can’t afford downtown and wouldn’t fit anyway. We go to stroll around for nostalgia and window shopping when we are too lazy to go further. For us, Downtown competes with the beach, an unfair fight that only fatigue can skew. I bike around on the weekends with the little one like a tourist.
Cycling is mostly a hobby. The bike infrastructure is a political statement more than a true public utility… like most places. I’m harsh as it is undeniably much better than SoCal. There is an active community of cyclists and a a lot of bike lanes. Cyclists are split between convenience seekers and sports enthusiasts. There is an unhealthy amount of MTBs. Unhealthy because 90% drive to the trails. And folks like nice bikes (full suspension, carbon, electric, brand names). I will speculate that none of them are ridden more than once every 2 weeks max on average. My inner Greta Thumberg shivers every time I see a pickup (or a Tesla) truck (even worse, a cyber truck) loaded with a $5000 trail crusher. Same for roadies but it seems to be a smaller (less visible) group.
Weather
Our first winter was very wet. Nearby Laguna Lake overflowed a few times. Not dramatically, no damage, only some mild sewer reflux and drainage areas remained swampy for weeks. Rain and the greenery brought joy to my heart. Rain brings the ants in and the frogs out. Frog orgies animate the creekside less than 100 feet away from us.
In the summer, the wind makes the heat a lot more bearable. I don't mind the chill and it's oddly fun to see people wear beanies under palm trees. We spent the summer before deep in the LA valley, in the foothills of Mount Baldy where heat and pollution get trapped. This summer in SLO was an experience I should not complain about. The banal cliche of the central coast is real, it is not as foggy and cold as the bay but not as hot and stuffy as LA. The luminosity is what gets me. I'm not used to living with a hat and sunglasses constantly on. Anyway, I always forget one or both and end up squinting for hours. I know it's petty, but I don't it. I call it the California helmet. While we are on petty complaint, I'm not a fan of having a logo on my forehead.
SLO county has a few micro-climate. The coast is chilly. We found refuge in Morro Bay a few times where the great fog barrier keeps the area in the 60. On the other side, everything above and to the east of SLO, above the ridge, gets seriously hot. Wine country it is, not my spot. It's comical how the locals call the burned brown summer landscape – golden. The wind and sun cook the whole region in late May. The coastal summer is lovely. It feels like vacation. I rarely wear my previous "bay area uniform" puffy jacket.
The fresh and gloomy autumn reminded me that I'm not a creature made for this climate. I'm increasingly convinced that aligning DNA to climate, thus location, is the future - instead of the current global dream of mild weather all year round sold by Hollywood. That aside - There is a lot to love about the central coast weather, it's just a tinge too warm for my preference. I feel like a true wealthy coastal elite. Very comfy, so much so I'm afraid of becoming soft and incapable of living in any harsher condition (classic tough guy).
Noise
Back in the Berkeley hills, I was already noticing (and complaining) about the constant buzz of the freeway and distant Bart. I never fully acclimated to urban living. Silence can be found. Here the nights, weekends, and holidays are truly quiet. Cal Poly students might be rowdy but it’s a relatively small crowd.
Moreover, since becoming a father I cannot live without Earplugs. From colics to big emotions, and now the tall ceilings and lack of sound dampening, my hearing needs help. Our house is a cathedral in which my 2-year-old son reverberated the word "tractor" with various degrees of intensity.
We didn't see it coming. The airport looked far enough on the map. Insulation is great but the vibration and sounds of a full-size Boeing are noticeable, to say the least. We are used to living with windows open all year round. At noon the sun cast the shadow of the planes right on the house.
Migrating birds nested under the roofs of a few houses. Houses were inhabited or not built the year before, we didn't see that coming either. The cacophony of birds lasted for a solid 4 months, one of which was a tad annoying. The poop covering our windows and facade was a lot more irritating, perhaps a sign of how badly my hearing has degraded.
The house
1500 sqft, tall ceilings, and 20 windows (!!) make the house feel spacious and bright. Everything is squared, white, and of decent quality. The open-concept kitchen is our favorite part and embodies everything positive about the house build and design.
We still haven't decorated at all. Not plants, TV, or fancy furniture. Initially due to baby roaming, but now we're used to easy cleanup and the plain look. We have time and trying to tame the decoration impulse as our very (very) young boys will predate in the space for a while before being understanding of civilized living.
We got the upgraded hardwood floor. It looks good to our eyes used the charmingly aged floorings of Berkeley's 100-year-old houses. This is so easy to clean (how do people manage babies on carpet?). It is very HARD though. My feet are feeling it – an all-day-shift-nurse sole soreness. Only a sensible rotation between barefoot, padded slippers makes this unnatural surface bearable.
A dedicated office is luxurious but not a panacea. The camper folding bed in there is used by our rare guest more often than for my initially intended workday naps. The extra room is very nice for guests, you all were right.
We have so much storage begging to be filled. All the conditions for the entropic process of accumulation are met. We have a garage, we bought a car. A large living room, we bought a (modest) couch… I’m hopeful that our values will keep us in check. Costco is a mile away. I’m scared.
Money
My current employer, GitHub, pays addresses and not people. I took a 20% pay cut. I don't regret it but that's not negligible. I was hoping the downgrade would bring the message home: relax about money, you're fine. It partially worked. Less wealth around is appreciable, at least in the immediate surroundings.
The main reason that drew us here is affordability. Berkeley was not a viable option for us and the arrival of our first child confirmed our choice to move away from the Bay Area. We could have made it work but at costs that were not sustainable, especially emotionally. Living with a $6000 monthly fixed housing cost, in an expensive, seismically active area with a high-stress job and a family – is a tough sell. I respect all who went for it—thoughts and prayers to the courageous ones who went the remodeling route. We loved Berkeley and our Bay Area days ( I miss the Berkeley Bowl).
I've mentioned multiple times at the park how affordability drew us here which got some amused reactions from locals. SLO is the posh part of the central coast. Which I now confirm. Newcomers like us are exacerbating that. Between cray-rates around 7%, low inventory, and generalized inflation, I empathize with the $90,216 median household income. Once again, we are the gentrifyers.
SLO feels more “normal” when it comes to the local economy. Demography is not growing fast compared to larger cities. The money around here is old. Land, property, and legacy businesses are where it's at, it reminds me of Europe.
The cost of living is not much cheaper than in Berkeley. Childcare is, but fewer options and still waitlists. One can overpay for a coffee around here too. It's the Whole food dilemma: Good stuff (when available) is about the same price anywhere.
How is it going?
By no possible stretch, I would label myself as a chill guy. SLO made this crystal clear by contrast. Osmosis has not happened yet. Either folks seem unbearably chill or exhibit a phony relaxed attitude fueled by financial comfort. This range is crude as a result of limited interactions – or maybe I’m not primed for such a place. My senses and intellect have nothing to complain about. Goodies abound. People are nice. The lure of socialism and selective memory makes me nostalgic for France. An image that is seriously fading. French countryside medium cities are just a different flavor of the industrialism here. I don’t feel much for the place. That saddens me, without tears.
It’s sad because SLO County is closer to my (irrelevant yet anchored) romantic ideal. In retrospect, I can see that I was hoping to find a slower, more relaxed, version of myself. It hasn’t fully happened yet. A few golden moments have punctured the flow of my usual neurosis. I can sense what slower means. I could be a couple of sunset walks or a decade away from it.
Building App&Flow’s hero
I got the chance to design App&Flow latest website. The new tagline: “Turbocharged React Native Engineering, Powered by Expo” inspired the design of the hero piece. The ring frames the app icons and create a feeling of smoothness via a reveal effect and then infinite rotation. The composition directly illustrates the tagline by combining the tech logos mentioned. The ring around provides a frame and a touch of motion.
See demo on Codepen: https://codepen.io/nsolerieu/pen/WNVqOMB
HTML/CSS
The ring of ellipses is an inline SVG with a unique class on each ellipse. This allows to set a unique opacity and rotation target to create the reveal effect. The values are a gradual range of rotation and opacity.
The .hero__center is a flex container centered via position: absolute. The same class toggle reveals the constituents. A mix of translation and rotation creates the snap-in lockup—all three with the same timing and easing.
The back glow is created via a ::before pseudo-element on the parent container and uses a filter: blur(80px). The rest is simple absolute positioning and a color variable.
CSS color variables are used to support light and dark modes. In the production version, the entire site can be toggled between light and dark mode via an extended set of variables.
I did not use animation software who would have exported a mush of code. I type every line of the ring <svg> in sublime text (I did export the plus sign from figma). I’m not asking for a trophy for that, simply suggesting to reduce dependencies on tools and, for the love of code, keep the DOM clean!
<div class="hero-visual">
<svg width="456" height="456" viewBox="0 0 456 456" fill="none" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" class="ring">
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-1" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-2" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-3" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-4" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-5" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-6" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-7" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-8" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-9" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-10" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-11" />
<ellipse cx="228" cy="228" rx="185" ry="135" class="ellipse e-12" />
</svg>
<div class="hero__center">
<div class="hero__center__appicon-left"></div>
<svg width="14" height="14" viewBox="0 0 14 14" fill="none" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg">
<path fill-rule="evenodd" clip-rule="evenodd" d="M7.5036 2.46533V6.49634L11.5346 6.49634V7.50409L7.5036 7.50409L7.5036 11.5351H6.49585L6.49585 7.50409H2.46484V6.49634H6.49585V2.46533H7.5036Z" class="hero__center__plus"/>
</svg>
<div class="hero__center__appicon-right"></div>
</div>
</div>JS
The javascript is only here to toggle the classes needed for the 2 states: onload, and post-reveal. I used jquery here for simplicity (laziness - because codepen is too convenient), vanillaJS could do the same.
When the .loading-done class gets toggled on the body, the target values get activated, and each ellipse goes from opacity: 0; transform: rotate(0); to their unique values. The reveal lasts 6s as set by the .ellipse class transition property transition: all cubic-bezier(.5,.01,.14,.99) 6s;. I used a setTimeout function to delay by 5.5s the addition of the .spin class on the ring. The 0.5s offset is dialed in to start the infinite spin before the reveal is fully done to avoid an awkward stop between the 2 states.
$(window).on('load', function(){
$('body').toggleClass( 'loading-done' ); // Animation last 6s
setTimeout(function () {
$(".ring").addClass("spin");
}, 5500);
});Ethos
All this is rudimentary when one considers what can be done these days with CSS, SVG, and JS. I could have done something like that back in 2015. My key priorities were to find a clear concept and build a smooth experience. Smoothness is achieved here by using basic CSS which allows to hit 60fps easily. This example sums up my 70% baked rule. I’m not the apple web design team or an award-winning studio, I aim to deliver something good, not great, consistently, using sustainable means.
A leak of faith
Buddhists call to relax what’s behind the eye as we tend to feel our sense of self located in the skull. I heard PT and therapists mentioning the shoulders as a proxy for overall bodily tension, as well as the jaw. I recently eavesdropped on a conversation in a PT waiting room exploring the yoga idea that a lot of emotional tension translates into thigh hips. Everyone seems to adhere to a theory. My tension center is my bladder… or somewhere down there.
I’m in no major psychological or physical trouble but a semi-permanent state of tension. Every broad comment I heard on the manifestation of stress applies to me. Thanks to YouTube and random websites I have a great picture of how much of a crank I am. I knew that. The repeated awareness over time turned into a better ability to feel the stuff inside.
Every time something called for it, I tried to develop my interoception capacity with meditation, breath work, self-massaging. Always prompted by all kinds of online content and not intuition. I was concerned but not compelled to put the phone down.
Making room for inner-self-checkin is a tough sell often resulting (when even happening) in a feeling of artificial self-care, eluding the main goal of increased presence. I had a couple of sessions of great relief but happened haphazardly. There are only so many 2-minute hacks one can slot in a day. The more obsessive the search for relief, the greater the struggle. That makes too much sense. I have not given up but did make much progress on that front.
Looking back at the last 2 years as a dad, I see a blur of ups and downs. I tried to take notes of big events and smaller details along the way. Not long ago, while torturing my notes, hoping for a nugget of actionable information I noticed needing to pee without knowing how long I’ve been holding it for. That happens many times per day. I know I have a compulsory pee-holding tendency that got aggravated by remote work. Shuffling around the house with the kids exacerbated it. Anytime my awareness gets to my bladder, I need or have been needing to for a while. Nothing shocking. I’ve tried avoiding doing this…. Unsuccessfully. I’m a lot less bothered by my mortgage rate than the constant need to pee.
One can’t always take a leak when the need arises. Sometimes we’re doing something that doesn’t allow immediate (or at least quick relief, like driving). Most of life is filled with these types of afflictions. Caring for kids has made this painfully clear. I spend half the day holding it. Maybe I have a particularly smaller bladder or It’s a moment-of-life thing? Regardless of what makes managing my bladder not ideal, I’ve been noticeably more connected with my groin. There is a lot going on down there. A decade of running has also put a number on my hips. Nothing is broken. The stiffness or neglect sometimes shows up. So much to sense and care for could easily turn into wellness materialism.
The small moments in between are the time to do the maintenance. There is always something tight. Wherever the tension is there is a relatively quick and easy release. Closing the eyes, bathroom breaks, stretching, are not as trendy as proper meditation techniques. The curriculum of life seems to include a lot of loops back to the basics. Although I’ve never heard of a prostate or bladder relaxation meditation session on the various apps I tried (I’m sure some could say that pelvic floor breathing exercises are close).
There will always be something off. Without any measure of optimism life is affliction after affliction. As an adult, I’m learning basic stuff again. Walking. Breathing. Posture. And now, to let myself take a leak. Every time I sit on the toilet, I get the chance to say yes to life, begin again, and again.
Kale and I
I bought a $3 seedling of Dino kale at the farmers market right after moving to our new place in SLO. It looked like it had a solid genetic base, something I was looking for considering the rough life it was about to experience. Kale is turning one soon.
I have a mild case of hortophilia. I scratched my gardening itch a few times with various degrees of satisfaction. I had dreams of kale for a long time. I tried growing some from the seed back in Berkeley, a place where everything grows. My full batch of seeds never broke ground and got taken over by the arugula I planted aside. I ate arugula for a whole year, it was a monster that cannibalized all my raised beds.
From the gardens of the Berkeley hills to SLO I had many occasions to contemplate kale plants with stems the size of a tree trunk. I want one like this. I know it will be a process. I’m clueless about it but deep inside, the seed is here.
I gave the new kale a good start. A very large pot, the fanciest soil I could find at Home Depot, and have been watering it religiously for a few months. The spring fueled a pleasing growth spurt. I was so happy. The beginner's first wins got me excited. I even harvested and ate some. Shaving the bottom leaves and seeing the plant grow was satisfying. By the end of April, I started to take it for granted - this is it. I got my dream kale. He is going to grow, forever.
Aphids arrived as the weather warmed up. With the pesticide spraying around the neighborhood all pests flocked to the plants on patios. I did my best to spray them off with water and swore to relocate him to the balcony someday (when the kids won't be a greater menace than aphids). The swarm of aphids kept coming but didn’t kill him, it did kill the neighboring pot of cabbage I rescued from a sale at Whole Foods. Spraying off the aphid was weirdly emotional, like changing the diaper of a sick kid.
Warmer days, blinding sun, and sweat breaking at 10 am: the summer seasonal affective disorder was coming in strong. The sun has been beating us down since mid-May. I forgot to water it a few times. It looked like I was growing kale chips straight from the stem. We bounced back from a couple of bouts of negligence. Recovery took longer than we would have liked which took a toll emotionally. We are both winter vegetables. Neither of us should be here. Survival is possible thanks to the coastal weather but that’s not our original habitat. I can’t believe that’s how November feels like. Emotional support and mutual care can only go so far, we need rain.
Note dump :: Oct 2024
Introducing a new format. I’ll keep it loose to form a monthly stream-of-consciousness vibe. I objectively spend too much time thinking if something is worth a blog post. Hopefully, this format will allow silly observations to coexist alongside other comments without turning into senseless mush.
I’ve been thinking about the WordPress controversy. I initially empathized more with WordPress and its core open-source ethos. I never contributed but definitely benefited. I have to confess agreeing with the general criticism of Matt M after reading a few posts. I don’t use WordPress anymore but emphasize with the general sentiment of hypocrisy and aggressive defense of the golden egg. I left it at that until I read Nilay’s post where he compared the American democracy to a very large open-source project. He centers his piece around the crucial need to consider collective action problems. Word choice aside, this is what Matt is getting at (I think). If words and dollars are most important, there are more contentious tech billionaires than Matt Mullenweg at the moment. WordPress appears similar to the Democratic Party, pushing a progressive agenda but not in the most pleasing manner (because there isn’t a universally pleasant way to do anything at that scale). WP engine is an example of liberal capitalism the Republicans love so much. I’m not an American citizen. I can’t vote. I’d be extremely convinced by the democratic model, however imperfect, to keep pushing instead of letting the invisible hand of the market play the cards. The hands are not invisible. We all know where the money is. On both sides. Also, I’d love for my kids to not get shot or end up driving an Uber.
All the AI products advertising how smart and helpful they are remind me of my wife. Having a companion smarter than you is great conceptually but not necessarily enjoyable. Tech nag is a real pain and getting so much worse year after year. We are married to our phones, and they are getting more demanding of our attentions. More seriously, when the UI gets smarter than the user, expect friction.
At the park, my kid stole 2 baseballs from a group playing, they didn’t notice him. I had to ask seriously a very intense-looking guy: “Is that your balls?”
The first month postpartum prophecy is happening again. Everyone is stuffing us with food. That’s very charitable but the lack of sleep makes this a horrible combo. I joined the lemon juice + baking soda gang, that helps, especially after dinner.
I gave another go to compression underwear and it’s doing something positive. Mild, but positive. Same with insoles.
Keeping things unorganized has worked out for me so far. Not because I’m surrounded by organized people nor because I’m particularly lucky (it's been a recurring inquiry I can confidently say - no). Being selective about what one collects matters more to me than the categorization.
How long can one go without relieving a bit of an emotional itch? Is the dissonance of brute force discipline backfiring in some way? I think so. Surely all impulses need not to be considered in such ways but the nurturing ones likely should.
I remembered an interview of Yvon Chouinard somewhere stating that he refused to think of fitness beyond the simple motto: You are what you do. He was explaining how he used to be a fit young climber spending his days out and now he is a fat businessman, and how that all made too much sense, no need to be a doctor. It’s one of these oversimplifications that allows for a quick grasp which I like to use when I catch myself go down the overthinking route. I’m an overstimulated dad who has been doing a lot of cardio for a decade. I’m stiff and cranky, that makes sense.
The indie web is a fun bunch. It’s also quite big by now. It has its own tools and conventions, lots of them. I like the general ethos compared to big tech but the sheer scale is starting to feel beyond “indie”. The length at which some go to torture their setup to do all the things in The indie way is quite ridiculous. I’ve been reading a bunch of blogs. I’m equally fascinated by the diversity of perspectives than frustrated by certain. The novelty is fading. If one reads enough blogs I speculate that the same overload and anxiety as traditional media/social media would ensue.
Moisturizing even using the most basic product is much better than doing nothing. Putting in a lot more effort and resources only yields and very small improvement. The same applies to drinking water, eating vegetables, brushing teeth... I need to make a list of all these types of things.
Creativity being sustenance would explain a lot of my awful feelings. It unfortunately doesn’t offer a solution. Creation as purpose stands somehow in contrast to the “let it go” zen philosophy I've been trying to adopt - although Zen includes and encourages artistic expression. To make or to make with moderation aren't that far.
There’s someone out there I could help in theory, if the goal was just to achieve the outcome they want. But I know that the process would be very difficult for them (and likely me too) and so it’s not worth extending my hand. It’s frustrating, but process matters.
I received so many emails asking for help redesigning their website since going on leave. I could help if the goal was just to achieve the outcome they described in their initial email. But I know the reality will bend this into a shape I can no longer accommodate. Every year passing requires me to say no more often. It's frustrating but now vital.
The first month postpartum got me remembering that scene from Mr and Mrs Smith where Brad Pitt is talking to the therapist and says: “don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but sometimes…”
The temperature dropped 20+ degrees Fahrenheit in the span of a day. I'n new to the area so it might be normal. It felt wild.
I tried to politely chicken out of anything Halloween-related by saying that my 2-year-old was too young g as he doesn’t talk, understand, or tolerate much. Someone said verbatim: “Nah you just got to push the fun on them”. How American is this?
I hated the taste of alcohol long before A drew Uberman (finally) declared that it’s bad for humans. Unfortunately, that makes me sound like a Huberman fanboy today. It’s equally silly how dry red wine is getting such good PR from this.
80% of my Apple Watch usage is seeing incoming calls from wife my and text notifications to answer on my phone. The rest is just my fumbling with it and workouts. Definitely big HR accuracy concerns, especially on the stationary bike. If I keep my arms up at the same cadence, HR goes up 15 beats. OCD about zone 2 and sleep tracking have flared back up, as expected.
I felt like a giant hypocrite 2sec after telling my son who tripped and fell: “slow down, you’ll mess up again by going too fast even on smooth terrain”
Red light reflections
Big intersection, a 6-lane street crosses a 4-lane one with these new kinds of over-engineered, underused bike crossings. I cross here as a pedestrian very often, mostly as a pedestrian. I know the rotation of homeless people, the Olive Garden trash truck schedule, debris…
Like our faces on the toilet, we rarely see ourselves in our cars. But at the red light, we can be seen. Picking our noses. Reflexively pulling our phones. Singing along to mariachi music completely off-key. Or simply frowning from a life of exactly that, lots of that.
Even as a pedestrian with a stroller, I cave into my phone too often or do a bunch of weird things, like a deep glute stretch and the face that goes with it. We look at people in their cars, wave at delivery truck drivers, and nod when people stare…
Nothing of particular significance.
Until today. A few other typical folks were crossing with us. A Harley Davidson swag-wearing retired couple, a target shift worker, a teenager wearing a Taylor Swift bomber jacket and the typical lady walking her dog in a full Lululemon athleisure suit. We all looked around. Confused squinting eyes and tense half smiles all said the same thing: “Is this it? Is that all there is to life?” - I shared the feeling and felt it from my forehead to my jaw.
However I slice it, this is the major part of my experience of being outdoors in this country, not a national park. It’s reductive but an accurate averaged-out image of the America I know.
This is a big part of what keeps me away from the idea of getting an American passport. At the same time, this equally highlights how I’m now sharing a lot with the locals. My French passport sometimes makes me believe the grass is greener on the other side.
A Knife's Tale
We've been picking apples from the same tree for a few weeks. My little boy loves the experience of picking "funny butt-shaped apples" and chewing them. It's great for his teeth, jaws, gut, everything. But he eats so many that he gets tired and started to swallow large pieces that we find in his poop. So I loaded a pocket knife into the stroller accessory rack. A place where used tissues, apple cores, bottles, snacks, receipts, and keys share a small grimy pocket. Not any knife.
I was out for my green card biometrics appointment in the east-east bay, close to the coliseum where dumping areas and homeless camps puncture the landscape of storage facilities and other industrial buildings. I went on my bike because, oddly enough, there is a « bike-friendly » path from Berkeley to this area where zoning law seems not to apply. I added a 1h buffer to the Google map estimate. By way of slow meanderings, I stopped in one of the estuary vista points mini-parks. The knife was found while looking for a nice photo composition. At the time, I was knee-deep in Instagram, constantly looking for a nice frame or good light, especially when in a new place, leading me to dodgy spots like this one. It clearly was abandoned by someone who used it, not to slice apples. I won't try to poetically elude to the amount of drug-use-related artifacts I encountered in the bay. I'm uneasy about picking up free, abandoned, or trashed stuff, yet I'm too cheap and now okay enough with being a weirdo doing it. I took the pocket knife while hearing in my head my wife speculating about what it could be covered in or was used for. I cleaned it thoroughly and relegated it to my bike tool kit where it remained until this week.
I can't remove the images of manly, handy tacticool, everyday-carry enthusiast guys. In my narrow mind, this is the majority of knife-carrying people. I hope to be wrong but discomfort with the association is undeniable. It’s similar to the weirdness of picking up stuff from the side of the road, or apples from someone's garden to that effect. My feelings regarding navigating mundane stigmas like these occupy my ego a lot. Right now my social role is being a dad. It's not incompatible but it takes dedication to own one's quirks. In the case of the knife, it means working through the side eye as I'm yelling at my kid shoving a massive chunk of apple in his mouth while doing gestures with a knife I'm cleaning using a dirty bib. Or many other weird looks from moms at the park as I cut a slice when everyone eats stuff out of a bag. There are so many, tiny situations where this trivial detail adds just enough friction for the feeling of inadequacy to quick in. That builds character.
I had fun trying to explain to my 2-year-old that this knife is from the same place he was born. Oakland has for me a Harmonica-like quality. The mere experience of it didn’t feel particularly nice but the memory has a golden nostalgic glow. The streets of Oakland are dodgy and grimy, affirming a strong and unique character. Also, more rarely, charming, artsy, and sometimes gross. Public transport and parks often felt like disgusting pits of dust, piss, and other substances. I met my wife there. We both got our bikes stolen there. I did awesome golden hour rides in the hills. We witnessed a drive-by shooting. All in a 3-mile radius. Oakland is a cloud of memories blurring in a blues-like feeling.
In defense of Costco double chocolate muffins
On an early morning when I woke up before everyone in the house, I subjected myself to a curious experiment. An eating meditation with a Costco double chocolate muffin. It ended up being 2 muffins, I’m no Zen monk. I was not able to stretch the experience to 40+ min as Andy Puddicombe relates. More like a 10-minute top for the second one, with a 5-minute warm-up on the first victim.
As I was dusting the crumbs off the counter and prepping a guilt-washing tea, I got struck. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with Costco muffins. Nothing more than with most other things around me. The cushy bed, ergonomic seats, full fridge, powerful stove, climate control, padded shoes… all manifestations of the same process. The Apple Watch on my wrist is yet another proof of our penchant for over-engineering solutions. Modern problems call for modern tools. Once upon a time, we needed more calories.
The Costco double chocolate muffin is a bit of a personal reference. The internet and most reasonable souls I encountered seem to hold it as a quintessential example of abomination. Its 20+ ingredients and 690 calories per muffin are surely asking a harsh judgment in the green juice era. I love it. I’d guess most people with a functional palate do too.
Whether one likes it or not, the Costco Muffins exemplify modernity. I tend to see evil in all exuberant proofs of our anthropomorphic success. From the very first harvest to grocery stores, it is the same, but less wholesome-boho-natural.
The obvious nature of my comments here may not amuse everyone. It is primarily meant for those like me, noble savages, who would ideally eat the fruit of their own labor. Those who resigned to sign up for a Costco membership, after more or less inner turmoil. It’s not career paths or real estate prices that are the obstacles to our pastoral dreams. It’s our physiology. The impulse is wired in. Once safety is achieved we crave autonomy. On a primal level, the 690 calories of the Costco Muffins are premium caloric safety. This is industrial civilization at its peak (so far, you never know what evil geniuses of the food industry are cooking).
I spent the sunny days of my 20s thinking I was better than muffins for breakfast. All that to end up in my thirties with orthorexia so deeply anchored that it turns out that a muffin ends up being a rationally good move.
P.S.: sorry for repeating “Costco muffin”. I felt compelled not to generalize my statement to all muffins. With all these shenanigans, I mean to acknowledge the full array of simplest to most extravagant gustatory indulgences. My point remains. There is a time and a place for a Costco muffin.
P.P.S : Dear wife, chill. Let a man make peace with his cake. Of course, there is more to the story. That's a blog, not a therapist's office.
The future is electric
I was waiting after struggling with my loaded e-bike to get my kid to push the crosswalk button. If I don’t indulge him, I have to listen to “buuuhhhhhtton” repeated for up to 3min the complex intersections. This was one of them, merging 6 different roads and entries.
On the other side, there’s a public Tesla charger area, hosting an electric vehicle forum. Banners and shiny cars are here, with the expected slogan:” The future is electric”.
A fellow cyclist stops behind us, also waiting for the light. He greets us with a simple “nice bike” - which would be fine if he was not riding a machine more than twice the price of mine (and I already consider myself a bit of a bike snob). You see, I’m a bit of a connoisseur. I roughly know most bikes available around (and their prices). This one was a Riese & Muller Load, which to my knowledge, retails around $8k minimum. That knowledge is mostly a burden nowadays. Just like I can’t forget all the exotic race car brands after playing Grand Turismo during my teenage years.
We are now all staring at the EV show.
I didn’t say anything back, just smiled politely.
Mr fancy German bike stopped his spaceship awkwardly close to me (likely due to the long nose of the front loader that, I can attest, is hard to maneuver in small spaces). To ease the situation he openly commented that he was “on the market for a new EV, looking at those nice Rivian SUVs”.
I don’t know this guy, never met him. Now I have to say something back. I have so many judgmental thoughts, totally not appropriate like: “You have that much money, $10k on an e-bike, $80k on an electric SUV?”. Money aside, I got back at him saying that I’ll stick to my modest ($3.7k) e-bike and that electric power doesn’t seem like a reasonable idea for heavy vehicles at scale.
He instantly and enthusiastically replied that the incentives and technology are “there” and people just need to “update their mental model”. For the record, I’m not anti-electric. It’s the (typical wealthy coastal California elite) optimistic technocratic comments that irked me.
“Precious cargo! Does your little guy like the bike? My dog loves it”
I noticed the dog stuff in the cargo area earlier which I decided to ignore as pets is another topic of strong opinions of mine. How dare he pushes the kid button, another attempt at sounding virtuous. "It's for the kids and the environment", how can one beat that... But now we are here…
Now is not the time to have a debate. Every technology has its flaws. How useful would it even be to change this dude’s mind?
“He likes it but he clearly prefers the car, sadly.“
The light finally turns green. I’m relieved to see him disappear on his German spaceship.
I’m not against people buying nice things. If he wants a $80k truck, Uncle Sam will take his money. However, my current understanding of the EV situation keeps me deeply skeptical of sustainability at scale.
Even if the energy supply equation gets solved (which is a big question mark at the moment - we’ll need to swallow the need for nuclear power), the production and maintenance of EVs will be the same capitalism. Instead of Saudi oil, it will be Peruvian lithium. The logistics and details will be different but the nature of the issues will remain.
EVs are the vegan burgers of cars. The same but "better". How much better? That’s debatable. But the similarity is not. It’s intended. It needs to be the same because we all like (big) cars and burgers. Maybe less meat and more veggies would be a more moderate and reasonable approach. What about smaller cars? Make individual transport less enticing? Dare I suggest revamping public transportation? I know it won’t happen in black-or-white America. Moderation is a tough sell. It’s wiggly. It doesn’t feel good. There are no “winners”. And certainly no room for a dedicated $10k dog-ride bike per capita.
Aside from my grumpy armchair anti-capitalism, what bothers me is the smell of virtue making any “electric” purchase superior. It’s especially gross when politics and marketing push the virtue button. Big manly men have the Ford Lightning, conscious outdoorsy folks have Rivian, and fancy sedan people have a wide selection with new and legacy brands… the market is there.
The stuff is evolving but Affluence is still here. I’m disappointed and humbled by how each generation falls for it. E-bikes are the virtuous thing for genX. Good on them. That won’t make a difference though. I feed this type of thoughts every time I pass in front of an opened garage door revealing a treasure of gear I will never allow myself to gather in a lifetime. How virtuous am I?
Around the block
Taking a walk while waiting to be discharged.
A homeless lady in her home car yells at me: hospital! Likely triggered by my “Saturday” security visitor sticker. “Yes, new baby” she instantly got back at me: “Can you believe I had 4 of these”. She looked away signaling that she was not expecting a follow-up.
A young Mexican guy is trading crypto while bored at a roadside fruit stand.
An old lady with a chandelier-sized dragonfly pendant crosses the road in an area without crosswalks or sidewalks in front of a (hill-sized) F-450. I feel dumb that the only thought that comes up is “is she technically jaywalking? Where does the term come from?”. Her bling is so big, it looks like it’s the thing making her slouch.
A student is leaving his parents with a Uhaul trailer. He hugs his mom as I’m passing by. My feet are sticking on the new hot, fresh asphalt of his parent's driveway. “We’ll see you in Seattle” she says with a sad eye and content smile that she extends to me scrapping my shoes clumsily.
I feel the mist of the pressure washers as I walk along is barely noticeable. The scented soaps and the heat are bringing sensations of anthropomorphic agony I’m too familiar with. Everyone in line at the car wash is on their phone.
The sun. The road dust. A frown stuck on my face, exacerbated by squinting. The same sock for 2 days shuffling in the small room. Nothing feels good but at least I’m out.
Baby Ash is here. It’s the year of the dragon, hopefully a good omen.
BORN RED
I was out on a typical millennial dad errand: a Facebook marketplace pickup my wife arranged. She set up the car GPS for me, scheduled the whole thing, and reminded me to go, using my Facebook account (complete loss of autonomy, marriage). The funny thing is that today’s pickup was supposed to be from a guy. Instead I met his his wife. Perhaps we are not the only ones using Mister’s Facebook account. Hard to live without using Meta's product, at least we minimize exposure with a single "function-only" account for local parent groups, play dates and marketplace. Anyway – I was skeptical that a dude would be selling a fancy toddler mat… I wouldn’t. Maybe if my wife asked me to... and even then, chances are that she would be the one coordinating the transaction (if she wasn't 39 weeks pregnant).
That aside, after the quick transition, I stopped to take a picture of a sleek black Tesla harboring the bold licence plate: “BORN RED”. I collect bumper stickers and license plates, for no good reason other than occasionally texting them to friends they remind me of. Most of the time they are, plain silly, political, or religious. It would have ended there if the owner of the car hadn’t popped out and said hi in an inquisitive way. To which, obviously surprised, I replied: “Nice plate, that’s a good one”. The high potential for the nature of the message to be political made me suddenly nervous.
“Yeah, that was honestly not my best shot” Mr Tesla replied. I gave him my best smile-confused-intrigued face which sent the right signal as he followed: “It was supposed to actually be red and now I just look like I have a card from the other club. I get some many trucks honking at me, it embarrasses my wife who puts it on me every time. By now I’m just annoyed”. He seemed amused by his own story and definitely not threatened by my comment so I kept going.
“Man, that’s funny- at least you are more creative than all the Tesla owners who can’t seem to resist puns around electricity-related terms. It’s hard to find good names. We are struggling to find a name for a baby boy arriving in a few days” (I proudly raised the pillow I picked up, hoping to contextualize my statement).
“Well, good luck with that. Just don’t call him red. Have a good day”… and that was it. The conceptual nature of the color red is telling of the absurd puzzle that civilization is. It's rare for a color to just be a color, when color itself is a human concept. It's turtles all the way down.
2 cakes reviews clarifying my intentions
Tiramisu
Tiramisu is for fancy people. She wanted to try the one from Whole Foods as her Birthday cake. We never have cake, that's how acetic we are. A glossy cylinder with some cacao powder and sprinkled nibs throned on the table. The ingredients list on the box was massive, my wife told me not to read it. I love it when the label « made with genetically engineered ingredients » - it always makes me think of cyborgs, another proof of my subconscious super intelligence.
The cream layer was way too thick and the mascarpone was probably dosed with a shovel. The foamy sponge cake and coffee liquor inside were lovely. It took us 3 meals to finish it. This guy (cake is male, at least it is a masculine term in French) gets a 5/10 from someone who couldn't remember the last time he had tiramisu.
When the grandparents offered a second round 2 days later – we said no.
Chantilly cake
A Classic, well done. Less exotic, and probably easier to make. Cream, cake, and berries were all in expected and reasonable proportions. It did the job but I will remember it as « a cake ». This made me probe the well-known promise/delivery framework. The tiramisu clearly overpromised and underdelivered but this one didn't promise much and got the job done. I want to be this cake.
(5 days later)
I started to write about the cakes last week and was ready to delete this note as it was going nowhere. Yes, delete, not archive. Archiving is clinging, contributing to the massive cloud of junk hovering over our heads. I usually do some note pruning on my morning walks. It's a crucial moment when my emotional tank allows me to crush what my ego would clench after 3 pm.
Today's loop includes saying hi to a Buddha statue, picking up apples, and spotting kayaks. I'm blabbing with my kiddo, bathing in the glorious coastal morning golden mist. Staring at the mountains in the distance knowing I will spend the day mostly indoors depresses me. I pull my phone up to avoid eye contact with dog owners doing the poop scoop bend.
Checking emails and reading a post or two get me thinking about what am I expecting out of taking notes, and publishing stuff. Is it yet another manifestation of my ego?
As the beginning of this post attests, I’m embracing (trying to) humor. Mainly to tone down the design-related thoughts and general remote work doom and gloom. I'm finding some comedic relief in writing silly stories. That keeps my creative flame going while my kid and job are trying to blow that candle really hard at times. I refuse the term «personal essay» which sounds remarkably pretentious considering the effort and intention I put into this. My words are sloppy and the anecdotes are perhaps too odd. I do it for myself. But hey, if that makes someone smile, I get bonus points.
I like the humanity of personal websites. It's a nice feeling to empathize with a stranger. Online and offline. It's much easier online for an awkward introvert like me.
In the vein of Ghandi's statement: My life is my message. At the moment, mine is a loose stream of consciousness, a mix of dad micro adventures and zen aspirations. I seek presence, which starts and ends with the body. Raising a child and eating cake is, from my current understanding, the stuff of life that’ll get me closer to that, and thus worth sharing.
Bah-tee-fly
It’s now 4 pm, we have been on our usual trail for 20min max, moving at a 2-year-old pace. 50min/mile according to Apple Watch, that somehow « detected a workout ».
I'm developing friction blisters in an unusual location due to my Crocs. I thought the slow pace and heat were a good reason to give the Crocs a go, but apparently, it turned out to be a rather crap idea. Thus every 2 minutes, while waiting for kiddo to catch up, I’m on REI.com looking for sandals on sale and other bogus Google searches like « do people hike the PCT wearing sandals ». Followed by bouts of shame for not being present in this glorious moment of bonding with my child and nature.
We reached our usual snack spot. The kid-sized granola bar takes about 15 minutes for my little one to consume fully. Mister is a connoisseur and really takes his time to enjoy every bite of this nutritional monstrosity. Yet, I appreciate his presence with his food. Mindfulness aside, he takes a long time because in the process he often poops. I don’t blame him, great sights, freedom of movement, and food intake are a perfect setup for a glorious dump. Which happened took today.
I’m engaged for 5 of the 15min. My blisters are bad enough for my genius to realize that I should let go of my sandal fantasies and follow all of my doctor's advice: wear close, padded, supportive shoes - I’m not a monkey (at least not that way). My phone is back in my pocket. Naturally, my attention is drawn to my watch which shows up every time I mop a bit of chocolate or drool, about every 30 seconds.
I inherited my mother in law Apple Watch a few days ago. The main impetus was to enable better communication with my wife. Meaning, allowing her to track my location more accurately and make sure I see her messages (and reply). I tend to forget my phone in a corner of the house for hours (like the stroller in the garage). On the first day, under « new gadget excitement » I set up a modular watch face with a bunch of stuff (complications for the snobs). I ended up checking it very often and mostly obsessed over the activity timeline and rings - such a neat piece of designery-design.
I’m sitting in the middle of the trail, browsing the watch faces again.
I set up a few for kicks. My kiddo reacts to the one called « motion » which reveals an absurdly high-definition butterfly ( or flower or jellyfish) every time the watch wakes up. I’m no Apple fan boy but it is neat and smooth. I shake my wrist a couple of times. He repeats bah-tee-fly (it sounds very cute IRL).
Each animation takes about 4s, which is at least 4x the time I usually spend glancing at my watch, resulting in absolutely no information getting recorded by my big fat brain. So I decided to give this a shot. Maybe I will get tired of butterflies, jellyfish, flowers, or even Mickey Mouse showing up but it won’t be dumber than staring at my caloric expenditure…
How I waste my scarce neurons
Having a child rendered the absurdity of some of my behaviors and how much I waste time. I expect regret or cathartic shame rereading this. If I do, the blog-therapy will have worked. Allow me to unfold a set of acceptably vulnerable thought patterns my noggin spews on a regular basis. To be clear, I have a few more I keep out to avoid a TMI fiasco.
Google maps
Pull up the phone, open Gmaps, and enter a place I dreamed of, read about, heard from. Then scroll through the photos and, god only knows why, look for grocery stores... like if I was legitimately going to move there. Novosibirsk? Really? Wait they have groceries stored indexed on google Maps!
Invoke the law of the universe
Whenever making a decision, or examining a behavior I consider the opposite. What started as an intelligent process grounded in the search for perspective is now a ridiculous game. If we plan to go to the beach, the baby will likely nap all afternoon. If I execute the perfect wind-down routine, I shall not get the perfect sleep I deserve. If I buy that ergonomic thing, it certainly won’t fit me. I go to a store to get one thing, it must not be available. If I cook the perfect egg, somehow, I won't be able to appreciate them. If we pay for a toy we think kiddo will like, he will hate it (but if it's a street find, of course he'll love it). Anecdotally I think this pairs surprisingly well with my contrarianism.
Bikes. Bikes. Bikes
I escaped all typical obsessions: car, video games, sports, drinks, fashion, shoes, travel... instead I developed a fascination for bikes. Not too sporty, with just enough gear, and a connection to nature – my little indie niche: bikepacking. I checked bikepacking.com every day for years, a major distraction feeding many "someday" types of ideas. I did 5 total overnight trips in 5 years. Good times, undoubtedly not mapping to the hundreds of hours spent thinking about it. Will I ever not turn my head when I hear a free hub? Can I pretend to not be into bikes when the subject inevitably crops up? How much brain space is a resonable allocation?
Refusing paper
As a web designer, I engage in a relentless pursuit of "inspo" as we call it in the industry, the creative juice, the spark that may be triggered by the millions of pixels zipping in front of my face. How productive is this? It's highly debatable. My most inspired moments (not flow) are not when checking the stuff online. It's often when I'm out of the house. Getting away from the screen I seem to give my inner creative bozo a sort of assignment. With enough leg room, air-time, and lack of tech stimulation, something happens. When it does, then it's then another struggle to hold "mental notes". I should get in the habit of using a sketchbook. My wife keeps repeating it but it just doesn't register. Paper is lovely.
What-if’s
What if we were child-free? What if I was single? What if I quit my job? What if we moved to Europe? What if I had a debilitating accident? What if I bought some bitcoin? What if I booked a trip to Japan in 5 years? What if I meditate an hour a day? What if I quit cycling for good? What if I never gain weight? What if I stay angry like this my whole life?
All of these stem from a typical « if it was up to me » egocentrism that never makes much sense when examined. The individual is always part of an environment, thus its constraints, and not truly free like Americans culturally like to believe. I am almost always mildly unhappy or ambivalent, about everything. The weather and my boy's mood are quintessential examples of that.
Stress designing
The time in between meetings, weekends without plans and other moments that a properly adjusted individual would use to rest, I spent making things. A lot of my enthusiasm for my job (and ego), is fueled by those ideas that I felt the need to push. Personal projects have been glorified by now-famous designers who turned their side projects into successful businesses. I don’t even want to work for myself. I’m my own worst enemy as this post should have illustrated by now. Freelancing occasionally has also been scratching the same itch and caused the same kind of wound. Fighting impostor syndrome by doing always more. I use the expression stress designing, but realistically I fall into the category of those digital hustlers. Indie maker, content creator, multidisciplinary designer, whatever the term, it is a form of hustle. Maybe I’m sinking my own ship here and I’m denying my golden creative capital. Maybe I’m navigating an ocean of bullshit decently…
Kettlebell moves
A relic from my Joe Rogan days still resides in my garage: a 36lbs kettlebell. I swing it occasionally. It’s too heavy for anything overhead yet so much fun to throw around. More than once I missed shoulder luxation or almost dropping the thing on my feet. The sight of the mean-looking chunk of metal tickles my muscle cravings while I realistically should spend more time in the kitchen snacking if I even want to think of getting bigger. Beyond this, letting go of the idea of getting bigger might be the gateway to actually layering some meat on the bones (and feeling less like a stressed monkey). Also, remote life has increased the time I spend staring at fitness equipment and reduced my exposure to normal people.
Bug out fantasies
Countless times I found myself staring at a trailer and dreaming of an into-the-wild kind of life. Bugging out seems like an unfortunate flaw of mine, a deeply anchored fantasy. I have rationalized it out of my system with bikepacking and countless long discussions with my wife. The feelings I got sleeping out in the (not so) wild should make this clear: I’m not a hermit, just an awkward dude with weird acetic preferences. The sight of vagabonds always triggers me. These words are yet another attempt at shaming this out of me. Romanticizing an escape from the civilized world is a cliché: Just grow a beard and some vegetables.
Riding along Prefumo canyon
I’ve been riding up and down a popular road for almost a year now. It’s a nice climb where one can encounter most of the local cycling fauna. Long enough to be a proper outing, and not too steep. You take it as hard as you want and even enjoy conversation on the saddle.
April 30th, 2024
An old guy on Moots, brand new bhd kit, catches up to me on my mountain bike. I used to see a lot of Moots in Berkeley. The raw titanium and subtle branding deeply appeal to aesthetics. I was used to spot a few high-end and indie-brand bikes on the Bay Area roads. I was not expecting to see them in SLO. But no, there’s an even balance of old and new, fancy and cheap here. Especially on the climb. Mr Moots was as expected, super chill. I greeted him with a casual «nice ride, that titanium looks really clean». He asked me what trail I was going for today. To which I replied that I was new to the area and I was just going for a slow climb on the main road. I felt a classic cheap kid meets decked-out old guy moment. I don’t know how to chit-chat my way out of that. He told me he lives just down the road and the climb is like his personal gym. He recommended a few trails and out-cooled me in 3 sentences. He was off after finishing me with a hang loose gesture and genuine «welcome to SLO man, I’ll see you on the road». For a minute I just felt good about this simple interaction with a fellow rider. Then tried to remember the price of a brand new Moots, was it $6K? $10K? Does it matter? My "avocado money" threshold seemed pathetic at that moment. I’ve only recently been feeling financially secure enough to buy avocados without looking a the price. The idea of spending $10k on a bike seems absurd yet I can appreciate the object. For now, my next milestone is fancy honey. The one with the chunk of honeycomb in it. At least $20 per jar. I’m not quite there yet. Maybe once I pay off my mortgage.
June 3rd, 2024
Today I hesitated between staying on the main road and going up Prefumo Canyon. It happens often. The other option, staying on the main road, is a whole different effort. It's completely exposed, with much more traffic and a strong headwind as it goes all along the wind tunnel leading to the waterfront in Los Osos. Making it to the ocean is unrealistic for me, I don't have the time. It would be a 3h (lovely) ride. So turning into the canyon sometimes feels like acknowledging that I won't do this anytime soon. I'm bummed but that's the reality of life at the moment. A few miles in, I catch up to a lady with an obvious 40ish-years-under-the-sun kind of skin and I feel obligated to say hi. She is not wearing a cycling kit and riding a vintage yet well-maintained specialized rockhopper. I like to think of myself as a true recreational cyclist who enjoys being out rather than the sport aspect. Physique and attitude probably betray me. It definitely did today. She shouted back, expecting me to pass her like a rude roadie: "Escaping the house? It's nice out there today!" I felt exposed for a second. She followed up promptly: «I’m definitely escaping mine, teenagers are mean ». Empathy flooded me. So I went with a something honest: «damn, everyone tells me that it gets better, I have a 2 year old - it’s a different kind of pain right?». She smiled at my basic comment and came back: «it’s a different ride, different mileage, a lot of ups and down the canyon. The pain goes away, the struggle persists. It’s like the sun and the wind around here, there’s always one to tickle a bit too hard».
August 20th, 2024
It’s my first time up the canyon on the new bike. It’s a light and stiff machine. I clearly didn’t need this but the serendipity of Brad selling made it happen. I would never have bought this intentionally. The way up was super smooth. Perhaps carbon makes a difference. Or it’s just being on a racy road bike. Or maybe the few days of forced rest because of the sick baby. I thought it would be a lot more uncomfortable. The mild discomfort is offset by the speed grin. I promised to be back in under an hour and was calculating how far I could go. Turns out I can go almost all the way up on this machine. It’s also my first time with cleats and I feel dumb about shitting on them for years. They do make for a noticeably smoother pedaling dynamic. Sure I sound and look like a showhorse off the bike - worth the satisfying clipping in feel and sound. That said I almost fell on a busy street because I didn’t time my clip-out. The 32mph peak gave me some goosebumps but I was also pretty sloppy in the corners and lucky there was not much traffic. The 28mm randonneur tires don’t look slick but are more forgiving than the 23s, a judicious choice on my end. That reminded me of Scott’s remark:
I like steep technical trails, but I also have 3 kids.
I’ve then considered using the trainer that came with the bike. To scratch the itch, get that good sweat, do the sanity check, and chill out when I’m out on the road.
Reverse crème brûlée
I made it to the doctor's place just in time. I rode my road bike because I take any opportunity to ride these days. I got there sweaty. I looked silly with my cleats on the carpet.
For once I got checked in in 2 minutes. An assistant called me instantly, I was still sweating, awkwardly stuffing my key, wallet, phone in my helmet. I jumped off a call 2 min before getting on the bike, my brain didn’t do the transition. I struggled with the small talk while on the scale. I was so dumb I asked the guy “is that an Apple Watch Ultra?” - I know what this was, what was I expecting. I saw my question landing on his face as it should have: “wow what a baller you are, or what a terrible way to spend your money”… but the man was of course more polite and functional than me and replied very respectfully: “yeah, I like it, and it fits better than the regular”.
Mr Ultra finished my intake in a few minutes. I was soon asked what brought me here. A few days ago my kiddo scratched one of the moles on my back. The little savage tore it badly enough for my wife to suggest getting it checked. I’m a tough guy who would not do such a thing on my own initiative. The doctor smiled and assured me that they looked fairly harmless and could be left alone, or burned if they were bothering me. This is a classic dilemma. How would I be able to turn down such an offer. Burn it! Burn them all. So she proceeded and explained the cryotherapy process while showing off her nitrous oxide torch. I proudly acknowledged her explanation with a keen remark: « yeah, it’s like a reverse crème brûlée, right? ». The kernel of sense (just enough to not get a straight WTF) in my comedic attempts granted an awkward smile back followed by an embarrassed : « yeah, kinda, it’s the first time I hear it put it this way ».
The pain was mild, like bad sunburn in the shower. A 8/10 pain in family medicine, that we both agreed was equivalent to a 4/10 in the emergency room. Tough guy agreeing with the doctor smoothens the end of this interaction. In 3 min my shirt was back on and I was back out on the bike. On the way back I took a 30min detour through the pastures. I spent half the trip back worrying about how I was selfishly and unnecessarily stretching my very pregnant wife’s goodwill as she was keeping the little monster at home while I enjoyed (well, semi-enjoying) time on the saddle. The rest of the day blurred into our regular family routine.
Design chatter
My take on a few design-related topics that kept popping in conversations over the last couple of months.
Mindful tech
However optimistic I am I can’t foresee a change for the better stemming from devices like the light phone, meditation apps, paper-like screens… Better tech isn’t going to fix the problem of too much tech. What “better” is also highly contentious. The vail of virtue-seeking of the various companies is hard to look over. I appreciate the opinionated approach of these players. I simply disagree 90% of the time with the vision.
Design principles
I've read many sets of principles over the years. Many companies use a generic variation of Dieter Rams, rehashing what generic "good" design means. Some opt for a more quirky wording. Few put work into it to reflect a unique perspective. Even fewer make it a statement true to company culture. They are an important hiring and customer acquisition instrument for ethics-driven companies. Going beyond a mere service provider status by standing for something is not just creating a brand but a culture. That being said, there are plenty of elegant propositions out there that are too lofty to be realistic. Remember, this is just a job. (most) Companies aren't families.
No code design software
Now fancier with more templates, widgets, and other gadgets. They have always been a UI overlay on top of CSS. I'm still not compelled to use any of them, teh learning curve is just too steep and the DOM output is so gross (does it mattter? - Yes, it does to me).
It's odd how Webflow has become a marketplace, a big deviation from its initial aim. From what I remember it started as a Make-your-won-website tool. The prices and timeline advertised by "webflow expert" are very competitive, showing the commoditization of web design/dev. Affordability and choices might be appreciable for businesses but on the provider side it will inevitably decreased margins and all production quality markers.
FWIW I'm okay calling a Webflow dev a "proper" dev. These tools have not put anyone out of a job, they've generated more jobs. Not the kind of job I want but I'm ambivalent to design a site that will be built in webflow. I'm bummed by the growing lack of appreciation for a properly built site, but I know, it's elitist. No code will inevitalbly feed the bespoke build demand. Fast fashion didn't put taylor out of business, it just increase demand and prices, oh capitalism...
Figma
I got the conference cringe after the intro Config 24 keynote. Figma is big now, all the signs are there. I was hoping for Figma to "be better" than Adobe, but no. Config felt eerily similar to Adobe Max. The feature flood, cheesy demos, stories, and pep talk… I’ve seen this already.
Code connect is not baked enough to be truly helpful, they need to automate it completely for broad adoption. By the same token, I wonder if Dev Mode is actually being used.
Slides is just a repackaged version of the core features, for an extra $. I’ll continue making slides in OG Figma because it does everything design better than PowerPoint and Keynote while providing 90% of the presentation-specific functions via the prototype viewer.
Most of the "quality of life improvements" are aggressively product-focused, understandably since that's where the money is. I likely won't be using 90% of it - it shows the product design specialization taking over the creative canvas. As a web designer, I’m not the core target user. Most of my needs were served 3 years ago when auto layout was introduced.
That UI redesign is really bothering me. Having to relearn my way around a familiar UI is quite painful. Did anyone ask for this? Am I cognitively ossifying?
Design as a subscription
The topic has been coming and going for a few years. The commoditization of design services was to be expected, now happening. Expensive agencies and high-paying tech companies have created a massive gap to fill. The flood of new AI companies is feeding this new model that cranks work on demand, a sort of design vending machine.
The obvious subcontracting scheme has many drawbacks: the lack of a consistent point of contact, short-term relationship, workload limitations, limited availability, consistency, QA... I can see many edge cases that make it hard to pull off. The subscription model tries to find stable income but always at the cost of scalability, sustainability, or ethics.
3D
Brands trying to elevate their visual language by upping the fidelity via texture, lighting, angle, abstractions… seem to never end, and rarely last. Scaling 3D is feasible nowadays but not realistic enough for 100+ unique asset production and maintenance. Microsoft and its glassy-glossy floating tiles have inspired many. The high effort, low reward isn't relevant for 90% of use cases but every designer, myself included keeps coming back to it. Enthusiasm fades every time I get a sad render and shoots back up when I get a good one. I suspect that I'm not alone. We forget that 3d is a specialty with its sub-domains.
Career move options
A list of all the career move options (not goals)
1. Change of landscape
Jump ship! Same job. Different people. Different place. Different industry. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side.
2. Seize an opportunity
An unplanned move is a way to make an enthusiastic transition. A perfect team or job opening can pop into your inbox anytime. Serendipity happens.
3. Join more mature
Step up your game or seek mentorship by joining a company at a later stage than your current one. Just make sure you define and verify the "maturity". Bigger doesn't mean better. What you gain in support comes at the cost of ease and autonomy.
4. Join less mature
Bring your expertise to a younger team to test your knowledge. It’s an opportunity to do things differently while the company goes through familiar stages. It’s like going on vacation in the same spot. Same challenges, new you.
5. Internal transfer
No need to necessarily jump ship to get a new job title. It seems rare and awkward to navigate in certain cases (aka - I don't like MY manager but the other team seems chill)
6. Do something else
It's hard for me to imagine doing the same thing my whole life. Learning something new or learning by doing can lead to positive change and infuse new enthusiasm for work.
8. Do your own thing
Going independent can take many shapes but stems from the same desire: be your own boss and have control over 8 more hours of your day. The counterweight is always income stability and benefits.
9. Downshifting
Going part-time or down the ladder are ways to slow down. A viable option when dealing with burnout, life transitions, or diminishing motivation/interest.
10. Taking a break
Although few have the resources to take a legit sabbatical break, it is an option often brought up and too rarely fulfilled. From personal experience, it seems like everyone at least a decade into their career says they want or need a break.
On attention
Filling time with "interesting" experiences is so easy nowadays. I have heard countless times folks tell me that they are "interested in too many things", often in a humorous tone. Their tone acknowledges that intellectual stimulation is abundant and of little value. We are all overstimulated. That not only makes us weaker but also detaches us from our humanity.
For the longest time, I thought that my attention span was THE problem. In 2016 I was joking to coworkers that my attention span took a massive hit due to the crazy startup culture I just crashed into. The blame was easily given to all the tech and silly things one does during his twenties. During the following 8 years, I've engaged in few 1h+ focused single-task: Computer-based design work, and exercising (mostly running and cycling). I didn't train my attention. I just worked and exercised a lot, a common strategy for Bay Area millennials like me.
I never hoped to fix it until I got exposed to a bunch of meditation content that convinced me that sitting quietly was part of the essential skill of a functional human. I tried meditation, and still reactively use it to get back in a calmer state.
Audiobooks and podcasts were always done in parallel with something else (chores, walks, dare I say work). I have also been an occasional, absolutely mediocre gamer. I had a few good sessions I don't even remember, just a vague feeling of ease when my reward button got pushed.
I haven’t watched a movie in years, let alone any TV shows, or read fiction, not because I can’t sit through it, but rather because I don’t want to get carried away by (overdramatized) stories. There is already one unfolding at every moment that I can barely connect with.
A few days ago, a rare, quasi-perfect morning setup occurred. I woke up before everyone in the house. Do not disturb mode was still on. Silence was reigning. My mind was clear. I sat and tried to reflect. I tried way too hard, once again, succumbing to the reactive mind. I a few minutes I was lost in thoughts. I called it upon myself. I knew what I did because that happened so many times already. Everyone struggles with this. Tech worker or not. The more we act due to external influences, the more we dilute our instinctive self, however "good" the intentions are. In our information age, it has become obscenely difficult to know ourselves. Hype is an anthropic force going against self-actualization. When I ask myself why I am doing {x}, the answer is often related to external factors. Writing has made this realization even more painful.
Zen orators often point out how contradictory it is to talk about things of this nature. They believe that to verbalize is a large part of the suffering. I do understand that language is the best tool we have. However good of a point we can make with words, it is ultimately the imprint in one’s consciousness that is the goal. Instinct, the labor of experiencing life, is more important than being a recipient of all the knowledge one can passively. Reality is independent of human thought, thus hard to find with human symbols.
I tried so hard to rationalize the influence of "digital stuff". In theory, I can't defeat the idea that digital stuff is just stuff and thus should be discarded just like everything else. There is so much research exploring how the growing digital part of our lives is messing with us. Once again, overstimulation happened. Saturation is the cost of my relentless atheistic pragmatism. If beliefs are rules for action, that is why I consistently fail. Because trying is what deep down I believe life is about. Trying to pay close attention to the moment is a relatively shallow form of presence, although it felt deceivingly profound at times. Seeking it is notoriously fruitless. I will fail again.
Beyond the logistics of navigating the world, there is nothing one must pay attention to. The buzz of the world, be it a busy street or a gentle breeze, is always here, where it’s in the foreground or the background of our attention.
Stuck in a funk
I’m (still) uncomfortable with the idea of being a blogger. Likely due to the sound of the word. Quite a fart-like word. It sounds made up by a teenager. Or I’m simply a grumpy idiot with a word problem.
The fact that blogging is a thing qualifies me of someone doing that thing. I don’t know what I’m doing. Sharing publicly my thoughts on fairly random topics. I found my “third place” in this practice. Right between social media and proper writing. I’m not a writer (if you’re not already convinced).
After a couple of months, 20+ posts, I realized that I don’t have any new perspectives on design-related topics. I only praise what already works and rehash a lot of minimalist advice. I wanted to believe that reframing is an essential part of progress. The truth seems closer to : I'm only adding noise because I selfishly want to have my word out there. Like if this was some sort of intellectual capital that would add up to the greater pile that is human civilization.
Wisdom in its intellectual form is abundant and, thus meaningless. Being clever with words is only satisfying for a moment. I repeatedly mull over how the most important things have already been said, multiple times, eloquently.
Like a few "bloggers", I have been foolishly trying to better myself by writing. One post at the time, fetishizing "the process". The longing for peace and wisdom is a bit too obvious. Retrospectively it looks pathetic. My intellectual sink is clogged. I'm not only weeding my thoughts. At this point, I'm cultivating a weed garden.
Sanity is rarely achieved by not being a fool. One shouldn't amputate its part of madness and fear, but rather seek more of the good stuff. I'm such a fool that this logic is hard to follow, yet I've come to terms with it, theoretically.
I've been in a funk for a couple of months that I can't seem to shake off. For a variety of reasons I’m not going to indulge in listing. All self-inflicted. It's not a bad life, the bottom of the smile curve is real.
I often just want to vent. That ends up in a long-winded rant about whatever irked me, tied to whatever is the latest philosophical concept that peaked my curiosity (almost always as a contrast). My current list includes: my Config 24 conference cringe, Mindful tech, Design systems, Brown mulch, Linkedin Cringe, WFH + Kids, Stress designing... Having an outlet for it provides at best some comedic relief, but certainly limited value when considering the noise.
So I'm stuck between this blog as a decent way to keep spelling out, overthinking, and ruminating my internal narratives, and facing the cold fact that none of this will fix the pain from philosophical dissonance of my zen-like aspirations while being a dad and making a living as a corporate tech worker in America.
Notes.txt
I used to have a notes.txt file on my desktop where I was putting down all interesting nuggets, like a wine cellar, hoping for them to mature. Instead, they mostly degenerate and create a bunch of anxiety from doing nothing of it.
Nowadays, I "write" in Google Keep. Because it’s awful. I migrated my notes.txt file content in there and pinned it. I write a lot in the bathroom in general. Between meetings (sometimes during). I aim at poor writing hygiene because I do not want to truly get into it. I’m already interested/distracted by too many things. Yet, there seems to be something that keeps bringing me back to words.
Like most of us, I breed an uncomfortably large amount of thoughts daily. Most of them are unexceptional. Without restraint, I’d impulsively jot down most of them. To stay sane and avoid creating a generational supply of passable notes, I still uphold my thought-holding policy.
"Never confuse an idea with its implementation" (Taylor Troesh) - I need to snip most thoughts in the bud. So here is my technique: No note = No next step = Freedom. If my ego can't let go of an idea, I give it an outlet on this site.
If I take note of something, there must be a next step. Until it dies. A note's death usually means, publication, archival, deletion, or merge.
Most of my active notes are lists.
The rest (10 max) are drafts that sometimes go somewhere.
This blog is my archive, where my (successful) notes go to die.
Hopefully, this post should be the ultimate proof not to take anything written on this site seriously.
Peanut butter
As a 90s European kid, I didn’t grow up with peanut butter.
Peanuts originated in South America and weren't widely available in Europe until the 20th century. European cuisine has its own traditions and flavors, peanut butter simply wasn’t a staple like it has in the US.
I had my first taste of peanut butter at the age of 29, and I absolutely love it. It's rare to experience something so common for the first time in adulthood.
PB embodies america. It's new (to me), tasty, abundant, and polarizing. The only problem with it is that it’s delicious.
PB illustrate the cosco dilemma. It's mass-produced, so cheap. The way it is sold incentivizes a bad relationship with it. Large jars could technically last longer but that's not how cravings work.
Nowadays I overpay for the fancy PB sold in a small jar.
This is how I deal with being a consumer in America.
Landing page storytelling
Storytelling is a fancy and abused word in the marketing world (BS). Web marketing aims to mimic the traditional story arc going from exposition to resolution through web design.
In the context of a web page, this often translates to 4 types of sections.
- Establish (hey!): Define the page's purpose and draw users to scroll or take action. This often translates into a "hero" section with a headline, short description, and button. Sometimes extending to logos and more extended introductory statements.
- Explain (what): This is where content delivers on the promise of the hero by introducing value props, demos -aka- the "meat" of information that readers may be looking for. Components in this category include rivers, story-scroll, bentos, cards, videos, even FAQs etc.
- Reinforce (about): This section validates the details through proof points. Components in this category include stats, testimonials, customer stories, more logos.
- Convert (this): The call to action that drives customers to the desired funnel or flow. Most pages end with a CTA but you can find some peppered throughout the content. This also includes cross-linking to related resources, articles, or products.
The order, size, and number of the "Explain" and "Reinforce" sections may vary per page depending on the amount of elements that need to be covered by the content. Large feature sets on Saas landing pages, or any other kind of complex narratives, often break down into sub-sections explaining and reinforcing specific benefits or features.
An easier way to remember this: Hey. What. About. This
This is the uncut version of a piece of internal documentation published at GitHub riffing off of Dan Petty portfolio advice.
Feedback is inevitable
The creative tools of today have democratized feedback, making it omnipresent. Comments litter documents, images, and design files. While accessibility fosters participation, it also creates a "free-for-all" environment where thoughtful critique gets lost in the noise. Everyone is literally one link away from a place where feedback can be deposited.
Feedback culture
The constant influx of feedback, especially in large organizations, can feel like a participation trophy rather than a valuable gift. Thinking twice before dropping a comment is a dying practice. The startup mindset and its flat hierarchy incentivized an overly democratic feedback participation.
Most people with a pair of functioning eyes have an opinion on anything visual. My design work included. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, I’d often prefer to do my thing in peace. This is called a silo and is regarded as a highly undesirable behavior.
Creative space
On the flipside, there is also strong advocacy for the need for creative space so each contributor brings his best. Creative space, once a natural part of the process, is now squeezed into a calendar slot called "focus time". This highlights the inherent tension between focused work and constant feedback, especially at scale. Too much feedback makes any system go crazy.
The prevailing logic in corporate environments is that more feedback equals better outcomes. Even if I accept this premise there is the question of how to manage the correlated anxiety and frustration. The correlation between feedback volume and pain is undeniable.
How helpful can one be in a comment box?
Remote, asynchronous feedback shares issues with remote work in general: less focus and less empathy. This requires significant effort to establish context, further adding to the burden. Fast-paced feedback loops created by "the design sprint method" exacerbate pains like anxiety and reactive comments.
Figma
One can't talk about anything design-process-related without touching on Figma. I learned to love Figma. That's the design software I spent the most time in, a lot of time. It's a great tool, but it has flaws. All of these flaws add to the pain of receiving feedback as Figma is the place where it all happens.
- Adds to the noise of the current design process: Comments, comments, comments everywhere
- Incentivizes bad file hygiene: oversized files with too many internal pages
- File management is a mess
- Account management is janky
- It's expensive, subscription only
- The community aspect has limited value: self-promotion, few freebies here and there... expanding on the trend of design marketplaces
- Plugins are cool but they won’t scale well. Look at what happened with Adobe and WordPress ecosystems
- Designed for design system and product not brand and yet...
- A jack-of-all-trades, master of none? The UI's increasing complexity and the influx of AI features raise questions about the focus
- Limited offline functionality
Feedback is inevitable
Feedback and its friction are inherent to communication and interpersonal relationships. It’s frustrating for everyone. I’m not mad at anyone at the end of the day. I’m part of it. Of all the fools I hope to be one who considers when not to contribute.
I don’t have many answers to offer. Figma is here to stay, other tools are following the global focus on collaboration - because nothing great is made alone. But for your sanity, reduce indirect channels by making files read-only. Make feedback possible for everyone but just a bit harder, raise the stakes.
True creation requires both the stillness of the pool and the ripple of the pebble. Listen, but do not be swayed by every current. - Zen parable
Designing for the limits of attention
Our digital ecosystem is bursting with features, interaction patterns, and graphics, but are they adding much to our lives other than noise? Here I explore the limitations of interface design and the need for a new approach that considers human limitations as it keeps scaling.
Addition
When it comes to products with an established system, new features can be added by expanding on existing UI patterns or introducing new ones, such as a new button or tab. The sparkle/magic button that landed everywhere with new AI features is a good example. "Supercharging interfaces" as it's been called, is an unopinionated way to integrate new possibilities for the user. This creates a fair bit of noise over the long term and restricts the potential for a paradigm shift. It requires a great deal of effort to maintain and expand a system in this manner over time.
However, everything eventually progresses beyond just adding more of the same. A classic example of this idea is the invention of the car, which was not simply an attempt to create faster horses. That's where abstraction comes into play.
Abstraction
In contrast, some interaction patterns are so complex or cluttered that there is greater value in reducing fidelity to promote a simpler experience. The loss in fidelity of the control is offset by the ease and result: you get 90% or more of the desired outcome while reducing. Imagine a UI that seamlessly anticipates your needs - That's the vision that a lot of AI products are selling. It's the latest spin on the "less is more" motto.
Cameras are a great way to illustrate this. With the arrival of autofocus and machine learning, most users have agreed to trade an easy snap for less control. The big circle shutter button on our phone cameras is a lot easier than dialing everything manually on a DSLR.
Browsers
At some point, everything evolves. Internet browsers seem to be ripe for a paradigm shift like cameras were 10 years ago. Too many widgets and ambitious concepts have left me unsatisfied with the state of things (Arc browser is one of the latest examples). We all have too many tabs open and some unhealthy digital habits around our browsers. Minimalism and good hygiene won't solve the problem at scale. So many facets of our lives depend on it. There are complex technical implications I'm clueless about but from an interaction perspective, the model is showing its limit with the arrival of spatial computing and AI. Do we want to project a good old rectangular window frame in augmented reality? Are we ready for some AI chatbot popups everywhere? I hope not.
Design systems
On a web design level, what is inside of each tab, we are also reaching a point of saturation. Some have speculated about a unified design system (like Brad Frost here, without offering much perspective other than an elegant problem statement) as a response to the challenges of scaling design systems and the sheer cacophony of the www. The web has been a reflection of our globalized economy where liberal capitalism patterns have echoed. I doubt that unification or even a standardized system would ever shape up, should we even agree on how it would look like.
Although liberalism often incentivizes commoditization, maybe I’ll be proven wrong. I agree with Brad on the potential for great global public utility... and great power to the maintainers. At the moment everyone is doing their own thing. Some larger organizations with more resources are incrementally improving standards along with Open Source projects, coming and fading.
Human limitations
Design systems provide a great example of structures built upon existing structures, and how they test the cognitive abilities of organizations to maintain at scale. Everything is built on top of something else.
It's fascinating to consider how technology advances alongside humans. In essence, digital tools allow us to handle more information than our brains can process and manage. The digital ecosystem seems to be reaching a watershed moment where its complexity is now offset by the value it provides.
Nowadays, decisions are increasingly influenced by human limitations rather than resource constraints: language and cognitive capacity. From the minimalists of the indie web purists to the venture-funded technocrats, I perceive a collective longing for ways to address these human challenges in the next generation of interfaces.
The list
The Vanilla web is my web-design-centric checklist aiming at addressing current challenges while considering the latest developments in tech. I agree with Steph, there is nothing boring about vanilla. It's a very high standard. Listed below are a couple of items I'd suggest to keep in mind when designing (I don't call them "principles", it sounds pretentious).
- Design for attention: Create contexts, not screens, pages, or stories. Content > Context > UX. Narrow the focus, and dial down the layout. Lower fidelity. Reduce noise. 3 variables per context is most people's limits.
- Bake in semantics: How it looks is how it is structured. Design, engineering, and content converge here, not with design engineers. Less tabs, labels, accordeons, filters... just search, or better, nothing.
- Innovate on familiar ground: Aim for 80% existing pattern, 20% new. Acknowledge that less is more, but more is needed. Scale means debt for the maintainer, and should map to user value.
- Make it kind on the eyes: You need a mighty good reason to animate something. If you do it should feel snappy, not bouncy. Mechanical and smooth. Fewer sticky things.
- Incentivize autonomy: Don't make things too easy, ask for permission. By default, nothing should be automated or personalized. Favor curation. Bring RSS back!
- Be device agnostic: One column is all that is needed. Streamline responsive behavior. There are too many screen sizes for a coherent breakpoint logic. Most things should collapse. The ultimate goal: Mobile = everything else.
- Keep it real: The user is tired and not thrilled about the design. Drop SEO and growth marketing "best practices". Nobody likes to fill out forms. The fold doesn't matter and people read when they care...
- Learn from mistakes: All tools are built for a purpose. Make it obvious, and stick to it. Resist designing dashboards, feeds, comment boxes… ditch all those patterns that have made the worst of today’s internet.
- Make it personal: Data, UX insights, trends, bureaucracy, fatigue, reviews... the process is grueling. So much stuff out there has no soul. Users can feel that. Good tools have an extra something.
Caveat: predicting the future is a fool's game.
Reframing problems is key to progress.
If Brad Frost can get away with it, maybe I can too.
So much work.
So little progress.
That's how it has always been.
And will ever be.
I tried React
I'm not a software engineer. I wanted to get a sense of what my engineering counterparts have to deal with and understand the common criticisms I've heard of React.
Here is my ranty report.
Syntax
JSX throws HTML and JavaScript together in a confusing syntax. The mix of markup and logic was visually and cognitively taxing. It felt like reading a screenplay where the dialogue and narration blend together. My javascript game isn't great, let alone good code hygiene, so I got rough ride:
- Mismatched braces, parentheses, or missing semicolons can cause cryptic errors in JSX
- Unlike HTML, JSX lets some elements be lazy and skip their closing tags, I don't like that, that incentive poor syntax IMO
- Linters were a decent code babysitters, but far from perfect - I got a bunch of silent errors
- Constantly switching between writing HTML-like structures and pure Javascript logic was rough (but then again, I'm the noob here)
- As a designer I created way too many props for my components, trying to replicate CSS and figma component logic
- Is a clean DOM even possible with React??
Customization
Sure, it's customizable, but that also means the codebase quickly be a mess. I can imagine that without strong conventions for large teams, this would be a big issue. React supposedly thrives on components, but managing them even in a small project turned into a component soup. For the love of code, have a plan (beyond "just using storybook") to tame the flexibility.
The Virtual DOM is supposed to be React's magic behind the scenes. I don't get the hype (especially for 90% of my static site uses). The extra computation and debugging issues add to the overall complexity... I get the idea of efficient DOM updates but it's not worth the headache.
Ecosystem
I haven't dabbled for more than 3 weeks but already got a taste of the ecosystem whirlwind of updates and changes. I can see it being cool for keeping things fresh, but anxiogenic for developers who just want to build something and ship it. React itself is a library, not a full-fledged framework - It took me a while to realize what this meant in practice. Choice overload and inconsistent codebase are massive drags that even Copilot didn't ease much. I barely understood all the stuff I had to install... just do send a form.
In some ways React feels like IKEA for your app. You get the basic pieces, but you gotta hunt down all the nuts and bolts (libraries) to make it actually work. Routing, state management - all separate libraries you need to install, manage, and hope they don't fight with each other. So many version conflicts...
TLDR: I didn't like my experience but then again, I'm not a trained or experienced developer. I'm content coding basic php and jquery. After this react stint I feel a rush of empathy for those having to deal with this daily.
If you work with react, I feel you
P.S: Here is what I was trying to build: An under-engineered notes app with only 2 task lists: Work and Life. Simple design, no menu, no rich text, no labels, no search, no customization. A markdown file associated to each list for notes and that's it. I got 45% there with react. I might reboot the project with php/jquery... to be continued
Strava rehab
I ate shit on the trail today. Nothing dramatic. I was spacing out, tripped, and fell. My knee met a rock. Everyone who enjoys running experiences this.
As I sat on the side of the trail looking at the little trail of blood dry I had a brief moment of clarity. Body and mind fused to give me a little flashback.
In 2017 I ran the SF marathon (sorry for bragging). My amateur preparation consisted of as much running as possible. No structure, no rest day, no control - just Strava. No change in nutritional habits or sleep: same with more running. I could do that. I have long legs. I'm built for this stuff. My inclination to masochism mixed with some socially acceptable alpha-yet-stoically-humble made me a perfect fit for the "runner" persona.
I kept running. Mostly because it's easy to get out and "exercise". I stayed hooked on Strava. The gamification got me and built a digital ego. I noticed it first while reviewing my yearly stats. A gross humble bragging feeling crept in. My wife mocked me countless times for being too keen on my run/ride title game. Some would say that I was just "having fun" with it others would note that cardio is far from being a bad addiction.
The core dilemma for me lies in the concept of health vs. performance. Fitness apps excel at motivating performance, but they overshadow the importance of listening to the body. Reducing health to statistics has been a dangerous game that continually led me to some mental or emotional trouble... for what? The illusion of a longer life? Even if it extends life, who wants to be checking their step count every day at age 80? If I'm still there, I hope to have better things to contemplate.
A week after the birth of my first kid I was finally going out for a run on the local trail. The lack of sleep and emotional load made for a trippy run -Recorded on Strava. I had a blast. I looked at the summary screen for a long while. The distraction and vanity the app was feeding are obviously not compatible with the image I have of a functional human, let alone a good dad. That day, I deleted my account after 5+ years.
Surely one can have a few vanities, as long as they are controlled or justified. When it comes to indulging, I aspire to more meaningful things than a little badge. I'll spare myself the nagging feeling of checking another feed, sending kudos (what a lame interaction), or white-lying about why I want to go for a run. I'll run go because I feel like it.
In some ways today’s bump was pathetic and could mean “poor” running performance: I was slow, on familiar, non-technical terrain. But that is the running I want to do: an escape.
As I remember how absurd this whole Strava thing has been, I thought about the title I would have given this run. Nothing came to mind.
Rehab, completed.
The zen of slow progress
I'm lagging behind in many ways, taking too much time doing things the long, stupid way. I don't read much. I don't ask for help. I'm generally slow or reluctant to embrace new technology, usually out of disinterest or cost. As I said before, I’m not a technologist. I’m not a monk either. I'm happy being behind the technological curve.
New technology gets all the spotlight. In all fairness, the new stuff today may be tomorrow's standard. The democratization process needs early adopters. I’m thankful for them. Good on the ones who benefited from it. Progress goes with optimism. My beef here is the marketing of it all. The image of progress feeding the opportunity to get a slice of an ever-growing pie is simply wrong. The current liberal capitalist model statistically benefits only a minority, the ones already eating.
I'm okay not being in that group. Being a laggard is a good life. Doubling down on what works feels more rewarding to me. The type of appreciation I find in a good pair of socks beats any new app I install on my phone. Starlink is neat but the feeling I get when I send a letter to my mom is still better (however long it takes to get to her). Coding basic php unassisted in the AI era will sound backward. Generally, my sweet spot is staying about 6 years behind.
On top of that, I add the Zen suggestion for a slower pace in our physical motion to build awareness. It states that when you move slower, you tend to appreciate more. Even the stuff that you may not like. Slow is not instinctive for me. I'm constantly playing catch-up, hustling like a determined primate using a stone to crack open tough nuts. I need to force the slowdown. I intentionally make my life harder to stimulate an adaptive response to moderate friction (aka - hormesis). It's far from being properly "zen", but it is what has kept me in touch with this principle. That's my confused way to give of Slowness a chance to teach me what I need to learn.
Getting lost in this type of internal rhetoric is common for me. I’m confused, rereading my notes, searching for a sign of maturity, progress, humor, anything… so many words. Is that the examined life? Does it matter? Doesn't the fool who persists in his folly will become wise?
Empathy
A few years ago, my team was hiring a new leader. We interviewed someone who stated something like this: "I recently developed a sense of empathy after having a kid and I now know how important it is". My team and I were shocked to hear someone in their thirties, with a management position in a liberal industry making such a claim shamelessly. It took a kid to make you realize how important it is to be a decent person (our doubts were heavily colored by the fact that the guy was at the time working at Uber)? That rubbed the team the wrong way. He got rejected.
Today, I'd strongly support the claim that having a child brings a whole new perspective on empathy. When your kid gets mad at you for the first time it’s a shock. Their emotions are yours. A new variable enters the equation. When someone in the family feels bad, everyone is down.
Stepping back - there are a few, ostensibly fundamental things, I will never be able to fully understand. Because I was not raised with it. By raised I mean, frequently exposed to, since a very young age.
Major things: god, pets, television, and a sense of empathy.
Nothing seems to indicate that I missed much from the first 3 but that last one is different. I don't mind that my parents didn't care to bring these concepts into my worldview as a kid. Like most parents, I don't think they did it intentionally. I won't invent myself a sense of empathy in my 30s but I have a kid now.
There is no emotional development blueprint. Age and experience of life cannot fully be replaced by knowledge itself. It can be eased and acquired faster, but there is a cap to allow for knowledge to viscerally anchor. Raising a child has been much more than a perspective shift. It’s the process of maturation itself.
P.S: Perhaps this post is a bit cheeky, highlighting the irony of the candidate who claimed newfound empathy through parenthood, while contrasting it with my own experience of raising a child? When oit come to empathy does having a kid beat management training? I really hope so.
A moment of agony
We're in an actual bank on a Monday morning. I forgot how unpleasant banks are, but sometimes you gotta go. Too much carpet, makeup, and sketchers. Millennial-me hates it but my inner stoic wants to hold judgment.
We waited standing up for 10min max, which felt like 30min for my pregnant wife. The little one has touched everything interesting in 5 minutes and starts running in circles.
We get redirected to an account manager because: process. More waiting. The wife is bummed by how inefficient everything is and the delay potentially messing with our lunch plan after. I can see it on her face, her tone, she's going down. She is the only one talking to the bank people, I wrangle the kiddo - unapologetic gender-based division of labor.
Our guy is just clocking in, quietly, politely, awkwardly. I try to smile and make things as smooth as possible, just as awkwardly. If you can't do anything helpful, at least, smile - this is my Modus operandi. Baby boy bounces around in the tiny space between the desk and chairs until he melts down after hitting the copy machine tray lock button a dozen times while repeating the word "button". At some point he pooped. The diaper is stinking up the cubicle. This whole thing is punctuated by Slack notifications sounds. Shuffling while carrying a wiggly 25lbs wears me down. The drool stains on my short bug me everytime I see them. I can barely hear anything - like,oh yeah, my social security number? I need to pee. My neck hurt. I’m sweating. This is pure agony. A primal soup of frustration, sweat, and a deep sense of inadequacy. I’m so present in the moment, I feel it all. It's comically atrocious.
Stuff like this happens all the time. And here's the glorious thing: it's not unique. This chaos, this shared struggle for breath, it connects us all. We all breathe the same air but not with the same ease. Whatever the reason. Affliction is everywhere. On the flipside, the satisfaction of dealing "well" with these kinds of moments is the most rewarding experience, nature’s antidepressant. The quiet triumph of getting out of the bank today felt like a natural high.
Nuggets of PM wisdom
A few notes on project management, collected over a decade of tech work.
Personal observations
The basic idea that PM/managers are either on their boss's side or the team's side is a toxic oversimplification.
Client work is harsh. In-house work is ambiguous. Choose your "hard".
The collective attention span erosion has a huge cost, at work too. Managing expectations is a tough process that should take this sad fact into consideration: Don't expect more than 3 hours a day of productive time per person.
For 1 negative piece of feedback, a minimum of 3 positive interactions are needed for both sides to not feel bad.
All PMs and managers are counselors. It’s not in their job descriptions but kind of implied. Some embrace it, some try, some don't get it.
Managers and ICs have a lot more in common than perceived. Everyone is aware of the artificial nature of the corporate environment. Few navigate it peacefully.
Anxiety is a silent plague fed by overstimulation. More tech/tools to address this is most of the time, counterproductive. Connection and empathy are the best ways to alleviate some of this, even via Zoom.
Most of what we call work is type 2 fun. Very little of it is intrinsically rewarding in the moment, it comes after. Sometimes long after in an unexpected shape.
Creative work relies heavily on serendipity. Even for high performers that seems to pop a great idea on demand. They may have some tricks but ultimately they rely on something above them, just like all of us.
In the corporate world, even the things that don't scale, scale (uttered by the only Alexey Komissarouk). Sometimes arguably bad ideas will reach scale by sheer brute-force. This is the tradeoff that allows for great things at scale, shit things at scale.
There a lot of talk about "working smarter" that often neglect the fact that more work is really what is needed. Spending more time thinking is technically more work. Hustle culture and generalized anxiety have pushed a lot of us into extreme behaviors, either to do nothing or work way too much ("work hard, play hard" consider "just do the work".
From Merlin Mann / the wisdom
Every project is a triangle made of time, money, and quality; shortening the length of one side necessarily lengthens one or—more often—both of the other sides.
Less well-known is that we each tend to blow it hardest in estimating the sides of the triangle we least understand or respect.
Kindly note that the grave existential truth of the Project Management Triangle is non-negotiable. People hate this. Which is normal.
Whoever wants the meeting most usually holds the least power.
Optimization and resources
A project optimization framework is often helpful in navigating compromises. Anyone reasonable agrees that one can't get anything cheap, fast, and good. You can get 2 of these goodies if you are open to compromises but more often than not, consider optimizing for one: It will be either cheap, fast, or good.
Here is how it applies to various types of resources:
Freelancers & studios: Relatively cheap, fast, and good.
Agency: You pay a lot for craftmanship and speed of execution, but managing the relationship is often bumpy, that's just how great stuff is made.
In-house: Hiring is the right crew is a long and tough process but worth it as it allows to scale and own the outcome internally.
Regardless of budget and timing, remember what Mick Jagger said: You can't always get what you want.
Immutable laws
Law of triviality: People within an organization commonly give disproportionate weight to trivial issues
Parkinson’s law: Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion
Two pizza rule: If you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, it’s too large
Pareto principle: aka 80/20 rule, the majority of results come from a minority
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law
What (PM) wisdom looks like:
Request -> Do it
Request -> {{ We can but Should we? }} -> Do it or don'tThis is 32
Convergence of closing projects, PTO, end of first trimester, and grandparents' support have created an odd clear space. It always takes me a moment to ease off of default work mode. The regular 2-day weekend doesn’t cut it, even cannabis assisted. Monday always seems to roll in before I actually catch a breath.
I went on a long ride in the Irish hills. On my mountain bike. It’s clearly not the tool for the job. My stoicism is a bit silly. I enjoyed maybe 20min then my shoulder and butt started to hurt. Nature is beautiful but the inevitable 30 minutes of windy, high-traffic road gave me the final blow.
I’ve bought and sold a bike every other year on average. That is unhealthy and not the kind of consumption pattern I want to maintain. Plus, after overhearing about local dudes' gravel bike fantasies, group rides, and general outdoor fitness, I’ve decided to step away from THE bike. The « cyclist » label doesn’t feel fitting. I’m not a bike advocate, nor a recreational mildly competitive, gear-hungry, strava addict cyclist. So instead of getting mad about both ends of the spectrum, I’ll just get off the saddle and join the ranks of the ambivalent e-bike riders, shoveling my kid and groceries, doing occasional golden hour detours.
I’ve been running consistently, though. The concrete initially scared me and my minimalist sensibilities. But with proper pace, padding, and habits, it’s been a good coping mechanism. 2miles is a good reset and can be performed 2-3 times a day, or extended at will. There is no real need for anything longer than 2 miles, after that, it’s for fun. Longer doesn’t bring more sanity or insight, just fatigue. Realistically I need more weight training. I need to get the bike out of my face. Get on my feet and tune in.
I have to confess that I have been agonizing over tracking. I dropped everything for a couple of weeks and it’s been torturing me every time I see a smartwatch. I generally spend more time thinking about ideas than the time it would take to actually do something about it - an agony fueled by the internet. I’m denying this to myself for now in the name of focus.
I haven’t engaged in anything creative and personal aside from my blog since moving to SLO. The outdoors, kiddo, and pregnant wife signed the end of a chapter of life for me. Side projects are dead, long live side projects! Perhaps only for a while or forever, speculation is not helpful or healthy.
I’ve driven our car for the first time since we bought it a few months ago. The convenience of the distance covered converts into an odd dullness. We went to Cambria in 50min. Got blown as we got out of the car. The wind was wild. We were poorly prepared and just followed the GPS. We made a couple of awkward U-turns and tried to walk. We were either cold or needed to pee. The main event was okay, the moment mattered more than the food. So salty it burnt the back of my tongue. We ended up back in Morro in a crappy « French » bakery. Pathetic pies, gross sandwiches, and soggy pastries were definitely on point, a truly accurate average French bakery. A couple of odd selfies punctuated our excursion because we have to do the millennial things we never do, just to remember why we hate it. Just like restaurants.
I’m rediscovering the pleasing feel of cotton shirts. Perhaps it is time for me to stop wearing a white T-shirt every day. It looks great, it’s available cheap, second-hand, and it breathes well. It drapes on my shoulders without making me like a sailboat.
10 years ago I was learning HTML. It's odd to contemplate this as I still use this piece of knowledge every day. Making websites is one of the things I've been doing for the longest. While Figma is slowly bridging the design/frontend, the ability to mentally preview how design translates into code has kept me employed and interested. We have neat technology like react but the base CSS is still the same (granted fancier). I'm glad I don't get to learn this stuff in the era of React and AI tools, that must be confusing AF.
I haven't watched a full movie in 2+ years.
I see a lot of dissonance and immaturity and yet a lot of growth. Many days squandered to anxiety and overreaction to baby and works things. On top of that, the sincerity I was finding in my self-reflection is going away. I'm becoming a drama queen succumbing to home and work thrash. Sleep is a reset. Every day I go through a whole cycle. My emotional tank from 60 to 0 by 3 pm. Thinking straight is harder, truly personal thoughts are rare. Sitting is a pain. My left eyelid started twitching randomly, every day. Lots happened above and below the waters of consciousness.
The first year post-partum was a shock. This is year 2 and number 2 is coming.
This is 32.
Shortcuts
Time, energy, and resources are limited for all of us.
Putting most of these toward productivity will distract from foundational stuff like eating and sleeping well. Surely the world needs our contribution, but to what extent?
Lots of AI tools boast low cost and dramatic time gain.
Taking what seems like a shortcut will inevitably nudge toward a loss of creative autonomy. Losing some is okay when the gain is offsetting, and it’s an intentional and measured act. Even if the tool for maximum cognitive output existed, it would lead to a race to the bottom. A race already ongoing, illustrated by the commoditization of creative work.
I spent years learning how to make more stuff. Higher fidelity, greater output volume, promote more stuff, build faster… and of course, this is not a viable long-term trajectory. The world goes on, and everyone leaves the race at some point. New tools, trends, and generations will come.
One’s knowledge will always be partial.
Being at peace with this is what makes a mature designer. Finding the words –talking it out– being a living voice is the work.
Difficulty is a prerequisite to fulfillment. The finest outcomes come from some form of restraint, voluntary or involuntary — An answer as interesting as it is vague. I like a good trauma-bonding chat. I get a lot more creative juice out of it than through the many newsletters I’m trying to keep up with.
It’s when seeking clarity that one often realizes how vague everything is. That’s what makes ambiguity so precious and painful. It is the inherent condition we all bathe in. The one we need to question by tweaking and trying stuff.
Believe those who seek the truth, doubt those who find it. — André Gide
There is no truth about the creative process.
No shortcuts.
Only a living voice.
** All the above seem to apply to all other big items like health, sport, family, philosophy…
Things that didn't work out
Ergonomic office setup. There no real ways to make sitting or standing at a desk 7+ hours a days, no matters how many breaks.
Going to the bottom of things. Being honest and thorough is not a viable approach for 95% of things that requires my input.
MVP and minimal-effective-dose frameworks. The best way to feel like I did not try very hard, desatisfaction guaranteed.
AirPods. I'm not trimming my ear hair for this.
Fitness trackers and apps. They all tap into my OCD. More harm than good. I fit int he "worried well" category.
Over communication. Really toxic at every scale. Household and work. Filtering is respect. Not every thought should be verbalized.
Making sense of work. Rationality is not a panacea. Understanding often goes against coping.
Replying. Any answer, positive or negative is a kind of engagement, it cost something. I'm okay with ignoring now, it's more disrespectful to myself than whoever I ignore.
Inbox zero. Trying is futile.
The standard american hydration prototocol (SAHP). Walking around with a bottle is water is just the best way to be looking for bathrooms and pass water. I drink when I feel like it. My kidneys will thank me.
Reading before bed. I may revisiting when I retire but for now I just can't.
Browsing sales. Buying something because it’s on sale is the worst reason. Either you need it or you don’t. Sales are a special kind of hell I’m not mentally equipped to navigate.
Gyms
Journaling. Fun for a month but faded. I'm not that kind of person. No interest in re-reading and very little therapeutic relief. Thinking back to my few streak I feel silly about having spent that time on my phone writing down trivial details as the days where unfolding. Not the kind of awareness I'm seeking
Grammarly
Insoles: I didn’t notice anything aside of mild extra discomfort
Driving: I don’t like it as an object or driving it. I only enabled us as a family to get by in America
Trying different kind of footwear. It looks like I reached a point in life where the cost of trying new things is significantly greater than the potential of finding better than current favorites.
Side projects. It’s either a project or not, there’s no side thing. Side projects create the ambiguity that lead to creative agony.
Audio content. If I don’t read, I don’t retain. In all honesty, if I’m only willing to listen to it, it will be at 2x speed because I don’t really care.
Spotify. It's just too much. I never finish a song. Music as a commodity diluted its essence. It’s just endless pleasing noise at this point.
iPhone 13 mini. I thought it would be a good one hand experience but it’s not great for anything that requires typing more than 3 words. Bummed.
Sabbath. I just can’t unplug fully, the struggle for making it happen nulls the potential when it does happen. Perhaps it is a moment in life things, it’s not my time yet. Juggling baby and work creates urgency to use white space time aggressively.
All time management software and content.
Stoicism adapted to modern struggles led me to some ridiculous thought patterns. Mainly by tapping in my deeply anchored work ethic and sense of virtue. I don't recommend to anyone who needs to "chill". Look at how all these guys ended, not where I want to be. Nevertheless a lovely philosophical detour.
Gravel bikes. The do-it-all bike doesn't exist.
Climate control. The mild comfort isn't worth the noise, energy and stuffiness.
Strollers. There is many ways to carry babies, strollers are the worse.
Shaving regularly
Mushroom coffee
Documenting the process. 90% overkill, nobody read. If you do it, do it for yourself. Nobody read. And those who do will not get it.
Analytics. The more data, the more confusion.
Organizing notes. Choas seems invevitable and productive. Only scale can and should be controlled
Strava
Group rides. Perhaps I'm too socially anxious or not interested in talking gear. I just want to be out.
Remote work: fully async works. in-person works. Remote is the mix that gets the worst of both world. High fidelity noise, maximum ambiguity, anxiety inducing.
Video games. Sold my "gaming" computer in 2017 and never looked back.
Talking about feelings. Verbalizing a feeling is giving it more definition and reality, the opposite of the initial intent. More meditation, less talking.
Talking about health. Partial knowledge, opinion and personal sensitivity are too hard to navigate to make it worth it. And nobody knows, everyone should chill, myself included.
Travel plans than involves more than a destination. Way too complicated, too hard to relax.
** All this stuff didn't work out for me, but maybe it did for you. This is intentionally focused on the negative, lots has worked out, that'll be for another post, somedays. I will try some of these again, and also new things. Small steps forward, some steps backwards, it all goes somewhere.
A conscious relationship with time
Getting the time has been a remarkably irritating experience lately.
The time is everywhere, yet I can't seem to remember it when I see it. It just doesn't register, and when I do, it's just an empty number.
Last year, I bought my first watch as an adult, a Casio 5600. My baby boy made his first teeth on it. Lost it. Twice.
I was hoping to recover some autonomy from my phone. It partially worked. I looked at my phone less while wearing it.
Then, I inherited a Fitbit that I wore for a couple of months. The tracking, poor fit, UI, and nature of the object really didn't work for me. Wearables, in general, seem to go against all rational intentions to have a healthy relationship with time by removing the "intuitive" aspect.
Nowadays, I use my phone. I got a case with really awkward buttons (unintentionally), which made unlocking/waking a terrible experience. So, I rarely do it. When I do, too much stuff on the screen distracts me. I tried a few configurations like no widgets, solid color background, turn off all the things... but with the latest iPhone, even the subtle motion of the wallpaper and the unlock icon seems to grab enough of my attention to rob me of the 1.5sec it would take to read time and shut down the screen. The swipe-up is so reflexive that I always end up on the home screen, where I have already forgotten why I unlocked it in the first place.
I have a particular hatred for desktops' default clocks. Squinting to see them at the top or bottom right corners reveals how pointless they are. Surely a computer should give the time, like a microwave, right?
Practically speaking, I need to keep track of time for many reasons. The big one, as a remote worker, is that daily life depends on improvised time management: the time between meetings and work blocks is where the soul breathes: walks, food prep, workouts, family breaks, appointments, and naps.
Most screen clocks use numbers to denote the time. They don't require any effort to read. Analog clocks require just a little more effort to read. This little bit of friction is what it takes for me to register. Beyond the simple numbers, the dial and hands visually convey times in meaningful chunks. These days, the only time chunks I see are on my calendar, oppressively stacking, leaving gaps of « free » time.
So I got another watch—an analog one. The presence of the object on the wrist feels odd. It's underwhelming. There is no screen, no steps, no heart rate, no battery indicator, and a real strap! It's barely legible at night!?
I grew up with an analog steel watch. I remember liking it because it made me look and feel like an adult. I vaguely remember my parents prompting me to teach me how to read the time. Beyond this, I never cared much about watches. I know there are the geeks, bros, and elites out there, knee-deep into it. Of all the rabbit holes, the watch enthusiasts community is one of my favorite. Because the gear ultimately leads to contemplation. Whatever the kind, it's ultimately to stare at it and look at time pass delightfully.
I'm not nostalgic about analog watches, though. I like the idea of journeying from wearables back to analog. At the same time, I also concede that modern tools are relevant in dealing with the contemporary world.
I don't need to reclaim my time. I've never had a great relationship with it. As a new dad, I've only recently realized how much time I waste as the cost of my quirks and OCDs.
If what is out of sight is out of mind, then having the thing on my wrist is a potent way to develop a conscious relationship with time. It's a backward move, but it may be what it takes.
On cycling
I love riding my bikes. There is too much to say and not much I can articulate beyond simple bullets. Mostly because I prefer to be out than writing.
- No ride is perfectly smooth, consider type 2 fun
- Quality of a ride depend on hydration and excretion
- Handlebar bag are the purse you need
- Music is only a nice to have
- Hip packs compress the bladder
- Layering rules
- Technical materials are often overrated
- Snack, carboloading is a bad idea
- Don't chug water
- Close your mouth, breath through your nose
- A bike isn't an armchair, discomfort is normal, don't agonize over ergonomics
- Four bikes does not make you 4X happier than one bike (Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility)
- Quit strava already
- Upgrade the tires firsts
- For long ride and bikepacking, consider YAGNI (You ain’t gonna need it)
- Buy basics locally, buy the fancy stuff online
- Sanity is somewhere between miles 2 and 5
- Learn to talk to yourself, or strap something to your handlebar
- You can, and should change your chain, break pads and tires yourself
- Nobody cares about your watts
- Stop (at least) every hour
- Beware of cars and dogs
- You will never fully understand gear ratios and derailleur adjustments, try anyway
- Lube the chain everytime you get out further than 3 miles
- Steel is all you need, be honest with your needs and desires when buying
- Find the right side saddle, marry it
- Don't be too nice, you're the one sweating
- Anticipate, wether on asphalt or in nature you're the smallest around
- Cables over electronics
- Stock pedals are fine
- Group rides are odd
- If someone wants to talk about bikes, it's a hit or miss
- Cycling as a few sub-niches that don't uderstand each other
- Popping a tire bead is very rewarding
- The rain is not ideal, wind is always harder
- Keep your helmet on - great conversation starter, and filter
- What goes up, goes down
- Cables > hydraulics > electronics
- It is always worth it, once you are out
- Stretching makes a huge difference
- Dead hang after a ride
- Patch kits
- Outdoor > Indoor
- Take layers off before you start sweating
- Gloves and helmet is all you need
- Most tech/accessories are overrated
- You need to prepare for 90% of your rides
DesignLog
State of Things
Most software design documentation sites are related to their design systems. The atomic design framework provides a straightforward nesting for the different levels:
> Foundations/principles/guide
+ Page
+ Page...
> Patterns & components
+ Intro
+ - Primitives (Atoms)
+ -- Components (Molecule + Organisms)
+ ---- Templates Each level gets its technical specs and guidelines, often with sandboxes, examples, do/don't, notes on usage, how to, accessibility…
Add an extra side dish of utilities to manage common attributes such as layout and spacing.
The sauce tying all this together is a few notes on principles. Some systems get fancy with words and visuals but more often than not it's the same set of reasons why a system approach.
All these goodies are packaged in a doc site template with your classic sidebar nav, a command palette search, and then it's markdown all the way. It works. Some are fancier than others but overall it has been standardized.
And that's it.
Issues
First off, the many contexts are never fully in sync. Figma, codebase(s), storybook, git, plugins, documentation… tools are getting better at talking to each other. Time and incremental gain will happen but won't solve the real problem.
We don't read. We scan. Human civilization has come so far since the first drawings on cave walls. We consume content differently. Accessibility of content and attention are on opposite curves. Docs are still in the Gutenberg era.
AI will make the how and what easier and more accessible. Understanding why will remain difficult. The guidance needed involves complex human dynamics and historical details on top of technical inputs to explain what, how, and why. AI is a lovely assistant, but it will only go as far as the search bar for a while.
While these are issues, they will undoubtedly improve gradually over time. I mention them because they are taking up the bulk of attention while they are not the most prominent problem.
The real problem
Teams have different levels of fluency with each context, yet everyone gets the same content—everything. Tabs and previews help, but those are UI patches. Docs are often biased toward availability. I hope you like to drink from the fire hose.
Design systems are designed, built and maintained by the classic EPD orgs. This doesn't reflect the full list of ingredients involved in the end product. Design systems are often not covering the full atomic design range.
One of the biggest advantages atomic design provides is the ability to quickly shift between abstract and concrete.
Design docs site provides few examples of how the system is actually used. When it does, it's in isolation, to fit the sitemap. You see the button specs on the button page, maybe a hero or section with buttons, tags linking to other uses of the components.
The only way to see the final end product is to find it in the wild. Blog posts or changelogs offer some visual reference but are often scarce. We can do better.
A suggestion
I believe in exposing the end-to-end process.
Process artifacts provide insights into how a system has developed. By examining various iterations, one can anticipate the next steps or understand all the characteristics that have undergone changes. Even if the reasons behind the changes aren't immediately apparent, the visual representation can reveal the modifications that have occurred.
Engineers have a cool thing: changelogs. Changelogs provide a record of all notable changes made to a project. Design systems have releases following the same format. Changelogs often focus on technical aspects and little visuals.
We need a sort of Design Changelog.
Although the nature of the log will be similar, it should be tailored to design to convey progress, changes, reflection, and inspiration. I see this design changelog as a portfolio showing the maturation of patterns coming together to form a coherent ecosystem.
What would the child of a changelog and a design portfolio look like?
DesignLog V0.1
Show the work. Each ship gets added to a folder labeled with the URL or relevant short title + date. Everything gets displayed in a feed sorted by quarters. The timeline structure is pivotal; do not sort by per project/team. No nesting is recommended to limit cognitive load and the need for advanced search.
I'm a strong believer in the idea of files over apps. Use existing & familiar tools to create a simple feed+post: folders, markdown with images.
One timeline view. One detail view.
Each project gets a standardized markdown file:
- Title
- Publication date
- Type: Case study, shipped, long form
- Contributors @names
- Content: goals, challenges, highlights, layout, story, visuals and other assets.
- Optional annotated visual highlights
- Component used tagged # (to refer to design system docs)
The (markdown) format allows to cover both shipped items but also longer form content such as design principles, team processes and others topic that require depth. The default should be simple and can flex up. Treating the designLog as a standalone entity with its own front end gives it dimension and incentivizes good maintenance. It doesn’t need to be fancy, a simple PHP script reading a folder, hosted on GitHub pages will do it.
It is not:
- A metrics report
- Another Google doc or Dropbox folder
- A shiny portfolio
- Only a changleog with images
- As simple as a social post
But wait…
It's adding something to the docs. Wouldn't adding stuff make the problem worse by inflating the amount of content?
Finding where this lives is the key to unlocking its utility. The DesignLog could live within the existing design system doc platform or be its own thing. The crosslinking via component tags and contributors will weave the DesignLog in. The technical constraint may end up dictating the location.
Plateauing well
A note on personal growth in the corporate ecosystem.
The (current) system runs on growth. Economic growth starts (or ends) with personal development, a dynamic often illustrated by the corporate principle of a 'growth mindset.'
Grossly speaking, this translates to treating individuals like gears of the system. This is Meritocracy. This seemingly obvious logic only started to show its downsides during the pandemic. Locked in, it became hard to miss the lack of humanity, particularly in the tech ecosystem.
Like most things alive, humans don't just constantly grow. We evolved in nonlinear patterns. Ups and downs, trials and tribulations, are inherent parts of the human journey. The current corporate system isn't designed for that. Rapid turnover, burnout, anxiety, and other ills have been documented extensively. From personal observation, it's empathy and individual effort that keep things going.
Deloading is a common strategy to deal with the pressure and issues associated with it (depression, anxiety, burnout). Sabbatical and generous leave policies allow the release of some steam but don't address the root cause. Downgrading is rarely an option. When it is, it's often a tough transition.
A Plateau is periodically a relevant trajectory. Unfortunately, it is tricky to explain in a performance review. Yet everyone sensible understands the energy scarcity that comes with certain phases of life.
Plateauing well is about increasing leverage while reducing mean effort. The time opened is where one can recover, cope, or both.
It's okay not to desire to do more.
Native UI web design
Web and apps are 2 different ecosystems by nature. The UX gap is narrowing thanks to increasing bandwidth and device performance. This opened the gate to "Native (mobile) UI" web design.
Blurring the lines between app and web is not just a niche for web apps (or designer personal websites). Many websites these days opt for a Native mobile UI look and feel. Less column, more stacks, consolidated navigation...
The web 2.0 "responsive" hit a plateau a few years ago already while product design keeps pushing the envelope. It's a tad unfair to classic web design as it has to cater to both large and small screens, but still...
I appreciate that this approach suggests good practices, like accessibility and performance. Accessibility stems from the massive organizations that have tested and refined their patterns for a while now. Most of us are comfortable with it. Native is fast, fluid, and sharp, versus the static, freeze-reloads of the web.
The most common Native UI design systems, apple, and android suggest a certain rigor regarding information hierarchy that tends to lead to minimalist layouts and UIs. The extensive documentation, high quality, and abundant examples in our pockets are likely responsible for it, in a good way, for once.
There is the aesthetic question: Is Native UI neutral or is the choice of it reflecting something? – I see Native UI as the Bootstrap of web3, merging contexts for the smoothest UX. I perceive a desire to convey a blend of optimism and conformity in those going for it.
When it comes to UI, I see homogeneity as a common good, commoditization of it for the benefit of all, like the printing press. We all know how to use a book, a newspaper… a website, an app.
It's that striping of the branding ego that feels good to me. The content-first design approach is struggling to keep up with the pace of the ecosystem. Native UI provides the container that brings the focus back to the content.
I'm personally interested in how Native UI flexes for more editorial/showcase web use cases. I love how web design has been coming back in since the crypto-boom (winter 21–).
A dog named Crab
Once Annie described the typical life progression a way I still found agreeable:
As a child, you’re told what to do by your parents. Then school becomes your main goal, all the way to the end of your educational journey. Then you find a job and become independent. Then you’re completely free. A thrilling and terrifying feeling.
I thought I knew what I wanted. I landed a great job, started to save some money, got some romantic satisfaction, traveled a bit, got myself some nice shoes… and then I sat on that bench in Tokyo on my 25th birthday.
Since then I got married, had a kid, and bought a house. I resumed the progression through the establishment of the Western way of life. It makes sense, conceptually. It doesn’t come without pain but the shared conceptual basis is so strong that it’s easy to reframe.
I’m still shocked at how silly I was just a few years ago. Contemplating how this will be true until the end, is equally shocking.
Maturity is not reached through a set of cathartic milestones, tipping moments of acknowledgment, eurekas.
I thought having a child would be one of those. It wasn’t. Life has been a slow drama, that feels intense in the moment, but pathetic in retrospect. A sort of type 2 fun thing where the satisfaction comes long after the challenge.
My deepest contemplative moments were almost always while outside or stretching. Often after a stressful situation. Just like my best pumps were in the kitchen while doing set while cooking.
I thought I was a weirdo that thrived on inadequate pairings. Today I viscerally know I'm not alone. A few days ago I met a dog named Crab.
There is something to it. It’s just not grand or philosophically satisfying.
To read or not to read
Like taking a walk, I can’t think of a time I regretted reading something. A real thing, not just a sign or a bumper sticker. Even an article from someone I disagree with or something poorly written. Especially since getting married, reading material is a great way to break out of gossip and home logistics.
On the flip side, I can’t think of a video piece (movie, YouTube, or social media story) that I can fully get behind. Even the most inspiring Ted talk or indie piece.
Perhaps I haven’t read anything bad enough or watched a good enough movie (I watched Forest Gump btw). Maybe I’m not receptive, or some other personal bias. Objectively thought, the type of cognition is different, changing the feeling of engagement. The content can be the same but as it's been argued extensively, the medium is the message.
Considering how reading has benefited our species, this will sound like the stupidest way to promote reading. That’s unfortunately the kind of reason that keeps me going.
AI is throwing a curveball here. What is the point of reading something one didn’t bother to write? Does my "will-I-regret-doing-this" reasoning apply to generated text content? I don't think so. I have no interest in reading anything created by a computer, except for documentation and transcripts.
P.S.: it feels hypocritical to not mention that I don’t read as much as one may assume considering the nature of the topic: ~3-4 books/year, actively following ~10 blogs, ~10 long-form articles/month
Web design grids
We all stare at screens displaying information. Grids are the framework for arranging the information on the screen. The best resources on grids are often utilitarian and geared toward developers (CSS framework docs) or templates (web publishing platform). Web design is immature - compared to architecture, the most common comparison. This is a grossly oversimplified overview of web design grids.
History
Product design cannibalized most of the educational enthusiasm during the app boom. Since then the most extensive resources have been skewed toward product design. The great teaching tools from the golden era of print are still relevant but aging. Josef Müller-Brockmann's book sits on desks and shelves proudly, as an inspiring artifact more than a technical reference (at least from what I can tell).
Containers
Containers are the foundation of the grid. They contain the columns and are most often centered on the page. Sizes vary but rarely go over 1300px. There are common patterns but no set standard. On mobile the container flexes to 100% minus side padding.
It's common to have 2-3 container sizes (narrow - regular - large) to accommodate different types of content. Large for image or video. Narrow for text or headings.
A few container sizes: 620px (this site) 960px (old school, love it) 980px (apple narrow) 1248px (bootstrap 5) 1280px (GitHub Primer) 1500px (Amazon)
Columns
Grids are most often defined as a fixed set of columns. Either centered (taking the full width of the container) or stretched (taking the full width of the screen) with a gap. The idea is to provide a visual guide to define the actual columns in which the content will be placed.
Generally, 1 to 4 columns will cover all layouts. Limiting the number of columns to a maximum of 4 allows for good density, even 4 columns are already very dense.
The grid itself is here only to define columns. You may not use it to avoid too much visual noise during design.
Mobile
On mobile (all screens under 800px wide) all columns under 50% width collapse into a stack of 100% width. By following a rudimentary set of columns (like the above), one can skip the struggle of the in-between desktop and mobile breakpoints (aka - tablets). This aggressive approach paired with responsive spacing and type scales, yields a strong layout base that will flex across all resolutions. Keeping up with screen size is not a viable strategy, hardware evolves quickly (and wildly). It's tempting, and sometime necessary, to make exception to this rule. In my experience, keeping to such a strict strategy allowed to scale layout and creative while covering 90% of the editorial web design needs.
Spacing
Gutters are the spaces between columns. They create an even horizontal alignment between the elements in a row, promoting consistent spacing throughout the layout. Nested elements can have their own padding or be aligned to the grid
- (empty) Columns can be used to create offsets
- Avoid nesting rows. Prefer stacking for elements within columns.
- Parent sections should have the largest top/bottom padding
- Narrower container = Fewer columns option
HTML
The grid structure translates into nested markup in HTML. Knowing and thinking of this nesting is an important part of working with grids.
<section>
<div class="container">
<div class="row">
<div class="col-1-2">
// Stuff goes here
</div>
<div class="col-1-2">
// Stuff goes here
</div>
</div>
</div>
</section>Forward statement
CSS updates, new browsers, devices, and spatial computing will continue to enable new possibilities. The human eye and our attention won't get an upgrade anytime soon. The ever-increasing volume of content leads me to believe that layout is a major lever we should pull to promote a pleasant experience.
Thought holding
When an interesting thought springs in my head and the urge to make something of it happens, I hold the thought. Most of the time this holding process is forced by context switching. Unfortunately, I rarely have creative impulses during work blocks. Inspiration rarely strikes at the right time, doesn't it? Or when it does your kid erupts in your office, or you need to jump on a call in 2min...
One would think that in this day and age where note capture is available on voice command, dictation, or a tap away. Why would I engage in such a primitive practice and not leverage these modern tools?
Because most of my brilliant brain squeezes are mostly garbage. I've read about a similar strategy often referred to as the "creativity sink". A sort of filtering or distillation process to get to the good stuff.
That's not what I'm doing here. I'm actually hoping for things to get out of my life. By trusting that something important sticks, I'm engaging a sort of transcendental trust in "the process". This is an almost spiritual practice where I trust something above me to keep me on track and do what needs to be done.
As silly as it sounds, it's a lot of my brain power that I let run this way. I heard similar stories from new parents, constantly bouncing between baby and work. Dropping the ball is inevitable. Thinking you'll never drop it is delusional. So why not get comfortable with the idea of a few drops?
I held, lost, and came back to this thought for about a year.
Web designers
When I landed in SF back in 2016 I was getting exposed to a whole new set of job titles. Not only did they seem quite hyperbolic but I noticed that there were very few "web designers". This appeared odd since all companies have websites. So who makes and maintains these (increasingly fancy) things?
Most large companies have either outsourced to agencies/studios or embedded web in their brand or marketing orgs. An often awkward in-between leading to inconsistencies and rapid tech debt (to name the two biggest issues).
On the side, there's a growing and very competitive array of tool experts incentivized by certification and embedded marketplaces like Webflow, Wix, Shopify… these guys fill the gaps, rarely providing long-term solutions, feeding the whole "design as a subscription" model.
I believe Web designers became in short supply because of the product design shift (2014–). The definition of "product" varies depending on companies as some consider their website as an extension of their product experience.
The ubiquitousness of websites has driven a lower value perception while apps have been enjoying the opposite trend. Granted, that might have stabilized by now as we all have hundreds of apps installed on phones; but still, there are and will always be a lot more websites.
This situation led to few designers nowadays truly understanding CSS, sitemap, CMS, hosting, LAYOUT, web dev languages, semantic markup... that's a shame considering how the web is going. Specialization and the economy of scale have done their usual thing.
Lower costs, lowering the barrier of entry. More people. More business. More content (so much more). As always the true cost, health, is eclipsed.
The web like any other place needs careful builders. People who code their own CSS and know why it's important to keep it simple and clean (and what clean and simple actually looks like). Based on my experience, the indie web people are the closest to the web designers of the 2010s.
Maybe I missed something? Perhaps my linkedin/dribbble based assessment is flawed? If so feel free to holler at me.
Async over-communication
A notification pops up somewhere. A bot relays it to project management and/or comms (slack). A thread gets started in situ. Always ends up being mentioned or continued in a different context. Some will type an actual reply, most will only react. May get indexed as a task in PM software. A loom or more extensive notes get sent out to address it. Then maybe a meeting happens to further align « in person ». The meeting gets recorded and distributed via multiple channels to reach everyone who might be related to the discussion items. Automated email notifications are sent via tagging. Comments and reactions add up at all levels and channels. Sometimes a « resolved » status gets added if/when the task gets cleared in one or more contexts.
Human groups (you know, friends) and companies rely on these patterns and tools to various degrees. What used to be called the « game of telephone » got to a whole different level. The situation remains the same but the degree of removal via interface has stripped even more humanity from the process.
Our species is where it's at thanks to its ability to communicate and collaborate. From massive gains from the invention of the printing press to the controversial Slack. It’s been a gradual escalation of over-communication. To a point where I often wonder if we haven’t reached the inversion of the ratio of effort(showing the cumulation of friction, miscommunication) to result…
At the park
The park is packed. Everyone seems to be there for a play date, chatting with someone already. Mostly moms stuck in jeans and dads with brewery T-shirts. I'm happy to be isolated. I have nothing in common with these guys and I'm happy about it. I'm like Yannou, creepin'. Conversations are bogus. Weekend plans in Ventura, Wineries, Kids activities. LaCroix cans abandoned on the playground.
A Chinese family doesn't blend it. I confirm Mandarin in 2 sentences. A young mom with makeup like a stolen car has a peepee-timer going off on her Apple watch. She unfolds a collapsible potty that looks like a camping/dog bowl. Her reef-flip-flop-wearing husband wobbles over with a gait as stable as my 15-month-old. Yannou has been going around the first structure with mandarin stuffed in his mouth. The crash happens. I got eye contact from everyone that was ignoring me until then. A classic. Going upstairs, miss and faceplant. The mandarin might have cushioned a bit but the scene is gnarly. Half the mandarin is hanging out of his mouth completely bloody. He refuses to do anything about it and keeps going around other kids who are semi-terrified.
We've only been here 10min. The blood has stopped 2 min later, still chewing the same mandarin slice. He bangs his head standing back up under a structure, 6 times as if he didn't register the pain. It's therapeutic to witness. My own genes are right in front of my eyes. Self-injuring bouffon, just like me. I move him one inch backward as another dude gives me a side-eye. Most dudes are clearly there because their wives asked. The boredom, solitude, and awkwardness his delightful. Human nature is a kid's park, messing with everyone.
Reboot
I'm bringing my blog back, properly. It will be closer to a stream of consciousness. Mostly because I refuse to talk to a professional therapist about design systems and sidewalk philosophy. Also to relieve my wife a bit.
I'm done with Medium. The writing and publishing experiences are gross and the community sounds phony at best. I've read enough big-names dropping cliche advice and witty anecdotes. And I do not want to inch toward this type of writing.
I crave my own place to do whatever I want, freely.
Like most things I build, I do it for myself. Like they say - the fool who persists in his folly will become wise. Perhaps I'll get there by putting my words out there. It will surely go somewhere. Perhaps that's the zen exercise I need.
I've written more in the last year than ever before. Mostly journaling. I've been craving a different kind of output. Beyond simple description. Something closer to an essay but without the polish. A sort of stream of consciousness. Raw, a tad crazy. But good enough to live out there on the internet.
The fool who persists in his folly will become wise – Perhaps I'm taking W. Blake too literally.
Typos and half-baked thoughts have been and will always be my own.
2023
I don’t remember much already. Not in a neurodegenerative sense. In the sense that each past moment is truly gone. Aja said that the dots always connect in retrospect, implying that remembering is some kind of defining process. My wife exemplifies that. That makes me doubt, that perhaps not looking back or recording is immature. I’ve been welcoming flashbacks but not putting much effort into taking notes. I just don’t feed the nostalgia or take pleasure in treasuring my memories.
I lost my mind quite a few times in 23. Most moments of peace came up when I was out and about, especially when running, cycling, or working out. I run in circles every day and do the same pushup sets... I’ve found that movement in a familiar environment works better than having the most ergonomic setup, hacks, and productivity routines. Somehow, the inner crippling self-talk fades as I get in motion outside of the house (whatever the place or house). Being out there in the world gives me the release I need. The cryptic gifts of walking abound as Craig Mod calls it. Outside is not always nice or easy. Weather, traffic, and fatigue (sweat and squinting, so much squinting) are always there but they take a reasonable dimension. Not like in the house where they seem to be overwhelmingly important to consider.
As I’m reflecting on being a father during conversations lately, I found myself rehashing the following: the existential shift lies in the moments in between. The quiet reveals naturally a deep sense of peace with the world where I previously needed ritualistic attention. The few mornings I wake up before him are sacred times.
Yann turned one. He is quite a dramatic baby. He is playing with us. No rules. His mood has been just as erratic as everyone around. Except that he gets over himself quickly. Witnessing a fully present baby going through his day is a grounding and maddening spectacle. He gets frustrated, smashes the thing, hurts himself, cries, then gets on to the next thing. I love him with the same intensity I hate him. The swings are wild. He is a baby, he has no responsibility – this might be the legalistic rhetoric our civilization has enforced to guarantee survival and not reflect the true feelings of parents.
I all, it’s the lack of presence in everyday moments that puts the sting in every missed opportunity for a good time due to that obsession with fixing (or getting to the bottom of) things. I have been trying so hard to get rid of the impulse to verbalize every thought that comes to mind, or observation (like – oh, there is {thing} there) that when someone around doesn't realize they are doing just what I'm trying to avoid, it feels like a lack of respect for my time and attention.
The situation is fairly simple: when one is not feeling good, one is not mentally primed (mostly primed for empathy). That’s what makes being a parent tough. There’s always someone feeling gross, something rubbing somebody the wrong way. Everyone’s contrarian impulses went from a quirky pain in the butt to absolute torture. I choose how I feel - most of the time. Shit will go down, it’s just a matter of time. And yet my wife wants to act like if something is undesirable it should not ever happen again. That seems irrational. I'm lying when I say that I’m « working on it » - there’s no working on making sitting 6h a day behind a screen feel acceptable. And yet I do it and still sleep well. That might be the positive side of the Protestant work ethic... I give everything I have and that’s enough for me to feel like I’ve done my best.
We are now in a big house. We got the things we worked and waited for. I'm sitting at our old kitchen counter that is now my desk. So much of the emotional load of this year makes this moment feel like we just transplanted ourselves into a new container but have not actually changed our environment (NorCal, SoCal, MidCal... all the same. Now closer to Costco than ever). The world is still loud around us, perhaps I'm just too sensitive or I'm seeking catharsis in every transition. Zen principles surely have been working inside, coming in waves as the mood clears. All the clever, deep, or odd images fade into the blur of every day to sometimes surface in the form of a visceral acknowledgment of how all this is completely pointless, and yet it is.
As an odd ending note: anything is everything and nothing at the same time. House, hair, family, your own body, thoughts, work... all those things are concepts. Made-up stuff that means something post-conception. We can’t live only in the pre-conception state. We’re civilized which means living according to many concepts. It is exhausting and not meaningful in and out of itself. “Simply being” is hard and easy at the same time. My forehead attests to the struggle. I don’t need to find the right words to describe anything, especially my feelings. My lack of vocabulary and experience working through feelings is a blessing I’ll never be able to thank my parents for.
It is what it is...
On digital gardening
My initial reaction was a double negative. Although not fully defined as a “side project” - DG seems to now be a thing a lot of people in my industry indulge in while subtly conveying this as a virtuous practice that may lead to their future success by nurturing thoughts (thus the garden metaphor) or be a way to inspire more broadly others that would stop by. Although some people do this “gardening” privately, most seem to be very happy to share publicly with various levels of fidelity. There is something organic and human about the process. Almost an indie web vibe but some aspects feel wrong at the moment.
DG seems to be a rebrand of what used to be labeled “productivity tech” - not that it fully replaced it as some honest companies are still proudly wearing the label. With the general acceptance of mindfulness practices, productivity finally got recognized for what it is: a form of ego-driven hustle.
The virtue thing is rubbing me the wrong way. I was amused by Maggie Appleton's critique of the daily notes page (DNP) potentially leading to content collapse. Leading her to mention the old saying “Don’t shit where you want to think critically”. Of course, she expands on technical aspects of note-taking that I’m neither interested nor knowledgeable about. There is a smell of liberal arts self-importance. An impulse to record every thought, freely old fashioned style in a paper notebook, or a structured manner in whatever software.
Perhaps it is some contemporary peeps version of living an examined life. Plato himself seemed to be a man who liked control and virtue. Perhaps I’m just refusing the reality of the current tools and communication trends. There is after all more autonomy and introspection than in the social media of just a few years ago. Perhaps the Twitter dumpster fire, Facebook ever rising tide of sewage, TikTok doom scroll agony, and the Insta FOMO depression induced this DG thing.
The Digital Gardeners of today sound phony to me. Granted, in a less intellectually insulting way than traditional social media. But the impulse remains: I need to put a lot of stuff out to contribute and somehow make the world a better place. But after all, I have a blog... which seems to be the ancestor of the digital garden? At least blogging is clearly subjective and honest.
Content is content. It wants attention. Leads to distraction and often calls for tracking of some kind. The term content is the antithesis of knowledge. Or perhaps the unprocessed version of it? In any case a lesser thing than knowledge. In my current vocabulary map content is often associated with marketing.
Don’t get me wrong. Notes are fine, they absolutely fit in the basic needs of life, particularly modern life with all of its pragmatic logistical requirements. I also acknowledge that taking notes is a great way to store information for later review. Whether it takes the shape of a personal diary or work todos, notes are just a snippet, often short and personal. But nowadays it is a lot more than that. I believe I’d have much less to say if notes weren’t subject to the same issues as most web/app-based tools. Tools that have gotten so powerful, specialized, and available (and marketed) to all. Everyone does not need a second-brain setup. Perhaps researchers and assistants can benefit from such frameworks but I believe nobody really needs such things. Quite the opposite. Appreciate the one brain that you have and learn to leave it alone instead of trying to jack it up.
Tools distracting from ethics aren’t new or a productivity-tech-only issue. “It’s not because you can that you should” - translates here into: a free notion account could help you manage some stuff that stresses you out. But consider your relationship to the stuff in the first place and you'll address the root cause.
Holistically though, I see the argument for knowledge accumulation via writing being the foundation of human civilization. Notes are the seeds that eventually lead to larger, coherent things we call books. That’s an absurdly gross oversimplification but feels like it carries why everyone thinks taking notes is “important”. I’m convinced a lot of people practice note-taking because they think they may have a grand idea worth sharing with the world (definitely blaming social media and Twitter for giving a place for every brain fart).
For me, taking notes is just a temporary release. A tool amazing by its simplicity. A convivial tool like I.Illich would say. Thanks to it I can unload thoughts onto a “note” and literally forget about it. Sometimes fun stuff, like Robbie’s “silly band names and EPs” or long rants on bad days. It doesn’t need any fancy features, just a sticky.
Quantum, Zen, and other things
I have encountered in various contexts, similar notions that tickled me. So far I have been unable to connect the dots for myself and struggled to talk about it in a coherent way, but here I go.
The first concept shared by both Zen (and Daoism) and quantum is the basis that everything is a vibration. Vibration is defined by a pattern made of two opposite aspects (on/off, up/down, front/back, 0/1, dead/alive). That principle extends to all things and suggests to consider this dichotomy. Nothing is just good or bad. If it is one way then there must be its opposite. It’s often obvious but rarely comes easily.
Zen, Hindu, Daoism, Quantum, and science, all have something to say about water to varying degrees. From important to essential. If everything is a vibration, then resonance is a major interaction. That particularly matters in the case of water which is omnipresent in nature and « carries « more than just H2O. Minerals and molecular structures have been observed in the natural state. If nature is the source of knowledge, water is a sort of bloodstream.
Language is very limited (a lot more than I thought. I thought I was not smart enough to pick the right words and make elaborate enough sentences but no…). Words and numbers are convenient to navigate the world but they are not the world. They are symbols. Meditation and contemplative experience can allow us to glance at what things really are, an experience happening only in the present.
Humans (certainly me) have a very hard time thinking of anything that involves more than 3 variables. Our technology is a reflection of our minds, scaled. Our minds are limited and inputs dramatically increasing, machines are helping us stay afloat but it’s a losing game. Maths have a hard time flexing to fit the quantum theory: Nonlinear subtle inputs.
I often came back to this fact that seems quite fundamental: Every system is defined by a higher system. Religious people see god as the highest system that has nothing above it. Eastern philosophies seem to have a cosmic entity often labeled - the universe - as the highest level. That seems like a simple difference of word choice but it is major. The diffuse nature of this higher entity allows a narrative grounded in something that feels non-dogmatic. This seems closer to a scientific observation process but for things of quality. Words get weird and should be considered as an invitation to sensory perception rather than a symbol-based description.
Understanding nature with a framework of complexity (linear input processing) is meaningless; if our physical bodies and nature are seen as unified, it makes perception easier. Quality of experience reveals itself and its importance only when we acknowledge that. A nap is « good » for you any many ways that can be explained with medical/scientific logic but the great feeling that you get when waking should be the real focus.
A lot of things happen without us knowing how. Pursuing an understanding of all things is not necessarily wise, and certainly not always useful. Although we know more and more about nature and our brains we still do not know why things actually happen or came to be. Bees should not fly according to aerodynamics. We don’t know how we originate our thoughts or motion commands like moving our fingers.
Also, a lot of things happen and are hard to perceive. Our bodies can help us understand that there is a lot going on at a very subtle internal level. A bit of this can be perceived by doing things much slower. Trying to pay attention often leads to nothing. Not trying to do something is the best way to experience the thing. Giving up is an art that often requires trying very hard to get to a cliff moment.
On matters of esoteric stuff it seems that unless someone is already interested in these kinds of matters, it is virtually guaranteed that they WON'T be receptive to what you may try to introduce them to. That's just the way it goes for some reason. It takes a truly open mind to appreciate spiritual material. Without that openness it's a cart-before-the-horse situation; it won't go anywhere.
The sharp intellect of BBL and my own, paired with my 2000s secular upbringing have shaped me into a dull and fairly insensitive creature. I just don’t feel much. Pain and anger seem to be vaguely constructed by observing those around me more than genuinely be personal expressions. My sense of self as an entity seems to be defined by sheer muscular tension. My sore feet from countless baby walks and shuffling on concrete or other hard surfaces have been a big source of pain and general tension. After 30min I can feel the weight, the impacts, and how it drags my energy down. I recently tuned in more subtle, but no obvious signals. My face and all the muscle in the jaws, eyes, temples... intentional release has been a way to acknowledge buildup. For my noon nap, I've been focusing on relaxing "what's between my eyes" which has been a great way to ease into a general relaxed state.
My hands
During the summer of 2019 while doing pullups on the outdoor structure of our apartment complex in Berkeley I started to have some mild pain in the forearm and the right hand. I was trying some odd moves while bare hands or wearing gardening gloves. Not a wise beginning. I brushed off the initial pain and put it on the fact that I was new to calisthenics and that a few bumps would happen. The forearm pain is still there, often the result of an obvious strenuous bar-based activity but that's not the point here. I started to notice growths on my right-hand middle and 3rd fingers.
Lots of online research later and with the wet bay area winter Sharon and I started to develop chilblains. It took us a while to identify the obvious. I thought that it was normal to have red hands when it's cold... Sharon broke the stoic spell. We bought gloves for the dishes and started to pay more attention to our hands. My weird bumps were still there and with the chilblains combined with my excessive biking, it didn't get better.
During the winter I reached out to my doctor. Photos were not helpful, so I got in for an exam. Inconclusive. Got referred to a hand specialist that thought this could be some benign tumors. Then a hand surgeon for a second opinion. Nobody was able to say what it was.
I was offered to surgically remove to bumps. And then get a biopsy of the removed tissue. The bumps were not getting bigger or smaller. New ones ended up appearing until a couple of weeks before surgery.
In late spring 2020, I went in and got my bumps excised. Quick job. In less than 4 hours I was in and out of the Kaiser Medical Center of Richmond.
2 weeks later, the biopsy came back from the dermatology department. It's just a granuloma annulare... a fairly common, definitely benign condition. The dermatologist who announced this to me was mildly bummed that I did get the chance to ask her before because she could have clearly identified the granuloma without needing to bounce me around the hand surgery specialist and cut my hand open.
I recovered from surgery during the summer. Lots of one handed showers and starring at the stitches like hamlet to his skull.
In spring 2021, I got into the idea of wood carving. Spoons more specifically. After a few weeks of pleasant stoic agony with one knife, I decided to get a Japanese gouge from Ida Tool to sculpt nicer spoon bowls. A couple of days after the purchase I managed to sculpt a hole a the base of my left thumb.
3 stitches that ended up being a bigger pain than the 30ish from the year before. Scar tissue buildup required a year of massaging, and scrapping to get to an acceptable state. It still feels noticeably different. Less mobile, stiffer.
Since then I managed to stubbed 2 toes. Both broken. My big toe on the left was an absolute pain. Turns out I broke it on 2 sides of the same joint. Pathetic injury. I slammed my foot in a kitchen cabinet while enraged by my baby pushing stuff off the counter. It took half a year for me to get an X-Ray and a full year for the toe to get back to normal-ish size. It flares up randomly and will forever be shitty.
We all learn to deal with the realities of being a human body through injuries and conditions. All of my prior health mishaps were either too long ago or not that severe. This recent journey with my hands and entering my 30s brought the realization that wear and tear will add up, injuries or not. P
Pain is unavoidable. Accidents happen. I'm learning slowly accepting to not wait for all of my health wishes to miraculously come true. They won't. My hands will never feel great again. Most of my misery shed light on my inability to let myself recover. To truly rest and accept finitude. A journey that will resume the next time something happens... my fault or not.
Tools, autonomy, contemplation
A few years ago I wrote a rather silly post that was rambling on how tools were not the point, but rather the way they were used. Duh. I used the comparison between the Apollo 11 landing module code, written in Assembly, 11MB back in 1983, and Snapchat, which back in 2019 was all the rage with the first AR filters. My point was simple and silly: our use of seemingly better code or technology is appalling because nowadays it serves mostly useless ends. Thus the title of the post: From the Moon to Snapchat.
I still share a deep feeling of shame about the belief in technology but for fairly different reasons. The first, simplest one is that Moore’s law doesn’t apply to human wisdom. It took me a while to understand the limits of technological progress.
It’s 2022. I’ve spent the second half of my twenties in the Bay Area and went through the pandemic. I went through a couple of obsessive phases, driven by hope, love, fallacies, and biases fed by various things. Things I can now clearly identify as Tools. Disposable income, free time, and availability caught me as I arrived in the Bay area. Coming from a fairly rural place, I experienced a shock. I tried to navigate purchase decisions with a rigorous (borderline ascetic) framework. I went all the way to evaluating the healthiness of my relationships with each of the things, ranging from acceptable vanity to clearly healthy choices (fitness tracker, bike, sports equipment, supplements). I perceived all of these things as tools. Tools that I was using to my advantage. This simple belief in the one-way relationship I have with tools started the obsessive rabbit hole of optimization. Money, time, and energy are the only limits of this process. Today this logic based on incremental gain is the norm. Politics and businesses sell these as solutions. (Tools = solutions = progress)
For me, the pandemic has been the sunset of this logic. Observing the pandemic unfold in real life and online has been such an intelligence-insulting spectacle. The examples are countless. The loss of autonomy made us react in all the ways, the chaos inside is obvious but dulled by all the distractions. Tools make life bearable. Thus without them, we can’t function. Smartphones are an easy target of the defenders of our autonomy. Cars, power supply, the gig economy, the supply chains, our food system… we can’t live without them. They make sense, and by that I mean, we can rationally explain the reason for their existence. And yet they promote an absurd way of life.
I use the term absurd because I have seen and heard too many intelligent people devote an “absurd” amount of energy to end up telling us things like: sleep is really good for you. Mental health is important. Exercise is great. The volume and quantity of the content and technology out there are mind-blowing and yet useless. If something looks or sounds vaguely useful, we’ll have it. We can’t seem to go against that instinct. And yet we praise and seek wisdom. Tools used to bridge the gap between wisdom and the physical world. They were so limited that we were forced to consider their limits. That didn’t stop us from making colossal mistakes but there were at least limits. Maybe it is driven by some generational exceptionalism, but we seem to have gotten past the threshold of clever intellectual delusions when it comes to faith in technology. The software will not fix global warming, Soylent will not replace a home-cooked meal, iPads will not replace teachers, and an app won’t fix your brokenness…
As you can probably tell, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but something is clear now — at the end of each obsessive phase I reach an existential moment. This very unique time reveals what the stuff I obsessed about robbed me of. It’s always the same thing: contemplation. The existential dread of having been fooled again made me label this as a simple loss of time, money, and energy, but it’s something else. Contemplation reveals the conviviality in life — moments and simple things.
Using knowledge as a tool doesn’t necessarily lead to wisdom. Especially when knowledge is extrapolated from data. Ivan Illich really worked its way through my skull as he defined the rarely acknowledged side of what a tool is and does. Simply put: The enablement allowed by a tool is proportional to the loss of autonomy for its user. As an example: a knife is great because it allows you to cut stuff that you couldn’t without having the knife. That implies that you depend on the knife to cut stuff. Even in the case of a primitive tool like the knife, it gets problematic when the knife becomes dull. But at least it’s a direct relationship between tool/user/outcome. It is in indirect cases where the loss of autonomy isn’t obvious that things get hairy.
Modern service operating via apps sells us a lot of small incremental degrees of convenience. Individually, the loss from each of these services is fairly negligible. It’s not because you order a meal once or twice that you’ll lose your ability to feed yourself. It’s the broad availability of this type of on-demand convenience that leads to the loss of individual autonomy. We entered the service era a while ago. Few modern tools have a clear shape and function like the knife example above. The ever-lower price of convenience is hard to put in perspective as we do our cost/benefit analysis. The loss of autonomy is rarely baked into the pricing model of classic transactions. A tool is not just a tool. The time and relationship we build with them have a cost, beyond money.
There is an invisible line. I’m not suggesting that we should all make our own knives. But we should learn how to sharpen them and use them for ourselves.
There is meaning and satisfaction in living close to the source of things. – Masanobu Fukuoka
I bought a watch
I seem to often confuse weakness with simply being overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed by how scarce is my attention, and energy and how few things I can truly care about. That’s not a bad thing in itself but it feels bad. It may be a sign of maturity. I reached a point where constraints are such, that I can sense my lack of care and attention. Feeling weak usually leads me into self-pity pitty then anger until released by a burst of exercise. That sounds gross but it can be relatively short and look socially acceptable (a tiny work thing happens, followed by heavy complaint, then a walk). Feeling overwhelmed is softer but leads to a question that I can't answer. It blocks my ability to make any decision or think straight.
I get triggered by how marriage was easy to commit to, it made too much sense in my mind. Whereas California or our presence here seems a lot harder to be at peace with, let alone defining a long-term commitment. From the logistical and emotional standpoints, both have almost everything in common. Nothing is all good or bad. I get that. It's easy when thinking of a person. But when we are talking about a more complex and dynamic system, like a location with its macro-economic, climate, risks, history, politics, and demographics the non-dichotomous approach is paralyzing. Everything becomes a compromise and each solution lives on a spectrum.
Where do I belong? I've been struggling with this question for a while and thought I was only finding excuses or good reasons not to settle. With an appreciable amount of certainty, I can now say that my thinking has been driven by anxiety.
It took me years into my adult life to recognize the reality of mental pain in other people. I used to pride myself in regularly acknowledging that everybody struggles in some way. Some of these ways were, and still are, completely foreign to me. With the pandemic and everyone obsessing over mental health, my contrarian instinct flared up and I got even deeper in my denial of the reality of mental pain. I've always been stressed, my mom has always insisted on this trait of mine (which I totally got from her). I even knew I got close to burnout and developed a weird relationship with (cardio) exercise partially because of it. I lacked the vocabulary to even think of my feelings. I still can't make a clear distinction between general stress (not acute) and anxiety.
Stress is normal and necessary. When I get stressed, it often means I'm doing something important and the cortisol is here to help go through it. It's true. I've hidden behind this for very long. But it is only a part of the story. Fueling a constant fire creates a state of constant, low-grade anxiety. I tend to be all-in or all-out... an attitude that can't realistically be applied to stress. I'm not a monk, nor a navy seal. It's always somewhere between extremes that reality exists. It just is a frustrating fact of life.
I have been trying to be more present. Following that idea, I got a watch thinking that it would free me from my phone. It did help, I look at it less often. I like the urgency that the object creates. I can see the seconds; It's terrifying when it needs to be: when I'm on the computer. The watch is annoying and rubs against something most of the time. The band often needs to be readjusted. Even though digital, it's a thing that I feel. I'm building a relationship with the thing. My phone feels unreal, more digital than physical. An ever-slimmer brick that I can put away but rarely do. There is something cathartic about rediscovering a relationship and the importance of basic and tangible things.
Basically, I bought a watch.
UX is the sum of all things
The term -UX- is everywhere in the design world. A plethora of content on the matter offers silly definitions like:
UX design is the process of creating products or services that provide meaningful experiences for users, involving many different areas of product development including branding, usability, function, and design.
This common type of vague definition is anchoring in the tech world via hiring, process jargon, and the sheer volume of content generated.
I'll be honest, I hate the term. I equally acknowledge the importance of having names for domains of expertise. Except UX is not a domain of expertise or a single part of the process.
UX is the end goal, the sum of all parts of the process.
One cannot talk about UX without addressing the domain that is often associated and/or contrasted with - UI. It's the stuff that comes after right?
I've seen folks out there using the term "Interaction Design" instead of UX. It seems fitting to talk about the part of the process preceding the production of the visual/interface.
This leads me to the actual gross part of my theory. Here is my read of the unspoken:
- UX (designer) = Limited visual designer, good design thinking, flowchart, user journey, user research, love meetings
- UI (designer) = Good visual designer, limited design thinking, design system, asset production, hate meetings
A few years ago, you could have read UI/UX in my about blurb on my portfolio. Quite a cringe memory. The general usage of the combo seems to compare to what engineers call "Full-stack". Where one covers the full creative process.
However one thinks of UI, UX, or both, what comes before or after, consider that there is no style over substance. Data and user research are not the only way to guide design decisions. Rounded buttons don't convert more... All the attributes of a thing are its substance. Denying this is an ontological mistake.
Hair and pragmatism
Balancing pragmatism, social adequacy and emotional health is an exercise that all of us have to carry throughout different aspects of our lives. Hair is one of those.
It's generally stated that there is a lot of ego and culture tangled in our hair. Even my one-year-old has a book on the matter. On a pragmatic level, it is simply ridiculous the time and energy I spend thinking about and managing my hair.
I married a Chinese woman, pragmatism is a person at the dinner table. Asking the why and expecting a rational answer. Like if there was a recipe for everything. There is, but that’s not how the mind works. At least not mine. And even if I had the resources to clearly explain the origin of every impulse and manage it with complete detachment, I just wouldn’t want to live this kind of life. I like the idea of being more pragmatic but not too much like if it would be somehow risky. It’s completely silly but emotionally desirable for me.
Hair has been a recurring proxy for my frustration around pragmatism and the desire for ultimate closure. It would be nice if rationality could clearly outline every decision and cycle for us. But that’s not how life seems to work. So I grow my beard. To the point where my wife nags me about it. A point where it periodically feels slightly uncomfortable physically and socially.
There’s a hint of pragmatism in the 3mm+ beard: no cold sore. After years of observation and 20ish events, I can confidently say the occurrence of sores is significantly lower with the beard (and shorter). Which gave me the green light from my wife to get the beard. Shaving often is the trigger.
I don’t do all these hair shenanigans as some kind of punishment or test but; rather, for fun. It’s genuinely fun for me to do this kind of odd thing and think about it. I will shave, I don’t know when or why. The cycle will begin again. Like many other things in life, there isn’t much satisfying closure, no “endgame”, and no perfectly rational decision. Just cycles of change.
I’d love to be done with it. I won’t until hair stops growing on my head when I’ll be dead. I go back and forth on the haircut. I wish I could confidently rock a 3mm buzz. Sweating feels slightly better. Never having to shampoo is awesome. I like the acetic aesthetic of it. But I still have hair and a wife willing to do something fancier. All or nothing is appealing. Sapolski or Zen-monk. There is too many techno-buddhists zipping around in teslas, rocking their wannabe liberal skulls. I get the benefits of the buzz but perhaps, like wine, I'm not at the age to be able to fully embrace the thing. For now, I'll probably be "Grungy", neglected, as the most sincere translation of my interest in hairiness. None.
If there is truly nothing is more peaceful than having no interest. I might have unlocked something greater than a bit of time and energy. It’s well-known that good things happen when you learn to let go.
Digital peasantry
I’m fascinated by the concept of the noble savage and contemplated writing about it every time I got into a new related trend. After years of internal debate, trials, and tribulations I’d like to put down where I’m at. For this, I’ll use one of my favorite topics: Barefoot shoes.
The idea is simple, we didn’t evolve with shoes for the longest time meaning that nature and its millions of years of evolution have, and will always, do the job better than we’ll ever be capable of. The recent biomechanical understanding of the human body has shown that increased support offered by modern shoes is making us weaker in various ways and that this is not a desirable thing (I’m grossly oversimplifying things here). By acknowledging this simple idea, the concept of a shoe designed to mimic the “natural” design we can try to get closer to our “natural” state, a state of proper function and health. That’s the basic idea behind barefoot shoes. No support, just a bit of protection from the elements. It makes sense to me. But reducing our health to just our feet is way too reductivist to be satisfying. - But what are you gonna do dude? hm? - Yeah - I bought mostly barefoot shoes for years because I realized that as a consumer I could only accept or reject that idea. The idea makes sense to me I just needed to buy a product to solve a problem. After years of wearing them, running, cycling, and beating down the pavement I’m realizing that I’m not a primitive human - aka savage. The flip side of the noble savage philosophy is not marketing-friendly. We rarely hear something like - Hey you, wanna live a short and tough life? It’s very different to choose to make your life a bit tougher than having it tough. Realistically everyone who will approach one of those types of situations regarding a lifestyle decision should be able to understand the pros and cons of each side.
I feel most frustrated by the fact that it isn’t a true decision. It's not A or B but “can you live with A because B is out of the realm of possibilities”. If we take the example of barefoot shoes, A would be buying an accessible consumer product and B get more complicated. I believe some don’t even try to picture what this could mean. In this instance, B would mean to make changes to your life that would alleviate your biomechanical issues. This would likely mean, living closer to nature, not wearing any shoes for as much time as possible, prioritizing general self-care and ultimately being open to a whole lot of other changes and discomfort.
I have faced that dilemma many times recently when considering my remote work situation. There are many things I could do to make my life better, from ergonomic improvement facilitated by products and practices like meditations, and focus time blocks… that could help make me feel better about the whole thing. Those are good ideas. I’ve tried them all to end up with the feeling of having deluded myself. Rejecting my own delusion is something that feels dishonest. Since my focus on Plato, I have been subconsciously holding myself to a high standard of what I call -intellectual honesty- which seems to deter me from achieving such a thing. And yet it is very common and accepted around me in the name of kindness. “Be kind to yourself” sounds more like an excuse for indulgent behavior than an invitation to healing. In the case of remote work. Remote is a logistical problem with many possible fixes. Nothing makes it perfect. The real problem is work. Work is a result of the current system we all are part of, namely, capitalism. I found myself coming back to this over and over again when looking at the root cause of the stuff that bothered me. Sometimes I feel petty for complaining about something we are all subject to and wish to build more resilience. But most of the time I feel embarrassed by how much we have accepted this less-than-ideal state and refuse to accept that I too am willingly part of it.
Whatever the topic I can’t seem to escape these thoughts. Groceries, shoes, bed choice, office setup, gardening, skin care, meditation (this one deserves a whole spiel), water, grounding, and side projects… are just the recent ones. All these small facets of everyday life that ask for small and tangible decisions are nagging me to make a big move. So far the big move looks like a mid-life crisis or some sort of primitive retreat to a remote place. While moving and choosing a simpler life sounds aligned with my philosophical beliefs of the moment there is an escapist tone to this proposition that pushed me to think about all the things I could approach differently. And maybe accept with peace, try to change, or even avoid in a less extreme manner. Being a functional pessimist involves a degree of acceptance of both the noble savage mindset and marginal technology-driven gain.
I call this digital peasantry.
Unlearning
I’m a yes man, a people pleaser. That’s not great. Unlearning all the stuff that makes me that way is hard. Unlearning is one of those things I heard in my early twenties. It sounded fluffy and silly. Aren’t we better by the sum of our experiences? Certainly not all the time. From the stupid pop culture artifacts of our teenage years, we literally can’t get out of our heads (you won’t have to think long to find an example) to the more ingrained habits we think we acquire by being more informed and mature. We are the sum of ALL the stuff, and time revealed that I could and should get rid of a lot of this stuff. Sure I could simply consider the decline of neuroplasticity. Sure, in a few defragmentations, I’ll have lost some of the crap. Or I could do what most self-help suggests. Replace crap with better stuff. I’m like everyone I like a good life hack. Do this instead of that, boom, life improved. I get it there are some good ones. Stretching is a game-changer. Good socks and a good layering strategy make too much sense. Green onions on everything is rarely a bad idea. Sardines are too healthy to be ignored. Vaseline will do wonders no other lotion can dream of. Feet soak is a form of orgasm. etc… The list is long, I’m sure you have yours.
Replacing is just a trick. James Clear, Cal Newport, and the like have gotten us hooked. We are chasing each new idea, generally in some external form via some piece of content. I say that not to bash these guys but because I rarely hear suggestions from a friend. Everyone seems to be ashamed of their self-help-induced decisions. Cutting is the real deal. It’s true freedom, it feels uncomfortable at first.
Only adding is a plain delusion. I relied for too long on all sorts of tracking devices. The devices brought their fair share of insights in the beginning. But I built an artificial dependence. Insights have value. Some values should be quantified and acknowledged to determine their real value. I personally ended up putting too much into the devices but thankfully realized it and got rid of my harem of gadgets. I don’t need an app to tell me to work out, it actually backfired. As I’m trying to relax, I have to unlearn this behavior that was already there and emphasized by Strava (sorry Strava, it’s been a long story). I love to sleep and in my journey to understand its importance and what worked for me, devices helped, some reading helped but ultimately what will make a difference long term is what I do of this and the personal experimentation. In the case of sleep, I crossed my last milestone by getting rid of the tracker and trusting the process. Cutting is the real deal.
There’s been a lot of noise about unlearning bias recently. I generally agree with the sentiment. We have to stare at the stuff we need to remove from our heads while trying very hard to remove it. It’s the classic—Don’t think about elephants—type of thing. I have little hope for social issues to be dealt with this way. My knowledge of history does not allow me much optimism. I can’t think of a time we changed our culture without a tangible incentive. Grossly speaking we need a carrot(power, money, land). Decency on its own rarely led anywhere bright. Akrasia is hard to fight at scale. The current state of the conversation about global warming illustrates this too perfectly. Communication is limited by perspective. Perspective being almost unlimited we are facing paralysis or frustration. To overcome this I have stuck to a simple motto. Cut the crap, however small it’s one less thing. It surely goes against the marginal gain that irritates me philosophically but it provides the opportunity for action. A small gain is all we should get. I surely have a deeply rooted fear of big solutions (geoengineering freaks me out). Again, we, modern humans have a bad track record when it comes to great big solutions.
I understand the necessity for large-scale solutions. Education is one of the big ones. At the age of 30, I now realize the value of it and have to engage in the removal of the unfortunate bits that came with the big package. So many little things. My generation loves to complain about the silly bits we inherited from the one before. But we got a lot of good. Shit sandwich it always is. It seems crazy to refuse the great big package to avoid some bias.
Data collection
Tracking implies an automatic registration of events to carry on a quantitative approach. It is performed by tools set up exclusively for this purpose. Data points are rarely reviewed individually. Trend identification is often the main goal. The accuracy can be high but fidelity of the data is very low. Fidelity can be increased by tracking multiple types of data, creating context and potential correlation.
Logging in the pre-big-data days referred to a manual process to provide both a data point and often a unique note from the observer. The Medium-fidelity quality of the entry makes it less scalable than tracking. A log often includes multiple data points. Logs may be reviewed individually.
Checking in is qualitative. The degree of detail in the observation often involves a high effort and more time than for logging. Entries will be revisited in-depth to remember specific details. Think of this as a therapy session, whatever the subject matter, imagine it's sitting on a couch getting psychoanalyzed.
The context should determine the method collection based on frequency and fidelity desired. Conversely, the method of collection will tell the frequency and fidelity of the data. As often, context is key.
Everything that follows is the realm of interpretation.
The socratic squat
Like most humans going through the lifestyle shifts caused by the quarantine, I had my ups and downs. Lots of ideas, conversations, obsessions, depressions, mini-crises, little joys. The exceptional character of the situation and the forced resilience got me in all the different states I know. From the peace of a truly restful night of sleep to the dull, unidentifiable pain caused by the awareness of the imperfection of our capitalistic world, I navigate life. I considered complaining about how this specific time of the pandemic was bad timing to conduct the laborious task of writing down my own operating principles. In typical fashion, I immediately shamed myself for considering such a thing but still allowed a few introductory words to make sure I didn’t forget.
I. Squats
The effort is enough, declared Ryan Holiday. Finding satisfaction in knowing that we gave our best shot is appealing to me, it gives me the chills. I want to feel like what I do matters at least to myself. We all have to try in some ways. To not fall too quickly into the nihilistic void characterizing the modern depression. On the other side, “the endless hell of the intellect” is just as frustrating. Masanobu Fukuoka invites you to observe that you can see the universe in a drop of water, or… just a drop of water on your skin (he says it better than this but that’s the TLDR). Both of those statements are valid, one just takes a lot more effort to explain, for what? Between choosing ignorance and over-intellectualizing lies a gap that I like to call “reasonably trying”. Dieter F. Uchtdorf nicely pointed out that — there is beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions. Squats (Dieter didn’t talk about his glutes) are a way to exercise your body but there is so much more to it. I’ll keep gettin’ low. Flexing my glutes. Not sure why. Just doing it.
II. Socrates
It all goes somewhere, just like squats or the Socratic method. As in, you are definitely getting stronger, and more comfortable with pain and effort. You can’t go wrong with squats, it will help. Just like the Socratic method, you are flexing your brain, pushing the boundaries of your intellect, and getting more comfortable with how little you know and how flawed, limited, and precarious knowledge is. But at the same time, it doesn’t go anywhere. Because you develop a better, though more painful awareness of how futile any effort is. You can squat all you want, but you can’t fight against time and aging. You can debate and research as meticulously as you can but as you do so, you realize how little you can solve and how an answer triggers more questions, thus adding little value to the world. Falling into the nihilistic hole is tempting and reasonably compelling. After all, not every action needs to have a deep meaning for you to carry it. If not we would all be depressed; but aren’t we all depressed in some ways?
III. The actual squat
The underlying lack of sense in existence is frustrating. Seneca long ago defined frustration and gave a simple antidote. He stated that - Wisdom lies in correctly discerning where we are free to mold reality to our desires and where we must accept the unaltered with tranquility. So technically with enough of that “wisdom” thing, we should be able to accept our condition or at least peacefully give up on what creates the source of unpleasantness. Just like any set of squats, the last ones are a bit of a pain. Pain not being the goal (for most of us at least), it should be admitted to stop. When to stop? When it start to hurt? When you can't do another rep? When you feel like it? There is no objectively wrong answer. Squatting is the right thing to do. Doing it for the sake of being a better person (physically, mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually if that’s your thing) is the essence of the Socratic squat. The man was looking for the definition of virtue and believed that virtue was directly related to knowledge. Since we all get better in some ways by squatting, that also inches us toward virtue, so we all (objectively) should.
Footnote: Of course, a squat is a weird, somehow culturally loaded thing (what isn’t these days), and ultimately not the true hero of the story. Whatever brings you a tangible, even tiny, bit of contentment and appreciation for your existence as a living organism here and now, do it. I just happen to like squatting (very frequently) - I also like eggs, I could have named this the Socratic omelette.
Not writing about it
As 2019 was fading away, I was annoyed by all the typical “year in review” blogs, videos, and other things that people put out there for the occasion. I just brushed off my feelings a few days after the new year. I contemplated writing on this topic but quickly realized that making fun of anything new year would only make me sound more like a buzzkill. Not that I care about how I’m perceived, it’s not bringing any value to anybody. Plus, some great humorous pieces have already told just that in a much more eloquent way.
Then I got married in February. We eloped more specifically. Nothing very interesting to talk about here since my marriage was a non-marriage. I would love to convince everybody of the absurdity of the logistics and everything surrounding marriage. But then again, I did my part to explain my thinking to my family, and when the idea of writing about it appeared I realized how unexceptional my thoughts on the matter were. Who would want to listen to me spew my disgust of love in the era of liberal capitalism, sounds unappealing even to me.
And, that Coronavirus thing happens. Being part of the lucky ones, able to work from home, I get struck one more time by how absurd my job is. As a web designer, my direct contribution is very limited and I felt weird for a couple of days. I found a few side projects, a sort of mental fidgeting. That kept me busy for a while. But the idea of writing about my quarantine time revelation shortly arrived and the impulse to shut it down followed immediately.
After suppressing myself many other times in between what I just described I finally snapped and started writing this thing. Why?
I’m now sure that, I do not have a grand vision either for my life or the world around me. It took me longer than anticipated to get there. For a donkey like me having a partner and being stuck at home gave the critical hit to my distracted mind. Doing the grunt work of removing distractions one by one matters a lot even if it doesn’t look like it. Wanting to do something is the best way to not make anything impactful. There is an invisible layer of bullshit in every aspect of our daily life that become visible only when the essential is present around us.
It all goes somewhere–Except that it doesn’t. I wish I could end this here, but then again. What sort of nihilistic empty message would this be? It would only please the Buddhists amongst us who already have accepted the futility of most things in life. I believe that for all of us creatives, trying to contribute, and doing a lot less is a way to move in this direction. Just like the world doesn’t need another tweet about your latest pun, you probably won’t benefit much from watching another TV show or reading another book. Consider what Blaise Pascal said “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” Maybe we should all learn to sit down quietly. I should get better at it for sure.
For me, this translates into staying in my cave, talking to my wife, eating sardines, and most of the time doing nothing.
You don’t need to care
After reading medium for a couple years I reached a point where I find myself overwhelmingly underwhelmed by most thoughts on silicon valley and startups. From the most elaborate comparison to DaVinci's vision to the most silly observation on LaCroix cans consumption, most people seem to get very sensitive about or distracted by everything around here. Because somehow, we care about everything.
We care about having big ideas, contributing, disrupting, being part of a team, having a vision, making a thing (more often, an impact)... There’s nothing conceptually but without the ability to unplug from constant distraction, we’re going insane. Repeating the same actions while expecting different outcomes. Insanity, literally.
Every day, more stuff comes into our lives. Stuff on our calendars, stuff on our minds, stuff in our houses, stuff in our phones... so much stuff we need stuff to handle it. I used to think that I needed to be better at handling it. I have a different stance today. I just don’t care as much.
I make websites for a living. I care about making them functional and pleasant. It’s not always fun, it's my job. I know that not everything I do is worthy of being published in my portfolio, let alone shared more broadly or recognized. I also know that my job is artificial, I’m not doctor or a public servant, I have no direct impact in the present.
I make things for the internet, something a lot of people do nowadays in the bay area. If you can’t explain simply what you do to your grandma, then it probably doesn’t matter that much. Whatever bothers my generation doesn’t truly deserve much attention from you or anyone. Oftentimes, it's the constant noise that is messing with our mood.
My resilience depends on the day, the person in front of me, how much I slept, political factors and often just pure persistence and stamina.
I’m convinced lots of us here would get a lot of relief from realizing that – it’s perfectly fine not to care. Instead talk to people sitting on public benches, inline at the grocery store, in the train, they will give you a perspective different from the hyperactive hustlers of medium.
It’s okay to not care, politely.
Brain dump – is a term used for the process of transmitting the knowledge of a person to another person or group via a very unstructured unloading of information. This term is commonly used in startups (it’s not smart but understandable).
I’m going to merge the brain dump technique with sporadic journaling to create a few posts. This will allow me to put stuff out there without having to really have anything specific to say.
This was me taking my first stab at it.
As always, those are opinions and observations that will not please everyone. If you don’t like it, go burn some calories and come back later. Hopefully you’ll have realized that it’s a big world, there’s a lot of possible perspectives. If you still can’t get that, try to understand what “cognitively ossified” means.
Yanaka
I spent 7 days in Tokyo. I loved the food, the people, the city, everything. Wandering the streets of this gigantic concrete jungle was impressive for the countryside Frenchie that I am. For some reason, I wanted to go there for my 25th birthday. With my little camera, my loneliness, and nothing else.
I walked around for 6 days without really knowing what I was doing, taking pictures, and eating too much rice. I took the subway from the Tokyo station in the heart of the city and went in every direction on the main lines. My idea was to come back walking, every day. So I walked, a lot. Tokyo is massive, never sleep and don’t really care if you are lost at 2AM. But I was obsessed with those little alleys, back streets, bookshops, and all the tiny hole-in-the-wall storefronts. This feeling of being a monkey in such a foreign place felt amazing. If you go deep enough, curiosity replaces discomfort.
I woke up early on my last day and went around Ueno park. I did what every tourist did: visited the park and took a bunch of pictures. It was nice but not great, the weather was bad and there were too many tourists. So I decided to walk back to my hotel since it was still early in the day. I totally messed up on the direction, went north, and got lost in Yanaka.
You can read everything about this place but I truly found something there. I sat on a bench for a few hours, like Forrest Gump contemplating life.
I haven’t found such a place in a while. Sometimes I daydream about going back. To sit on that bench and let life hit me in the face.