2025 End of year notes

Secondhand-stress ruins everything elder than work. You know the secondary stuff, like family. That’s why everyone in tech can casually mention "my therapist".

A few months in my new job at Expo and I get the feeling of merely having rearranged the furniture in the same prison cell.

I’ve consumed a buuuuuunch of audio on meditation and adjacent topics. I’m drawn to it like music or food. It’s a flavor.

This year, nothing was fully baked. Every piece of software wants to be your friend. Legacies are falling apart. Aggression is the way to stand out. So much noise.

My preferred photographic interests ? Love me some old houses with plant chaos surrounding them.

Before becoming a parent, I had a lots pretentious ideas about the kind of standards I held. Exercise, nutrition and side projects, took a lot of my mental RAM. I’ve been clinging on to it for over 3 years now. Babies have claimed their allocation, as they should. Resistance was expected and normal. Especially for a bozo like me with, 30miles/week, 3 projects in parallel and a decade long caloric deficit. By way of subconscious and biomechanics (negative) signals I may pivot into the next chapter. One where I’m not the kind of person who is spend this much time, exercising and navel gazing.

Every blogger seems to have a yearly “the flavor of my struggle lately” post. I love these.

I heard a construction worker talking about how in 30 years he hasn’t found a way to not wreck his back. I have been working at a desk for a decade and haven’t found a way to “make it work” for my back (nor the rest of it).

We went out camping for one night. Nothing crazy. I slept little and poor quality due to multiple toddler bathroom runs at 3am.

I finished the night reading blogs after ordering a proper sleeping pad. Great reads and meditation; restful in some ways I considered while folding the tent, sweating.

I promised a cookie after the morning walk so I got us to our favorite spot. The handsome mustached barista gave me a smirk of shame as I was on my phone. Kiddo was using the toy espresso machine as a hammer, asking for positive reinforcement.

Mustache nods as reprimand kiddo. I enjoy my hot chocolate. Of course I want whipped cream. Yes, more. I’m at peace for 5min. Toddler realizes he missed out on hot chocolate. I offered. We both poop on the way out. 5 more minutes of peace.

My babies both took most toys as an insult to the real things. They can feel it’s fake. They love inconsequential real things like boxes, packaging, single use items, metal. I hear it’s common. If widely accepted why are we still buying toy?

Toddler pointed out that construction workers “were making rectangles with concrete all day”. I told him I make rectangles with pixels all day, and that’s how I get money.

85y old neighbor wearing a Kennebunkport t-shirt from a past epoch, told that she loves California because it’s a land of care. She loved to care for her kids, her patient (she was a nurse) and now her plants. As I asked her if she was from Maine. She kindly replied that being from the Philippines she was not doing great there: «It’s a place of fight, not of care».

My kind of clickbait description: “It’s only in recent history that freedom has come to mean having a huge array of choices in life. Did we take a wrong turn?” (Aeon)

Pleasant read that reminded me of many of my own thoughts and feelings. The latest one being perpetually bounced around by capitalism. By way of consumers choice, product research rabbit hole, gear acquisition syndrome, returns, endless household purchase arguments… leading me to naturally crave to move to a place with fewer choice due to a lower buying power, fewer shops, fewer people… less demand, less supply.

Once again, I’m the product of my environment. Intentionally reducing options through my environment seems the only realistic approach. There is no discipline strong enough to fight what the modern western lifestyle does to my instincts. At least not in the delightful central coast of California with my current income.

I barely handle Costco
I barely handle the phone in my pocket
I barely handle a perpetually stocked kitchen
I barely handle my wardrobe
I barely handle my oversized house
I barely handle 300 days of summer

The zen of all things (yin-yang) that cracks me up. It nulls all feelings, collapsing them into glorious nonsense, closest I’ve been to emptiness.

The cancellation of any inherent value at either ends of the opinion spectrum is fantastic. In the meantime both ends are justified. One explains the other.

I swerved left from the bike and surprised a delivery truck. They reacted on time, honked, nothing happened. I didn’t pay attention, that happens. A few seconds later we land at a red light. As I hear the window come down I apologize to the driver. “Sorry, dumb move on my part”. At the same moment he said: “hey, I was a bit too close, my bad”. This is civilization.

I was behind another cyclist with a non linear trajectory. I moved to the left lane as he was making a right turn without signaling. As he did a last second check he saw me and zigzagged. He almost fell panicking as I was comfortably going around. My unseen curtesy got me “hey you idiot!”. This is also civilization.

I was fixing my bike trailer hitch for the third time in a month. This time after our post school pickup cookie stop. Our e-bike frame is not designed for additional mounts and the quick release is already pretty tight… it works and it’s worth the extra friction. Today I was fixing it in the street, with a bag filled with poop soiled pants dangling in my face, kiddo whining, and a stranger telling me about his bike trailer experience 30 years ago.

Zen teachings of modern times:

It is at night that your automatic light flashes you out of your adequate sleepiness. It won’t trigger during the day when you’d need the extra brightness.
The light always turns red when you’re in a rush. Green shines long and bright when you’re tired and could use a break.
The battery is empty when assistance would be welcomed. It’s full on a good day, getting me anxious to underuse good gear.

"You yourself are gratified by some music, arrangements of noises, and again essentially nonsense. If I were to kick a bucket down the cellar stairs, and then say to you that the racket I had made was philosophically on a par with The Magic Flute, this would not be the beginning of a long and upsetting debate. An utterly satisfactory and complete response on your part would be: I like what Mozart did, and I hate what the bucket did." - Kurt Vonnegut

«...human thinking is largely independent of human language...» it’s uncanny how my own Buddhism meandering are meeting tech these days. It sounds like an entire generation is realizing that thoughts and concepts are two different things. One being the thingness of it all (concepts, words, natural language), and the other being the mind itself.

As a California resident I’d developed a desire to pay a lot more for things. Not only I don’t trust cheap, nor believe I could enjoy it. I’m showing worrying sign of delusion.

Case and point: I like casual camping but booking campgrounds is annoying and in high demand, so I genuinely thought: « what about buying land? ». And thus I spent 30min scrolling Zillow while on a beautiful morning walk.

Somehow having the sky above my head grounds my thinking closer to what I’d call reality. The opposite of indoors where I’m often lost in abstract and conceptual thoughts.

W got a new bike. « Nothing crazy » in his own words. He noted how dramatically superior this mid range bike is compared to the last one he rode more than 15 years ago. He seemed genuinely surprised— funny for a 40 year old tech PM touting optimism for incremental gain.

In the adjacent older neighborhood there’s a few seemingly inhabited houses. One of them has a statue of a saint covered by moss and grime, surrounded by decaying random crap. I can barely discern the praying hands and face. The details have faded but there’s still a distinct look to it. Icons of past beliefs decaying, illustrating an ever changing world, is a poetic image I’m now sensitive to. How lovely.

“It’s easier to put leather around your feet or cover the road with leather” - heard in a James Low talk, my wife did not like it

A few opinions:

Side projects are mostly bad ideas
PHP is still very good, it’s like an old person. It has seen some shit.
We all have to much stuff
The erosion of democratic institutions is the biggest threat to our species, in front of all environmental issue
All things “Ethics” is merely seeing other people. We see too many screens, digital egos, representations… that very bad.

A few years ago, my young family spent 7 month at our in-laws, waiting for our house to be built (just making sure to say that we didn’t directly choose the predicament).

Asian parents tradition being to strip their children of autonomy, we were in a weird place by the third month. The despair while being fully serviced led me in space I never experienced. By a strange mix of meditation and self inflicted emotional abuse I lived a week of zen-like bliss I occasionally fondly remember.

Having been married for years, we’ve now visited in-laws quite a few times. I know the neighbors face and many’s habits. The community gym is a spot of interest. I don’t have, nor want a gym membership but I’m morbidly curious to partake as free bystander. So I go and do whatever we all do in these places. I shake and strain and exert my body in this poorly ventilated small space with fellow primates.

The insights this year is noting how none of us have seemingly gained anything, no significant fat loss or muscular bulk was noted. Only fabric is thinning and graphics are beefing. What used to actively gross me out amuses me. Asian, 100lbs old woman, repping a bright yellow gymshark muscle tee!

I hate hearing the hustle gospel. All the big guys saying "you gotta work insanely hard in your twenties, screw work/life balance". Most of them admit that they say that because that’s what got them to where they are, which they call "success". The puzzling part for me is that I also worked the hardest in my, not so far, twenties. I’m unwinding with my family growth, shifting most of my energy from work to life. I do wonder if not falling for the hustle would have allowed me to be more emotionally available and open up to life earlier. Extending this leads me to believe that the general depression a lowering birth rate is due to work culture. I think I heard version of this a few times by now.

Baby boy decided to walk into one of those lifestyle boutique. He can’t resist the little bottles of essential oils and almost smashes into a shelf. Good thing that the clerk was on her phone. The rampage continues as I’m putting the bottles back. I quickly catch him up. He then vigorously hits me with a wooden object. After a quick "ouch" moment he brushed my beard for a few delightful minutes. We both purred of satisfaction. Thus I gifted myself a beard brush for Christmas.

Reading about France POV on crypto was very affirming. My cultural upbringing and current values naturally agreed with the rebuttal of crypto narratives. The open source, wannabe-democratic-but-anarchic nature of cryptocurrencies is unproductive. It is a distraction. I addresses some issues of current the current financial system but not in a philosophical sense. For countries with greater resources and enthusiasm like the US, why not toy around – but that’s it.

I’ve heard Bitcoins being referred to as "a pet rock" - kept solely for is value while all other token deriving value from their "utility". Utility and value are highly variable opinions. To that extent no cryptocurrency has not changed anything about the concept of money besides words and technology. Monetary wealth remains an end in all cases. That’s a problem, because you can’t eat the menu said Alan Watts. Wy change something when the current kinda works? Especially when the new stuff is kind of the same.

My criticism of France’s stance is that most wealth is "unproductive" philosophically. Most of what we do is unproductive these days. If one is not gathering food, making a baby or or taking care of its environment, it’s a distraction.

I write this as a note to myself as I often check my wallet value and observe my left brain trying to make sense of it. Yet another thing to let go of.

We are subscribed to the Atlantic (My wife’s idea). I read a few pieces when the magazine lays around the living room. We both appreciate the paper reading experience but the content has been harder and harder to grasp for me.

Covering the news, especially the US politics is rough. They’re trying very hard. I can appreciate the thoughtfulness, weaving facts, quotes and good writing. That said the absurdity of the picture is such that it’s barely readable, my cringe reflex triggers every time they need to quote… because it’s so bleak and stupid. It sounds like an adolescent fight reports: "he said fuck them, then they didn’t like it and replied this on twitter, sorry, X..."

I’ve gotten a sense of what many dharma sharer have noted: one’s neuroses never go away, they are the result of a dynamic unfolding of causes and conditions. However one can learn to live with them. Turning oppressive thoughts into flies on the wall is the first level of the dharma game. "Invite them for tea" said Ram Das.

I went through Derek Siver’s Book list and notes. That gave me the final blow, unsubscribed.

I’ve always regarded change is as not intrinsically good. That’s seems obvious and rational, perhaps an artifact of my frenchness. The benefits must clearly outweigh the loss of security found in continuity. There’s always a cost. It’s the Cartesian, scientific approach: nothing is gained, nothing is lost, things are simply transformed. Everything is already there.

That last part was only recently brought to my awareness by the all right brain stuff I consumed. My left brain was (and still is) mostly speculating on the mechanisms of transformation. Since I’m not particularly sharp…

Being "neighborly" has always been weird to me. I grew up in small town France were good neighbors does not disturb others. Nowadays I make a fool of myself trying to sound "chill" to fit in resulting in a vague sense of inadequacy as I verbally stumble.

Thoughts in the cold pool:

30secs: I should have eaten more bread for breakfast
5min: My life is so incredibly dull compared to this
8min: I don’t know how to live, the intensity of this is so stimulating
10min: I should write to mom
13min: Is the burn is from hot or cold? I’m struggling to swim but not from fatigue

Years ago, I did a genetic test for quicks. The only insight that stuck with me is being in the top 20% of carrier of Neanderthal DNA with about 260 Neanderthal specific variants. Since, I’ve often speculated about having the “cold, scared caveman genes” might make me very inadequate in cozy coastal California. It seems reasonable to say that my physiology expects more environmental signal than a mild, stable coastal climate provides. High seasonality, physical hardship, pathogen exposure are not there, and artificially creating contrast to beat artificial stress is a mind game I tried and failed at many times.

At some point I’ll need to convey to my wife that I love to argue. What sounds like friction is actually enjoyment, without any intention to hurt. We’ve also built an appreciation for untying a verbal knot. So it’s a win-win!? One we lose sight of in the action.

Lots of Buddhist teachings point out how everything is in constant movement and thus escaping categorization. In the process many ranges and dichotomies are considered. A fun, recurring one suggests that we are all always moving on spectrum in between diarrhea and constipation.

I’ve found more affirmation than alienation in my immigrant journey. I hear it is very French. I don’t feel French anymore mainly due to the tangible decay of my speaking abilities.

If the name of the game is presence and compassion then I’m really putting in a lot of unproductive effort and resources.

— Published on 2025-12-20

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