May 6, 2026

Cranky

Say you’re a crank. But by now you’ve lived long enough to suspect some of it comes down to chemistry. Some imbalance. And you may also arrive at the less comforting conclusion that you probably can’t fully solve it. Because whatever “it” is, it’s not just mechanical stuff. You may want to try a few things. Here are the ones I tried and the theories I entertained.

Cardio

The basic advice given to the twitchy, twenty-year-old grump was — and still is, I believe — to find a sport. Burn the thing out. Sleep better. Feel better. The mind, like the legs, leaves you alone when exhausted. Thus, entering the fully independent phase of life, I assembled the standard young male operating system: Running, swimming, random push-ups on apartment floors, compulsive movement disguised as discipline. Along came overwork, naturally. Imbalanced, obviously, but not entirely unconscious.

I remain fairly active but by now, I realize I might have confused a crisis of meaning with simple wear and tear. While I like a good sweat session on the trainer, I can confidently say I’ve overdone it for too long. Perhaps I will never be able to break out of the “cardio guy” shell I once constructed. Hopefully, awareness is the first stage: this morning’s jog felt truly pointless and forced.

Inositol and Magnesium

A telehealth consultant once walked me through ergonomic adjustments recommended to most remote workers, one of which was to consider a simple molecule that seemed to make a noticeable difference for a few people: inositol. It is supposed to support neurotransmitters. Since it’s cheap and available, I tried it, but did not notice anything.

Magnesium is recommended too often for me not to have tried, many times, to implement a meaningful supplementation regimen.Epsom salt (magnesium sulfate) foot baths were the most noticeable relief. I suspect the hot water has more to do with it than the expensive mineral content — just like most other supplements I’ve tried on a whim.

GABA

It appears that there is a group of people who don’t produce much GABA endogenously. I’m on the low-T, low-GABA crew. The symptoms seem to match my disorganized gloom. The problem is that external source are not making it to where it needs to go. I tried high dose of pharmaGABA and a few blends supposedly increasing bio availability. Niet.

I went down the mushroom path — namely Lion’s Mane, which is supposed to modulate multiple neurotransmitters, GABA included.It did push a button: wild dreams and focus, but inevitably followed by some kind of mood crash. Perhaps there is a mix of timing and dosing that would be acceptable. However, my poor understanding of the topic, the cost of the products, and the nootropic marketing have curbed my enthusiasm.

THC

In the same vein as GABA, I tried to push my endocannabinoid button. I wrote about it before. Aftermath happens, although not consistently. I tried various products and what got me back to it every time is the pleasant body/mind high from 1:1 THC/CBD gummies. It feels like what life should, could, and probably does feel like if I was more in tune. THC tends to amplify an existing mood tone. In the case of my gloom that’s not fun. The pharmaceutical-grade products of today scare me. The normality of the it use too. However, the profundity of the experience has stayed with me. So much that I’ve gone back to micro-dosing on a regular basis. Weekdays end smoother with 2.5mg of THC. Arguments feel lighter and the kids sound appreciably less rowdy.

Meditation

I’ve been practicing meditation on and off for years. After good streaks, I got a sense of what focus and ease feel like, and how far removed this is from my everyday.

I might have confused anxiety and depression for ADHD. That said, the diagnosis is irrelevant. While I remain functional, my quality of life has declined over the years in front of screens. With kids tapping into my mental energy these days, the game is even more intense, and moments of scattered attention lead to lower lows. I’m sold on the idea of getting high on my own supply and accepting my human condition. My gloomy predisposition being a mix of cumulative factors outside my control, I’ve reached a point where conceptualizing the “problem” is just pitting the mind against itself.

Maybe that’s what meditation in your 30s feels like: haunting and beautiful.

My discipline doesn’t allow me to confidently call myself a meditator, but by now I have enough experience to make sense of statements from masters and authors. Statements like: “Divesting from meaning,” or “Our minds are invested in our success, not our pleasure,” or “Consciousness is felt uncertainty.” The gentle pat on the back it provides gives me hope for a distant future in which my time will come.

Self care

Hobbies are a classic means of unwinding and letting the mind ease out. I have a characteristic disdain for all things living under the hobby umbrella, where consumerism and escapism often mix too perfectly. I prefer traditional bodily soothing that is cheap or free: stretching, a haircut, napping, toast. But it only goes so far.

Less screen time is on the list, undeniably reducing strain. At this point in time, that’s not an option. That also feels like a cop-out. Every epoch has its grind. The infuriating fact is that none of the little things I need to do on screens are hard, and yet they still demand so much life energy. That feels awful. A waste of life. I find no solace in the fact that we are all subject to this digital peasantry. Some fare better than others but it’s feudal, moist of us are at scrapping by. Screen free time becomes a fight, an elusive dream. I used to fantasize of exotic travel and remote life. Now I just want a weekend on “airplane mode”.

philosophical alignment

Reality is shaped by the mind. Act accordingly. Theoretically, moral tensions responsible for various forms of anxiety likely originate from the misalignment between actions and aspirations. Whatever biological material one is given, moral integrity seems to soothe, or at least reduce, the suffering induced by compromise. Because all the avenues listed previously have led to unsatisfactory answers, I end up here every time, including today.