Journal de bord

Nicolas C. Solerieu, Designer

Unintentional

In the career oriented world that San Francisco is, my approach has been described as unintentional many time. I have even used this term myself many times. I’ reaching the point where I need to write down all the thoughts I had around this to move on.

First, I never asked to be here. Actually, I haven’t ask for anything ever. I’m that kind of guy, I don’t like to ask. I my brain, asking is a sign of weakness. If you have to ask, you don’t deserve it. If you did deserved something, somebody would have gave it to you. I applied this for everything like asking for a raise, asking a girl out, asking how someone feels. And because of this I screwed a lot of things, myself first but also my relationship with a lot of people.

I’m part of that gen X. Most of what you can read out there about if is sort of true. It’s the result of a lot of factors, a lot of things I don’t understand, all of us don’t understand — and it’s okay because it’s not really the point. We need to overcome this. By overcoming I don’t mean read some self help and figure out paths, tricks or whatever. I mean letting go. Letting of of the social pressure, the political drama and and all the BS that gets broadcasted. Get out of your own head, get outside, sweat and give space to your instinctive self. The one that doesn’t care about the brand of your phone.

I build habits. Because it makes me more resilient. Because it doesn’t require a conscious decision. It allows me to be unintentional and not plan things. I hate planning things. You feel bad when anything goes wrong when you planned. When you don’t and something happens, it’s exciting. I’m not a driven individual but I’ll say yes to your idea, let’s do it. This has been my biggest problem since I arrived in the US. People think I’m sad or not motivated.

Can I be useful? — is what drove most of my decisions. It’s very bland and unintentional and a lot of people will judge me as boring for this. There’s is nothing glorious since I’m not a firefighter or a doctor. I make websites for a living, if aI don’t show up to work tomorrow, nobody is going to die. I don’t matter. Where I grew up, every kid was told: “you are not special”. But here everyone wants to make an impact, optimize and make the world a better place.

It all goes somewhere — what you do everyday makes you who you are. And you don’t need to run a marathon or create a company to be someone cool. I lost any sort of interest in making an impact. I prefer to find people I believe in, an run on their side. The people you decide to be around will tell you who you are. Like the adventure you said yes to will give you a better sense of what you like.

For me, just showing up, being nice and useful is enough.