Gopher mindset

A gopher darts across the road as I approach on my bike. It freezes, panics, and scrambles back to the side it came from. Halfway through its retreat, it hesitates, then suddenly changes course and runs for the far end. I roll over its tail.

Struggle is notoriously poorly estimated. In the moment or in anticipation, error rate is absurdly high. When I think I’m about to break, I’m often below half of my pain tolerance. When thinking of how hard something will be, I’m often off by 50%.

Add indecision and the pace of life to that equation, and it’s easy to see: I’m that gopher. Too often.

I tend to believe that most glaring issues with life these days seem to be due to moving too fast. Capitalism is a conduit for our spastic mind who seeks always faster rewards. Young idiots like me in tech keep feeding this system. And yet, something feels undeniably off (reassuringly not just to me).

I can’t do much about it so I leaned into 2 basic practical tactics: #1 Increase load to force slow down, play the game. 2# Become more aware of cost and trade offs, change the game, make it a mind game. (I hope you appreciate the pure 24yr old buffoonery)

Obviously, neither of these have worked out for me. Increased load led to more paper cuts, lots. Awareness led to depression.

Staring at my newest and cleanest scar ever, a thought creeps up : of maybe something (cathartically) bad has to happen to me, just so I learn something. It took me 33 years to properly heal a scrape. I kept it moisturized, resisted the urge to pick. Like an adult. It healed in half the time, but sucked more than 2x (I love picking a nice crusty scab, don’t you?). I can and should do better, at least to be a decent example for my kids.

When looking at their short lives, at the macro level, it’s easy to see the gradual development and miss the real story: jumps, click moments, sudden inflection points, followed by long plateaus. One day, they just walk. From fumbling to functional in a few days. Then run. Then talk. The curve isn’t linear. It’s a staircase. I’m approaching one of those step.

My vitality, presence and stupidity curves are converging. Something is about to give, or settle, or align. I’ve rolled over myself more times than I care to admit. Too many projects. Too much cardio. Everyday, 5PM has me feeling in the middle of the road, in a rush, tired, clueless.

I’m a gopher. I don’t want to be. Can a change that fundamental come from within? I don’t think so. I probably need to get rolled over, hopefully only metaphorically. History has shown that few changes of that nature can be operated without trauma. From what I see online these days, there’s a lot of gophers out there.

← Index / Published on 2025-04-13